ARIZONA - Faced with a difficult primary challenge from J.D. Hayworth in his senatorial re-election bid, Sen. John McCain announced today that he's actually a vampire, like in the "Twilight" movies.

"Yeah, you kids love vampires, dontcha," said McCain, wearing a cape. "Well I'm a romantic, hunky, super-conservative vampire. Bella!!"

The announcement came as McCain struggled to identify with an increasingly conservative movement throughout his home state of Arizona. Earlier in the day, McCain called on the U.S. to send the National Guard in to defend the U.S.-Mexico border.

McCain's admissions and demands weren't done, however, as he demanded the U.S. scrap Social Security, Medicare and welfare. The long-time Senator also demanded that the entire nation privatize police and fire departments, while stating that Glenn Beck and militias were "The Awesome," and that Barack Obama was a Kenyan communist.

"Bella!" added McCain.

McCain later added that he knew how the TV show "Lost" would end, would audition for "American Idol" next year, world play point guard for Duke in the Final Four, that he was romantically linked to Kim Kardashian and had made a controversial sex tape with country singer Mindy McCready and baseball star Roger Clemens.

"Honestly, just tell me what you want, people, I'll be it," said McCain. "Bella!"

-WKW

BRAZIL - In a telephone interview, noted blogger William K. Wolfrum admitted to dominating Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele at a bondage club in Southern California.

"I just kept asking him why Republicans always talk about fiscal responsibility but whenever they govern they run up massive deficits," said Wolfrum, a one-time "Fly Girl" on the show In Living Color. "He had nothing to say. I totally dominated."

Wolfrum's admission comes after finance documents showed that the Republican National Committee spent nearly $2,000 recently at "a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex."

The report also showed that Steele spent tens of thousands of dollars at luxury hotels in Washington, Hawaii, Las Vegas, and Los Angeles, and the RNC spent $17,000 on chartered flights and $12,000 on limousines in February alone.

Wolfrum is the first to admit he was involved in the bondage club scene, stating that he worked part-time at the club because "blogging doesn't pay sh*t."

While Wolfrum stated that most of the domination came via political discussion, he added that there were far kinkier methods deployed that evening.

"Chairman Steele and I went into a back room where he had me call him 'Kucinich' and asked me to throw pages of the "Communist Manifesto' at him," said Wolfrum, who is currently dating popular DJ Samantha Ronson. "It was a kinky scene and $2,000 well spent, if you ask me."

When reached for comment, an RNC spokesperson adamantly denied that Steele was the party who spent the money at the club and says Steele strongly disavows such actions. Nonetheless, more questions have arisen due to a new tattoo across Steele's chest that reads "Call me a Commie and make me spend donor funds."

-WKW

FLORIDA - Entering an already crowded field of contenders, golfer Tiger Woods today announced that he will be running for the U.S. Senate Seat in Florida.

"Responsibility," said Woods. "Dignity."

Woods will have his work cut out for him, as pretend-heterosexual Charlie Crist and pretend-fiscal conservative Marco Rubio have already been campaigning for some time.

Still, many Republican politicians believe that Woods could quickly become a star in the GOP, and that his recent admissions of repeated marital infidelities showcase that he is a true "Reagan Republican."

"Tiger Woods is our Barack Obama," said serial adulterer Newt Gingrich, the ex-Speaker of the House. "Where Obama stays married and loyal to his family, Tiger treats his marriage like a pit stop. Add to that he's running on a golf platform, as well, and you can see he's one of us."

For his part, Woods said he did not believe that his marital woes and high number of affairs should hurt his chances of winning the tough battle to come in Florida.

"Pride," said Woods. "Integrity."

Other Republican adulterers, including Sen. John McCain, Sen. David Vitter and Sen. John Ensign also were quick to praise Woods.

"I had to pay for mine, but Tiger's knocking back porn stars two at a time," said Vitter. "That really what a Republican is all about."

Ensign agreed, and said that Woods had one big advantage that would help him compete in the Senate.

"Let's face it, there's almost no way I'll be able to cuckold Tiger Woods," said Ensign. "Sure, I'll try, but how do you pay off Tiger?"

McCain stated that the way Woods has handled his personal turmoil has shown he is GOP material.

"The guy has had, what, 32 affairs or so?" said McCain, who also stated he believed adulterer and white-person fan Jesse James could be a viable Senatorial candidate. "Soon, though, people won't even remember he's a cheater. Just like me."

In the end, however, it comes down to Woods. Running on adultery platform could seem risky to some, but like in his golf career, he has shown himself adept at getting out of tough situations. Woods said his experiences with women and controversy make him the perfect Republican.

"Responsibility. Honor. Discipline," said Woods. "Patriotism. Victory."

-WKW

COSTA RICA - Calling it the "greatest threat our nation has ever faced," Costa Rican President Óscar Arias has announced that his country will re-institute the military in order to fend of an invasion by American entertainer Rush Limbaugh.

"We can sit back and wait to see if the U.S. passes health care reform, or we can act now," said Arias. "We don't want our answer to come in the form of a mushmouth cloud."

Arias was responding to recent comments from the entertainer, who said he would move to Costa Rica if health care reform passed in the United States.

"I don't know. I'll just tell you this, if this passes and it's five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented, I am leaving the country. I'll go to Costa Rica," said Limbaugh.

Arias said he would not allow his nation to suffer the same fate as the U.S. and called for every man, woman and child in the nation to join the military and guard the borders. Costa Rica has not had an active military since 1948.

"This is the greatest threat our democracy has ever faced," said Arias. "If Limbaugh gets in, then Glenn Beck, Michael Savage and Ann Coulter will surely follow. They travel in packs and share the same vision of world demolition.

"We cannot allow these weapons of mass distraction come and ruin our nation as they have worked so hard to do in America," added Arias.

-WKW

Liberal blogs are abuzz today about Sarah Palin's admission that her family crossed the border from Skagway, Alaska to Whitehorse in Canada to receive health care for her brother:

"My first five years of life we spent in Skagway, Alaska, right there by Whitehorse. Believe it or not - this was in the '60s - we used to hustle on over the border for health care that we would receive in Whitehorse. I remember my brother, he burned his ankle in some little kid accident thing and my parents had to put him on a train and rush him over to Whitehorse and I think, isn't that kind of ironic now. Zooming over the border, getting health care from Canada."

Now, while it's easy to spot the political stupidity of her bringing up this story, there does need to be a non-knee-jerk response to it. Mainly, the fact that her family was in Skagway. In the 1960s.

I actually spent a summer working as a reporter for the Skagway News. In the summer, with cruise ships pouring in, the population of the Southeastern town explodes to about 2,000. But the fact is, year-round, the population of Skagway is in the neighborhood of 800. It's not exactly a great place to spend your winters. Or to get health care for serious issues.

Skagway is a town with limited access, in or out. It's also not a place where it's likely they can handle severe burns. Maybe in 2010 they can, but it's almost a certainty that they couldn't in the 1960s. I'd be willing to wager that any major medical problem would end up being taken care of Whitehorse, which is by far the closest big city around.

Add to that the fact that Canada's Universal Health Care program wasn't truly in full effect until 1966 and that Palin's parents were likely charged for the medical visit..

So while mocking Palin is rightfully a national sport at this point, and the timing and content of her remark was politically stupid, it's really a non-starter. And poor political discourse.

Update: While the "Getting free health care in Canada" story is a non-starter, the Anchorage Daily News, among others, has noted that Palin originally told The Skagway News that her brother had been taken via ferry to Juneau.

Head to the crossposted version of this story at Dagblog, where you'll see comments from the editor of The Skagway News on this story.

-WKW

-WKW

WASHINGTON - Faced with waves of Republican pressure over the handling of the Khalid Sheik Mohammed trial, U.S. President Barack Obama has announced that he will personally shoot the terrorist mastermind in the head.

"Khalid Sheik Mohammed is evil incarnate, and he must be dealt with in a way that will protect our citizens,"said Obama. "Therefore, I will bi-partisanly blow his brains out myself."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President thought long and hard about his decision.

"Being that Khalid Sheik Mohammed is not a human, shooting him in the head is not against the law," said Gibbs.

The shooting will take place on April 1, and will be televised on the new C-Span Pay-per-view channel. The shooting will be followed by a mixed-martial arts battle between UFC Heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir.

"If you order 24 hours a head of time, you get $5 off," said Gibbs.

The White House has yet to say which type of gun they will use on Mohammed, though former presidential candidate John McCain advised using a "big-ass shotgun." McCain added that he had been confident that Obama would back down on civil liberty issues like the KSM trial, as it's been something he has done in the past.

"Finally, we're treating foreign criminals the way they should be treated," said former Vietnam hostage John McCain. "Soon, he'll back down on things like health care, as well."

-WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

A new video posted by an independent filmmaker posing as a samba dancer has surfaced depicting an ACORN staffer assisting a Black (known in this video as "Max") making unreasonable -- and possibly child prostitution-related -- requests.