KANSAS - A stunning new poll from the Taibbi Research Center shows that the vast majority of Americans are now tired of President Barack Obama's mottos of "Change We Can Believe In," and other Change-based catch phrases. Nearly 80 percent of those surveyed said that the "Change" motto had grown tired and they needed something new.

"What was most interesting is how very few of those surveyed really had an problem with Obama, or politics in general," said Lead Researcher and professional juggler Chris Taibbi. "It's like when 'Can't Touch This' was released and played over and over again until everyone, everywhere hated it. They just need something fresh."

One young person of voting age said he didn't much care about health care reform or other hot-button issues, but that he "wasn't feeling" the "Change vibe" any longer.

"No, Sir, not feeling it," said Timmy Johnson of Tupelo, Miss. "Plus, what rhymes with 'Change?' 'Mange?' Yep, not feeling it."

The Obama Administration has reportedly had meetings at the Executive level, discussing this problem. In a "run it up the flagpole," maneuver, Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel released a couple new ideas for slogans, which included:

"Get a brain! Morans"

"You Know that I'll be Your Papa, Paparazzi"

"Stay the Course"

"Workers of the world, unite!"

While it remains to be seen if any of the above will be the new slogans will make the grade. But it is certain that some change will be made to "Change."

"The problem with 'Change' is that it's run its course," said Professional Philosopher Doug McBride. "I kinda like the Marx one, actually. It's catchy and ironic."

-WKW

INTERNET - In a rare follow-up to one of his own blog posts, noted Blogger William K. Wolfrum attacked those that have criticized him for leaning too heavily on Sarah Palin for humor.

"I am shocked and offended that there are those out there that will say they are 'sick of Sarah Palin jokes,' " said Wolfrum, as he helped nurse a baby polar bear back to health. "Didn't we learn anything from Bush? Oh, we played it off, but losing Bush was horrible."

Wolfrum - who lived in Alaska for several years and mentions it almost constantly - said that Palin jokes will never go out of style.

"I'm going to ride the Palin Horse for as long as I can," said Wolfrum - who notably offered to be the "stunt wang" for Levi Johnston's Playgirl shoot. "For God's sake, people, she named one of her children 'Track.'

"Seriously, Palin is a non-stop roller coaster through funny town," added Wolfrum, a one-time Webelo, "and I'm never getting off."

-WKW

WASHINGTON - By the skin of their teeth, Senate Democrats voted to begin formal debate on the Health Care Reform bill that would guarantee medical coverage for nearly all Americans. All Senate Republicans voted to shelve the bill.

Seconds after the vote, the dead began rising from their graves and started walking amongst the living, meeting at Capitol Hill for an impromptu protest. When interviewed, the Zombies said they believed health care reform would lead to a New World Order, create "Death Panels," and force both men and women to have abortions.

"Braaaiiinnnsss," said one Zombie.

"We know that Americans oppose this bill," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) said, referring to a Washington Post-Los Angeles Times poll which found Americans split on the bill, and a CBS News Poll that found that Americans overwhelmingly support a health care reform bill with a public option. "We think the Zombies prove it."

Despite their grandiose reputation as unstoppable brain-eaters, however, the Zombies seemed confused, stalking in circles and fighting amongst each other. Many of the Zombies held signs demanding that President Barack Obama release his real birth certificate, while others seemed more interesting in a first-strike nuclear assault on Iran. The vast majority of the Zombies apparently showed up for the reported Free Brain Buffet and round-trip transportation, and seemed to have no non-brain opinions.

Lobbyist Dick Armey, whose non-profit FreedomWorks organization sponsored the Zombie rally, said that it was yet more proof that Americans - both dead and alive - want less government control in their lives and don't want to pay any taxes whatsoever for any reason outside of war.

"Braaaiiinnss," said Armey.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said that - while the Zombies were clearly an annoyance - he didn't anticipate that they would be able to stop the push for health care reform.

"We've been dealing with zombies for a while, we're sort of immune to them by now," said Reid. "Ironically, the vast majority of these Zombies would benefit from true health care reform."

-WKW

When CNN forked over whatever amount they had to in order to get Lou Dobbs off the air, one could imagine that Dobbs was sufficiently chastened for his Birther/Mexican-hate ideologies. That would be far from the truth, however, as Dobbs is already making it clear that he should be the one making policy, not discussing it.

"I have come to no conclusions and no decisions," said Dobbs. "Do I seek to have some influence on public policy? Absolutely. Do I seek to represent and champion the middle class in this country and those who aspire to it? Absolutely. And I will."

