witlist's Blog

My Resignation Letter to AIG

2009-03-27T12:50:48Z

Dear Mr. Liddy:

It is with deep regret that I submit my resignation from AIG and its fine financial services division. Like Jake DeSantis, the author of the resignation letter recently published in the New York Times, I wish to offer some context as to the nature of my decision.

I am proud of everything I've done to help bring capitalism to the brink of collapse. But I want you to know I do not accept responsibility for the loss of trillions of dollars invested 401K plans and retirement accounts. Which isn't to say I was not to blame, but merely to say I accept no responsibility.

Nonetheless I feel betrayed by AIG, slandered by the media, and unfairly persecuted by government officials. I can no longer perform my duties in a dysfunctional environment where the odds of skimming a massive return off the savings of millions of hard-working Americans have dwindled to practically zero.

We've never met so I thought you should know a little bit about me. Mine is a truly an American success story. I was raised by carnies who worked the midway in a broken-down circus run by Russian mobsters. We lived on borscht and stale popcorn. On Christmas morning our big treat was being allowed to lick the inside of an empty bag of barbecued pork rinds.

Yet I persevered. Thanks to a summer job selling Everglades real estate and a scholarship from the Charles S. Ponzi foundation, I put myself through MIT, earning a degree in Applied Mathematics as it Relates to Improbable Investment Opportunities.

In 1998 I got a job on Wall Street. I spent years devising investment instruments based on algorithms so complicated even I don't understand how they work. All I remember is you take the national debt of Bolivia, fold in the accounts receivables from Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles franchises, divide by Pi, and collect 12.5 percent off the top in service fees.

I worked 10, 12, 14 hours a day, seven days a week, making AIG the economic powerhouse it is today. The sacrifices were enormous. Sometimes I went months without seeing my mistress.

Just as you did, Mr. Liddy, I agreed to take on the job of dismantling my division, working for a pitiable salary of just $1 a year and the promise of a multi-million-dollar payout at the end of my contract. After salting away $5 to $10 million a year for the past decade, you must admit that's quite a hefty pay cut.

I know that because of my hard work I have benefited more than most during the economic boom and that my family is unlikely to suffer devastating losses during the current bust. It's true that my suits cost more than the average monthly income of 87 percent of Americans and what I spend on lattes alone could feed a third-world nation. What can I say? It's great to be me.

As I feel I have done nothing wrong - certainly nothing that anyone else making money by the assload on Wall Street would consider to be wrong - I am not motivated to surrender my earnings. None of us should be cheated out of our payments any more than a plumber should be cheated after he has repaired the toilet only to find out that the other plumbers have stolen all the copper pipes and the electrician has gotten whacked after the general contractor found him screwing his wife. Wait, sorry, that was a Soprano's episode. I get these things confused sometimes.

However, my intent is to keep none of the money myself. Instead, I have decided to donate 100 percent of the effective after-tax proceeds to those who are suffering the most from the global economic downturn. I am speaking of course of the hard working girls at Madame Wong's House of Happy Endings, in whose company I have spent many happy hours in a state of extreme lubrication.

Hey, I didn't give jumbo mortgages to crack ho's and meth heads. I just built multi-billion dollar investment vehicles out of them. Don't blame me because your pension fund invested in it.

I wish you luck Mr. Liddy in your continuing efforts to return the money so generously extended by American taxpayers and in whittling our once proud company down to a nub. But after what's happened over the past two weeks I can no longer be a part of this effort.

I've already obtained a fake passport, had face-altering plastic surgery, and at this moment am jetting off to an undisclosed island with several million dollars in gold bullion and my man-servant Rudolfo. Catch me if you can, motherfuckers.

Sincerely,

Dan Tynan

The WitList

A New Modest Proposal

2009-03-19T21:42:59Z

For Preventing the Very Rich from Being a Burden to Their Country and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public

The Dow is still dour and the stimulus is anything but stimulating. Government bailouts are now on a scale that would appall the staunchest fans of FDR and LBJ -- and still we're told it's not enough. Soup kitchens and bread lines are looking less like yesterday's newsreels and more like tomorrow's news. Even China doesn't think our money is worth the paper it's printed on.

