Oklahoma law to hold men accountable for sperm murder
OKLAHOMA CITY - A new law set to come into effect on Nov. 1, will require all men in Oklahoma to reveal personal details regarding every sperm that they murder.
"Every year in Oklahoma, a googolplex of sperm die lonely deaths inside socks, in showers and other places," said Oklahoma spokeswoman Sally Kern. "This holocaust of the unborn must end."
While the law won't require men to give out their identities, each day they will be required to fill out a form answering these eight questions:
1. Date of sperm death
2. County in which murder of sperm was performed
3. Age
4. Marital status
5. Race
6. Years of education
7. Address where sperm corpses were left
8. Total number of sperm murdered
The information will be gathered and then State's Department Of Health, which will then post the collected data on a public website. Proponents of the legislation claim that women should not be concerned over their privacy since no names or "personal information" will be reported.
Men's groups have tried to fight back, stating that the questions to be asked and reported could easily be used to identify any member of a smaller community.
"Now, everyone will know who masturbates and when," said a man. "What this issue is truly about is a man's right to control his own body as he sees fit. It's a travesty.
"This law is designed to frighten men away from masturbation," he added.
While the controversial measure will cost $281,285 to implement and $256,285 each subsequent year to maintain, Kern said the cost was unimportant in "the quest to save American babies," and that she is pleased that the law is going to come into effect soon.
"Do we really want to be silent witnesses to this mass slaughter of undeveloped American citizens?" said Kern. "The answer is no. Men must be held accountable for each and every sperm murdered. One day, tossing millions of innocent lives away in a tissue will be a thing of the past, God willing."
-WKW
I've had to license all my sperm since I reached the age where I could potentially trigger the generation of additional new Super Beings.
A bit unusual perhaps, but once approached by the Council of Earth & Cosmic Elders, it was easy to see this was the only responsible course. For instance, should I accidentally unleash my "Glance of Flaming Impregnation From A Distance" at a woman whose hips were incapable of naturally birthing a child with 3 layers of neo-cortex, well... future unhappiness could result. Which would destroy my entire reason for being.
Therefore, all Q-sperm are licensed, Council Certified, and individually leashed when travelling in public.
As for the Oklahoma law you reference, I'm not quite clear on the concept. Are you saying that some males possess sperm which can be... extinguished? How ineffably sad.
October 11, 2009 5:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
Leashed?
October 11, 2009 6:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
Leashes attached to studded leather dog collars would be my bet. That quinn is such a rebel! (And tres chic, too!)
October 11, 2009 6:28 PM | Reply | Permalink
Titanium leash, studded buffalo hide dog collars. (Humanely killed after being driven off independently verified 50 foot cliffs.)
DOWN BOYS! DOWN, DAMMIT!
We shall continue our search for suitably-equipped reproductive partners later this evening!
October 11, 2009 6:37 PM | Reply | Permalink
Suggestion: Start with "female" as the primary qualifier for "suitably equipped reproductive partner." Then, work from there. It always goes better that way. Just sayin'!
October 11, 2009 6:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
Mine are nihilists who just lie around and complain that they never wanted to be brought into this world.
October 12, 2009 8:47 AM | Reply | Permalink
Those lazy little pricks. Why, what they need is a damned good thrashing.
Wait.
This isn't going the right way.
October 12, 2009 11:21 AM | Reply | Permalink
For instance, should I accidentally unleash my "Glance of Flaming Impregnation From A Distance" ...
A 44 year old Canadian woman gave birth to her 18th child last year.
Hmmmm.
Are you sure your leash doesn't need to go in for repairs?
And CT is still an ass ... hat.
October 12, 2009 12:35 AM | Reply | Permalink
But, but, but...the only way they can know how many die is to submit all of them for a semen analysis.
I'm tellin' you, it is going to cost a whole lot more than in the 6 figures if they are going to have to set up MASTURBATION CENTERS and staff them with andrologists in order to get an idea of the hugeness of the crimes involved.
Frankly, I think compliance is going to be a big issue here, Wolfrum, but I so appreciate the "heads up" on this law. You have done well, Preying Mantis!
October 11, 2009 5:51 PM | Reply | Permalink
It will be the individual's responsibility to finance the documentation. You made 'em. You pay for 'em buddy.
What worries me is finding out the marital status of sperm(s). Do you check for a little gold ring or what?
October 12, 2009 9:57 AM | Reply | Permalink
And we haven't even touched on the issue of gay masturbation! OMG! What a sticky wicket!
October 12, 2009 8:06 PM | Reply | Permalink
A full-employment act for DNA analysts, too. Imagine all the work on those raincoats in the bushes of the local parks and in the trash cans of the cheap motels.
October 12, 2009 5:00 PM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks for the yucks, but honest to God, this law is incredibly sad and sick. Who the hell are these people? What if the court cases keep reaching judges who are sympathetic to the law and the Forced Childbirth in the Name of the Sanctity of Life idea?
Rap me down here...
October 11, 2009 6:09 PM | Reply | Permalink
Also, should people who have sex and don't get pregnant (even without using contraception) have to fess up as well? I think it's only fair.
One more question:
Do Congressmen get an out? Especially if they spill their guys out of state... just askin'.
October 11, 2009 6:33 PM | Reply | Permalink
Excellent! If they are going to go to such atrocious lengths to punish women and try to infringe on their reproductive rights... they really should go after the men too. This would get the men involved and hopefully shut the morons up!
October 11, 2009 6:55 PM | Reply | Permalink
This is flat hurtful of people. We can't have public officials continuing this behavior. This is becoming an epidemic. Our government is hurting Americans at an increasingly alarming rate. Does anyone really think this isn't going to end very badly?
October 11, 2009 7:48 PM | Reply | Permalink
If the republicans win, yes. It will end very badly. Not just for us, but for the world, as in the EARTH.
October 11, 2009 8:00 PM | Reply | Permalink
Honestly are these Gooper legislative hacks trying to vicariously reclaim their own better parts left on Maw and Paw's sheets of lust?
At least the sheep will be safer.
October 11, 2009 8:02 PM | Reply | Permalink
Laudy, Laudy! I,alone, have outdone the Holocaust!
October 11, 2009 8:25 PM | Reply | Permalink
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0kJHQpvgB8
just seems to be appropriate, I feel.
October 11, 2009 9:08 PM | Reply | Permalink
Mike:
Have no idea how you knew about or found the preceding, but laughed for the first time in a long time. Great post!
October 12, 2009 12:46 AM | Reply | Permalink
So, so appropriate. My fave MP of all time, and what production values!
October 12, 2009 5:08 PM | Reply | Permalink
I was just getting ready to post this! Thanks!
October 12, 2009 8:10 PM | Reply | Permalink
okay, now I am not all lickered up or anything so I must demur...
But there has got to be a joke about a whale in here somewhere.
October 12, 2009 1:24 AM | Reply | Permalink
You said the magic word - Whales.
"Save the fucking whales."
((Bad language alert.))
October 12, 2009 11:25 AM | Reply | Permalink
I'll give it up when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.
You're doin' fine, Oklahoma!
Oklahoma O.K.
October 12, 2009 8:46 AM | Reply | Permalink
Oh man, I thought this was a joke at first.
October 12, 2009 11:48 AM | Reply | Permalink
NOW how is Okalahoma going to keep the grass green?
October 12, 2009 1:09 PM | Reply | Permalink
Just have to wonder how this story squares with all of the above:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/12/brad-henry-rape-scandal-f_n_317720.html
Is nothing sacred?
October 12, 2009 8:15 PM | Reply | Permalink