By virtue of the moral authority conferred upon me by Destor (and ratified by TPM Cafe regulars), I write this Open Letter to Catholic Bishops:

Take a Lesson from Brother Pierre


Brother Pierre is a true shepherd, someone I have known for 35 years, though we've rarely spoken.  I've always respected his contemplative silence, yet I feel I know him well enough to commend him to you as an example of how to be a good shepherd:

Brother Pierre is not ordained.  He's never given a sermon.  Unless you count the way he's lived his life.  So far as I know he has no shepherd's staff, no visible authority.  But you can learn all you need to know from the photo above and one more below. 

Look long and carefully at this photo.  Look at it like Sister Wendy looks at art:  Set aside your ego and allow the photo to speak with its own integrity to your innermost heart. 

Notice how he interacts with the sheep.  You can see he loves them.  He doesn't lord it over them.  He reaches out to gently hold the lamb.  He looks the sheep right in the eye - because he's kneeling down.  Among them.  You can see the adult sheep trusts him with her lamb.  You can see he's prepared to "feed her lamb".  The sheep listens attentively - for she trusts him.  And he speaks her language.  Like St. Francis.  His tone of voice and his Presence carry the message.
 


Like David, another shepherd before him, he also plays the harp and sings psalms.

I wish you could hear him play:  "Like the deer that yearns for running streams / So my heart yearns for you, my God."

Mount Savior Monastery saved my soul.  But right now you Bishops are breaking my heart:

You, who seem ever ready to excuse and hide the crimes of "your own" and all too eager to caste stones at the flock.   Instead of showing love and a place at the table, you have forfeited your moral authority.

You're trying to regain that.  But you're going about it in exactly the wrong way.  You're trying to impose your will on people - people who have every right to question that will - tarnished as it is by your flagrant hypocrisy over decades, even centuries, of covering up for predatory shepherds. 

Let me give you a piece of advice as a former teacher of young children and therapist who has worked with many victims of abuse:  You can only exercise authority if you first establish relationships of love.  Unless your flock sees the true face of love (what Paul called, "the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ") you have lost them.  And once even children experience "discipline" lacking in love, they become traumatized, gun-shy, mistrustful - and you have lost them. 

You have lost your trustful flock just as surely as you have lost your moral authority.  And don't be fooled by the sycophants!

There is really only one way to regain trust and moral authority - IF that is still possible.  And that is the way of changing your own hearts and minds.  Changing your tune.  Changing your behavior, your tone of voice, your habit of looking down on people.  Learning instead, from Brother Pierre,  to kneel and look them in the eye.  One by one.  With compassion.  Seeking forgiveness.  Learning to serve and not be served.

Go out among the poor.  Go out barefoot and in rags.  Or make it sandals and one set of plain clothes.  Make it your task to listen.  To love each person you meet.  Recognize your common humanity with each, especially with each suffering soul.  Hear the suffering hidden in each heart.  See the yearning.  Don't preach.  Let your veneration for their suffering be your healing balm.  Your listening heart.  Look with eyes of compassion - devoid of judgment.  Forgive everyone you come across.  Without asking any questions.

And when you can do this - then and only then - might there be a hope of regaining the lost trust, the lost respect of those whom you have betrayed.  Failing that, all you have to offer will sound as empty platitudes, no more than a musical instrument completely out of tune.  Harsh.  Discordant.  Annoying.

Freedom of Conscience and Separation of Church and State.  That's what's at stake, as never before.

First the Good News:  US nuns, being investigated by what used to be called the Office of Inquisition, have decided to pursue a "non-violent" passive-resistance, akin to the practices of Ghandi and Martin Luthor King, in responding to the investigation.   99% of the orders in question have decided not to fill in the questionnaire, or otherwise comply with upcoming "visitations" by a Vatican-picked nun and her minions.  Told to send back an intrusive and implicitly accusatory questionnaire by Nov. 20, they just sent polite letters along with the "constitutions" they live by (long ago signed off on by the Vatican!) and in some cases partly filled some answers.

"There's been almost universal resistance," said one women religious familiar with the responses compiled by the congregation leaders. "We are saying 'enough!' In my 40 years in religious life I have never seen such unanimity."

You can read the whole story here.  And don't miss the comment thread!  This united action is hugely significant.  As the sisters are nearly universally loved and respected, in stark contrast to the all male clerical hierarchy.  The nuns have staked out a position in conscience.  And it's a joy to behold!

Now the bad news. Or maybe you could call it: Forewarned is forearmed!  With the increased scrutiny of the Roman Catholic Church of late comes this interesting information, which all should be aware of (just in case you end up in a Catholic hospital or nursing home or other Catholic healthcare facility.  EVER!).