Meanwhile, conservatives decry the growth of socialism whilestuffing as much federal booty into their pockets as they can. I say, for once, the conservatives are right. Bailouts and stimulus packages are the wrong approach. We can neither buy nor spend our way out of this economic apocalypse.

There is a solution, however - an obvious one, when you start to think about it.

Forget socialism. Think cannibalism.

It is time, finally, to eat the rich.

Imagine it. In one move we could quell the bubbling rage Americans feel at Wall Street's insatiable greed while feeding thousands of deserving souls. Eating the rich would make Jon Stewart's treatment of Jim Cramer look like a happy ending at Madame Wong's House of Oriental Massage. It would feel good and taste good at the same time.

Remember the French Revolution? It too was preceded by financial crisis. Two draining wars had left the country bankrupt, and the nobility had rigged the rules to avoid paying taxes. After centuries of abuse, the peasants took matters - and many of their blue-blooded patrons - into their own hands.

Substitute Bernie Madoff for Louis the 16th, AIG's Edward Liddyfor Marie Antoinette, a set of Ginsu steak knives for the guillotine, and voila! An all-you-can-eat buffet of the finest Americans America has to offer.

True, the French did not cook and eat their former overlords. But then, consider their bathing habits. Bad now, worse then. I'm talking freshly showered, highly pampered American flesh unsullied by the rigors of hard labor, with a sprinkling of coriander and a hint of fresh basil.

It's the perfect recipe for our troubled times.

Consider these numbers. An average 180-pound adult male provides roughly 70 to 80 pounds of meat, or about 300 McDonalds Quarter Pounders. Given the corpulence of the rich, one would expect even greater returns - for Rush Limbaugh, say, triple that amount.

Sweetbreads like the brain, pancreas, and kidneys would stretch the rich's food value even further. (However, I'd recommend avoiding the liver. No matter how much you love paté, the volume of toxins you're likely to encounter in the livers of the obscenely rich are almost certainly fatal.)

Once we've disposed of their carcasses, what remains are their assets. The Forbes 400 - or, as I like to think of them, the Quarter Pounder 120,000 -- controls over $1.5 trillion in assets alone. That would pay for 47.2 million new teachers, based on the average starting salary of $31,753. It would buy health care for 190 million Americans, based on average annual costs of $7900 per person. It would buy a hell of a lot of fries and still have money left over for millions of McSlurries.

We could feed the hungry, employ millions, shore up our nation's crippled educational system, care for those who can't afford to care for themselves, and all it would cost us is 400 lousy billionaires and a handful of Weber grills. A bargain at twice the price.

Expand this progam to the top 1 percent of Americans - who control over a third of our nation's wealth - and the benefits increase exponentially. Those 3 million Americans could feed the other 297 million for months; spreading their assets evenly over the general population would effectively give everyone a massive bump in salary, expanding discretionary spending by an order of magnitude. Recession? Stagnant GDP? Dwindling dollar? Gone in a heartbeat. It's boom times all over again.

And when these people pay their taxes (because the poor and middle class largely do pay their taxes), there will be money to repair our crumbling infrastructure and ensure the security of our financial system. It's a win win all around.

Naturally, some will object to this proposal on moral grounds. The taboo against consuming human flesh is strong. But gross immorality is what got us here in the first place. The bankers and brokers who brought our economy to the brink of collapse had no qualms about cannibalizing our future and no limits to their gluttony. They've been face down in the trough while millions lost their jobs, their homes, and their hope.

I don't think we'd need to eat all of the rich. A few well orchestrated meals would likely convince the rest to stop acting like swine. They could start by giving the money back.

History doesn't lie. When the people have finally had enough, they rise. When they get angry enough, taboos slip away. Whether they march on the Bastille with torches and pitchforks or on Bear Stearns with knives and salad forks, the result is the same. Blood flows just as easily as money.

It's food for thought.

-- The WitList (with apologies to the ghost of Jonathan Swift.)

My Post Election Memo

2008-11-05T15:09:15Z

(With apologies to Michael Moore, as I feel like I'm channeling him here.)

To John McCain

Dear John:

I'd like to say you fought a valiant campaign, but that would be lying. And we've had too much of that lately. For the past 12 months we've seen the evil, petty, nasty John McCain, while the straight-talkin' independent-thinking "maverick" was bound and gagged in an undisclosed location under the RNC headquarters.

Last night's concession speech was gracious and eloquent; a hopeful sign the good McCain may have finally returned. But after this year's nasty, vicious, erratic display, we feel very lucky you're going home to one of your 8 9 10 11 houses.

To Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah:

You know, it was real swell meeting you. I mean, gosh. You just lit up the national scene like a fire on a oil spill. The way you whipped up all those "real" Americans -- the mouth breathers, the wife beaters, the sixth grade dropouts with a grudge. It was a real slice of life. Just the opportunity to see Todd in a suit was worth it.

Now you can go back to staring at Russia from your backyard. And when you run in 2012, you can claim to have four years of foreign policy experience.

But feel free to keep all the clothes. I'm sure you'll find somewhere to wear them in Wasilla. You betcha.

PS: You're much hotter than Tina Fey... NOT.

Joe The Plumber

Dear Joe:

You know the old saying about opinions being like assholes? Your 15 minutes are up, asshole. Time to go back to fixing leaky cesspools instead of being one.

To the Democrats

Dear Eeyore:

Congratulations! It was an historic victory. You kicked ass. Well done.

Now it's time to go back to doing what you do best: fighting amongst yourselves. Or maybe you might try governing for a change. Just a thought.

To the Republicans

Dear Dumbo:

Don't think of this as a defeat. Think of it as payback for eight years of arrogance, ignorance, and unmitigated greed. The all-you-can-eat pork barrel bar is now closed. I hope y'all have good lawyers.

The good news? You can go back to doing what you do best: attacking those in power and claiming you'd be doing a much better job. As if.

To the Next President of the United States

Dear Barack:

You're brilliant, inspiring, and massively articulate. You've got a beautiful family and an army of adoring followers. You're skinny and have a wicked jump shot. We all want to be you. Hell, even Michael Jordan wants to be you.

But we wouldn't want your new job. You'll inherit the most daunting challenge faced by any new president since Lincoln. Two wars and a looming depression; staggering debt, a Constitution in shreds, and a sharply divided people who have lost faith in government's ability to do anything good. Got any more miracles left? We'll need em.

To the Real Real Americans

Dear Friends:

You did the right thing. You turned out in numbers so overwhelming nobody dared steal this one. You worked hard and opened your wallets with unprecedented generosity. After eight long years in the desert, you deserve to savor this.

Done yet? Because now it's time to double down. We have a serious mess on our hands and Barack needs your help. The real work is only just beginning.

McCain Picks up Key Last Minute Endorsements

2008-11-02T19:46:36Z

Krueger, Crypt Keeper, sign on to Republican cause

By Dan Tynan
The WitList

WASHINGTON, DC -- FollowingDick Cheney's rousing endorsement of John McCain for president last weekend, a number of the vice president's colleagues have come out in favor of Senator McCain during the waning moments of the campaign.

Austin Powers nemesis Dr. Evil says he can think of "a MILLION reasons" why people should vote for McCain. (He later revised this to "a BILLION reasons.") However, diminutive sidekick Mini Me said he's voting for Ron Paul as a write-in candidate. It's a height thing, Me explained.

The International Union of Evil Doers has been running a phone bank during the last week of the campaign, urging Americans to ignore their better history and focus on their more genocidal tendencies, says Lex Luthor, spokes-villain for the organization.

"Real Americans know that when you live in the greatest country on earth it's OK to be small minded, bigoted, and hateful," noted Luthor.