It will be interesting to see if Dobbs does make a run. The American mainstream media has made an irretrievable turn over the past decade or two, as "Journalism" has been redefined. Today, the general public could name any number of "Journalist-Entertainers," (or the catchier "Journotainers") from Dobbs to Glenn Beck to Anderson Cooper to Rush Limbaugh and so on. But it's highly unlikely that more than a minuscule percentage could name one actual reporter at the New York Times.

With this shift, Journotainers have noticeably reached the point where they now believe that their often poorly thought-out commentary has political gravitas and historical importance. Dobbs could very likely be the first journotainer of this era to attempt to make the switch from preacher of ideology to political campaigner. He has the name, face value and hubris to believe he is up for any job, even the Presidency.

Of course, he isn't. The guy at the bar telling you that Obama's a secret Muslim is just as qualified for higher office as Dobbs. Being near politicians does not make one a politician, and it's difficult to envision Dobbs doing much more than making some noise before falling in a primary, or being a distant third as a third-party spoiler.

But that shouldn't stop Dobbs. Look for him to be a candidate for office in 2010 in New Jersey.

"Right now I feel exhilaration at the wide range of choices before me as to what I do next," Dobbs said.

The pure narcissism that drives Journotainers means that it's highly unlikely that Dobbs will be the only one to make the attempt. Journotainers from Jake Tapper on one end of the scale to Beck on the other and all in between will be emboldened by any success that Dobbs has, and see themselves as the better choice.

Because that's where American journalism is today. Reporting on stories or breaking them is considered below the celebrity journalists that rule the MSM landscape. Because for today's journotainers, simply cozying up to and making concessions to power is very likely nowhere near good enough. After all, what's the use of a pulpit if you don't have the power?

-WKW

While most of Conservative U.S. has blown three or four gaskets because U.S. President Barack Obama bowed in Japan (every time a President bows, a nuclear bomb dies), they seemed to miss an even greater bow to the Japanese by Political Super-Gadfly Sarah Palin.

Palin was recently the cover story for Newsweek - which cunningly saved time, money and effort by using the same photo used by Runners World. While the original photo caused controversy due to Palin's using the American flag as an armrest, if you look lower in the photo, you see Palin's shoes - ASICS Gel Nimbus running shoes.

Yes, the America-First, -last, and -always Palin is promoting Japanese shoes. And not just in one major magazine, but two. Better yet, Palin was wearing the ASICS shoes just a couple weeks before ASICS won Runner's World "Shoe of the Year."

The madcap duo that is Martin Eisenstadt stumbled across this, and had this to say:

Follow the money. Is Sarah on ASICS' payroll as a sponsor? Is that why she did the Runners World photo shoot in the first place (which at the time struck me as bizarre anyway). Was she paid by ASICS while she was still governor? Remember, she only made $1.5 mil from the book deal - she must have gotten money elsewhere to make it worth her while to quit being governor. And through Todd and the snowmobiling thing, she's no stranger to sports sponsorship.

So, it's quite possible that Sarah Palin quit working for the people of Alaska so that she could work for a Japanese shoe company. Maybe she's a typical politician, after all? I'm sure she discusses it in her book.

Of course, while Palin is apparently doing her best to stimulate non-U.S. economies, she has done well for at least one Alaskan resident, photographer Bryan Adams. Adams scored an impressive double, as he shot the Runners World/Newsweek photos - as well as taking photos of a well-clothed Levi Johnston a few months earlier.

Update: Here's what Palin had to tell Runners' World about her choice of shoes:

"I'm into Asics right now. I was into Nikes forever because the way the shoes fit was so predictable. But then a friend of mine put me in a pair of Asics--Gel something, I don't remember what they're called--and I loved them."

-WKW

As someone who has spent a great deal of time perusing the American political landscape, I can say that my political prognostication skills have improved likewise. And I can say with complete certainty that I can clearly see the next move the Democratic Party will be making.

You see, after the recent elections that saw Democrats take a horrifying defeat by only gaining two seats in the House of Representatives, many Dem factions have already started practicing making their best mealy-mouthed faces in bathroom mirrors. With Health-care reform, Afghanistan, unemployment and other things on the table, this is a time when historic actions are demanded. And if there's one thing Democrats don't do much of these days, is historic actions.

No, the time is to flee. There are the 2010 elections of being the party that tried to solve things never solved anything at the ballot box. And with President Barack Obama's popularity numbers ominously falling and rising willy-nilly (but generally within the polls' percentage for error considerations), it's time to find respite in rhetoric rather than reform.

On this, the Democrats will be using a popular Republican tactic - always vote against the Democrats.

