As Health Care Reform has taken over the national dialogue, we felt it was time to look to our Savior for answers. From The Modern Conservative Holy Bible:

Mark 8:22-23

(22) And he cometh to Bethsaida; and they bring a blind man unto him, and besought him to touch him. (23) And he telleth the man "Thou co-pay is $1,000. Canst thou afford?" And lo, the man said "nay." And Conservative Jesus took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, toldeth him to get off his lazy asseth and get a jobeth. (24) And he sent him away to his house, saying, Thou art a socialist tool that never speaketh of pre-existing conditions.

Matthew, 23--24.

And Conservative Jesus went about all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and collecting His Monthly Healing Premiums. He healeth all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people with adequate insurance, leaving others to dieth, as was his capitalistic wont. And his fame went throughout all Syria: and they brought unto him all uninsured sick people that were possessed with devils, and those which were lunatic, and those that had the palsy; and Conservative Jesus telleth the lunatic, possessed palsy-sufferers that he had a business model and he can not help them until the day they have the insurance and co-pays necessary and what did they think, this was a charity or something?

Mark 1:40-43

(40) And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, If thou wilt, thou canst make me clean. (41) And Conservative Jesus, moved with profit-lust, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, maybeth thou should have thought of this earlier, when you wasted money on clothes and food. (42) And as soon as he had spoken, immediately the leprosy departed from him, for he was dead. (43) And Conservative Jesus sayith unto him, thou think I am a communist or Nazi? I provideth the best healing practices in the land, for only those that afford and fill out thy proper paperwork in triplicate and assure me that your HMO will cover all expense.

Follow the words of thy Conservative Lord and treat the lowliest amongst you with the disdain they deserve. For Jesus knew that profit margins and year-end bonuses were the way and the light.

Only those that may help themselves and have good enough jobs may be healed, sayeth Conservative Jesus. May his Randian glory be praised and may single-payer communist thought be banished to hell with the others unable to afford heaven or health.

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles