Following Tuesday's nightmare elections that saw their party lose gubernatorial races in New Jersey and Virginia, many Democrats have sounded the alarm - the time to pass their agenda is not quite here yet.

Despite holding commanding advantages in both the House and Senate, many Democrats have said they are afraid to frighten off voters by being too aggressive in achieving their aims. With that in mind, several Red-State Democrats have come forward to announce their plans to wait until after the 2036 elections to further pursue the Democratic agenda.

"While we understand that we were voted in for specific reasons, we can't allow our work in Washington to overshadow our need to remain in office," said Blue Dog Democratic Sen. Ben Nelson. "We believe that after the 2036 elections, we'll have the super hyper majority that we'll need to accept that we have a mandate."

Other Red State Democrats seemed even more skittish about working on issues like health care reform, finance reform, ending the NSA eavesdropping program, climate change reform and other issues many Democratic voters hold close to their heart.

"This off-year election was a real eye-opener," said Democratic Sen. Blanche Lincoln. "There are now two - not one - but two Democrats that are no longer governors. By being so active in Congress, we risk more losses. I say wait until 2042."

When asked what Democrats planned to do for 27 years while awaiting their super hyper majority, one Senator who would not go on record said the strategy will be simple.

"Fund raise and campaign," said the Democrat. "You can never fund raise and campaign enough."

Nelson, an important swing vote in the current health care reform battle, said he thought Obama's agenda would eventually be pushed through, but that now was not the time.

"People need to be saying slow it down and don't add more to the deficit," said Nelson. "We will pass President Obama's agenda. But when I say President Obama, I mean Sasha."

-WKW

"My friends, I have always been open about my religious beliefs because I firmly adhere to the concept that what makes this nation great is freedom of religion. Whether you are a Scientologist, Mormon, Satanist, Christian, Muslim or Jew, you have the right to worship as you deem fit.

Now, as most of you are aware, I have long been a practicing Scientologist Mormon Satanist Christian Muslim Jew. The reason behind my multiple, and often conflicting beliefs is due to the fact that I've extrapolated Pascal's Wager to its furthest conclusion. Basically, when I die, I'm covered regardless of who's actually running this show. So I got that going for me.

Nonetheless, being a SciMoChristoSatanIslaJew is not easy. For instance, if I come down with a cold, the sheer amount of prayers and rituals I have to go through is staggering. It's a non-stop day of rosary beads, praying to mecca, shedding Thetans, slaughtering goats, fasting and devouring live baby heads. And the tithing. Dear Lord, the tithing.

Being that baby heads, goats and rosaries don't grow on trees, you can imagine the money I have to pay for the health care that my religions demand. This is why I and other SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews are demanding to be treated with the respect we deserve. We demand that the current health care reform bill cover our wide variety of needs.

This is not an outrageous request. After all, the current health care reform bill already has a provision which would prohibit the government from discriminating against "religious and spiritual health care." Simply put, if you pray, the federal government will pay.

For me, however, simple prayer isn't enough for my religious and spiritual health. My health is incredibly demanding spiritually. Like the other day, when I sprained my wrist and was forced to drink South African weasel blood. Hell, up until then, I wasn't even aware there were weasels in South Africa. But let me tell you, there are, and those little critters are just packed with blood. And they don't come cheap.

This is why all American taxpayers must fund my religious and spiritual health care. Because if Christians are going to be singled out as deserving of compensation for their beliefs, so should we Pascalian SciMoChristoSatanIslaJews. It's fair, and its the American way for all Americans to support the religious beliefs of others.

So please, help me in my pursuit to stay spiritually and physically healthy by forcing the federal government to pay for my rituals of praying to Jesus, Allah and God while purging myself of Thetans and goring on baby heads and weasel blood. And the tithing. Dear Lord, I could use some help with all the tithing.

Please contact the Freedom from Religion Foundation and tell them "Yes! We all should pay for someone's religious beliefs, regardless of how complicated and often illegal they are!"

Thank you, and I have retained counsel on this matter."