From the USA Bishops Conference  Ethical and Religious Directives for Catholic Health Care Services, revised below:

"In principle, there is an obligation to provide patients with food and water, including medically assisted nutrition and hydration for those who cannot take food orally. This obligation extends to patients in chronic and presumably irreversible conditions (e.g., the "persistent vegetative state") who can reasonably be expected to live indefinitely if given such care. Medically assisted nutrition and hydration become morally optional when they cannot reasonably be expected to prolong life or when they would be "excessively burdensome for the patient or (would) cause significant physical discomfort, for example resulting from complications in the use of the means employed." For instance, as a patient draws close to inevitable death from an underlying progressive and fatal condition, certain measures to provide nutrition and hydration may become excessively burdensome and therefore not obligatory in light of their very limited ability to prolong life or provide comfort."  (revised #58)  [Emphasis mine]

However couple that with this stunning principle:

"The free and informed judgment made by a competent adult patient concerning the use or withdrawal of life-sustaining procedures should always be respected and normally complied with, unless it is contrary to Catholic moral teaching." (#59) [Emphasis mine]

Since the implementation of #58 depends not on the patient's free and informed judgment (i.e, advanced directives or direct communication) but on a determination of whether or not death is imminent, if you are in a Catholic facility your decision-making ability will not be respected if you are in a vegetative state, when it comes to even things like artificial hydration or a feeding tube - unless they deem you to be dying right now.  Mind you, when you're "dying right now" you're "out of it" and thus your conscience is not really being respected at all - it's just a pretense.  In a Catholic facility they'll do all the deciding for you, via Catholic moral teaching, thank you very much.

Bit of advice:  Add to your advanced directive a clause that you desire to be in a facility where they respect the directive!

The really bad news is that some communities have no option other than a Catholic hospital!

Now you may be asking yourself, how can the Catholic Church presume to make decisions for Catholics and non-Catholics alike?  How can a legal document, like an advanced directive, be over-ruled by the Vatican?  (Yes, it's the US bishops, but we've been around this block before.)  Well, apparently some of this has been going on since Terri Schaivo.  In Catholic health care facilities.  And no one noticed, perhaps, till just now.  No one noticed this till many began to notice and question the other intrusions that the Catholic Church is making into the political sphere, trying to dictate law and the votes of legislators.  

As the sisters have said:  "Enough is enough!"   So the good news is very, very good! 

The Catholic Church has gotten itself into such a jam!

I was initially going to call this post:  Wolves in Shepherd's Clothing.  As I intended to lay out a psychodynamic analysis of enforced celibacy within the Catholic Church.  But as I read and pondered and analyzed, I came to see a multitude of ethical, moral and yes, even spiritual dilemmas.  All because of enforced celibacy and the mixed-up muddle it's created around it.

Let me begin with a couple of metaphors which came to me:

Kafka's Metamorphosis - the story of a man who wakes up one morning as a cockroach.

The Emperor's New Clothes - the story of a deluded man who paraded naked, with only a child to speak up and question the received wisdom:  But he isn't wearing anything!

I hate to be the one to say it.  But I believe these two images are apt descriptions of some things happening - right now - in the Catholic Church.

So why am I wasting your time on a church that so many good folks right here at the Cafe have left?  Because this entity, the Catholic Church, which claims a moral right to dictate doctrine and behavior, is an actual member of the UN, claiming status as a State (Vatican City), and is meddling more and more in the internal affairs and politics of other nations.  Also, as a moral beacon (that to which it aspires), it has been sadly lacking in an ability to analyze the ethics (dare I say, morality?) of its own prelates and clergy - all the while intruding on the bedrooms of people everywhere.

Before I get back to my images, let me draw your attention to something I came across in a wonderful little pamphlet on The Way of Humility:

The risk clearly grows when one theorizes about humility without having any authentic experience of it.  As Pseudo-Macarius noted:  Christianity runs the risk of getting carried away bit by bit beyond its limits so that it will end up having the same significance as atheism.
                           [Andre Louf quoting a 4th century spiritual guide]

Sometimes people can get into such a pickle, when they make one wrong turn and, instead of turning back, spend centuries justifying it, denying it's not working, and trying to impose analogous wrong turns on everybody else.  That's what we have here, folks!

