"My friends, when I became a blogger, I did so with a certainty of purpose. I believed that it was my sworn duty to uphold and protect the important values of the blogosphere. And since I became a blogger, I have had one success after another, making me one of the most important bloggers in the known universe.

Which is exactly why I'm quitting.

You see, I am a man of strong moral convictions, and I believe that as of this moment, the Blogotics of Destruction have taken away from my first priority - which, of course, is blogging. But for far too long, paid operatives have made it their mission to destroy me. Over the years, I have been hit with repeated attacks on my own character, which include people calling me a "loser," or saying that I "suck," or calling me a "douchebag."

Well, this blog has spent countless minutes and 10s of dollars fighting these accusations, and it has driven down the output that I am known for. But I have bounced back from each attack. Thus, I quit.

But let's not think of this as quitting. Let's think of it as a bold move by a bold man who is willing to take a bold step. For while I am quitting blogging, I utterly refuse to quit blogging. I will continue on. For I am not a quitter. I am a fighter. It's like when you go fishing: Sometimes you catch a lot of fish, sometimes you don't. And sometimes your boat sinks. I think this explains why I must quit.

Now some may point to improprieties in my past. These are slanderous half-truths and vicious innuendos that must be dismissed. People have said that I'm "lazy" and "self-absorbed." They've called me a "narcissist only worried about myself." They've accused me of "exposing myself in public" and "robbing a 7-11 in Anaheim" and other such nonsense. I am not the type to back down from these false accusations and will fight them with every ounce of my strength. Which I why I must quit.

If I may use a sports analogy: This is like boxing, where one fighter gets hit in the nose repeatedly and finally quits. Well, I am not the type of blogger who would do such a thing. So I must quit.

In the end, all I ask is that you trust me on this one. Because I will always be a blogger and will continue blogging for the good of this country. This is why I must quit.

Thank you and I have retained counsel in this matter."