BLUNDERDICK
Let me explain. The comparison of Dick Cheney to Darth Vader has always troubled me. In the comments section of a recent post titled Daily Science Fix-Dark Energy-Dark What? Thera suggested that dark energy may shed some light on Cheney the Darth.
I responded:
Darth Vader actually fought in battles, he was a warrior--Cheney ran from war. In fact, he received five, count them, five draft deferments during the Vietnam era. Admittedly, Vader and Cheney are both dark, foreboding and ruthless, but Cheney is such a chicken little by comparison. Sending others to die or spill their blood for you while you spend your life running and hiding from actual battle is especially lame. Cheney only experienced violence second or third hand; likely watching CIA torture tapes from inside the comfort of the fortified walls of the Pentagon. Let's give him a more suitable name.
To which she responded:
I give you naming rights, tpmgary. He's all yours!
To which I responded:
Hmm. Cheney-- out of shape, short man, what, 5'8 if that, feels big hunting quail, how tall are quail, 6 inches tops, not a fair fight at all there, Cheney has both the height and weight advantage, AND ON TOP OF THAT A 28-GAUGE SHOTGUN!! Talk about throwing a match--I mean, who would you put your money on? In this corner, weighing in at 225 pounds, wearing the bodylength bulletproof spandex, DICK CHENEY!!! And in this corner, 5 1/2 inches tall, wearing the mottled brown plumage...what kind of man picks a fight with something that tiny? AND LOSES!! He missed and shot his friend in the face for crying out loud!! Talk about a blunder. Wait, theme coming perhaps. Iraq was the biggest foreign policy blunder in U.S. history.
Two blunders.
Ladies and gentleman, I bring you BLUNDERDICK.
Thus, Blunderdick was born.
The misadventures of Blunderdick are well-chronicled.
Who but Blunderdick could mount a retaliation to the worst terrorist attack on American soil by going to war with the wrong country? Who but Blunderdick could have predicted that we'd be greeted as liberators? Who but Blunderdick could have assured us that we were in the last throes of the Iraq insurgency? In 2003? Who but Blunderdick could be informed of an August 2001 Presidential Daily Bulletin that said "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S." and continue vacationing in Wyoming?
Richard Cheney is not Darth Vader.
He was, is and always will be, Blunderdick.
The one and only.
Anyone have a story they'd like to contribute to The Misadventures of Blunderdick?
Great. Now you just need to find a cartoonist. A gallsy cartoonist.
May 12, 2009 12:26 PM | Reply | Permalink
my brother's a cartoonist. Maybe I should ask for a quick rendering.
May 12, 2009 3:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
Made the mistake again this morning of turning on my TV to MSNBC and Morning Joe.
There out of her own undisclosed hiding place was Dick Cheney's daughter Liz (isn't that her mother's name too?) out there on the vanguard of this latest Bush/Cheney public relations campaign trying to make here Dad look all human and all.
Should we call her Blunderdickless??
May 12, 2009 1:51 PM | Reply | Permalink
personally, I'd feel more comfortable leaving Blunderdick's family out of it-- as Dick is uniquely qualified to hold the Blunderdick title.
May 12, 2009 3:48 PM | Reply | Permalink
WVB,
How about BLUNDERC.... well you know. "Too Much"?
May 12, 2009 6:34 PM | Reply | Permalink
When we answered to the people, we heard nothing. When he belonged in an undisclosed location, he was everywhere. He is BlunderDick!
May 12, 2009 1:58 PM | Reply | Permalink
didn't answer to the people, wasn't a member of the Executive branch, wasn't a member of the legislative branch--an enigma wrapped in a riddle rapped in a Blunderdick haiku.
May 12, 2009 4:39 PM | Reply | Permalink
In a dark alley on a dark day the dark energy whirled. Blunderdick, shooter ala carte, was sucked into a vortex and only showed up years later on a TV news program all wrapped in white linen, as cold as the clay but still muttering something about torture. Pre-crimes had been banned. Singing riots broke out on the streets of Laredo. The news anchor swooned approval, liking the extraordinary rendition of the song:
Bang your drums lowly, and speak your life slowly
And sing your tune loudly it’s now a new day
And work for the democrats, and aim for the autocrats
Cause now that you’re gone we’ll get health, single pay.
(Okay…it might have just been a pipe-dream).
May 12, 2009 2:14 PM | Reply | Permalink
strato, I love these little ditties you come up with so quickly! :)
May 12, 2009 3:34 PM | Reply | Permalink
well-crafted, Strata, very visual, sweeping cadence, nice setup to a sinister Marvel-Comics- like tale. And a song of hope that has the arch nemesis, our crooked-smiled Blunderdick, stirring, percolating with uncontainable contempt--snarling, mumbling, his tightly clenched body closes like a shell around him-- safely and tightly curled inside this elliptical cloak of invisibility, his Blundershell jets out over the dark seas, and then rockets downward to the depths of the unknown, undisclosed location of Blunderworld. Humanity waits, counting the days until Blunderdick suddenly ascends with twisted thick fisted revenge.