Freddy Krueger, of Nightmare on Elm Street fame, says he also favors the GOP. Though technically not corporeal, Krueger says he would be able to vote if someone falls asleep inside a voting booth and dreams of him.

The Crypt Keeper, currently retired and living in Florida, said he always looked up to John McCain as a kind of spiritual older brother. The GOP ticket also picked up endorsements from Cruella da Ville, Darth Vader, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and Voldemort.

In related news: Former Enemy No. 1 Osama Bin Laden has emerged from hiding to explain the lack of an October Surprise video during this election cycle. Poll watchers had been eagerly anticipating Bin Laden's quadrennial effort to scare the U.S. electorate into voting Republican. Speaking through his publicist, Bin Laden said, "We ran the numbers and just didn't see the ROI. I don't think even I could swing this thing for McCain. Talk to me again in 2012."

McCain Picks up Key Last Minute Endorsements

2008-11-02T19:46:36Z

Krueger, Crypt Keeper, sign on to Republican cause

By Dan Tynan
The WitList

"Real Americans know that when you live in the greatest country on earth it's OK to be small minded, bigoted, and hateful," noted Luthor.

GOP Defends Palin Clothes Bill as 'Economic Stimulus Package'

2008-10-22T14:37:12Z

Veep candidate's $150,000 spending spree just a drop in the bucket, say Republicans

By Dan Tynan
The WitList

WASILLA, AK -- The Politico Blog has revealed that the Republican National Committee has spent more than $150,000 since last August making Governor Sarah Palin look "vice presidential."

However, officials for the RNC defended the expenditures as an "important stimulus package" for sectors of the U. S. economy that needed it most -- the couture and cosmetic counters at some of our nation's toniest department stores.

Personal shoppers for the would-be VP racked up nearly $50,000 in bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in New York and St. Louis, and more than $75,000 in a one-day shopping spree at a Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis. That works out to an average of $2500 a day, or a rating of 4.25 on the John Edwards Haircut Scale.

Included in the costs was $4,716.49 on hair and makeup during the month of September. GOP officials defended the expenditure as necessary due to the rigors of the campaign and the difficulty of maintaining Palin's image as "Caribou Barbie."

"Have you ever tried to get lipstick to stay on a pit bull?" an official remarked. "We have to slap the stuff on with a trowel."

The WitList has obtained a photograph of what the nation's Hottest Governor looks like without her makeup.

Palin's supporters urged the RNC to continue spending whatever it takes to maintain the candidate's status as #1 MILF.

"Hell, she looks hot, and that's all I care about," said Joe the Plumber (note: not an actual plumber). "I'd even give up the opportunity to own my own business if I could make sure she stays that hot."

Joe Six Pack could not be reached for comment.

McCain Renames 'Straight Talk Express'

2008-10-13T14:25:59Z

Campaign bus now dubbed Hate Talk Express

Special to The WitList

SEDONA, Arizona -- In an effort to reflect the changing tenor of the McCain Palin juggernaut, officials inside the McCain campaign announced they are changing the name of the McCain bus from the Straight Talk Express to the Hate Talk Express.

"It's time to formally acknowledge our strategy to bring reform to Washington, DC, by viciously attacking our opponent," said a McCain campaign official who was too busy liquidating his stock portfolio to offer his name.

In a town hall meeting in this southwestern resort, McCain urged his followers to stop calling Senator Barack Obama a terrorist, Muslim, homeboy, spear chucker, waterman eater, jiggaboo, and Senator Sambo Osama.

"But if they want to exercise their First Amendment rights," said the candidate, "that's their cross to burn-- er, bear."

McCain went on to slam Senator Obama for being a dangerously inexperienced radical who wants to socialize health care for millions of middle income Americans when he should be socializing banking for thousands of extremely wealthy Americans.

The GOP candidate contrasted Obama with running mate Sarah Palin, praising her pragmatic stances on state secession, the use of gubernatorial powers to settle family disputes, and her ability to kill, render, and dress an eight-point buck without smearing her lipstick.

"Also, she's fully protected against witchcraft," noted McCain. "That will come in handy if we're attacked by flying monkeys."

