William K. Wolfrum's Blog

John McCain announces he's a vampire, like in Twilight

2010-03-30T20:46:20Z

ARIZONA - Faced with a difficult primary challenge from J.D. Hayworth in his senatorial re-election bid, Sen. John McCain announced today that he's actually a vampire, like in the "Twilight" movies.

"Yeah, you kids love vampires, dontcha," said McCain, wearing a cape. "Well I'm a romantic, hunky, super-conservative vampire. Bella!!"

The announcement came as McCain struggled to identify with an increasingly conservative movement throughout his home state of Arizona. Earlier in the day, McCain called on the U.S. to send the National Guard in to defend the U.S.-Mexico border.

McCain's admissions and demands weren't done, however, as he demanded the U.S. scrap Social Security, Medicare and welfare. The long-time Senator also demanded that the entire nation privatize police and fire departments, while stating that Glenn Beck and militias were "The Awesome," and that Barack Obama was a Kenyan communist.

"Bella!" added McCain.

McCain later added that he knew how the TV show "Lost" would end, would audition for "American Idol" next year, world play point guard for Duke in the Final Four, that he was romantically linked to Kim Kardashian and had made a controversial sex tape with country singer Mindy McCready and baseball star Roger Clemens.

"Honestly, just tell me what you want, people, I'll be it," said McCain. "Bella!"

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Blogger admits to dominating Michael Steele at Bondage Club

2010-03-29T17:03:56Z

BRAZIL - In a telephone interview, noted blogger William K. Wolfrum admitted to dominating Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele at a bondage club in Southern California.

"I just kept asking him why Republicans always talk about fiscal responsibility but whenever they govern they run up massive deficits," said Wolfrum, a one-time "Fly Girl" on the show In Living Color. "He had nothing to say. I totally dominated."

Wolfrum's admission comes after finance documents showed that the Republican National Committee spent nearly $2,000 recently at "a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex."

The report also showed that Steele spent tens of thousands of dollars at luxury hotels in Washington, Hawaii, Las Vegas, and Los Angeles, and the RNC spent $17,000 on chartered flights and $12,000 on limousines in February alone.

Wolfrum is the first to admit he was involved in the bondage club scene, stating that he worked part-time at the club because "blogging doesn't pay sh*t."

While Wolfrum stated that most of the domination came via political discussion, he added that there were far kinkier methods deployed that evening.

"Chairman Steele and I went into a back room where he had me call him 'Kucinich' and asked me to throw pages of the "Communist Manifesto' at him," said Wolfrum, who is currently dating popular DJ Samantha Ronson. "It was a kinky scene and $2,000 well spent, if you ask me."

When reached for comment, an RNC spokesperson adamantly denied that Steele was the party who spent the money at the club and says Steele strongly disavows such actions. Nonetheless, more questions have arisen due to a new tattoo across Steele's chest that reads "Call me a Commie and make me spend donor funds."

-WKW

Tiger Woods to run for Senate as Republican

2010-03-27T17:46:26Z

FLORIDA - Entering an already crowded field of contenders, golfer Tiger Woods today announced that he will be running for the U.S. Senate Seat in Florida.

"Responsibility," said Woods. "Dignity."

Woods will have his work cut out for him, as pretend-heterosexual Charlie Crist and pretend-fiscal conservative Marco Rubio have already been campaigning for some time.

Still, many Republican politicians believe that Woods could quickly become a star in the GOP, and that his recent admissions of repeated marital infidelities showcase that he is a true "Reagan Republican."

"Tiger Woods is our Barack Obama," said serial adulterer Newt Gingrich, the ex-Speaker of the House. "Where Obama stays married and loyal to his family, Tiger treats his marriage like a pit stop. Add to that he's running on a golf platform, as well, and you can see he's one of us."

For his part, Woods said he did not believe that his marital woes and high number of affairs should hurt his chances of winning the tough battle to come in Florida.

"Pride," said Woods. "Integrity."

Other Republican adulterers, including Sen. John McCain, Sen. David Vitter and Sen. John Ensign also were quick to praise Woods.

"I had to pay for mine, but Tiger's knocking back porn stars two at a time," said Vitter. "That really what a Republican is all about."

Ensign agreed, and said that Woods had one big advantage that would help him compete in the Senate.

"Let's face it, there's almost no way I'll be able to cuckold Tiger Woods," said Ensign. "Sure, I'll try, but how do you pay off Tiger?"

McCain stated that the way Woods has handled his personal turmoil has shown he is GOP material.