May 12, 2009 4:31 PM | Reply | Permalink
You have the makings of a series here! :)
May 12, 2009 4:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
Fists flying, Blunderdick tries to exit Blunderworld. He slams up against two furious enemy combatants who were earlier identified as old ladies at the airport. Although tightly bound he wiggles out of their grasp and runs to the nearest gate and does the re-pub crawl through the Sunday talk shows. “Am I the only republican left like me?” he smirks in anguish. “There may be others in hiding,” say the ladies who get a Rush from watching him wiggle. “I am not a coward!” he cries. He scans for the door but instead falls into a bin of wildflowers and is then delivered to the Department of delayed Justice via a blog on the internet. The ladies giggle. What no exit strategy?
May 12, 2009 6:03 PM | Reply | Permalink
of course no exit strategy:) My how Blunderdick hath earned his name. Now plotting his escape from the Department of Delayed Justice.
Great Strata.
May 12, 2009 6:29 PM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks for the blog Gary. It was a cool idea!
Your thread is inspiring, really fun.
We'll have to read the news to find the swinging doors out of Blunderdick’s hell...
May 12, 2009 7:20 PM | Reply | Permalink
I think if you and tpmgary each taking a turn writing chapters or alternate paragraphs, or perhaps sentences... this has the makings of a best seller! But act quickly before your hero is behind bars. On the other hand....
May 12, 2009 7:03 PM | Reply | Permalink
The only bars that can contain Blunderdick
only serve wild turkeys.
May 12, 2009 8:16 PM | Reply | Permalink
It's a wild turkey, shoot!
Drink a shot!
Take a shot!
Drink a shot!
Take a shot!
Drink...drink...drink.
May 13, 2009 11:12 AM | Reply | Permalink
I think it's a cute term, but you seem to be mixing up Rumsfeld with Cheney as I understand the history of the initiative.
There were good and bad reasons for removing Saddam from power. Bush&Co consistently emphasized the bad ones, and basically lied to Congress and the public to make the bad reasons and methods seem okay.
May 12, 2009 2:57 PM | Reply | Permalink
Well Done, tpmgary!!!!
Thanks for putting this up! :)
May 12, 2009 3:33 PM | Reply | Permalink
Can't...stop...laughing!!!
May 12, 2009 4:45 PM | Reply | Permalink
hahah. Gary. See anger can bring some of us to new heights. Keep it up.
May 12, 2009 4:54 PM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks DD, yes, anger can be a potent fuel. Personally, I'm a hybrid, so I run on a blend of sorts-- anger, fear, joy, absurdity, wonder, and a nice Shiraz Amaroo 2006, New South Wales Australia.
Now Blunderdick, he's different. What drives his engine? What life force must he feed on every quarter moon? What, prae tell, rapidly depleting natural resource crave he, you ask?
There are some things man cannot know, my friend. Mysteries embedded in fallen stardust deep below the ocean, scattered across the cold vast plains of Blunderworld.
May 12, 2009 6:17 PM | Reply | Permalink
tpmg,
Rec'd Just for the title it is PERFECT.
May 12, 2009 6:32 PM | Reply | Permalink
Only a blunderdick.
Blunderdick showed up for his monthly exercise of shooting captive quail in a barrel, and proceeded to unload both barrels into the face of a "friend"
Blunderdick, strikes again.
=D
May 12, 2009 7:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
shooting captive quail in a barrel, there stood Blunderdick, in full camouflage--absurdly superfluous but it helped Blunderdick with his slight confidence problem.
May 12, 2009 8:13 PM | Reply | Permalink
=D
I
can't
breathe
May 12, 2009 9:06 PM | Reply | Permalink
Okay. Henceforth, Cheney is Blunderdick! Who is his sidekick? Widdledub?
:o)
May 12, 2009 8:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
I love that! widdledub!
May 12, 2009 8:47 PM | Reply | Permalink
(falling over clutching sides)
May 12, 2009 9:10 PM | Reply | Permalink
widdledub, wait, where did that come from? Oh, forgot to look upstream at Flowerchild's comment.
That's so perfect, Flowerchild!!
Blunderdick paced back and forth, mumbling, scheming to himself, as widdledub, his trusty little 5 inch sidekick with a short red cape followed closely behind, panting his perpetual snicker "yeah boss yeah yeah boss yeah, yeah boss yeah
May 12, 2009 9:53 PM | Reply | Permalink
5 INCH!
ACK!!!!
May 12, 2009 11:10 PM | Reply | Permalink
After nearly a four-month absence, Blunderdick revealed that he had not died after all. Grabbing his gun and morphing back into Dr. Strangelove, he mounted his news cycle and crashed right through the door of an extremely effective TV program called “Face the Notion”. Unwinding the damning torture tapes, he could only spew an oxymoron or two about the “virtues of murder.” The anchor explained that the tapes were not being destroyed solely to conceal the truth concerning Blunderdick’s minor hiatus of OLC conscience. Widdledub winked through the secret camera into Blunder’s earphone. Remember boss, weebles wobble but they don’t fall down, heh heh.”