You see, Republicans have long been students of percentages. And not silly percentages about how the public overwhelmingly desires government-run health care. But real numbers. Like the fact that there's technically a 94 percent chance they'll get re-elected. Right off the bat, they have a big ace-in-the-hole long term and the freedom to spend their time reacting to daily popularity polls.

One wouldn't imagine that - strong appearances to the contrary aside - a President with an approval rating of 56 percent would worry much if that number dropped to, say, 55 percent. Over at the GOP, it's a commencement of synchronized circle-jerk of hyperbole. And they've done it for so long, every player knows their part.

Drudge gets a tip from Zogby about a 1 percent drop in Obama's popularity. Drudge runs in under the banner-long headline of "The Obama Dream is Over!" (A quote he got from an "unnamed political campaign advisor.") Then, simultaneously, 14 billion conservative bloggers post various themes on it, 38 percent of them with a theme of "America finally noticing Obama's a Black guy."

From there, every elected Republican spends the day answering every question with the Drudge-created quote about Obama, and how obviously America approves of a his work stalling or filibustering everything that comes to his desk. Democrats then spend the day answering questions from reporters like "Some are saying the Obama Dream is over, is it?"

Texas is a stunning example of how well Republicans band together under the banner of "No!!" In the House vote on the health-care reform bill, every Republican from Texas in the House stood up and said "No!!"

And here's the thing, I'd have a better chance of winning a Nobel Peace Prize than of most getting the chance of getting decent health-care insurance in Texas. OK, bad example. I'd have a better chance of receiving a Nobel Prize for Physics than of most receiving the chance of getting decent health-care insurance in Texas. You see where I'm going with this.

But that's one stubborn stand for ideology - regardless of whether that ideology changes the moment Rush Limbaugh says so. Mostly, though, it's a stand handed down by the Party Elders (such as Limbaugh). If something would represent a Democratic victory, it must be stopped, at all costs. And that decree is followed with little or Cao exception.

Basically, if you're representing a state where 25 percent of the population is without health insurance, you vote yes on whichever reform plan has the best shot of passing. And you do that if the only thing you get out if it is some syringes and band-aids. To vote otherwise is a complete dereliction of duty.

But it's a strategy. And removing all human emotion and compassion from the equation, it's a stunningly powerful tactic. Democrats can never really commit to the overall evilness of shoving it right down voters' throats, which really makes it all that much worse. While Democrats hold a knife in one hand, they hold a lollipop in the other while apologizing profusely. Republicans have knives in both hands and tell everyone listening that it was the damned liberals that brought them to this.

This is the plan many Democrats will go, however. With Village People like David Broder and Peggy Noonan shrieking for a liberal shift to the right like teenaged Jonas Brothers fans, many Democrats will desperately fight for the mythical middle-of-the-roaders - the same ones who said they were undecided the night before the Obama-John McCain Presidential election. And Democrats will court that vote by voting against Democrats.

It's going to happen. It's not like I'm Kreskin, here. So if it's going to happen anyway, why not make it look like a plan?

-WKW

With the film "2012″ opening soon, many of the world's great thinkers have accepted the movie's premise as fact. The world as we know it will come to a grinding halt in the year 2012, they believe, because the Mayans said so.

Such logic is impossible to refute. When ancient civilizations predict something, it generally happens. The history of the planet has been foretold long ago by civilizations that - while blessed with incredible foresight and predictive powers - were unfortunately unable to see their own demise staring them in the face. Thus, the end of the world is a virtual certainty.

While this is considered a radical and "moronic" opinion in some circles, history has shown us that if there's one thing you can count on, it's ancient societies correctly predicting future events:

The Hittites foretold of a U.S. President named "Baraq Kissinger Obawma" who would create or save nearly 734 million jobs but receive little credit for it due to being President at the time of the apocalypse.

Philosophers of the Lost Island of Atlantis accurately predicted the invention of scuba gear, though were off base in their predictions that humans would grow gills. Many researchers have claimed the Atlanteans were guilty of what scientists have called "Wishful Thinking."

In ancient Greece, the famed philosopher Socrates reportedly predicted a future where "Ignorance and mediocrity will hold sway," an obvious reference to Glenn Beck and the Tea Bagger movement.

In South America, the Incas predicted the arrival of a young man that would glamor millions despite having no discernible talent aside from "creepy mouth gestures" - clearly referring to "Twilight" star Robert Pattinson's overly entitled smug poutiness.

The Vikings - known more for their warrior spirit - made perhaps the most accurate prediction of all, when archeologists recently discovered scrolls that stated "Whomever shall thrust Jon & Kate Gosselin upon a society shalt be disemboweled with a rusty spoon."