Instead of acknowledging a mistake - enforced clerical celibacy - we have a Metamorphosis - something akin to a gigantic beetle sitting atop a decaying caste system, where supposedly celibate men - without any authentic experience (see Andre Louf above) - are theorizing about sexual relationships.  And mind you, those prelates who secretly have sex are doing so in an abusive, exploitative manner, betraying the very ideals they subscribe to, as well as the people they pretend to "love".   So, a Metamorphosis.  A cancerous deformation.  And on top of that - cloaked in fancy clothes!  Indeed, the opposite of the Emperor in the story.  For the clothes are real.  But underneath the miter, the gold brocade, the fancy slippers?  Well, you tell me!

I feel badly writing all this.  Honestly!  But it must be said.  Honestly.

I see a bunch of problems here.  So many problems it's hard to disentangle them.  All traced back to enforced celibacy.  The first thing is to create a kind of caste system.  Clergy are somehow elevated - "pure" souls who have "overcome" sexual desire.  Well.... good luck with that one!  (As Mr. TheraP says succinctly:  "They're going against nature!")  If someone is called to celibacy, fine.  But that is within the monastic tradition, where humility is practiced.  And you'll never see an authentic monk whose demeanor suggests a a different caste from you.

The biggest problem with the caste system is that "holy celibates" - in particular the ones with the fanciest clothes - have deemed themselves the guardians of all "teaching" - whether they have authentic experience (see Andre Louf above) or not.  Not only that, like the Old Testament Book of Leviticus, you have a purity system going.  Where those who are supposedly most pure - the men in the lavish dresses - are denying to the non-clergy even freedom of conscience - with regard to behavior which the lavishly dressed profess not to do.

Instead of analyzing the ethics of all love relationships, including their own, we have a bunch of well-heeled prelates dictating a kind of celibacy even to the married.  Expecting them not to use birth control and so on.  (Except for those women the priests have sex with, of course.)  And dictating celibacy to gay people!  (Except for those gay people the priests have sex with, of course.)  See what I mean?  One wrong turn!  And so many problems!

Two more ideas came to me:

Stanley Milgram's Obedience to Authority - a study of how someone dressed in a lab coat can induce ordinary people to subject others to what they believe is excruciating abuse.

Phillip Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment - where ordinary students, dubbed the guards, quickly began to abuse other students, dubbed the prisoners, as a byproduct of enforcing discipline in an "experimental prison" study.

Do you notice the caste system at work in both these images?  Someone wearing different clothing can get ordinary people to follow their commands.  And placing someone in the "role of authority" can induce ordinary people bit by bit (see Pseudo-Macarius above) to abuse others, deemed to be a lower caste.

Compare these images to the Roman Catholic Church's ostracism of gay people and to their commands about sexual behavior in people's bedrooms.  (Unless of course it pertains to the clergy.  Where the caste system allows those in "different clothing" a different "ethic" - so long as it's kept secret, of course!)

See what I mean?

You have the priestly caste and the leper caste.  And there's one more thing I want to bring into this.  Something spiritual.  But something which plays a very important role in this dysfunctional system, all derived from enforced celibacy and the resulting caste system.  One of the biggest problems that results was clarified for me in that little pamphlet I mentioned above:  The Way of Humility.   The demand that someone meet a standard of perfection, complete celibacy, in the context of following a spiritual path leads to two traps:  the vice of "pride" or "vanity" if one succeeds (a caste above!), on the one hand; or a "fall" from grace, on the other hand.  In order to arrive at humility, according to the ascetics like Pseudo-Macarius, one needs to fall, over and over again.  And to admit that.  And repent. And change one's behavior.  Thus, losing any pretense to be "better than" or  a caste above.

But when priests fall, they hurt others.  Unless they leave the priesthood.  They expect the one they profess to "love" to keep the relationship secret.  They expect the "beloved" to play second fiddle to their marriage to the church.  They deny their love relationship.  They deny their love partner.  They deny their own children.  All the while playing the "pure" shepherd - and pretending to lead the sheep.  Whether it's a gay relationship or a straight relationship, it's hypocrisy.  It's living a lie.

It's not the sex that's wrong.  It's the treatment of the other that is wrong.  Catholic priests who engage in sexual relationships, all the while staying in the priesthood, are exploiting and abusing the honest, caring feelings of other people.  Their flocks.  And the ones they secretly love.  This latter betrayal is not usually clear to those whom they love - often not for many years.  The beloved may feel "special," raised up to a high caste, but eventually it takes a terrible toll.  For the one who wants to "love a Catholic priest" must do all the sacrificing.  The priest's role comes first.  There is never any "union" of two lives.  The kind of self-sacrifice and equality that should be part of any "marriage" (whether actual marriage or simply a partnership of long years) will never come about.  One party has dictated the terms of the relationship. And that is what abuse means.  That is abuse of authority.   That is exploitation.

