Larry Craig Unresigns From Senate
Refuses to have career stalled by invasive probe
Special to the WitList
5 September 2007
WASHINGTON, DC -- Senator Larry Craig may not resign after all, according to sources close to the Idaho Republican.
Aides to the resolutely heterosexual Craig say that though the three-term senator announced his intention to resign his Senate seat on September 30, he didn't actually mean it.
During the press conference where he issued his resignation, Craig tapped his left foot six times. In political circles, this usually indicates the person speaking has no intention of actually doing what he's saying.
Craig also wiggled his left pinky at a male reporter in the third row, indicating his availability for an exclusive one-on-one interview following the question and answer period.
Democrats applauded Craig's decision to undecide, saying they hadn't had this much fun since the whole Mark Foley thing.
Despite pleading guilty to a charge of lewd behavior in an airport bathroom, Craig maintains his innocence. He has retained attorney Billy Martin as his defense counsel. Martin, who most recently defended NFL star Michael Vick against charges of illegal dogfighting, issued a statement saying no animals had been harmed during Craig's alleged lewdness.
The embattled senator once again affirmed that he is not gay, has never been gay, and has no plans to become gay in the near future. However, he added that he can usually be found in the Senate cloakroom between 3:15 and 3:30 pm, if anyone's interested.
In related story, Louisiana Senator David Vitter has announced plans to reintroduce the controversial Marriage Amendment on the Senate floor. Vitter has managed to hold onto his Senate seat despite admitting to being a regular customer of the infamous DC Madam. The new bill would define marriage as the legal union between one man, one woman, and one prostitute, though not necessarily the same one every time.
Craig is guilty, but maybe he'll plead not guilty; he's resigning, but maybe he won't resign. Following this rhythmm we should expect that, since he was not gay nor had ever been gay, he will perhaps become gay in the future.
September 5, 2007 1:29 PM | Reply | Permalink
I feel another one of my “dizzy” spells coming on!
Thanks for the momentary relief from the tragedy of “Bush World,” Guys. I NEEDED a laugh after the blood pressure emergency caused by the release of “Dead Certain” yesterday. In it “Georgie” revealed he intends to make the BIG BUCKS on the lecture circuit after leaving office!
To quote exactly: “I need to replenish the coffers.”
What an incredibly horrible man this guy is! AND he added that he was “PLAYING” for October or November in order to convince the future nominees of both parties to “Stay the Course in Iraq!”
The Neo-Con dream of eternal war profiteering will become a reality if George W. Bush has his way!
So, you see why I needed a laugh. Just a bit of comic relief from all the horror this administration has brought us.
Thank you!
Oh, and I'll be watching as all Larry Craig's dirty laundry is brought out in the sunshine of public view. Nothing could help get rid of these monsters more than keeping this hypocritical crap on the front page.
September 5, 2007 2:32 PM | Reply | Permalink
Despite pleading guilty to a charge of lewd behavior in an airport bathroom . . . .
Actually, he didn't, did he?
September 5, 2007 2:40 PM | Reply | Permalink
He plead guilty to a "lesser" misdemeanor charge. But watch now as ALL his previous "encounters" in restrooms across the nation begin to expose themselves! (Pardon the pun... I couldn't resist)
September 5, 2007 3:04 PM | Reply | Permalink
d.t.
@ The WitList
Right -- "disorderly conduct" was the charge he pled down to. no animals were harmed in that one, either.
dt
September 5, 2007 5:12 PM | Reply | Permalink
Wayne Madsen at his website claims that Mitch McConnell is being cautious about Craig because of the way McConnell left the military in 1967.Tom
September 5, 2007 5:59 PM | Reply | Permalink