-WKW

Sometimes, it takes a hoaxer to uncover a real story. This is a true story as related to me by Eitan Gorlin.

Martin Eisenstadt creators Eitan Gorlin and Dan Mirvish were in Washington D.C. today, tooling about Congress pressing the flesh to promote their new book "I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man's (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans." According to Gorlin, the two had given an autographed copy of the book to Sen. Tom Harkin (Mirvish once worked as a speechwriter for Harkin) as well as Sen. Ben Nelson.

Moments after the picture was taken, however, Gorlin informs me that Lieberman, along with Blue Dog Democrat Senators Mary Landreau and Blanche Lincoln and one Senator they couldn't identify went into the office of fellow Blue Dog Ben Nelson, leaving the Eisenstadt duo behind.

"I posed for a the picture with Lieberman and he asked my name. I said "Marty Eisenstadt,'" said a laughing Gorlin, the face of the infamous hoax neocon pundit. "We were just kind of schmoozing with people outside Nelson's office, and one by one, every moderate senator walked into Nelson's office.

"There was no press or staff and they all looked very stern," continued Gorlin. "It was obvious what was happening. Nelson is the swing vote on health care reform and everybody in Washington is talking about him."

Nelson previously called the Public option a "Deal-Breaker," but has recently softened his stance.

"He made it clear that he is open to the public option. That's not a line in the sand where he says it must be off the table for him to move forward on health care reform," Nebraska Democrat Jane Kleeb.

So will Nelson go against the public option now that it appears Lieberman - who has said he would filibuster the bill due to the public option - is actively campaigning against it? Gorlin said that while he wasn't privy to what went on in the meeting,  so many moderate Dems at Nelson's office gave the strong appearance of what went on inside.

"You're going to see Nelson come out against the health care reform bill, I'm sure of it," said Gorlin.

-WKW

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

_________

That the United States of America was founded as a great experiment in freedom has always been somewhat of an unintended practical joke. The great freedoms espoused in such documents as the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights have always had the world's attention. But these freedoms Americans so revere have been countered by the importance of defining which Americans were deserve such freedoms. It has always been so.

While insinuating that the Founding Fathers were pulling a practical joke is a polemic sentiment, how else can one interpret any document that begins with "all men are created equal" and then immediately follow it with a definition of slaves as 60 percent of a person?

Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons.

As English abolitionist Thomas Day wrote in a 1776 letter: "If there be an object truly ridiculous in nature", "it is an American patriot, signing resolutions of independency with the one hand, and with the other brandishing a whip over his affrighted slaves."

Such has always been the paradox of the United States. While words such as "Freedom" and "Liberty" are shouted with such jingoistic and patriotic glee, these freedoms have always been the sole property of the majority. It has always been so, and millions of Americans from every era have fought hard to ensure that these freedoms only apply to "Real Americans."

Yesterday in Maine, we saw the majority gain its latest victory in its perpetual battle to keep the minority beneath them, as voters in Maine overturned the state's Gay Marriage law. For now, the people have spoken, and their words are as old as the Union itself - Americans have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, provided the majority doesn't have to share these rights with any minorities that are morally unacceptable, be they slaves or gays.

Because while America has always been a nation that preaches freedom, the preaching of religious fundamentalists has always had a deciding vote in who deserves these freedoms. And with Proposition 8 in California and yesterday's vote in Maine, these fundamentalists have made it clear with their words and dollars - the LGBT Community is not worthy of having the same rights as others.

The election of Barack Obama was, to many, a mandate for freedom. But, in Maine, we saw how Obama has handled Gay Rights issues. Because while they had the money and time to campaign for Dave Corzine's failed bid to be re-elected as Governor of New Jersey, both he and the Democratic Party were silent and even disinterested in Maine's Gay Marriage referendum.

Six months ago, the Los Angeles Times presciently defined Obama's role in the fight for Gay Rights thusly:

"Although he appears willing to sign gay rights bills, he takes a curiously passive approach to ensuring that such legislation actually gets to his desk."