Cindy McCain is Pregnant!

2008-09-02T01:02:15Z

Would be First Lady has potential First Baby

ST PAUL, MINNEAPOLIS -- In the capper to a day of stunning disclosures from the McCain campaign, would-be first lady Cindy McCain announced that she too is with child.

The 55-year-old beer heiress was thought to be well past child-bearing age and surprised both campaign staff and her husband with her announcement. However, she said she was determined to remain a svelte size five throughout the term, with the help of amphetamines.

"John doesn't spend all his time campaigning," Cindy McCain said, winking. "The surge worked."

When asked about the pregnancy, Senator McCain seemed puzzled and replied he wasn't actually sure of how many children he had, you would have to ask his wife.

Earlier in the evening, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska announced that Bristol Palin, her unmarried 17 year old daughter, is five months pregnant. This put something of a damper on Internet-fueled rumors that Trig, Palin's four-month-old, is really Bristol's child.

"I guess that abstinence program we had her on didn't take," Palin said with a shrug.

The Palin camp announced that 14-year-old daughter Willow is not yet pregnant, but has a hot date for next Friday night, so anything's possible.

In response, an aide to Barack Obama's campaign declined to talk about either candidate's family, but assured voters that the candidate and his wife Michelle continue to have a robust sex life using appropriate birth control measures. He then mouthed the words "four times a night -- seriously" but refused to take any questions.

From The WitList

McCain as Maverick? My Ass.

2008-08-31T12:52:59Z

I used to like John McCain. Not his politics, just him. Alone among all the Republicans (and virtually all the Democrats) he seemed like someone who had his own thoughts and spoke his own mind. He didn't seem to test out his sentences in front of focus groups before they dropped from his lips. He called it “straight talk,” and it was a welcome relief from the bullshit that comes flowing out of the Beltway on an hourly basis.

The John McCain who ran against GW Bush in the 2000 primaries seemed like a guy that, even if I disagreed with him on 90% of social issues, I could support and respect in other ways. He was the quintessential maverick, or so it seemed. Heck, even Jon Stewart liked him.

But not anymore. What changed?

At some point over the last three years McCain sold his soul to the White House. He traded public support for “the surge” for a promise of help rallying the Bush Base (billionaires + flat earth conservatives) behind him. He began to walk, talk, and crap like every other politician in Washington with his eye on the big prize.

The choice of Governor Sarah Palin as running mate is, publicly at least, a desperate attempt to resurrect that Maverick image. "Look at Johnny go, making a pick completely out of left field. He's still his own man, by golly."

But the reality is just the opposite. Palin is not a serious choice for vice president. She's Dan Quayle with tits. OK, maybe she's a little smarter than Dan Quayle. But imagine just for a moment the croak or stroke scenario: McCain suddenly kicks the bucket or goes into a persistent vegetative state, and we have President Sarah Palin. From mayor of Wasilla, Alaska (population 6,000), to leader of the free world in less than three years. What a great story for Hollywood. What a disaster for the planet.

Does anyone on the GOP side honestly relish that thought? Well, yes – the power brokers in DC who would use Palin as a hand puppet the same way they used W. (I wouldn't rule out Dick Cheney re-emerging to pull the strings. I still believe they're going to have a hell of a time evicting him next January.) Then god help us.

Palin is cute, no doubt about it. She has an appealing back story. She's like that chick from Northern Exposure – Janine whatshername. But what she really is, at heart, is a sop to the evangelicals that McCain desperately needs to turn out in force if he has a chance of derailing Obama. She's the female Huckabee. And if that isn't politics as usual, I don't know what is.

(I can't say I'm thrilled by Obama's choice of Biden, either. It seems a step backward in the wrong direction toward DC. But I also can't think of any really good alternatives, despite how pissed off my wife is that he didn't pick Hillary.)