Anyone in such a relationship is in denial if they fail to see they're being exploited.  I have compassion for their plight.  I have tremendous compassion for those laboring under enforced celibacy.  But if you fall in love with someone and want to have an honest sexual relationship, which is not exploitative, by all means, leave your marriage first, leave your priesthood first.  And if you refuse to do so, I cannot condone the behavior.

............................................

Update:

I have just come to an awful conclusion.  The very same neocon principles, derived from Leo Strauss, which I summarized here would appear to be very similar to what we see flowing from within the Vatican, and dispersed to the "elite" upper caste prelates and clergy.  I've reposted the list of these principles below:

Straussian/Neocon "Principles" 101 - (TheraP's cliff notes version):

1. Noble Lies (lies/secrecy as "virtue" - > 4,10,13)
   
2. Perpetual War (war as "virtue" -> 5, 6, 8, 13)
   
3. Fear of the masses and democracy (-> 4, 9)
   
4. Government by an elite (covert rule of "the wise" -> 1,10)
   
5. Instilling a sense of superiority in a nation (-> 8, 13)
   
6. Stability/Unity via FEAR of an external threat (->13)
   
7. Exploiting moral issues/religion's hold on the people (->1,13)
   
8. National survival - supersedes the well-being of others (->2,5)
   
9. Contempt for dissenters (->10,13)
   
10. Those in power make the rules and call it justice (->1,13)
    
11. Combination of religion and nationalism (->7,13)
    
12. Fear - greatest ally of tyranny (->1,6,13)
    
13. Manipulate the images (media, based on idea of Plato's cave)

[Synopsis above taken from the following sources:  Shadia Drury, Brad deLong, Karen Kwiatkowski, Don Swift, Jeffrey Steinberg, and  Danny Postel, who includes an extensive bibliography and interview with Shadia Drury, the Strauss expert.]  (see original post for more info on these experts)

So we have the "marriage" of the right-wing and the Catholic Church.  No surprise that.  But the coincidences with C-Street, The Family, Machiavellian plotting and even the Germanic origin of the pope and Leo Strauss give me great pause here.  (Again, see the original post for more.)

Robert died yesterday afternoon.  Robert was gay.  He lived right behind us.

I find it strangely moving that yesterday was also the day that the last, huge, piles of leaves were collected:  The last Autumn leaves.  Pushed into gigantic piles.  Overnight, just the day before.  Collected yesterday - just hours before Robert's passing.

Yesterday afternoon at 3:00, Robert's life was "collected" by his Maker.  Now he's free.  And the most amazing thing happened.  I say amazing because such a thing has never happened in the neighborhood before.

Last night, the doorbell rang.  It was a young man, house-husband, who lives across from Robert.  He takes care of the children while is wife works.  He'd come in the darkness to our doorstep.  To tell us that Robert had died.  He'd just come from talking to Steve, Robert's partner.  I don't know if he went around to other houses.  But nothing like this has ever happened before.

Later on the phone rang.  It was the old lady who lives next to Robert.  She's a widow.  A few months back she had phoned to ask us how Robert was doing, as the ambulances had come and taken him back to the hospital.  This time she phoned to tell us that Robert had died.  She had learned this.  And felt moved to call us.  Nothing like this has ever happened before.

I want you to understand:  I hardly know these people!  But I did know Robert. 

Robert lived just behind us for a number of years.  Maybe as many as 15.  Steve came to live with him at a certain point.  We'd known he was gay before Steve arrived.  Robert loved gardening.  He loved flowers.  He loved his cats.  And he loved Steve. 

We also have a couple of lesbian couples in the neighborhood.  Quiet people.  Probably 4 doors down on either side - across the street.  Quiet people.  Families, just like everyone else.

Now here's the thing:  You'd think that if such loving and stable relationships were a "bad influence" - then bad things would be happening in the neighborhood.  Just the opposite!  Young couples have moved in and are having babies like crazy.  Many people keep going to church.   Even sending their kids to parochial schools.  Public schools too.  Others just live lives of quiet virtue.  There's a pretty active neighborhood association.  There's a lot of getting together and caring going on.  So much caring that Robert's death is being marked as no other event I can recall in the neighborhood.

So where is the bad stuff that opponents of gay marriage keep predicting?  That's what's puzzling me:  How come so much good is in evidence?

...............................................

I have a scientific side to me.  If this were an experiment, you'd be looking for the evidence.  You'd set up a hypothesis - to prove or disprove.  Please... where is the evidence of gay wrong-doing?  Where is the evidence of any harm at all?

All I see is evidence that disproves what the fundies and the arch-conservatives are telling us.  (Sure enough!  Another phone call...)