Basically, if you can get Gay Rights legislation to his desk, he'll sign it. But don't expect this transcendent President - the first member of a minority to ever hold the office - to use up any of his political capital fighting for the rights of others. Such fights are for candidates in speeches to the disaffected, they are not the type of fights an elected official has much interest in. Not when there are millions of religious votes to be had.

Still, Tuesday's elections did have its bright side for Gay Rights activists, as voters in the State of Washington narrowly voted to increase "Domestic Partnerships" - giving gay marriage advocates a partial victory.

But, as it always has been, the freedoms promised by the United States are still separated by nebulous walls. Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) is still the law of the land, and gays and lesbians still get fired for having a sexual preference that religious fundamentalists abhor. The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is still on the books - and has been vociferously defended by the Obama Administration - meaning that as of today, a married same-sex couple in Vermont is not a married couple in Maine. And Gays and Lesbians can still be fired from their jobs due to their sexual preference as the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) slowly makes its way through the Senate.

To put it as simply as possible, as of today, Nov. 4, 2009, members of the LGBT Community do not have the same rights as a heterosexual white male like myself. In the eyes of the United States Government, I am more deserving of rights than any Gay, Lesbian or Transgendered person.

These rights will never be given to the LGBT Community without a fight. Freedom, especially in the United States, is predicated on fighting for those freedoms. And the fight will continue, and the voices will get louder until they can no longer be ignored.

Because despite it all, there is one advantage that the LGBT community owns. And that is the fact that those in federal and state governments just don't care who has the rights promised in the Founding Fathers' documents. What they care about is money and votes. It has always been so. And the Milton Friedman revolution has given them all the money in the world. The economy is now the sole possession of the U.S. Government and their corporate sponsors. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness are little more than irksome side issues.

This is why the LGBT Community will - with the help of allies that truly believe in freedom and liberty - eventually gain the rights that will make them five-fifths of an American citizen. This great practical joke of liberty will eventually become a literal truth for the LGBT Community, as it is for myself and others in the majority.

That it will require a tireless and endless fight goes without saying. For any minority, the fight for equal rights is a long and arduous one, filled with small victories and big losses. But the brave and unstoppable fight by Gay Rights activists will eventually turn the politically impossible into the politically inevitable. It has always been so.

-WKW

What do Roland Hedley, Martin Eisenstadt, Stephen Colbert & Joe Lieberman have in common? All will pretend to be conservative for the right price.

-WKW

AFGHANISTAN - Proud citizens stood outside the home of Hamid Karzai this morning, cheering the re-election of the Afghanistan President after Afghan officials canceled Saturday's run-off presidential vote following the withdrawal from the race of the last challenger, Abdullah Abdullah.

Shouting slogans like "Yes We Can," "Change we can believe in," and "Can your brother score me a dime bag?" Karzai supporters partied into the early hours of the morning, celebrating the victory. In a brief statement, Karzai applauded his supporters' help.

"Without you voting, we could never have changed you votes," said Karzai. "Your support has been vital, especially those of you that voted several hundred times."

Dr. Abdullah, who dropped out of the race Sunday, called the election a "victory for Democracy that sets Afghanistan on the path to liberty and freedom."

"Mmmphh, grrsszz, bbllpphhhh," said Abdullah with a gun lodged firmly between his teeth. "Brrrrkks. Brrrvvll, gaaaa."

Karzai was quick to make changes to his cabinet, naming former tennis superstar Andre Agassi as his new "Drug Czar."

"Anyone who can win the U.S. Open while hopped up on Meth is the perfect addition to my cabinet," said Karzai. "He will work closely with my brother on drug issues."

Karzai's victory was also a victory for the United States Central Intelligence Agency, which devised the political strategy that led Karzai to his win.

"This is part of our 'permanent American Majority' plan," said CIA Director Leon Panetta. "By playing all sides of this election, we were able to get the result we wanted, at the low price of 833 U.S. troops. It's a proud day, indeed."