"The guy has had, what, 32 affairs or so?" said McCain, who also stated he believed adulterer and white-person fan Jesse James could be a viable Senatorial candidate. "Soon, though, people won't even remember he's a cheater. Just like me."

In the end, however, it comes down to Woods. Running on adultery platform could seem risky to some, but like in his golf career, he has shown himself adept at getting out of tough situations. Woods said his experiences with women and controversy make him the perfect Republican.

"Responsibility. Honor. Discipline," said Woods. "Patriotism. Victory."

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum

Costa Rica to re-institue military to fend of possible Rush Limbaugh attack

2010-03-10T13:52:30Z

COSTA RICA - Calling it the "greatest threat our nation has ever faced," Costa Rican President Óscar Arias has announced that his country will re-institute the military in order to fend of an invasion by American entertainer Rush Limbaugh.

"We can sit back and wait to see if the U.S. passes health care reform, or we can act now," said Arias. "We don't want our answer to come in the form of a mushmouth cloud."

Arias was responding to recent comments from the entertainer, who said he would move to Costa Rica if health care reform passed in the United States.

"I don't know. I'll just tell you this, if this passes and it's five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented, I am leaving the country. I'll go to Costa Rica," said Limbaugh.

Arias said he would not allow his nation to suffer the same fate as the U.S. and called for every man, woman and child in the nation to join the military and guard the borders. Costa Rica has not had an active military since 1948.

"This is the greatest threat our democracy has ever faced," said Arias. "If Limbaugh gets in, then Glenn Beck, Michael Savage and Ann Coulter will surely follow. They travel in packs and share the same vision of world demolition.

"We cannot allow these weapons of mass distraction come and ruin our nation as they have worked so hard to do in America," added Arias.

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Sarah Palin crosses border to get health care in Canada? Much ado about Skagway

2010-03-08T22:25:46Z

Liberal blogs are abuzz today about Sarah Palin's admission that her family crossed the border from Skagway, Alaska to Whitehorse in Canada to receive health care for her brother:

"My first five years of life we spent in Skagway, Alaska, right there by Whitehorse. Believe it or not - this was in the '60s - we used to hustle on over the border for health care that we would receive in Whitehorse. I remember my brother, he burned his ankle in some little kid accident thing and my parents had to put him on a train and rush him over to Whitehorse and I think, isn't that kind of ironic now. Zooming over the border, getting health care from Canada."

Now, while it's easy to spot the political stupidity of her bringing up this story, there does need to be a non-knee-jerk response to it. Mainly, the fact that her family was in Skagway. In the 1960s.

I actually spent a summer working as a reporter for the Skagway News. In the summer, with cruise ships pouring in, the population of the Southeastern town explodes to about 2,000. But the fact is, year-round, the population of Skagway is in the neighborhood of 800. It's not exactly a great place to spend your winters. Or to get health care for serious issues.

Skagway is a town with limited access, in or out. It's also not a place where it's likely they can handle severe burns. Maybe in 2010 they can, but it's almost a certainty that they couldn't in the 1960s. I'd be willing to wager that any major medical problem would end up being taken care of Whitehorse, which is by far the closest big city around.

Add to that the fact that Canada's Universal Health Care program wasn't truly in full effect until 1966 and that Palin's parents were likely charged for the medical visit..

So while mocking Palin is rightfully a national sport at this point, and the timing and content of her remark was politically stupid, it's really a non-starter. And poor political discourse.

Update: While the "Getting free health care in Canada" story is a non-starter, the Anchorage Daily News, among others, has noted that Palin originally told The Skagway News that her brother had been taken via ferry to Juneau.

Head to the crossposted version of this story at Dagblog, where you'll see comments from the editor of The Skagway News on this story.

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Barack Obama decides to shoot Khalid Sheik Mohammed in head just to be on safe side

2010-03-05T17:24:32Z

WASHINGTON - Faced with waves of Republican pressure over the handling of the Khalid Sheik Mohammed trial, U.S. President Barack Obama has announced that he will personally shoot the terrorist mastermind in the head.

"Khalid Sheik Mohammed is evil incarnate, and he must be dealt with in a way that will protect our citizens,"said Obama. "Therefore, I will bi-partisanly blow his brains out myself."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President thought long and hard about his decision.

"Being that Khalid Sheik Mohammed is not a human, shooting him in the head is not against the law," said Gibbs.

The shooting will take place on April 1, and will be televised on the new C-Span Pay-per-view channel. The shooting will be followed by a mixed-martial arts battle between UFC Heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir.

"If you order 24 hours a head of time, you get $5 off," said Gibbs.

The White House has yet to say which type of gun they will use on Mohammed, though former presidential candidate John McCain advised using a "big-ass shotgun." McCain added that he had been confident that Obama would back down on civil liberty issues like the KSM trial, as it's been something he has done in the past.

"Finally, we're treating foreign criminals the way they should be treated," said former Vietnam hostage John McCain. "Soon, he'll back down on things like health care, as well."

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Explosive New ACORN Video: Blacks get whatever they want!

2010-03-04T15:33:32Z

A new video posted by an independent filmmaker posing as a samba dancer has surfaced depicting an ACORN staffer assisting a Black (known in this video as "Max") making unreasonable -- and possibly child prostitution-related -- requests.

The 1-minute 11-second video clearly shows a small Black making unreasonable demands at an ACORN office in Los Angeles, California. The Black demands an important benefit from ACORN.

As one can see in the video, a Brown ACORN worker sits idly by as the filmmaker - dressed in ridiculous Samba garb - gives the small and angry Black the benefit he wanted with little struggle. All of this occurred while the Brown ACORN worker sits by and makes no effort to stop the proceedings.

The video - made by noted blogger/activist/American Hero William K. Wolfrum - has circulated throughout the Internet. Wolfrum said he was paid a "fair salary" by right-wing media tycoon Andrew Breitbart for the video. Breitbart said the video confirmed White America's deepest fears - that an organization existed to help Blacks.

"Snidely Snerble Snab," said Breitbart. "At the very least, Wolfrum deserves a Pulitzer Prize for their expose of deep corruption and unspeakable immorality at ACORN."

After the video became public, the Senate voted 83-7 to block the Housing and Urban Development Department from giving grants to ACORN, meaning the organization would not be able to win HUD grants for programs such as counseling low-income people on how to get mortgages and for fair housing education and outreach.

While the evidence on the video proves ACORN is a criminal organization, some far-left writers have said that it was doctored and that Wolfrum was - in fact - never actually dressed as a Samba dancer, and that the video - in fact - was just Wolfrum playing with his dogs in his home.

"Why does it matter!!??," said Breitbart. "It means nothing! He's a Samba Dancer!"

Reached for comment, Clark Hoyt, Public Editor of the New York Times - which ran a story on the video - said that his paper would stick with its original reporting, regardless of what new facts emerged.

"Those on the right say that it's a Samba Dancer helping a small Black to whatever he wants. Those on the Left say it's a guy playing with his dogs," said Hoyt in an e-mail. "This has become far too partisan for us, so we're sticking with what we wrote."

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Senate Republicans filibuster family's dinner

2010-03-03T12:59:59Z

AKRON -- Edward Crone and his family had just finished saying grace and were prepared to begin eating dinner when Senate Republicans - led by the retiring Jim Bunning - burst through the door and threatened to filibuster the meal.

"We see no way that the Crone family can possibly pay for this meal," said Bunning. "If the Crone family can't offset the price of a meal, what will they offset."

Caught off guard, Senate Democrats said they had no choice but to cancel the Crone's dinner, as the mere threat of the filibuster was an unbeatable weapon against them.

"Our hands are tied. Tied, I say," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "The Crone Family will just have to wait this out until we make the deals necessary to end this filibuster threat."

The Crone Family's response was one of surprise and outrage.

"But I'm hungry," cried Annie Crone, 6.

The meal, which consisted of meatloaf, whipped potatoes and peas, was left to sit on the dinner table as the Crone's were ordered out of the dining room. Later in the day, the Crone's landlord, Timothy Johnson, came in and devoured the meal by himself.

The decision to filibuster the meal fell on Bunning, who - after examining the finances of the Crones - stated that it was time for the family to be responsible for their own meals.

"Mr. Crone has been out of work for 23 weeks now and I'm pleased to say his unemployment benefits are through," said Bunning. "He got a hand out from his father to buy the meal, which is against everything this nation stands for."

For his part, Edward Crone said he would abide by the GOP's decision.

"I've looked everywhere for a job to support my family, but there's just nothing out there," said Crone, a construction worker. "It's all my fault."

The filibuster also triggered a 21 percent cut in Medicare fees to doctors effective immediately. The American Medical Association said the cut off risks a "meltdown" for seniors. Still, Bunning was unapologetic, flipping off little Annie Crone as he escaped the house.

"If Crone can't find $10 to pay for it, then they're not going to pay for anything. The debt that they have arrived at is unsustainable," said Bunning, who later compared the filibuster to "chin music" necessary to get Edward Crone off his butt and get back to work.

"This is America. Crone had his chance and failed, let them go hungry," added Bunning.