That the world is soon to end is no reason for panic, mind you. The Apocalypse will bring with it a plethora of positives.

Global problems like the economic crisis, swine flu, climate change, disrespectful teenagers, Glenn Beck and erectile function will all vanish immediately into the void of space. The New York Yankees will never win another World Series. No one with the last name "Bush" will ever again be in a position of power. Your herpes will cease being a social issue. The U.S. can declare victory in Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran (Nostradomus predicted the U.S. would put Iran on a steady diet of tactical nuclear weapons starting in 2011).

So remember, the end of the world isn't the end of the world or anything. It's just one of those things. And there is the possibility that the Mayan prediction has been misinterpreted and humanity still has another 5,000 years or so left. But given the situation with the world today, we'd probably all be better off if it happens in 2012, if not sooner. So keep your fingers crossed, it's really all for the best.

--WKW

(Note: When I learned that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has leukemia, I was terribly saddened. Because I remember my Mother's battle with the disease (she died of Leukemia on Dec. 30, 2008). And as much as that, I know that for an African-American and other minorities, the chances of receiving a potentially life-saving bone marrow transplants are horrifyingly low. I wrote this in April 2008, and make the same call I did then - The National Bone Marrow Registry desperately needs the African-American Community to dramatically increase their numbers. Let Abdul-Jabbar's fight be a teaching moment, and something that could save thousands of lives.)

When I recovered from the shock of learning that my Mom had acute myeloid Leukemia, I set to work on learning more about it, and trying to find what part I could play.

It was evident early on that my Mom would need a bone marrow transplant to survive more than one or two years. AML is a vicious disease that can only be repressed by intense chemotherapy. It comes back, and the chemo treatments quickly lose potency. So I saw the part I would play, and knew it would be a lifetime endeavor.

With the help of Pat Conlee of the National Marrow Donor Program, I began to learn about the bone marrow registry. I worked with Conlee, my Father and friends and family to put together a bone marrow drive for my mother in Victorville, Calif. But I knew that was not to be a one-time effort, and that the NMDP needed help from wherever it could find it.

As I learned about the NMDP, one fact struck me extremely hard. For Caucasians in need of a bone marrow transplant, 88 percent find a suitable donor. For African-Americans, that number tumbles to 60 percent.

While any person of any race can be a suitable person for anyone in need, the simple fact is this: ethnicity matters when it comes to bone marrow. A Caucasian person has a much better chance of getting a match from another Caucasian. An Asian person has a much better chance of being matched with another Asian. An African-American has a better chance of being matched with another of African descent.

According to the NMDP, there are just 11 million people on the bone marrow donor registry. And that's not in the U.S. That's in the world. In the U.S., there are five million white people on the registry. There are 500,000 blacks. There lies the difference between the 88 percent and 60 percent figures.

This is a call to the black community. The National Marrow Donor Program needs you. And those of African descent need you even more. They are literally dying for a better representation of blacks on the bone marrow registry.

To put a face to issue, let me point to my friend Emru Townsend. In December, Townsend - of Montreal - was told that he had AML, as well as a disorder called monosomy 7. He was told he needed a bone marrow transplant to survive. He was also told that due to his African-Caribbean heritage, his chances of finding a donor were much less than if he were white.

But Townsend did not waste his time with self-pity. He immediately began to champion the cause, and his efforts to get more blacks on Canada's bone marrow registry have been covered in newspapers, radio and on television. He is a true inspiration, going so far as spending days working to get his message out while he is receiving chemotherapy. And he is still without a matching donor. His site - HealEmru.com - tells his story and has valuable information on how one can get on the bone marrow registry.

"After everything I've learned, I just can't believe that everyone is not on the registry," said Townsend. "It's just such an easy thing and it's so important to so many families."

In the U.S., one of the reasons for the lack of donors of all races is likely the cost. It costs $52 to get on the registry, but that amount falls to $25 for African-Americans due to the need. But even if an African-American doesn't have a dime to spare, if they want to get on the registry, they will not be turned away. But this is why donations are always eagerly accepted by the NMDP to help defray the costs of the tissue typing necessary.

The process for donating is simple - all it takes is a few swaps from a person's inner cheek, filling out some paperwork, and it's done. If you are called as a potential match, you will be given a battery of tests (free of charge) that will see if you are in good health and able to donate. The donating process consists of taking some marrow from your spine (under local anesthesia) and does not entail an overnight stay in a hospital. Generally, some minor discomfort for a day or two is the full price that has to be paid for saving a life.

