#10. The elected head of your party national committee is a ... ummmmm .... uh ... well,  words fail us.  It's really an extremist talk show host who constantly screams he is not an extremist.

#9. There is incredible anticipation when the House and Senate Minority Leaders show up to speak, that is, at least whenever Dick Cheney is hunting in the area.

#8. You only speak in four commandments of two word each: "Cut taxes", "Free trade", "Less government",  and "Anti-abortion" (and sometimes you cannot count too well).

#7. You are the black swans of thought and speech, randomly selecting one of the four commandments for any occasion.

#6. Your beliefs are founded on rock solid convictions, except on Tuesday where the reverse is true, but firm again on Wednesday, not so much on Thursday, but very firm on Friday.  You also sponsor legislation that disputes the liberal notion that the sun rises in the east.

#5. The daughter of your 2008 presidential candidate calls your leaders a bunch of clueless, lame old men, and there is no effective rebuttal.

#4. Your party turned the 2008 presidential candidate into a clueless, lame old man with a mannequin in $180,000 worth of clothes.

#3. The mannequin attempts to string a "new" commandment together, but cannot come up with anything coherent, much less utter the existing four commandments in the proper word order.

#2. Your leading contender for the 2012 presidential race is the 2008 mannequin ... if someone will only bring it to your party event. 

And the number one reason you know you are a failing political party....

#1. You finally cleanse the party of the liberal sympathizers and can have uninterrupted conversations between the three of you.