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

A drunken Barack Obama chokes living daylights out of Jim Bunning

2010-03-02T11:48:55Z

WASHINGTON - Inside sources confirm that U.S. President Barack Obama - completely hammered on Coors Light and Alabama Slammers - choked the living daylights out of Republican Senator Jim Bunning, today.

"You no-good political opportunish," slurred Obama, as Bunning's face turned crimson. "Putting people out of work, screwing over seniors and taking away unemployment benefits for no reason!"

Afterward, Obama reportedly stumbled into Tom Tancredo's office and kicked him square in the nads.

"Who's illiterate now!," Obama reportedly said.

"Gaah," Reportedly responded Tancredo.

Most Washington insiders were shocked at the President's behavior. Still, Matt Drudge of the Drudge Report said he knew it all along.

"I linked to a story where it said in the very last line that Obama needed to drink moderately," said Drudge. "Sure, maybe that had something to do with his cholesterol being too high, but better we be on the safe side and accuse him of being an alcoholic."

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Got Torts? William K. Wolfrum's Tort Reformation is here to help

2010-02-28T14:19:33Z

Do you have Torts? Do you wake up each morning to see a Tort-infested life that is destroying everything you hold dear?

If that's the case, then William K. Wolfrum's Tort Reformation* is here for you.

As we are all well aware, Torts have destroyed this great nation. Where once freedom and liberty reigned, now there are only Torts. They need reformed, and now. At William K. Wolfrum's Tort Reformation, our team of trained Tort Reformation experts will clear your house of all annoying Torts, from the biggest to most minuscule.

Using our patented Tort-Reformation Procedure©, we'll take you from being Tort-haunted to being Tort-Free in just a matter of minutes. Or your money back.

For years, people have ignored the savage intensity and destructive nature of Torts. But now, thanks to the GOP, we all know that Torts are the root of all evil in this great nation.

Did you know:

That 45,000 Americans die each year because of Torts?
That Anthem Blue Cross was forced to raise its insurance premiums 39 percent due to Torts?
That every Pre-Existing Condition is somehow Tort related?
That 60 percent of all U.S. bankruptcies are due to Torts?
That the U.S. ranks 39th in the world in life expectancy due to Torts?
That the U.S. spends far more per person for total health care costs than any other nation due to Torts?

We at William K. Wolfrum's Tort Reformation realize that Torts have caused everything from the financial crisis to shingles. Left unchecked, Torts will destroy everything Americans believe. This is why Torts are truly the only thing that need to be obliterated for all Americans to live lives of FreeMen and FreeWomen.

So call William K. Wolfrum's Tort Reformation. We'll De-Tort you, and help make this country what it is meant to be - a Nation for the people, not Torts.

-WKW

* A fully owned subsidiary of Anthem Blue Cross.

God speaks: "Beauty Pageant Contestants can go to Hell"

2010-02-27T15:06:30Z

HEAVEN - God, the all-powerful entity that controls all things on the planet, spoke to his people today for the first time in hundreds of years. Using the voice of actor Dennis Haysbert so that he wouldn't shatter the eardrums and souls of ordinary humans, God was swift and to the point.

"Beauty Pageant Contestants are all going to Hell," said God, 46. "Did you not read what I said about pride?"

God's surprise announcement comes only days after Miss California contestant Lauren Ashley said that gays and lesbians should be put to death.

"If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination," Ashley reportedly said to Fox News. "They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them."

God's comment regarding Pride has to do with Proverbs 8:13, where God says" "Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate."

God ended his speech with a warning about judgmental beauty queens and their families.

"How about you people lead your lives, and then I'll judge you," said God, originally from Cerritos, Calif. "Oh, and if you enter your young child in a beauty pageant, you get eternal damnation. No compromises."

While God didn't mention Ashley or Carrie Prejean by name, his feelings toward beauty pageant contestants seemed clear. noted God expert Sarah Palin agreed with God's words on Fox News.

"Beauty pageant contestants are an abomination," said Palin. "I've always believed that."

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Jersey Shore 2 to star John "The Situation" Boehner, Aaron "The Bachelor " Schock

2010-02-25T14:40:02Z

JERSEY - MTV has announced a new cast for its hit show "Jersey Shore." After seeing a group of unknown Italian Americans take the nation by storm and put "Guido and Guidette" into popular culture, this season, some of America's top Conservatives will have everyone talking about "Cons and Conettes."

Don't miss Season 2 of Jersey Shore as John "The Situation" Boehner, Aaron "The Bachelor" Schock, Pam "P-Growwwl" Geller, Meghan "Snickers" McCain," John "The Robber" Ensign and Rush "DJ Rush L" Limbaugh hit the beach and show the country that no one does douchebaggery like Conservatives!