For my allies in the POC blogosphere, and anyone else interested in helping, I humbly request that you write about this issue in any way you deem fit. Discuss your thoughts on why blacks are so underrepresented if you like. Discuss the issue from any angle you wish. But please discuss it. And register. And try to get more people of African descent onto the registry. Lives are literally in the balance.

Helpful Links

- The National Marrow Donor Program: Here you will find a plethora of information on the bone marrow registry, including how and where you can register. They can also be reached at 1(800) 627-7692.

- Jes Us For Jackie: Rapper Nelly's ongoing effort to get African-Americans involved in the bone marrow donor registry. Nelly's sister died from Leukemia, unable to find a donor.

- Emru Townsend's site: Townsend has worked tirelessly to create a site that has information on his plight, as well as information on bone marrow drives throughout the U.S. and Canada. [Emru Townsend lost his battle with leukemia on November 11, 2008]

- The Caitlin Raymond International Registry: An International bone marrow and cord blood search and donor recruitment center.

- African-American Community Health Advisory Committee: More information on the need for African-American marrow donors and information on how the process takes place.

- Asians for Miracle Matches: Non-Japanese Asians, Native Americans, and Pacific Islanders are also underrepresented on the marrow donor registry. A3M is trying to change that.

If you have any other questions, such as how to put together a bone marrow drive in your community or anything else, feel free to contact me at wkwolfrum(at)gmail(dot)com.

-WKW

TULSA, Okla -- The blog poster known as "Slick Rick" was in a bad mood. A thin layer of Cheeto dust covered his desk and keyboard. He hadn't bathed in days. His hands hurt from hours of trolling around progressive Web sites, desperately trying to engage left-leaning commentors to take his bait.

His most recent comment: "You know, if you haven't done anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about," in a post about the U.S. government's eavesdropping programs had gotten very little response, aside from a snide "Go away, troll" at the site Firedoglake.

"You know," said Slick Rick via Skype. "Being a troll used to mean something. These days, it's just work, all day, every day."

Slick Rick isn't alone. A full year ahead of the 2008 U.S. elections, the demands on right-wing trolls are higher than ever. Between questioning what law Scooter Libby broke, to assailing the patriotism of any and all that would question the long-running war in Iraq, to trying to get Cindy Sheehan's name into any discussion about anything, the average troll has a busy, if completely unfulfilling existence.

Which is part of the reason why a loosely formed coalition of right-wing trolls are trying to band together to form a labor union that they hope will help them receive health insurance, conduct collective bargaining or even set professional standards.

Organizers hope a trolls' labor group the importance of their roles in candidates' campaigns.

"There are progressive blogs everywhere and the GOP needs us to do whatever it takes to get their message scrambled," said Jocko, a troll who spends most of his days and nights monitoring the site OliverWillis.com. "I don't see Dick Cheney out there on the front lines like us, saying anything to stem the tide."

For the trolls, however, while they are much-hated and considered an outright drain on democracy by many, there have been signs of hope. The company Advantage Consulting has actively worked with trolls, sending out legions of them to "astro-turf" subjects ranging from stem-cell research to health care and the economy.

For many trolls, however, more needs to be done.

"When you create as many straw men per day as I do, It's exhausting," said Toad the Wet Sprocket, a right-wing troll who alternates between the sites Crooks & Liars and the Spacey Gracey Review. "We expect communists like John Kerry to flip-flop on issues. But we need to unionize."

Of course, there's the obvious question: Aren't right-wingers, by their very nature, anti-union? It would seem like something that would stop the movement directly in its tracks. Luckily for them, however, right-wing trolls have been shown to be nearly completely impervious to logic. Slick Rick was noticeably angered when the concept was brought up to him;

"Are you kidding me? What are you, a commie?" said Slick Rick angrily. "Of course we could, and should unionize. We need health care. We need financial support. We're fighting to save this country from becoming a welfare state and to keep people like Che Hillary from just giving away taxpayers' money."

This leads to another interesting dilemma for the trolls - according to a recent survey by researchers at Shakesville University, nearly half of right-wing trolls were clearly unaware that they were, in fact, trolls. Noted behavioral scientist Tyler Reynolds of the University of Hawaii said it's a perplexing issue.

"It's hard to get into the mind of some of these trolls," said Reynolds. "They'll argue - vehemently - both sides of an issue for hours, if need be, against anyone. Yet they refuse to accept their inherent trollness."

Reynolds listed a few common traits of a troll:

- Spending an inordinate amount of time where you're not wanted;
- A slavish, dog-like obedience to authority;
- A willingness to mimic any talking point;
- A willingness to change any opinion you hold at the drop of the President's hat;
- A contempt for those who challenge you on any point.