When I was young, Maverick meant two things. It was a comedy-western TV show from the 50s starring James Garner. And it was a compact car put out by Ford in the early 1970s when Detroit was trying to compete with Toyota and Datsun. The show was great – Garner was charming, funny, and always two steps ahead of the other guy; the car sucked and was discontinued shortly after it debuted.

McCain as Maverick is much closer to the car than to Garner. He is a tired wannabee product put out by a factory town that lost its way decades ago. He's a lemon destined for the junkyard. And no amount of new paint – or physically appealing running mates – can change that.

From The WitList

Top 10 Reasons Why Sarah Palin is the Perfect VP Candidate

2008-08-30T20:36:57Z

WARNING: The following list may prove offensive to women, mothers, beauty queens (current and former), Alaskans, those with bladder conditions, those too senile to remember how many houses they own, middle class millionaires, gun-toting Bible thumpers, and members of the GOP. Management assumes no responsibility for psychological damage incurred.

10. Raising five kids is a lot like negotiating with Iran, Iraq, Syria, Israel and the Saudis.

9. If elected, there is at least a 50 percent chance she will know what branch of the government she works for.

8. Though governor for only 20 months, one month in Alaska is like a year anywhere else.

7. She doesn't believe human actions caused global warming. God simply hates polar bears.

6. As the former runner-up to Miss Alaska, she'll have a big advantage in the swimsuit competition at the next World Economic Forum.

5. She can still remember how many houses she owns (3).

4. As a supporter of Creationism, she's sure to always be by McCain's side – after all, she's made from his rib.

3. She'll be able to help McCain put on his diappies when he becomes completely incontinent.

2. With a 4-month-old baby she'll already be awake when that 3 am phone call comes and McCain is in an Ambien-induced coma.

... and the number one reason Sarah Palin is a great choice for vice president:

1. As a longtime NRA member, she won't hesitate to shoot anyone in the face.

from The WitList.

Top 10 Ways Barack Obama is Like Britney Spears

2008-08-03T17:47:03Z

Maybe the McCain campaign is right. Maybe Barack is just like Britney and Paris. Consider the following:

Top 10 things Barack Obama has in common with Britney Spears and/or Paris Hilton

10. None of them are natural blondes
9. They all appear in public without panties
8. They have more Facebook friends than McCain does
7. Europeans actually like them
6. They prefer terrorist fist jabs to high fives
5. People under age 35 have actually heard of them
4. None of them are married to scary beer heiress drug addicts
3. They know how to use the Internets
2. They all share a 72-year-old stalker from Arizona
1. None of them sings worth a damn

- The Witlist

What's Wrong With the New Yorker Cover

2008-07-15T02:53:19Z

As someone who commits tasteless acts of political satire on a quasi-regular basis, I feel like it's my duty to defend the New Yorker in this current flap over its Osama/Obama cover. But I can't. And it's not just because I'm an Obama-head, albeit a late convert from mild Edwardsianism. I think it's because the New Yorker missed the mark, badly. And David Remnick's post facto explanations are also missing the mark. I don't think he gets what satire is supposed to be.

First, a few words about the cartoon. It's very good. I don't know Barry Blitt, though his illustrations have occasionally graced articles I've written (though not in the New Yorker, that's for damned sure.) But he nailed it, especially the Angela Davis look for Michelle. The problem is context. There isn't any. This is the New Yorker, for godsakes. It's not Mad Magazine. It's not The Onion, or Spy. It's not a venue, in other words, in which satire is a given, and people know immediately what the point is.

You dial up The Daily Show or the Colbert Report, and you know you're getting satire. It is called The Comedy Channel for a reason, though that reason isn't always obvious if you tune in some of their other shows. They don't run endless investigative pieces by Seymour Hersh, for example, on Reno 911. They don't publish pretentious short fiction. If Saturday Night Live put on a skit with Obama as Osama and Michelle as Angela, it would probably be a scream. Because that would fit their context. We'd all be in on the joke. No explanation necessary.

