Blunderdick delivered his speech to the American Enterprise Institute yesterday, but it didn't all go as planned. Right before he got on stage, he had the teleprompter arrested and sent to Guantanamo for questioning. People in the audience were in utter disbelief-- a look of genuine concern descended upon everyone in the room. As a gesture of reassurance, Blunderdick reached in his pocket, pulled out seven index cards, held them up and said "No need to worry folks, I got it all written down".

This must have been on his Pentagon list of "what if" scenarios.

Armed with the quiet confidence of a man who just foiled an inanimate object's sinister plot to destroy the world, Blunderdick stood behind the lectern and began his address. He had a very captive audience-- all naked, hooded, shackled to the seats and wearing leg-irons. There was a lot of love in that room.

Blunderdick talked about how ready he was to lead on day 1. He was referring, of course, to the first day he took office as Vice President of the United States of America--September 12, 2001. (Some may remember a different day 1, which took place on January 20, 2001. While there exists footage of Blunderdick being sworn in on this day 1, he categorically denies the existence of January 20, 2001.)

Blunderdick would refer to his index cards often. You may have also noticed that when he speaks, it looks like he talks out of the side of his mouth. Don't be misled. He talks out of a completely different part of his body. I know. I know. It's deceiving because his upper lip opens crookedly, up and to the left as he speaks, then it snaps shut when he's finished. That's just a nervous tick; the result of an unfortunate snorkeling incident in the Bering sea. He was underwater, yelling at a very puzzled orca, when he noticed a piece of floating hamburger and chomped down on it, not realizing it was bait on a hook. Blunderdick was tugged all the way up to the surface. Imagine that. How does an orca even begin to process such an odd encounter?

Regarding national security, Blunderdick has had to walk back a few things he's said in the past, no need for me to repeat them all here, be captured, thrown in a secret Egyptian black ops prison and forced to share a 4'x4' cell with some vengeful hardened teleprompter.

Striking a lighter note during the speech, Blunderdick reminisced about some of the people he's met on the world stage throughout his years in public office. He shared charming anecdotes about some of his favorite conversation starters- water boarding, electrocution, eye-gouging, testicle-vicing, and others.

Before you knew it, Blunderdick had completed his remarks, the trap door beneath him opened, and he was instantly sucked 700 miles downward via the secret vacuum tunnel that bends space and opens a portal to his undisclosed location on Pluto.

The speech couldn't have lasted more than 20 minutes. I say it couldn't have lasted more than 20 minutes because Blunderdick can't include 99% of the things he did during his Vice Presidency.

Because 99% of the things he did was an unmitigated disaster.  Why harp on it in a speech?

Look to the future and let others like me dwell on your past:

Let's say you were handed one of the most critical pieces of intelligence in the history of America--that Bin Laden was determined to fly planes into buildings in major U.S. cities--how could you possibly extrapolate that Bin Laden was determined to fly planes into buildings in major U.S. Cities? The fact is that after 9/11, Blunderdick sprung into action. Singing here-I-come-to-save-the-day, he exacted revenge by invaded the wrong country, plunged our country into endless war, redacted most of the constitution, helped inspire the slowest response to a natural disaster in modern history, ushered in an unprecedented era of corporate corruption with no oversight whatsoever, sent the U.S. economy into a downward spiral, causing the insolvency of major banks, and, having crafted the least visionary energy policy for the 21^st century--helped bankrupt the entire American Auto industry.

Everyone has tiny missteps, right?  

Make enough of them and you can collect your award for the most incompetent Vice President in the galaxy, get invited to the American Enterprise Institute, and deliver your acceptance speech.

Just like Blunderdick did yesterday.