Reynolds admitted that the traits aren't foolproof in detecting full-time trolls - just glancing through them, one immediately pictures Alberto Gonzalez, who is the U.S. Attorney General, and only a part-time troll on such major sites as The Huffington Post, commenting under the name "Gonzo Tex-Mex."

Other right-wing troll traits include calling those that disagree with you communists, as well as not being able to actually define what a communist is. When asked what a communist is, Toad the Wet Sprocket angrily lashed out "Only a communist would ask a stupid question like that. Commie."

In the end, the battle to unionize a rag-tag group of anonymous typing graffiti artists would seem an impossible quest. When asked why he believe creating a labor union for right-wing trolls was possible, Slick Rick gave a rambling answer that had nothing whatsoever to do with the question.

"Why is it that you hate America so much?" said Slick Rick. "Our troops are over there fighting them so we don't have to fight them here. But the liberal media still wants socialized medicine? You know, people like you and the people of New Orleans are always looking for a hand out. Well, the free ride is over. You, and Rosie O'Donnell, and Ward Churchill, and Cindy Sheehan will be hung for treason one day soon. God Bless America. God Bless George Bush, and death to the Islamofascists."

--WKW

Originally posted Aug. 2007

Following Tuesday's nightmare elections that saw their party lose gubernatorial races in New Jersey and Virginia, many Democrats have sounded the alarm - the time to pass their agenda is not quite here yet.

Despite holding commanding advantages in both the House and Senate, many Democrats have said they are afraid to frighten off voters by being too aggressive in achieving their aims. With that in mind, several Red-State Democrats have come forward to announce their plans to wait until after the 2036 elections to further pursue the Democratic agenda.

"While we understand that we were voted in for specific reasons, we can't allow our work in Washington to overshadow our need to remain in office," said Blue Dog Democratic Sen. Ben Nelson. "We believe that after the 2036 elections, we'll have the super hyper majority that we'll need to accept that we have a mandate."

Other Red State Democrats seemed even more skittish about working on issues like health care reform, finance reform, ending the NSA eavesdropping program, climate change reform and other issues many Democratic voters hold close to their heart.

"This off-year election was a real eye-opener," said Democratic Sen. Blanche Lincoln. "There are now two - not one - but two Democrats that are no longer governors. By being so active in Congress, we risk more losses. I say wait until 2042."

When asked what Democrats planned to do for 27 years while awaiting their super hyper majority, one Senator who would not go on record said the strategy will be simple.

"Fund raise and campaign," said the Democrat. "You can never fund raise and campaign enough."

Nelson, an important swing vote in the current health care reform battle, said he thought Obama's agenda would eventually be pushed through, but that now was not the time.

"People need to be saying slow it down and don't add more to the deficit," said Nelson. "We will pass President Obama's agenda. But when I say President Obama, I mean Sasha."

-WKW

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his followers at 3 p.m.

"My friends, I have always been open about my religious beliefs because I firmly adhere to the concept that what makes this nation great is freedom of religion. Whether you are a Scientologist, Mormon, Satanist, Christian, Muslim or Jew, you have the right to worship as you deem fit.

Now, as most of you are aware, I have long been a practicing Scientologist Mormon Satanist Christian Muslim Jew. The reason behind my multiple, and often conflicting beliefs is due to the fact that I've extrapolated Pascal's Wager to its furthest conclusion. Basically, when I die, I'm covered regardless of who's actually running this show. So I got that going for me.

Nonetheless, being a SciMoChristoSatanIslaJew is not easy. For instance, if I come down with a cold, the sheer amount of prayers and rituals I have to go through is staggering. It's a non-stop day of rosary beads, praying to mecca, shedding Thetans, slaughtering goats, fasting and devouring live baby heads. And the tithing. Dear Lord, the tithing.

Being that baby heads, goats and rosaries don't grow on trees, you can imagine the money I have to pay for the health care that my religions demand. This is why I and other SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews are demanding to be treated with the respect we deserve. We demand that the current health care reform bill cover our wide variety of needs.

This is not an outrageous request. After all, the current health care reform bill already has a provision which would prohibit the government from discriminating against "religious and spiritual health care." Simply put, if you pray, the federal government will pay.

For me, however, simple prayer isn't enough for my religious and spiritual health. My health is incredibly demanding spiritually. Like the other day, when I sprained my wrist and was forced to drink South African weasel blood. Hell, up until then, I wasn't even aware there were weasels in South Africa. But let me tell you, there are, and those little critters are just packed with blood. And they don't come cheap.

This is why all American taxpayers must fund my religious and spiritual health care. Because if Christians are going to be singled out as deserving of compensation for their beliefs, so should we Pascalian SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews. It's fair, and its the American way for all Americans to support the religious beliefs of others.

