You are standing in an oval office ....
Oval Office
You are standing in an oval office, in the west of the White House.
The office, usually tidy and well-maintained, is a jumble of packing boxes and burn bags. Shredded paper covers the floor where the wastebasket used to be, next to the desk.
Your good friend Dick Cheney is here.
> x desk
There is a calendar and clock set on the desk, a Presidential pen set, and a stack of forms.
> x clock
It is seven o'clock.
> x cal
Today is January 20, 2009.
> x forms
A stack of pardons for your very good friends, some of whom are currently facing criminal charges, and many more who have made it clear to you that they'd like to be able to travel to Europe sometime in the next twenty years without finding themselves rooming with a Serbian general.
> x pen
Your faithful friend. Many signing statements you and Pen have worked on.
> x dick
He is, isn't he?
> x cheney
As usual, your good friend Dick wears his perpetual scowl. Unusually, the scowl isn't directed at you. He appears to be disassembling a large, industrial-size shredder.
> ask dick about shredder
Dick mutters something about records maintenance before giving the device a solid kick.
> i
You have:
A quagmire (in Iraq)
A quagmire (in Afghanistan)
A chip (on your shoulder)
A bankrupt ideology
A broken economy
Approval ratings (currently reading 'VERY LOW')
> x quagmire
Which quagmire do you mean, the quagmire in Iraq or the quagmire in Afghanistan?
> afganisatn
I beg your pardon?
> afgahnistan
That's not a verb I recognize.
> x quagmire in afghanistan
I don't know why you want to examine that now. You haven't done that since 2001.
> x quagmire in iraq
It seems to be filled with intractable ethnoreligious conflicts, a history of suspicion towards Western nations, and interference by regional powers. Also: dead Americans.
> win iraq
Good luck with that.
> leave iraq
If only you could.
Dick snarls something at the shredder. You haven't heard language like that since the last time he visited the Senate.
> x economy
It's seriously broken. Every time you move it, it sheds thousands of jobs.
> fix economy
Fix economy with what?
> fix economy with iraq
Tried that. Didn't work.
> fix economy with cheney
Unfortunately, Halliburton has already declined your offer to sell the federal government to them.
> fix economy with chip
Swearing at the economy won't help.
> fix economy with ideology
You do not have the appropriate ideology to fix the economy with.
Your legacy feels more burdensome.
> i
You have:
A quagmire (in Iraq)
A quagmire (in Afghanistan)
A chip (on your shoulder)
A bankrupt ideology
A broken economy
Record deficits
Approval ratings (currently reading 'VERY LOW')
> x deficits
It appears to have come from your ideology.
> drop deficits
Try as you can, they don't want to let go.
> drop ideology
Too late for that, buddy.
> x shredder
It appears to be jammed with papers relating to Iraqi oil concessions, secret energy task forces, and authorizations for new interrogation methods. It just can't keep up with the load.
The clock beeps.
Barack Obama arrives.
A special prosecutor arrives.
> x barack
He doesn't appear to be carrying anything.
> get papers from shredder
Taken.
> get pardons from desk
Taken.
> turn on shredder
Freed of its burden, the shredder hums happily.
> place pardons in shredder
The shredder makes quick work of the pardon forms.
> put approval ratings in shredder
Some would say you did that a long time ago. Nonetheless, they're gone now.
> give ideology to cheney
He already has one.
> drop ideology
Done.
> give papers to prosecutor
He looks surprised.
> give quagmires to obama
(In Iraq) Done.
(In Afghanistan) Done.
> give economy to obama
Done.
> give deficits to obama
Done.
> x chip
You don't seem to have it any more. You're not very happy with yourself, but at least you're not going to blame anyone else for it.
> i
You have:
A dubious place in history
A ranch in Crawford
A house in Dallas
A notable lack of publisher interest in your memoirs
You have finished your last day in office.
Your final score is -5 out of 2920. This gives you the rank of "Miserable Failure."
QUIT, RESTORE, or RESTART?
> restart
Time doesn't work that way.
> restore
That's what we're hoping Obama is for.
> quit
About damn time.
C:\>
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Maybe one reader in five here is of an age and a level of geektitude to even understand the cultural reference, but I'm smiling. Thanks.
January 9, 2009 9:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
One reader in 5? This dribble is a "cultural" embarrassment as well as a infantile waste of time. One reader in five needs to grow up.
January 10, 2009 11:23 AM | Reply | Permalink
I missed this or could not understand it, like NCS says. I think I get a lot of it this morning.
But as I smile, I think of crying or throwing something.
Of course I recommend.
January 10, 2009 7:20 AM | Reply | Permalink
Where's the dwarf?
January 10, 2009 9:20 AM | Reply | Permalink
Donal, language is important.
They are 'Little People" now. 'Dwarf' is now considered a slur.
Dwarf is reserved as a term for planetary objects.
Or ideas. Newtonian concepts of gravity are dwarfed by new perspectives in an Einsteinian Universe.
Or flora. The dwarf oak is a sacred object among the Japanese.
Keep up, we are almost there.
I think what you were attempting to say was:
WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE OTHER MOTHERFUCKERS WHO DESTROYED THIS COUNTRY?
January 10, 2009 11:08 AM | Reply | Permalink
Those who destroyed the country? Well Roosevelt has been dead a long time,But Barney Frank, Bill Clinton and his ilk are still around and unfortunately, but temporarily, in a majority now
January 10, 2009 11:28 AM | Reply | Permalink
Now now Renaye. We are temporarily in the majority right now if you mean three or four decades to come.
Get used to it. It will lower the blood pressure.
January 10, 2009 11:32 AM | Reply | Permalink
24 months. And that's only technically. You're not going to believe what starts seeping out of that cesspool in Illinois. Remember Nixon's administration slowly being paralyzed? You're fixing to enjoy the sequel. Love it!!!
January 10, 2009 12:14 PM | Reply | Permalink
You wish.
January 10, 2009 12:31 PM | Reply | Permalink