Puzzlement!

Suppose a foreign entity were threatening and intimidating and all but extorting obedience from elected representatives?  Or at least attempting to extort obedience.  Well, it's happening both here and in Spain!  And if it's happening in two countries, I cannot but suspect that it's happening in more!

Let me present the evidence.  And the implications of this.  For it seems to me it is an attempt by a foreign entity to subvert the sovereignty of nations through attempting to control the votes of duly elected leaders.  See here and here.

The Vatican is on the march.  Bishops are falling into line.  The same folks who are responsible for this are busy trying to influence laws related to sexuality.  Bishops are likely busy currying favor in hopes of becoming cardinals ("princes of the church"). 

Consider that in the Roman Catholic Church it is the pope who appoints bishops and cardinals.  And cardinals are the ones who get to select a pope.  It's a self-promoting system, whereby those in power choose who gets to share in any power.  All "canon law" is made by, you guessed it, persons appointed by Vatican power-brokers!  And one of these canon laws, it turns out, obliges Roman Catholics to carry out the "teachings" of those in power!  And to "accept [them] with docility".  See here.  This apparently includes duly elected representatives in nations which live by the Rule of Law and profess freedom of conscience to their citizens.

Our Congressional Legislators swear allegiance to the Constitution of the United States.  Our Constitution guarantees freedom or religion and separation between church and state.  But the Vatican, through its lackeys in the form of bishops and cardinals, is seeking to subvert the legal process by threatening "excommunication" from their church - if the duly elected, sworn to the Constitution, representatives fail to carry out the orders of the Vatican.

I don't know about you.  But when I see this popping up in more than one country, it begins to look as if the pope is once again blundering into territory which will backfire.

Since the Roman Catholic Church views any dissent as somewhat akin to apostasy, I would not be surprised that some who may comment here will try to brand me as a heretic and an atheist or worse.  Hogwash, I say!  Such attacks do nothing to explain the hypocritical and frankly unAmerican behavior being shown by "princes" to a foreign entity - no matter how fancy their princely clothes!

Update:

Here's another take on the "Eroding Moral Authority" of RC bishops" - using money that's being withheld from charitable works in the service of political lobbying and pressure on legislators.  This is both contrary to the separation of church and state and outright immorality on the part of so-called "prelates" of the faith.  (Please not that the link above also links to a post by Andrew Sullivan protesting today in a similar vein!)

Let me preface this blog with two things:

I venerate every one who sincerely follows a faith or no faith - anyone who seeks to live out/embody ethical values such as compassion, justice, and mercy.

For the word "god" in the post, you can substitute:  Holy Mystery, Sacred Presence, Cosmic Heart - whatever you view as deepest, truest, most compassionate, just, merciful.

Moral Hazards

She was a professional woman.  Raised in a strict, churchgoing and dysfunctional family.  And she was gay.  That's what brought her to my doorstep.  Seeking a way out of her dilemma.  Seeking, but not finding, something I could not give her.  Because she was also trapped in her own mind - her beliefs and her self-evaluations and her view of God so powerfully stuck, so resistant to change.

Her church was telling her that what her mind and body felt were sinful longings.  As to behavior, she really hadn't done much of that.  Too much rejection from family the one time she briefly lived with a woman.   Church was important to her.  Her main source of social interaction outside her family of origin.  But God was, for her, a demanding judge, someone to fear.  And the bible hadn't seemed to help either - as she tended to focus on those passages which, she feared, would be in waiting for her when her behavior came to "Judgment" one day.

She really didn't make much progress, I think.  As her mind was so fixed - like concrete that had set long ago.  And she finally stopped coming.  Still depressed, but no longer suicidal. 

But though she left therapy, her therapy did not leave me.  Her plight was not just one of being rejected for being gay.  Though she had been.  More than anything it was related to a failure of religion to be there for her.  A failure of her faith community to provide solace or even a chance to open up.  A failure of her church to reassure her of God's care and protection and love; God's ultimate delight in her and fervent wish for her well-being.  But it wasn't only that.  Our image of God is powerfully affected by the image we form, based upon our parents.  Our conscience is formed from interaction with parents.  And she just couldn't take the risk of "giving up" her long-ago cemented ideas about God, sin, faith, religion, and the parental rejection they all symbolized.

Somehow she could never chip away at that cement:  For the Bible told her so.  And she was so closed-off, from having to hide so much of herself, feeling so ashamed - that it prevented her from forming a close enough bond with me.  A bond that might have given her enough "security" and "safety" to risk letting go of what kept her imprisoned, unhappy, unfulfilled, isolated.