So please, help me in my pursuit to stay spiritually and physically healthy by forcing the federal government to pay for my rituals of praying to Jesus, Allah and God while purging myself of Thetans and goring on baby heads and weasel blood. And the tithing. Dear Lord, I could use some help with all the tithing.

Please contact the Freedom from Religion Foundation and tell them "Yes! We all should pay for someone's religious beliefs, regardless of how complicated and often illegal they are!"

Thank you, and I have retained counsel on this matter."

-WKW

"Marty Eisenstadt" poses for a photo with Sen. Joe Lieberman - moments before Lieberman and Blue Dog Dems invaded Sen. Ben Nelson's office for some arm-twisting.

Sometimes, it takes a hoaxer to uncover a real story. This is a true story as related to me by Eitan Gorlin.

Martin Eisenstadt creators Eitan Gorlin and Dan Mirvish were in Washington D.C. today, tooling about Congress pressing the flesh to promote their new book "I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man's (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans." According to Gorlin, the two had given an autographed copy of the book to Sen. Tom Harkin (Mirvish once worked as a speechwriter for Harkin) as well as Sen. Ben Nelson.

Moments after the picture was taken, however, Gorlin informs me that Lieberman, along with Blue Dog Democrat Senators Mary Landreau and Blanche Lincoln and one Senator they couldn't identify went into the office of fellow Blue Dog Ben Nelson, leaving the Eisenstadt duo behind.

"I posed for a the picture with Lieberman and he asked my name. I said "Marty Eisenstadt,'" said a laughing Gorlin, the face of the infamous hoax neocon pundit. "We were just kind of schmoozing with people outside Nelson's office, and one by one, every moderate senator walked into Nelson's office.

"There was no press or staff and they all looked very stern," continued Gorlin. "It was obvious what was happening. Nelson is the swing vote on health care reform and everybody in Washington is talking about him."

Nelson previously called the Public option a "Deal-Breaker," but has recently softened his stance.

"He made it clear that he is open to the public option. That's not a line in the sand where he says it must be off the table for him to move forward on health care reform," Nebraska Democrat Jane Kleeb.

So will Nelson go against the public option now that it appears Lieberman - who has said he would filibuster the bill due to the public option - is actively campaigning against it? Gorlin said that while he wasn't privy to what went on in the meeting,  so many moderate Dems at Nelson's office gave the strong appearance of what went on inside.

"You're going to see Nelson come out against the health care reform bill, I'm sure of it," said Gorlin.

-WKW

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

_________

That the United States of America was founded as a great experiment in freedom has always been somewhat of an unintended practical joke. The great freedoms espoused in such documents as the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights have always had the world's attention. But these freedoms Americans so revere have been countered by the importance of defining which Americans were deserve such freedoms. It has always been so.

While insinuating that the Founding Fathers were pulling a practical joke is a polemic sentiment, how else can one interpret any document that begins with "all men are created equal" and then immediately follow it with a definition of slaves as 60 percent of a person?

Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons.

As English abolitionist Thomas Day wrote in a 1776 letter: "If there be an object truly ridiculous in nature", "it is an American patriot, signing resolutions of independency with the one hand, and with the other brandishing a whip over his affrighted slaves."

Such has always been the paradox of the United States. While words such as "Freedom" and "Liberty" are shouted with such jingoistic and patriotic glee, these freedoms have always been the sole property of the majority. It has always been so, and millions of Americans from every era have fought hard to ensure that these freedoms only apply to "Real Americans."

Yesterday in Maine, we saw the majority gain its latest victory in its perpetual battle to keep the minority beneath them, as voters in Maine overturned the state's Gay Marriage law. For now, the people have spoken, and their words are as old as the Union itself - Americans have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, provided the majority doesn't have to share these rights with any minorities that are morally unacceptable, be they slaves or gays.

Because while America has always been a nation that preaches freedom, the preaching of religious fundamentalists has always had a deciding vote in who deserves these freedoms. And with Proposition 8 in California and yesterday's vote in Maine, these fundamentalists have made it clear with their words and dollars - the LGBT Community is not worthy of having the same rights as others.

The election of Barack Obama was, to many, a mandate for freedom. But, in Maine, we saw how Obama has handled Gay Rights issues. Because while they had the money and time to campaign for Dave Corzine's failed bid to be re-elected as Governor of New Jersey, both he and the Democratic Party were silent and even disinterested in Maine's Gay Marriage referendum.