Critics of the controversial election were generally quiet and mostly duct-taped to chairs in undisclosed locations. American critics on both the left and the right were also quiet about Karzai's victory, preferring to focus instead on the more Twitter-friendly issue of Iran's election fraud.

"Ahmadinejad's so-called victory goes against all democratic principles," said U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman, pointing out that Twitterers save seven character spaces by focusing on Iran. "Unless Iran can be democratic, we must consider a first-strike attack or at least keep the U.S. from receiving health care reform to showcase the plight of freedom-deprived Iranians."

--WKW

HOLLYWOOD - Ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin took to her Facebook page again today, this time to refute allegations made by 5-year-old Timmy Johnson of Tupelo, Miss., who had made harsh comments about Palin yesterday.

"Timmy Johnson is an embarrassment to 5-year-olds everywhere," wrote Palin. "He is an ignorant, selfish attention whore."

The attack by Palin came after Johnson made remarks about Palin during a pre-school class.

"She's scary," Johnson reportedly said. "I don't like her."

Word quickly got to Palin about the boy's remark, and she wasted no time in responding.

"If there's anyone more in need of a timeout than Timmy Johnson, I can't think of them," said Palin. "The little bed wetter needs to mind his own business."

The attack on young Johnson is the latest attack on young boys by Palin. Earlier this week, she lashed out at teenager Levi Johnston - the father of her grandchild.

"Those who would sell their body for money reflect a desperate need for attention and are likely to say and do anything for even more attention," said Palin, a former beauty contest contestant.

While conservatives cheered Palin's aggressiveness in attacking anyone who would go against her ("I am so in love with her," said Weekly Standard Editor William Kristol), others have complained that Palin is beginning to show a callous and vindictive side.

"I have no idea what's going on here," said Gloria Johnson, mother of Timmy. "But the bed wetting remark was out of bounds. Timmy is very sensitive about that."

In other news, Palin announced that she will soon be quitting Facebook.

"The best way for me to help social media is to be outside of social media," said Palin, who then apparently became distracted and just started spouting her normal talking points. "Like a salmon swims socialist polar bears riding snow mobiles oil and Patriots You betcha Trig. America!!

Growing up in this great nation of ours, I was taught to have great pride in the freedoms America has bestowed upon its citizens. I learned of the brave Americans who heroically fought to acquire these freedoms, and today I still swell with pride thinking of the Americans that made the ultimate sacrifice to assure that all American citizens would live in the "Land of the Free."

Nonetheless, it took time for these freedoms to be acquired. The Founding Fathers were well aware that political pressures meant that they needed contain themselves when it came to bestowing these rights. In essence, there was - and is - the right time for rights.

In 2009, the Lesbian and Gay communities are fighting to have the same freedoms and rights as other Americans. Currently, gays and lesbians aren't allowed to serve in the military unless they keep a large part of themselves hidden. Likewise, the multitude of rights provided to married Americans just do not apply to the gay and lesbian community.

Americans should feel shame in allowing their government to define which of "We the People" are deserving of all the rights and freedoms available and the time for Gay Rights is now. Still, we must go back to the words of our Founding Fathers to see that sometimes these things take time, due to complicated political reasons. A look at some of the famous quotes by great Americans:

"Each individual of the society has a right to be protected by it in the enjoyment of his life, liberty, and property, according to standing laws. Should these laws not protect groups of Americans, they must wait patiently until Congress can agree that these rights should, in fact, be available to them."

- John Adams

"The ordaining of laws in favor of one part of the nation, to the prejudice and oppression of another, is certainly the most erroneous and mistaken policy. An equal dispensation of protection, rights, privileges, and advantages, is what every part is entitled to, and ought to enjoy. And I resolve that once there are no wars, once there is no poverty, once there is no hardship, once there are no important pending bills relating to corporations in the Senate, that we shall judge the political atmosphere and then take under advisement whether we shouldmake these protection, rights, privileges, and advantages available to others aside from rich white men."