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Bring back slavery (or build more prisons)

2010-02-23T20:35:49Z

While the U.S. economy continues to operate, the unemployment situation in the nation is still a giant area of concern. When unemployment hits 10 percent, economic heads explode. When it stays that way, it could be disastrous.

So while the recently passed "Jobs Bill" may seem like a nice addition to the battle for employment, U.S. politicos have yet to propose the only plan that could conceivably put the U.S. back on top.

It's time to bring back slavery.

Slavery can bring this nation back to what it once was - a group of slaves and slave owners. With slavery, the American economy will once again be competitive. With slavery, once again, everyone will work.

No, before the screams of racism come wafting down, let me note that my vision for Slavery 2.0 is not based whatsoever on race. No, race is insignificant. All that matters is social standing. If you can afford a slave, you're a slave owner. If you can't, you're a slave. It's that simple.

And, of course, there would be rules. For instance, you can't just up and kill a slave. There needs to be some type of paperwork filed beforehand. No other rules would be required, as the market would take care of itself.

In the end, slavery will help the U.S. in every way conceivable. Illegal immigration would end, as any illegal immigrants caught would be made into slaves. The U.S. labor market would have a way to fight back against China's human-rights-violation labor market. New business would sprout up to take advantage of the cheap new labor market. Those that make manacles will have incredibly lucrative years.

My friends, America is known for its innovations. That's why it's time to return to slavery. Now, only slaves can save us.

Or, we could always just start putting more people in prison. Either way, it's win-win.

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

U.S. must racially profile Old White Guys that Hate Taxes like Joe Stack - it's a matter of survival

2010-02-22T14:14:10Z

My friends, we live in a dangerous time of social and cultural revolution. And those revolutions have turned political, meaning the very fate of the United States is in the balance.

That is why we must learn from terrorists like Andrew Joseph Stack. We must not allow these type of people to again get through our guard. I speak of aging white guys who hate taxes. They will take us all down in a blood-splattered massacre and have us kneeling to the West praying to their God if they could.

And that is the truly frightening part - they have enormous numbers. You can't swing a stunned ferret without smacking one of them. They're easy to spot - they are white, with no discernible ethnicity aside from color. They are pissed off. Constantly. They are not young.

Look around. There are probably a couple near you as you read this very sentence. Don't stare.

While the United States has the world's largest military by far and could pulverize the world right now if it was how we rolled, it is not without its weaknesses. A nation as large and diverse as the United States is not able to be defended from threats inside and out. Which is why we must start being wiser.

Because while the U.S. is on the lookout for every Muhammad, Ahmed and Hamid, it is truly every Tom Dick, and in this case, Joe that we have to fear.

Think about it - not only did Stack manage to get a plane and the ability to fly it into buildings, he did so without landing on anyone's radar. It was a security breakdown of Apocalyptic proportions.

This is why I believe that aging white guys pissed off about their taxes have become the most dangerous sector of society. It is time we take notice.

The U.S. government must start racially profiling these angry white men at airports, in traffics, and on the streets before we lose everything. To ignore this truth is to make the Constitution a suicide pack.

The Founding Fathers didn't create the great experiment known as the United States of America just so some angry white guys who hate paying taxes could screw it all up. This is a fight for survival. It's time to take the fight to them.

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Andrew Stack is NOT like an Al Qaeda terrorist!

2010-02-19T11:50:05Z

Recently, the name of a great American has been dragged through the mud. I speak of 53-year-old Andrew Joseph Stack, a man who loved his country so much, that he martyred himself to avoid paying taxes to it.

Now, however, reactionary liberals have tried to defame Stack by comparing his actions to the actions of the 9/11 Islamic homicide terrorists. These vermin-like liberals should be hunted down and hung for saying such things about Mr. Stack.

Islamic terrorists are the greatest threat to mankind in the history of the planet. These evil bastards take their perverted beliefs and use it to commit violence against even their own people. They are blood-thirsty cowards that must be destroyed,

Joe Stack, however, wrote up a manifesto, blew up his own home and flew a plane into an IRS building, killing himself and someone else. But these two died for a cause - for Taxes. The man is a hero.

Those who wish to compare Mr. Stack to Godless Muslim heathens are insane. They must be taken from their homes and be converted to Christianity, using all force at our disposal to do it.

That these Satan-worshiping liberals would compare one man's honorable belief of a life without taxes to the beliefs of dirty Muslims is a political ploy of horrifying proportions. These "liberals" better hope they aren't in any flight patterns, if you know what I'm saying.

--WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles