JERUSALEM -- Reported Messiah Jesus H. Christ has long been known for his hands-on approach to health care, especially when it came to the neediest amongst us. For many in the surrounding area, Christ's talented hands were as close to health insurance as they could afford. But no more.

Following disappointing third-quarter projections, Christ has announced that he will only heal those that are both pure of heart and financially stable.

"This is not a socialist regime," said Christ. "First and foremost, I'm a capitalist. And look at me, I'm wearing dirty robes and can't afford a decent razor. This has become an unsustainable action."

Following a meeting with his followers, as well as industry lobbyists, Christ announced that he will no longer be giving humans the gift of health - unless they keep up with monthly premiums and co-pays.

"We'll still do good works," said Christ, 37. "But it's time for the blind, lepers and others to stand up and take some individual responsibility."

Christ said he'd still offer healing insurance for those that could afford it, and offered suggestions for how the poor could maintain health.

"First off, they can just go to the Emergency room. That's the law," said Christ. "I'm not sure how that would work if you have leukemia or something, but there's that.

"Mainly, people need to know that the road to heaven is paved by paying your bills," added Christ. "If you're not willing to get off your butt, get a job and pay for your own health care, then trust me, you aren't what we're looking for in heaven."

Wall Street reacted positively to the news, as shares of Christ International rose 23 percent, with many financial experts claiming "now is the time to invest in Christ Care."

-WKW