- Benjamin Frankin

Never have the words of our Founders been more important. This is why we all must fight to guarantee that the protections, rights, privileges, and advantages available to some are available to all. It is time for all Americans, regardless of sexual orientation, to have the full benefit of the freedoms available. By following the advice of the Founding Fathers, we shall repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell," the "Defense of Marriage Act" and all other laws that shut out Americans from having the rights that so many Americans gave their life to acquire.

Once the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are over, and health care reform is passed, and the unemployment problem is solved, and the international financial crisis has run its course, and we solve the illegal immigration problem, and the international dilemmas of Iran, Israel, Pakistan, Honduras, and North Korea are quelled, we will focus on Gay Rights and achieve freedom for all. Provided we have the votes necessary and there's no election coming up and and no fringe groups make to much of a ruckus about it.

Yes, when the time is right, we shall fight. Or, as the great American Patrick Henry so proudly stated:

"Give me liberty or give me death. Provided nothing else pressing is happening and we have the votes necessary to achieve this liberty and are able to break any filibustering against said liberties and are able reach bi-partisan agreement that these liberties are necessary, warranted and don't upset anyone."

At the United Nations recently, the Obama Administration joined Egypt in presenting a non-binding resolution to in the U.N. Human Rights Council to protect the freedoms of peoples around the world.

The resolution is A/HRC/12/L.14/Rev.1 [PDF] and titled "Promotion and Protection of all Human Rights, Civil, Political, Economic, Social and Cultural Rights, including the Right to Development." The resolution - which passed unanimously - included this section:

4. Also expresses its concern that incidents of racial and religious intolerance, discrimination and related violence, as well as of negative racial and religious stereotyping of religions and racial groups continue to rise around the world, and condemns, in this context, any advocacy of national, racial or religious hatred that constitutes incitement to discrimination, hostility or violence, and urges States to take effective measures, consistent with their obligations under international human rights law international human rights, to address and combat such incidents;

The Egyptian ambassador to the U.N., Hisham Badr, applauded the teamwork between his nation and the U.S., stating "freedom of expression has been sometimes misused" and the "true nature of this right" must yield government limitations.

This section has caused an uproar amongst many, including Atheist groups and other civil libertarians that fear the slippery slope of censorship. As I see it, this battle is far from over, but many Muslim nations like Egypt - which already has draconian anti-free speech policies - have put in the heavy lifting to make blasphemy an international crime. So regardless of the "non-binding" part, this is a battle that free-speech proponents need to win.

There's still hope, mind you. Secretary of Defense Hillary Clinton has spoken out against an effort by the Organization of the Islamic Conference to get the U.N. Human Rights Council to adopt resolutions that crack down hard against blasphemy:

"Some claim that the best way to protect the freedom of religion is to implement so-called anti-defamation policies. . . . I strongly disagree," Clinton said. "The protection of speech about religion is particularly important since persons of different faiths will inevitably hold divergent views on religious questions."

Just in case, however, I think it may be best for me to get as much of blasphemy out of my system before I become an international speech criminal. So, let's misuse some freedoms while we still can:

Blasphemy Bonanza

Catholicism: Nothing quite like having some dude in a fancy robe condemning millions of Africans to death via AIDS because he demonizes condom usage as a sin. One wonders if the Pope has informed his pedophile priests to not use condoms when they destroy the lives of children?

Christianity: It's amazing that all the scribes back then missed out on seeing a three-day dead dude physically ascend to the heavens after creating a huge ruckus. It's even more amazing the people are so convinced there really was a Jesus Christ, especially after you learn that his same story had been told many times before.

Judaism: Sure, there was no Jesus Christ. But let's blame his death on you guys, anyway.

Islam: Nothing quite like having your top prophet marry a 6-year-old to get you to pray five times a day. Seriously folks, have a BLT and a beer and chill the fuck out.

Mormonism: A guy wanders into the woods alone and comes out with a religion. No, it's not the beginning of a joke, it's the beginning of the Church of Latter Day Saints. You folks aren't fooling anyone. We know it's just a plot for white folks to have an American Jesus while being racist, homophobic and marrying as often as you want.

Scientology: My mistake. This isn't a religion. It's a Ponzi scheme.

Jainism: Go ahead, just suck in a microbe already. They don't give a shit.

Hinduism: Ok, we're all doing yoga now. So go pray to an elephant or something and leave the rest of us alone.

Buddhism: Smoking a joint will get you as enlightened as you need. The rest of it is just an overwhelming desire to sit.

Rastafari: I said "A joint." Once you start rapid-firing the cannabis, you start believing this guy is Jesus Christ:

Wicca: Oh for fuck's sake, you aren't a witch.

Sikhism: We don't care what you say or do - we all think you're Muslim, anyway.
____________________

While preaching for violent acts against any group is never to be tolerated, this issue is about the rights of all - from the lowliest serf to the richest land baron - to be able to speak out, or for, institutions that already have too much control over their lives. If slippery slopes are your thing, this UN non-binding resolution is overlooking an extremely deep chasm.

When I began looking into one "M. Thomas Eisenstadt" last May, part of me was irritated about how the hoax was screwing with public discourse. But as time went on, that feeling changed. And that's because Eisenstadt changed, and not just the first name.

You see, Eisenstadt creators Dan Mirvish and Eitan Gorlin started the Martin Eisenstadt hoax as a way to try to create a character that would appeal to sit-com producers. As time, and the 2008 Presidential election moved forward, however, the pair began to take more pride and interest in mocking political pundits around the nation. In a classic quote, Mirvish gave his opinion of these oft-worthless talking heads:

"But the other thing is that the 24 hour news cycle goes so fast and they really - they don't always check and then the pundits they do have on, they are identified as "Republican strategist" or "Democratic strategist" and their only strategy seems to be picking out the red M&Ms at the green room on HARDBALL. Are these people any more qualified than the fake pundit we developed?"

By the time "Eisenstadt" hoaxed MSNBC and many others, my opinion was that any hoax they perpetrated was much more the fault of the media that slurped them up. After all, several months before, I had outed him as a hoax, so the third entry for a Google search on the fake pundit screamed out that he was a hoax.

As much as that, a quick scan of Eisenstadt's "work" showed very clearly that the whole thing was satire. They were as subtle as a punch in the face. But still, their stories got passed along by the media. Hell, even after they took credit as the source of the "Sarah Palin doesn't know if Africa is a country or continent" report, and the New York Times outed the pair to millions, they still hoaxed people.

The best, by far, was Time Magazine. In January, Time ran a piece proclaiming that Eisenstadt was a hoax, but one "2008's Top Fleeting Celebrities." Then, in May, Time ran a story about the "Twitterati" at the White House Correspondents' Dinner - including tweets from "McCain Advisor Martin Eisenstadt."

I got to meet Dan and Eitan after the whole story broke last December. I found them to be intelligent, thoughtful, and outrageously funny guys. So, knowing that they had a book coming out, I helped them out with some PR and satirical stories on them. Do I feel I crossed a line and made myself part of their story, thus destroying my journalism work on the pair? Absolutely not. In May 2008, I declared Eisenstadt as a hoax, and spent the next several months trying to warn bloggers and the media. So 18 months later, I feel confident I did my job. If you didn't know that Eisenstadt was a hoax, it wasn't a result of my lack of trying.

Today, their book - "I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man's (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans" - hits the book stores. I want to congratulate Dan and Eitan on their achievement. And thus far, the reviews have been fantastic:

"Essential reading for all political junkies." - Ken Silverstein, Harpers

"Consistently funny...I intend it as real praise when I say that 'I Am Martin Eisenstadt' is the best fake memoir of the campaign season." - Atlantic Monthly Sr. Editor Joshua Green in The Washington Monthly

"What Stephen Colbert is to Bill O'Reilly, Martin Eisenstadt is to countless political pundits. Hilarious...biting commentary on Washington, DC." - Jeremy Jacobs, Politics Magazine

And on CNN, Howard Kurtz talked up the pair and their book: