Catholic stayed I
"Having seen the love and admiration pouring from Conservative circles following Newt Gingrich's conversion to Catholicism, I feel it is time for me to come forward with an admission - I am a Catholic. And I always have been.
Yes, my friends, I grew up in a Catholic household and jumped through all the hoops the Catholic Church have: I ate the wafers, I confessed whatever it is a 10-year-old has to confess, and I prayed to every deity they threw in front of me.
To take it even further, I was married in a Catholic Church and got all the officials stamps and check marks directly from Jesus. Or a Cardinal, or whatever. It was a dude in a robe is all I know.
This is why I currently demand that all the same conservatives that are now eager to wipe Gingrich's slate clean give me the same respect and love. After all, here's what they said about Newt:
'From a Catholic point of view, Newt's sins no longer exist - they've been absolved. He's made a fresh start in life. So Newt will continue to sin and confess but there aren't going to be a lot of Catholics who will hold that against him. They understand why being a Catholic makes a difference.'
Thus, having been a Catholic for 42 years now, I believe Catholics are ready to embrace me, as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sinner. And I will sin again. In fact, one of my biggest sins is very likely my complete disdain for the Catholic Church.
In the past, I've called the Catholic Church 'evil,' I've accused them of catering to Skinheads, I've envisioned a world where Jesus came back to Earth for the sole purpose of face-punching the Pope, and made a series of random attacks against Catholics.
And I personally guarantee I'll be making these same attacks, as well as some much worse, in the future.
Nonetheless, despite my complete lack of faith, I am a far better Catholic than Gingrich. After all, I've never been divorced or cheated on my wife. I'm no expert, but that's a big one, right? Better yet, I almost never covet. I'm quite content. Add to that the fact that I'm not rich - thus, unlike Gingrich, I won't have to deal with that "eye of a needle" thing.
I have never renounced my Catholicism, despite the fact that I think it's all a big scam. And being a Catholic makes all the difference. For this, I demand the same respect that Gingrich is receiving. Plus, I'd like Bill Donohue - one of the great douchebags in American history - to personally compliment me. After all, I confessed like a half-hour ago. And I was as honest about that as Gingrich is about converting.
Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter."
-WKWCrossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles
Dude, you have destroyed my (already faint) remaining hope for humanity. Every day I come to your blog, and every day you produce the goods - a new hope-destroying voice. And I happened to have missed out on the whole wide world of Catholic assholes, largely because my traditional team had such a wealth of assholish talent. But now... you've managed to destroy my faith in Catholics as well. Ta.
Though... I guess if there's a good side... it's that tens of millions of conservative Protestants will now hate Gingrich. Because CATHOLICS? No. F*ckin'. Way. They're gonna burn, baby. Papists. It's kinda nice to think of all that hate being directed at Gingrich, from all those pews.
So, I guess there's hope after all.
Thanks, Wolfrum!
October 21, 2009 1:16 PM | Reply | Permalink
Thank you, high praise indeed, coming from you, Quinn. And I'm sure the vast majority of Catholics are just dandy. Especially the non-practicing ones. ;)
October 21, 2009 1:33 PM | Reply | Permalink
Just to be clear. I have no doubt the vast majority of Catholics are dandy people.
But the fires of Hell do not differentiate between dandy and undandy.
Newt's toast.
October 21, 2009 2:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
Wrong-o ex preacher boy, us non-practicing papists get until our last breath to be absolved of the whole shebang and go to heaven, that's basically what Wolfrum's post is about. (Used to be you could even buy yourself some reduction of the purgatory time, but the Vatican apparently decided they had enough money.) You can have this deal too if you want it, alls you've got to do is get baptized in a Catholic church, you can wait til your deathbed for the communion part as well as the forgiven of all your sins. :-)
October 21, 2009 3:39 PM | Reply | Permalink
p.s. tis the reason Catholic priests have no renown for good hellfire and damnation screeds. The Protestants took Heironymous Bosch and Dante with them when they left, it was then the faithful left behind figured out the real deal about the sin washing.
October 21, 2009 3:47 PM | Reply | Permalink
Used to be you could even buy yourself some reduction of the purgatory time
Wait a minute- I thought our new nazi pope wasbringing back indulgences! I think they might have subbed out the collections to catholic charity though.
October 21, 2009 3:53 PM | Reply | Permalink
Look. Catholics get all the fun while we're alive, right? Sin sin sin, walk into a booth, and some dude in a skirt waves it all off like, "no harm, no foul."
But come death, it's OUR turn to party. And Catholics get to burn in hell, no exceptions, for an eternity.
And those'll be the days when we get to put the 'fun' back into fundamentalist. Whoo hooo! Streets of gold!!! And harps! And, ummmm, stuff! COOOOL stuff!
Until then though, we're kinda tied up putting the 'mental' back into fundamentalist.
October 21, 2009 5:03 PM | Reply | Permalink
:-)
Re:
Until then though, we're kinda tied up putting the 'mental' back into fundamentalist
Made me think that Catholic and Jewish guilt can't hold a candle to fundie fear of and glorying in the fear of hellfire and damnation as a disabling mental affliction; on that front they got us beat. True that some Catholics still get into masochism ala Savonorola or fixation on the stations of the cross, but they are minority subcults.
October 22, 2009 2:15 AM | Reply | Permalink
I had family and, for some years, lived in Maryland, the Catholic new world fiefdom.
Catholics on the right, Catholics on the left, Catholics everywhere. Dear friends, lifelong.
Yet, was I ten, eleven? when I saw that you've got to love how economically/financially tuned in the Catholic hierarchy is, regardless of century:
Buy or get bequests of all the good real estate.
Steal or get bequests of most of the good art.
Sell indulgences that can be bought, on layaway.
Understand and exploit the people's need to be forgiven, at a price, whether bequests or simple hail mary's.
Tax, by tithing the poor, granting indulgences for the rich and influential.
And tell people whose children have died via car accidents or drug overdoses that "the good die young." And then ask them if they would like to buy a mass, or a series of masses, in which the name of the dearly departed will be mentioned, as a line item.
Very organized. Very businesslike. Very exploitative.
How is this different than the M.O of Wall Street? Except that it is pays lip service to right and wrong and is therefore more elegant if smarmier.
Oh. Is it possible to be smarmier than Wall Street? Hmmm. You decide.
October 21, 2009 6:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
Wall Street makes no pretense about doing good. There is no smarm on Wall Street. They just take our money and have lost any suggestion that the wealth should be shared with the shareholders. The wealth is for the CEOs and the shareholders can pound sand.
October 22, 2009 2:20 AM | Reply | Permalink
Ahh yes, that Donohoe guy is one of the great douchebags in all of history... god thanks for that one!
October 22, 2009 11:30 AM | Reply | Permalink