But for the New Yorker to run what is essentially right wing propaganda on its cover, sans explanation, and then claim that they were satirizing not the Obamas but the propaganda surrounding them, is just dumb. It's 'meta satire'. But meta satire isn't funny. And to people whose ability to detect irony is wholly missing -- which is to say the morons who form the larger part of the Bush Base -- it's the same as the truth. This cover is Christmas in July for every right-wing radio nut and web whackjob. I bet it's already been emailed and Xeroxed a million times.

Worse, the cartoon isn't even true to the spirit of the New Yorker, which is almost always whimsical. In an apparent attempt to defend itself, the magazine's Web site is running a series showing all of Barry Blitt's satirical cartoons under "The Politics of Satire." Some of them are quite funny. I particularly like the one called "wide stance," featuring Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad as Senator Larry Craig. But there isn't any whimsy in the Obama/Osama cartoon. It's dark (and I don't mean that in a racial way). It's ugly in a way that even the most pointed anti-Bush cartoons are not. And unlike the other "satirical" cartoons the New Yorker presents, it singles out a presidential candidate in the middle of a close election -- not someone who's already president, not both candidates together, nor a long-dead historical figure. That series only points out just how different the Obama/Osama cartoon is.

More important, the cartoon isn't satirizing the truth, it's satirizing a lie. When the New Yorker depicts Dick Cheney as Archie Bunker and George Bush as the meek Edith, or as the Bush cabinet floating in chest-high water after Katrina, that's satirizing the truth. Portraying Obama as a flag-burning Muslim friend of Osama and Michelle as a Black Panther is the modern equivalent of portraying Jews as fat money-grubbing plutocrats in 1933, then claiming you were merely satirizing Hitler. It propagates the lie, not the truth. And that's what David Remnick doesn't get. As a satirist, his job is to propagate the truth. -- Dan Tynan

Setting the Record Straight on Michelle Obama

2008-06-13T15:13:25Z

by Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

As we all know, reverse racism is a terrible thing. For years White Americans have suffered at the hands of those privileged to possess a higher melanin count and superior vertical lift. We have been victimized by a vast Afro-American conspiracy to keep us from appearing on the BET network, starting at point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers, or dating Oprah.

Now, with the Obamas poised to move into the White House, it's time to reverse reverse racism before it's too late.

In truth, the problem lies not with Barack Obama. He's like Tiger Woods without the Swoosh. And being half white, there's a good chance he has an average-sized penis.

Michelle Obama, on the other hand.... Big Problem. Not only is she black and female, she's also angry. And there is nothing more dangerous to White America than an Angry Black Female With an Enormous Penis.

Despite near-documentary evidence to the contrary, Michelle Obama continues to deny she used the phrase “Whitey” in a conversation with Louis Farrakhan and Reverend Jeremiah Wright about the elimination of the Caucasian race. Maybe that's true. But if she's not a reverse racist, why does her official campaign limo have a “Honk if you're a honky” bumper sticker on the back? And why does she refer to the Oval Office as the “Ofay Office” when white people aren't listening?

White America demands and deserves answers to these questions.

But wait, it gets worse. Thanks to our exhaustive research, we've uncovered more damning evidence of Michelle Obama's hatred of her paler peers. Over the years she's made a number of comments harmful to the white race, followed by pitiful denials. Here are just a few examples.

“Stick it to da man.” While touring a furniture factory in Ohio, the would-be first lady was heard to reveal her master plan for dealing with whites after ascending to the White House. Obama claims she actually said “Stickley – he's the man,” referring to Gustav Stickley, master furniture maker of the early 20th century. Oh come on. How would a black person know anything about that?

“Foshizzle ma nizzle.” Michelle Obama was clearly seen lip syncing this phrase when she appeared in a Snoop Dogg rap video as one of his bitches. Obama claims to have never appeared on stage with the Snoopster in any venue, taped or otherwise. She did not, however, deny being one of his bitches.

“I was marinatin' on the porch with my homies sippin on a 40.” Obama claims this refers to marinating pork at home for Barack's 40th birthday. This clearly an outright lie. We all know Muslims don't eat pork.

“I'm gonna bust a cap in that white bitch's ass.” Obama claims this statement concerns a visit to her veterinarian's office and an anal suppository, and that “white bitch” refers to her Alaskan Eskimo dog, not Hillary Clinton. Please. Do you think we've never seen Cleopatra Jones or Get Christie Love?

“Dyn-o-mite!” Obama admits she actually did say this.

This charade has gone on long enough. Can we really be expected to believe that the wife of the country's first semi-black presidential candidate could conduct herself as an adult in public? That a graduate of Princeton and Harvard Law isn't hooked on Ebonics or out to destroy the White Race as we know it?

What do you think we are, stupid?

Apologies if I offended anyone

2008-06-09T14:55:52Z

.... with my Hillary jibes yesterday. (And I know I must have, because I caught an earful about it this morning.)

I wasn't trying to be sexist, but apparently I succeeded in grand style. For that, I apologize. They say that if you have to explain a joke it can't be very funny to begin with, but I'm going to try and explain it here.

First: I have tremendous respect for Senator Clinton as a person and as a legislator. I think she'd make a fine president (better than her husband, for sure). But I hated the way she ran her campaign. I hated the 'do anything to win' strategy. I hated how 'Republican' she acted, even if her policy ideas came straight out of the FDR-Kennedy-Johnson strain of the Democratic party. And the last thing this country needs is another Republican in the White House, in thought or in deed.

More than that: I hate 'politics as usual.' I hate the way Washington is run. The Clintons, smart creatures that they are, figured out how Washington is run and mastered that game. But the game sucks. I want someone who wants to flip the game board over and scatter the pieces. I don't know if Obama can do that. I don't know if any one can. But I want someone in the White House who is at least willing to try. That's why I support him. He's also the first candidate I've ever encountered as an adult who I'd consider the least bit inspiring. Hillary is admirable, but I'm not inspired.

Anyway, my post was intended to be a silly take on how the Clintons expected to march into the White House next January the way the Bush-Cheney administration marched into Baghdad, and how when everything didn't fall exactly into place they had no plan 'to win the peace,' as John Kerry used to say. (Talk about uninspiring candidates.) That was really the nucleus of the idea; the Pottery Barn thing was just a silly way to approach it. And apparently offensive. Sorry about that. Also: sorry about the 'bitch' joke. I knew when I wrote it I should have changed it.

This is the problem with trying to write in a funny and/or satirical way. Without an audience to play to, there's no way to know when you're just being an ass.

Future warning: if I feel inspired again to wax snarky on politics, I'm likely to make jokes about Obama appointing JayZ his Secretary of State or say something about how damned old John McCain is. So I'll just apologize now and get it over with.

Peace.

dt

Hillary Clinton Cancels Large Pottery Barn Order

2008-06-08T17:41:40Z

Senator may lose $30 million deposit

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

CHAPPAQUA, NY -- Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has quietly canceled a large order from popular catalog store The Pottery Barn, sources close to her former campaign have reported.

The former first lady had ordered more than a dozen rooms' worth of furniture, rugs, and wall art, as well as a new china set for 200 guests. "Senator Clinton will no longer be needing those items," said an aide who asked to remain anonymous. "We have no further comment at this time."

The Senator, who formally suspended her campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination yesterday, had apparently placed the order last December, just ahead of the Iowa Caucuses.

Sources close to her campaign say they remain stunned by the outcome. The former first lady had been considered a virtual lock for the nomination when the campaign began in January 2007.

"We expected to be greeted as liberators," said one aide. "We were told it would be a slam dunk. Then this Hussein character showed up and took us by surprise. Obviously the intelligence we relied on was wrong."

The aide acknowledged that it was probably a mistake to hang a "Mission Accomplished" banner across the campaign's New York headquarters last May. The aide also said choosing Celine Dion's "You and I Were Meant to Fly" as the campaign's official song was another blunder.

"Even my mother doesn't listen to Celine Dion," he says. "Personally, I think we should have stuck with our first choice, Elton John's 'The Bitch is Back.' It was way catchier."