She needed to protect herself.  But in doing that she was also (unwittingly) hemming herself in.  She was too fearful of parental disapproval, church disapproval, bible disapproval, God disapproval.  So what did it matter if I was OK with it?  She herself disapproved.

One thing about being a therapist.  So many people get better, move on.  There's a sense of completion.  But you never forget the people you couldn't help.  That thought nags at you.  Especially when, like this person, part of the problem lies in society and in religion.  You get concerned about the many ways churches hurt people, rather than helping them.  You cringe at so many ways that society hurts and fails to help.  Of course you knew that before, but that was before you knew this person.  (And naturally, it's not just one person I'm thinking of.  I just picked the one that's nagged at me - about this - the most.)

That's why civil unions alone will never be enough.  People like my former patient need compassionate pastoral and communal care as well.  God is Love.  Love is of God.  So long as we are faithful to the one we love, how could that love possibly displease the One who first LOVED us?  Who literally loved us - into BEING?

Long ago I decided that if I had to choose between moral hazards, I would prefer to err on the side of love.

Seems to me I picked that up from an itinerant Jewish Rabbi "who spoke with authority" and whose actions, according to his own testimony, were meant to reveal his Father's Love - love especially for the lost and forsaken, the excluded and the outcast.

.................................................................

Update:

Well, well, well, well, well..... I have just come across an address by an ELCA Lutheran Bishop Emeritus, apologizing (just 5 days ago!) for his former rejection of homosexuality - in a public context - which was reported by Minnesota Public Radio.  You can read the brief text here.  (I am profoundly moved by this.) 

I think I understand
what is happening
in our land.

It's the solution
that evades me.

There is a huge fissure in the social fabric.  Indeed there is, on the part of some, an inability to even see the social fabric.

To those who cry for personal freedom and decry efforts, of whatever type, to care for our brothers and sisters (the least among us, the excluded, the poor, the sick, the illegal immigrant, those who cover their heads or use a different name for god, those who ask simply to marry the one they love), selfishness is a god, not freedom.  But they don't seem to see that.

What pains me most, what makes it nearly impossible to write at all, is this deeply ingrained selfishness and greed, which asserts that individuals are somehow "free" when they most disregard their fellow human beings.  Oh, I'm sure they wouldn't see it that way.  They think of themselves as fine, upstanding patriots - who are only interested in urging others to "stand up" and "fend for themselves".  Yes, they would say this to the sick and the lame and the poor and the downtrodden.  They would tell them, without performing any miracle, to "take up your bed and walk" - something that Jesus is described as saying.  But when Jesus said it, there was a gift of healing.

I am at a loss
for how
to get across
to folks
who are the haves and have mores
that we are put
upon this earth
to share
and care.

This is my dilemma.  This is a source of great suffering to me. 

And if you are reading this - and you fail to understand my suffering or what I've written - then please... this is not the blog for you to comment on.  Because apparently your heart seems unable to open up.  And that is exactly what is paining me.  Truly.

How do we first get people to open their hearts?  This is breaking my own heart!

To dwell with the suffering,
 in the suffering,
 that is sometimes all we can do.

 Hoping,
 that somehow,
 if enough of us are willing to dwell there,
 it will become some kind of black hole -
 which pulls others
 into it.

Peace upon all. 

True presence is the only real compassion. How can we make the big guys more present?

I am reminded of that thin woman standing by the roadside where cars rush by so heavy and fast on the way to the highway. I have to buy a bag of groceries, stop my car and hold up the other traffic to pass it to her. Then I will have been present.

leftyloosey

How can we make the big guys more present?

That is the real question.  And that is also a huge problem.  For it seems their Hearts have gone astray.

So the next question is:  How to change hearts....

Well, I have some wishes....  But first consider this.  (Because I suspect that to seek the "lost hearts" we need to make sure our own hearts are in the right place.)

"Purity of heart is to will one thing."

Kierkegaard

We need to think on this.  To ponder it.  Over a long, long time.  Because I suspect the answer is not something we can come up with once and for all.  I think it grows on you.  It changes over time.  As you distill your answers down.  Purifying them. 

Leftyloosey has given us a start.  So has DD:

When I was a kid I was constantly told that

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

We should at least work, every day as best we can to make it fairer.

This all makes me weep a little.

That I can do so demonstrates that I am still alive.

Maybe what we need to do is approach some very 'strong' people and help them weep a little more.

So how do we get the "big guys" (the very 'strong' people) to weep a little more?  To ponder the "one thing necessary"?  To open their hearts to what really matters?

Like Martin Luthor King "I have a dream."  I envision all the King's horses and all the King's men.... well, you know what I mean...  I envision all the big wigs (men, women), all the "movers and shakers" and the would-be leaders - civil, religious, you name it - I envision all of them somehow compelled or ideally choosing to go off to places where they remain in silence and solitude for maybe 10 days - each year.  Pondering.  Weeping.  I picture these places as monasteries or other places of meditation.  Places where they are exposed to men and women who choose to spend a lifetime in such places: pondering; meditating; holding the hearts of others in their own hearts - seeking to will that "one thing" that is purity of heart.  Seeking Presence, Holy Mystery - whatever name you prefer.  Something you could believe in.  Trust in.  Or wish you could - even if you doubt it.

Now lately I've had this feeling - more than once - that I am not meant to be on this earth.  Don't panic here.  I don't mean I'm suicidal.  What I mean is that sometimes the woes and the sufferings, the greed and the lies, the wars, and the poverty and injustice just get to me.  And the "distance" between what humanity could be - if we all got together to share our blessings - and where it's NOT.... is so great, I can hardly bear it.  And my inner heart, like DD's, just weeps.  Sometimes I can feel those tears just beneath the surface.  And other times, yes... they come.  I've had floods of tears at times.   Presence and suffering enlarge your heart.

So my dream would entail at the very least placing the "big guys" where they might have to face their own hearts and ask themselves some questions.  Maybe even weep.  For what they've failed to do.  And what they might do.  And what others are going through.  For I wouldn't just "place" them in silence and solitude, but I would make sure that every day, several times a day, they encountered real suffering people.  People who suffer illness and want and disability.  People who lack the money and prestige which insulate the "big guys" and prevent them from seeing, hearing, facing what drives some of us nuts because we just can't get the healing message through.  And these suffering people would speak from their hearts!

I know this is pie in the sky.  I know it.

A few days ago I ran across a chapter in a book I read a few years back.  And this chapter spoke to my sense of estrangement.  It told me that such experiences are akin to what Abraham felt when he was told to leave his land and go to a "place of promise".  That anyone touched by Holy Mystery begins to feel like a foreigner or to have a sense of inner estrangement, the further they go on the "path of promise".  That book has another chapter called,  The loneliness of the just one, which speaks of this in a different way - based on the first Psalm, where "two ways" of life are compared.  The way of the "just" is a lonely way, though "watered" by sacred texts (choose any tradition!) one ponders day and night.  The way of the "wicked" is full of companions (mockers in bleachers, so to speak, laughing at the just ones, while urging the greedy crowd to lie and cheat and steal and murder).  Really this is all saying the same thing:  Even thousands of years ago, men pondered these questions.  They suffered.  They wept.  They felt estranged from the world around them.  They knew it could be different.  They felt mocked by the Fox and internet Trolls of their day. 

I find it oddly comforting to know that thousands of years ago, psalms were written expressing feelings and yearnings I have today.  At the same time it almost brings you to despair!  Thousands of years.  And it's still the same....

So that, my friends, is why in some sense I have nothing more to say.  And I have nothingness to say.

I'm pondering.  I'm stuck in this place of estrangement.  I'm choosing the lonely path.  The only path I can choose:  Heart Streams in Dry Land, I called it once. Trying to plant a few "seeds" - hoping they'll grow, wishing we could plant some more to get the "big guys" to be present.  And to weep.

Sometimes the back story says more than the front story.  From Doxy last night:

TheraP--I am really honored! I've had over 1,100 hits on that post since Tuesday. That's pretty amazing!

The only post I've ever done that surpassed it was my post about my friend Terri-Lynn, whose untimely death is what got me so energized about healthcare reform to begin with.

By publicizing this so beautifully, you are helping me to honor her memory. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Pax,
Doxy

So today let us specifically honor her memory.  Meet Doxy's "reason why":

Elegy

She was beautiful. Big brown eyes and a veritable mane of dark brown, unruly hair. A crooked tooth gave her a interesting smile.

She was sarcastic and wry. I was always glad that I wasn't the subject of her witheringly funny scrutiny. She could cut through bullshit in about two seconds flat. You never wondered what she thought about anything--she was always happy to tell you.

She grew up in a beach town and she was in love with the ocean. Her blog carried a quote from Isak Dinesen: "The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea." She knew something about tears--and she knew how to laugh, too.

She was fiercely loyal to her friends, including me. And she was loving--to her son, to her family and friends, and even to a few people who didn't deserve it.