Six months ago, the Los Angeles Times presciently defined Obama's role in the fight for Gay Rights thusly:

"Although he appears willing to sign gay rights bills, he takes a curiously passive approach to ensuring that such legislation actually gets to his desk."

Basically, if you can get Gay Rights legislation to his desk, he'll sign it. But don't expect this transcendent President - the first member of a minority to ever hold the office - to use up any of his political capital fighting for the rights of others. Such fights are for candidates in speeches to the disaffected, they are not the type of fights an elected official has much interest in. Not when there are millions of religious votes to be had.

Still, Tuesday's elections did have its bright side for Gay Rights activists, as voters in the State of Washington narrowly voted to increase "Domestic Partnerships" - giving gay marriage advocates a partial victory.

But, as it always has been, the freedoms promised by the United States are still separated by nebulous walls. Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) is still the law of the land, and gays and lesbians still get fired for having a sexual preference that religious fundamentalists abhor. The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is still on the books - and has been vociferously defended by the Obama Administration - meaning that as of today, a married same-sex couple in Vermont is not a married couple in Maine. And Gays and Lesbians can still be fired from their jobs due to their sexual preference as the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) slowly makes its way through the Senate.

To put it as simply as possible, as of today, Nov. 4, 2009, members of the LGBT Community do not have the same rights as a heterosexual white male like myself. In the eyes of the United States Government, I am more deserving of rights than any Gay, Lesbian or Transgendered person.

These rights will never be given to the LGBT Community without a fight. Freedom, especially in the United States, is predicated on fighting for those freedoms. And the fight will continue, and the voices will get louder until they can no longer be ignored.

Because despite it all, there is one advantage that the LGBT community owns. And that is the fact that those in federal and state governments just don't care who has the rights promised in the Founding Fathers' documents. What they care about is money and votes. It has always been so. And the Milton Friedman revolution has given them all the money in the world. The economy is now the sole possession of the U.S. Government and their corporate sponsors. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness are little more than irksome side issues.

This is why the LGBT Community will - with the help of allies that truly believe in freedom and liberty - eventually gain the rights that will make them five-fifths of an American citizen. This great practical joke of liberty will eventually become a literal truth for the LGBT Community, as it is for myself and others in the majority.

That it will require a tireless and endless fight goes without saying. For any minority, the fight for equal rights is a long and arduous one, filled with small victories and big losses. But the brave and unstoppable fight by Gay Rights activists will eventually turn the politically impossible into the politically inevitable. It has always been so.

-WKW

What do Roland Hedley, Martin Eisenstadt, Stephen Colbert & Joe Lieberman have in common? All will pretend to be conservative for the right price.

-WKW

AFGHANISTAN - Proud citizens stood outside the home of Hamid Karzai this morning, cheering the re-election of the Afghanistan President after Afghan officials canceled Saturday's run-off presidential vote following the withdrawal from the race of the last challenger, Abdullah Abdullah.

Shouting slogans like "Yes We Can," "Change we can believe in," and "Can your brother score me a dime bag?" Karzai supporters partied into the early hours of the morning, celebrating the victory. In a brief statement, Karzai applauded his supporters' help.

"Without you voting, we could never have changed you votes," said Karzai. "Your support has been vital, especially those of you that voted several hundred times."

Dr. Abdullah, who dropped out of the race Sunday, called the election a "victory for Democracy that sets Afghanistan on the path to liberty and freedom."

"Mmmphh, grrsszz, bbllpphhhh," said Abdullah with a gun lodged firmly between his teeth. "Brrrrkks. Brrrvvll, gaaaa."

Karzai was quick to make changes to his cabinet, naming former tennis superstar Andre Agassi as his new "Drug Czar."

"Anyone who can win the U.S. Open while hopped up on Meth is the perfect addition to my cabinet," said Karzai. "He will work closely with my brother on drug issues."

Karzai's victory was also a victory for the United States Central Intelligence Agency, which devised the political strategy that led Karzai to his win.

"This is part of our 'permanent American Majority' plan," said CIA Director Leon Panetta. "By playing all sides of this election, we were able to get the result we wanted, at the low price of 833 U.S. troops. It's a proud day, indeed."

Critics of the controversial election were generally quiet and mostly duct-taped to chairs in undisclosed locations. American critics on both the left and the right were also quiet about Karzai's victory, preferring to focus instead on the more Twitter-friendly issue of Iran's election fraud.

"Ahmadinejad's so-called victory goes against all democratic principles," said U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman, pointing out that Twitterers save seven character spaces by focusing on Iran. "Unless Iran can be democratic, we must consider a first-strike attack or at least keep the U.S. from receiving health care reform to showcase the plight of freedom-deprived Iranians."

--WKW