By the time his public opinion was re-aired, Blunderdick was willing to be interrogated with enhanced techniques by the DODJ officials. “I lurned 7% of it from nikksun myself”, he laughed. “But you have no reasons to attack ME. The heart of interview was revealed when TheraP was introduced by Dr. Freud to begin the questioning. If you’re heading for the truth commission, you might ask Colin Powell about my character flaws”, he begged, while TheraP started the hypnosis sessions and civil libertarians wrote memos in the distance.
May 12, 2009 11:07 PM | Reply | Permalink
must rest my weary head, strata, thanks for making this so much fun.
More misadventures await Blunderdick. Onward and well, just onward for Blunderdick.
May 12, 2009 11:30 PM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks Gary. I’m really worn-out, clichéd and hackneyed.
But tomorrow’s another day.
Really funny blog & comments. g'night.
May 12, 2009 11:48 PM | Reply | Permalink
Honestly, I'm really begging the two of you to continue this saga.
Pretty please!
May 13, 2009 5:00 AM | Reply | Permalink
I guess the friend who got the face shot committed a blunderduck.
May 12, 2009 8:30 PM | Reply | Permalink
Blunderduck!!!
stoppit stoppit!!
May 12, 2009 9:09 PM | Reply | Permalink
Blunderduck will HAVE to enter the Urban Dictionary. So good.
May 12, 2009 10:19 PM | Reply | Permalink
Blunderdick's theme music maybe?
May 12, 2009 9:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
=D
Guns and Roses? Well, OK then
May 12, 2009 11:11 PM | Reply | Permalink
Aerosmith actually...but G 'n R works too, or maybe some L.A. Guns.
8)
For some reason whenever I hear this song I think of Blunderdick.
May 12, 2009 11:26 PM | Reply | Permalink
Sorry
(blushes)
I'd agree but the politician in that vid makes me think of Joe Biden
ACK!
May 12, 2009 11:31 PM | Reply | Permalink
No problem Bwak...I am just a music junkie so I don't expect anyone else to share my affliction, lol.
Yeah, it does kinda remind me of Joe in terms of physical resemblance.
=D
May 12, 2009 11:38 PM | Reply | Permalink
Hey!!! It cut-off part of my reply!!! I went on to say but it was recorded in the late 80's or early 90's so I don't think Dave Mustaine had Joe in mind...
Why did it cut-off part of my reply? :(
May 12, 2009 11:41 PM | Reply | Permalink
er, usually it's user error, just sayin'
=D
That or some deep dark conspiracy...
May 13, 2009 7:58 AM | Reply | Permalink
Hehehe...not you too, lol.
Conspiracy, no. Site glitch, yes.
=D
May 13, 2009 9:05 AM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks for the great laugh tpmgary. What a great end to my day!
May 12, 2009 10:21 PM | Reply | Permalink
I know that I am late to this exceptional creative saga, but after reading all this I am truly inspired and want to play too.
I have heard rumored from undisclosed sources with a certain marketing department that Blunderdick's many recent media appearances are part of an elaborate marketing campaign. The story goes like this:
Blunderdick, as we all know, had a number of problems with his implanted mechanical heart. One of the unfortunate side effects was ED (you know Erectile Dysfunction). The shame of this drove him into hiding in undisclosed locations for much of his eight years in office.
According to my undisclosed inside source, upon leaving office Blunderdick was approached with a very lucrative contract for promoting their pharmaceutical for correcting ED. He was to go on a "manly," "macho," "tough guy," media blitz. The clips from these appearances would be interwoven into his formerly brief and terse statements in absentia to create a series of ED commercials (for each of which Blunderdick is guaranteed 25% royalties). The theme of this campaign is how the "medication" enhances not just your sex life, but how it can make YOU into a Blunderdick!
May 12, 2009 11:12 PM | Reply | Permalink
never too late to spin a Blunderdick tale, Rowan. Thanks for the contribution!
May 12, 2009 11:26 PM | Reply | Permalink
My pleasure. What you offered was to tempting and too fun to resist. Thanks for lightening my day (and all the folks who participated)!
May 12, 2009 11:31 PM | Reply | Permalink
Hilarious! It captures the idiocy of the man (could never understand how people like Cheney or Rove were revered as genius or even large-brained mammals).
I've always imagined he was descended from Lon Chaney but couldn't spell his own name. Never settled on what characteristics he inherited most- Hunchback, Wolfman, Phantom of the Opera or just The Monster.
May 12, 2009 11:40 PM | Reply | Permalink
A diabolical marriage of all.........
May 13, 2009 8:01 AM | Reply | Permalink
oh, what a great thought about cartoonist it is really amazing keep it up to all.
abiton
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May 13, 2009 2:27 AM | Reply | Permalink
Let me congratulate everyone on one of the most enjoyable blogs ever! :)
May 13, 2009 5:08 AM | Reply | Permalink
I missed this. How terrible is that? But how wonderful to have discovered it. Thanks to everyone.
May 23, 2009 1:05 AM | Reply | Permalink