William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his followers at 3 p.m.

"My friends, when the terrorists struck us on 9/11, everything changed. We became a fearful nation desperate for leadership and direction. No one knew when the next attack would occur or where. Some resorted to torture, others to randomly bombing countries that hadn't actually attacked us, but could at some point. Basically, everyone resorted to some type of mechanism to help control their fears.

Which is why I'm not ashamed to say that I fought my fears of imminent death by terrorist by shooting up enough heroin to make Kurt Cobain stop in his tracks and say "Damn, that dude shoots a lot of heroin.

Thus, as most of you are well aware, I have spent the past 3,000 days in the delicious fog of a heroin high. Because as each day passed, it became evident that the attacks by Atomic-bomb-nippled Islamic terrorists had ceased.

Now, there are many out there that treat my usage of heroin with a faux outrage that borders on the absurd. They'll say that it's "illegal" or claim I'm an "addict" or a "junkie." They'll say I "steal" to afford heroin or that I "sell my body" or that I occasionally "murder" a drug dealer to steal his stash.

In a strictly quotational sense, I suppose they are correct. But they are not seeing the big picture. Because in the nearly 3,000 days since I started traveling around with my monkey, there has not been one attack on U.S. soil by Doomsday-Device-carrying Islamic terrorists. So, am I saying that my out-of-control heroin addiction has kept this nation safe? Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying.

You see, every time I shoot heroin, delicious, life-affirming heroin, I am keeping you safe. Yes, you. That is why it is insane for me to even consider stopping. Because if there's one thing the terrorists truly understand and fear, it's one guy shooting up enough heroin to drop a rhino in its tracks.

Sure, I could have taken the easy way out. I could have not shot heroin. But that would leave us as a nation exposed to attacks that would make 9/11 look like a firecracker accident. No, I chose to take the fight to the terrorists. I went on the offensive. I went to a guy named Rick downtown and started my fight. My glorious, orgasmic fight.

So let me just make this clear to all you liberals out there who chose to react to 9/11 by "doing things" and "getting closer to your families" - my patriotism is not to be impugned by you weak-willed non-heroin shooters who have lost the intensity to continue this fight against nuclear-armed terrorists who are just waiting to strike. Those of you who have not shot heroin are awaiting your comeuppance in the form of a mushroom cloud. Not I. I am a true patriot, and with each fix, I do my part to fight this global menace.

Some may say that the price I have paid is too high. That I'm "poor" and "homeless" and "smell like hell" and that my "liver just imploded." Some will even go so far as to say I've emboldened terrorists by having them believe that we are a nation of "heroin addicts."

All I have to say to you naysayers is - scoreboard. I have shot heroin for 3,000 consecutive days and we have not been attacked for 3,000 days. That's just fact. In the end, my only concern is the safety of each and every American citizen. I shoot heroin only for you, not for any other purpose. I love this country, and if shooting the junk straight into my groin because my veins have collapsed will keep it safe, so be it.

Barack Obama and the U.S. government could easily release documents proving my case, but they refuse solely out of a political agenda. They are afraid to show the proof that I have kept this nation safe, because they follow pre-9/11 thinking that shooting heroin is "bad" and that I'm a danger to "society." But one day those secret documents will come to light. And I believe history will judge me well. They will see that I was a man willing to go to any extreme to keep this nation safe.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have spiders crawling all over me and need to go give some dude a "handjob" so I can afford another fix. Just know that I'm doing it for you.

Thank you for your time, and I have retained counsel on this matter."

--WKW