Meek lose inheritance; Goldman Sachs given rights to Earth
WALL STREET -- For years now, the Meek have lived with the comforting knowledge that they would inherit the Earth. Now, they don't even have that. In a complicated financial maneuver, Goldman Sachs today took over the rights to Earth.
The rangling of the Earth from the Meek began in 1999 with the repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act. Starting in 2004, predatory lenders began targeting the Meek, offering unheard-of deals on home loans. The Meek - unaware their inheritance would be used as collateral - then began foreclosing on their homes at a dramatic pace. Last week, the threshold was passed, giving Goldman Sachs a plus-50% holding of the planet at the time of their deaths.
"Once again Goldman Sachs has proven to be a leader in world markets, in this case literally," said Former Goldman Sachs CEO Henry Paulson. "The economy and the planet are in better hands with Goldman Sachs."
For the most part, reaction from the Meek has been mostly muted.
"Meh, whatever," said Noted Meek Tim Johnson of Tupelo, Miss. "I never expected to see that inheritance anyway."
Goldman Sachs announced the opening of a new division called simply "The Planet." The Planet will be publicly traded, with shares of the Earth available for $87.45 at the IPO to be held later this week.
-WKW
Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles
I'm meek. How shall I contest what has become of my inheritance?
Funny post, William. The right length, too.
August 4, 2009 11:17 AM | Reply | Permalink
Ha, I thought the same thing too! Mr. Wolfrum has the enviable talent of fairly accurately assessing the correct length of a story.
August 4, 2009 2:47 PM | Reply | Permalink
Dude. You're good. Real real good. The only part I don't understand is why you're not rich. Come to think of it, you're not famous enough either.
Remember Flo Jo? Yeah. See, you had to search your memory, but you found her. Why? Because FloJo was awesome and a GODDESS, yes. But also because she did the little things, she put in the time, like with the nails, just to please her fans. Of whom I am #1.
Anyway. You're not as famous as FloJo.
YET.
But... you could be. Ok, not anywhere close to being as famous as FloJo herself. But if you worked at it, and hitched your wagon to a star (FloJo), you could maybe someday be as famous as... say... her hair. (No way as famous as her nails dude, but the hair - could be. You gotta shot.)
You're THAT good.
Now. Professional advice. 1st. I'd suggest your ongoing lack of fame has something to do with that face fungus you got goin' on. That shit has to HURT. Maybe it's growing there on your jaw because that way it gets direct, easy access to all the nutrients it needs. Be that as it may, guillotine if you must, the beard must die.
2nd. While you're sorting that out, why not rethink this whole cowboy blogger image you got goin'? Eh? I mean, there are SO many ways you could brighten up people's days, one of them even being through your writing. But one of them is not through THAT facial expression. Or that face. It's pretty much unanimous around here that that face is bereft of "brightening my day up" qualities. Bereft.
So. We're agreed. It's new avatar time. And might I suggest rebuilding your image as... an Homage to FloJo. An ever-changing, flowing, glowing series of images, built around... Her.
The Church of the Most Holy FloJo (MoHoFloJo) is abuilding son, and I'm offering you - YOU, William Whatever - a chance to get in, not quite in a cornerstone position, but damn close. Just two blocks along, to the left.
Feels good, doesn't it?
August 4, 2009 1:18 PM | Reply | Permalink
P.S. Bring your friends, but no meek.
August 4, 2009 1:18 PM | Reply | Permalink
This is very likely the most important comment I've ever received. I will cherish it.
But your point is taken. I always figured that trying to appeal to Hirsute Cowboy Fetishists was the way to go. Maybe I should rethink that.
August 4, 2009 1:25 PM | Reply | Permalink
Can't wait to see the new outfits
August 4, 2009 1:37 PM | Reply | Permalink
I'm waiting for the new outfits too but I gotta say, the less I see of the old one the better I like it.
August 5, 2009 10:52 AM | Reply | Permalink
Well, cherishing is good and all.... But for $1,700, we can move you up the ladder.... Think about it - another step closer to FloJo.
The treatment ("FloClean") involves whiffle bats, teams of monks, some honey and a straight razor. The monks tell me it's about driving the fear out, or putting the fear in, or something. But anyway, once they're done, word is that you're free of fear, as well as that other bad shit you've been hauling around with you. (Which bad shit I've been meaning to speak to you about. Dude. Really? The thing with the harness and the horse and the glove? Wow. That's some bad shit.)
$1,700 and you'll be feelin' MoFlo, MoJo.
August 4, 2009 2:26 PM | Reply | Permalink
Well, I took the first step toward FloJoism. Though I'm starting to think I may have been overly dazzled by your presentation and use of such power words as "fame" and "fame."
August 4, 2009 2:30 PM | Reply | Permalink
Damn. That is just... HOT. I mean, really well done.
And SOOOO much better than the beard, eh?
Come people, let's have a little support for the dude. You give up your beard for the cause, that's worth a clap.
August 4, 2009 2:41 PM | Reply | Permalink
(clap clap clap clap)
August 4, 2009 6:40 PM | Reply | Permalink
See? I told him. Since WKW joined FloJoForce, the followers are just flockin' to him.
Feel the Flo.
Be mo' Jo.
August 4, 2009 9:45 PM | Reply | Permalink
Might I suggest you two write a blog together? It's so crazy it just might work!
August 4, 2009 2:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
Don't forget her one-legged track suit. Smokin' hot, on and off the track.
August 4, 2009 3:26 PM | Reply | Permalink
Hirsute.
August 4, 2009 1:45 PM | Reply | Permalink
Main issue for me - has Goldman shorted the Earth?
August 4, 2009 1:56 PM | Reply | Permalink
Andy Borowitz said a week or two ago: Goldman Sachs in talks to acquire The Fed."
You are pretty darned funny, William!
August 4, 2009 4:32 PM | Reply | Permalink
I already did this. Eighty Seven Bucks. Of course the paper ended up representing three square feet of swamp land in Florida and the goddamn alligator refused to move.
I AINT BUYIN IT.
August 4, 2009 5:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
Gator boots, baby. Where's that entrepreneurial spirit that made America great?
August 4, 2009 5:40 PM | Reply | Permalink
Why so tetchy? I used to live on The Planet. It was okay until the Meek got hungry and the golden Sucksians acquired governments at a cut-rate rate.
The Birthers and the Meekers will work it out eventually.
August 4, 2009 7:02 PM | Reply | Permalink
Where?
August 4, 2009 8:37 PM | Reply | Permalink
Excellent Post!!
How do you think up this shit anyway??
But I beg to differ, the rangling of the meek began around 1982 with Reagan and deregulation of the Savings and Loan industry.
August 4, 2009 9:56 PM | Reply | Permalink
A spokesman for the meek stated
'it's sort of a you broke it you buy it scenario. Now maybe they'll give a shit about what happens to it'.
August 5, 2009 12:22 AM | Reply | Permalink
Hmmmm, I think this is what we call "One giant step forward, turning around, getting all fucked up in the head and falling over sideways." To review, your recent avatar decisions:
1. Original. Guy with fungus on jaw. Scary. Potentially contagious.
2. The Goddess FloJo. All was bliss. Much singing.
3. Return of bearded guy. New pose. Beard at least has been trimmed. Appears more intelligent than #1.
In hindsight, our really poor life decisions sometimes just jump right out at us, don't you find?
August 5, 2009 10:57 AM | Reply | Permalink
Is there somewhere you can go to trade a normal mind in for one of the warped ones you guys have, or are yours pharmaceutically altered? And if so, what is the drug and where can I find it? This normal stuff sucks...
August 5, 2009 11:07 AM | Reply | Permalink