She exemplified Jesus about as well as anyone I've ever known. She gave up on organized religion after her young son was diagnosed with a chronic illness and the faith community in which he was baptized at sunrise on an Easter morning never called to see how he was or visited him in the hospital. I can't say I blame her for that--in fact, it grieves me in a special way, because those apathetic folks were "my people"--Episcopalians. But she walked the walk a hell of a lot better than most people who just like to tell you about their love for Jesus.

She never caught a break. She never went to college. Never really had much in the way of a career--certainly not something with benefits. Her one great love broke her heart when he left their marriage. Late in life, she had the son she loved above all with a man who didn't deserve either of them.

She was a loving, good woman, friend, and mother, and she never caught a break.

*********************************

She died of cancer yesterday (e.g. 5/25/09). She died at age 50, leaving that 10-year-old boy with the chronic illness without her fierce love and protection. God only knows what his life will be like now.

She died because she was poor, and because she didn't have health insurance.

She died because, when she started having pain and other symptoms almost five years ago, she didn't go to the doctor because she couldn't afford it. What might have been easily curable had it been caught early was a death sentence by the time she was no longer able to bear the pain and dragged herself to the emergency room.

She died because the people in this country are so fucking selfish that they have fought healthcare reform tooth and nail.

She died because she didn't have the good fortune to be born in a country that doesn't CLAIM to be "Christian"--like any developed nation in Europe or the United Kingdom. (Where my mother, who suffers from chronic health problems, has received the best healthcare she's ever gotten...so spare me your ignorant diatribes about the National Health Service in the U.K.)

My friend spent her last years suffering not only the pain of cancer but the indignity of having to worry about how she was going to pay her rent and feed her child. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2½ years ago, and was able to get Social Security disability payments only nine weeks ago.

It sickens me to type that.

If you are one of those people who believes that universal healthcare is a socialist plot and has fought reform that would enable every American to have decent healthcare, I hold you personally responsible for her death. You are complicit in murder, and you should fall to your knees and beg God's forgiveness for your selfishness and your hardness of heart.

If it were in my power, I would force you to look that 10-year-old boy in the face and explain to him why it is okay that his mother is dead so that you could have a few more dollars in your pocket for your Starbucks lattes or your cable television service. Or why it it was okay for you to keep your "Cadillac healthcare plan" while his mother had none.

If you could do that, you are beyond help and may God have mercy on your soul--for you will get none from me.

If you could do that, I hope that you at least have the grace not to call yourself a Christian.

And if you couldn't--if you couldn't look that sweet boy in the face and say something so hardened and callous that it would make the angels weep--you need to be on the phone to your elected representatives, telling them to make sure that this doesn't happen again. Demanding that they make changes--no matter what the cost--so that no person on this earth will die in agony, and no child will be left motherless, because we don't have the will to do the most basic thing that Jesus asked of us: "Love one another."

**********************************************************

This is what my friend, Terri-Lynn--funny, loyal, loving woman that she was--wrote about herself (scroll down at Doxy's blog).

Let us think on this a bit:

"There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be".

Leon Bloy

Dd has a blog up that speaks eloquently for the "reason why not"  (dispassion, lack of caring).

But to care is to suffer.  Yes, this one's by me.  From Nothingness:

The Mystery of Suffering

It was Thanksgiving Day. But nobody knew that there. We'd gone to visit my father-in-law because he was gravely ill. He had already gathered his children (all grown) and tearfully asked for their forgiveness - for any wrong he had done them. That was before our trip could be made. I'm sorry we missed it.

My mother-in-law was a saint. And I'm not kidding you when I say that. When she died, some years after her husband, the whole village turned out. The priest spoke of how he had learned so much from her. She was a benefactor and a friend to many. Always quietly, discreetly.

I had asked her for prayers many times. Especially for my work with victims of abuse. I had asked many people actually. Even strangers. Leaving little notes on bulletin boards (the kind where you could leave such a message): "Please pray for victims of abuse and for their therapists." I'm not kidding you.

Was I the one who wanted to ask the Carmelites to pray too? The tiny convent of aging nuns in this obscure village in Andalusia? Friends and recipients of my mother-in-law's kindness and financial assistance. I can't recall who proposed it.

But on that Thanksgiving morning we walked through the narrow streets to the Carmelite convent. My husband. His mother. And I. Through the closed gate. Under the stone arch. Through the wooden doors. Down a short hallway. Into a tiny room with a grille, which looked into another tiny room. Where, after a short wait, two nuns appeared. Women who had been here for decades, I'm sure. Women with little more than a grammar school education, who'd been in this enclosed environment, gradually turning into saints.

I expected my husband or his mother to do the talking. But no.... They turned to me. Everyone was waiting. The two nuns behind the grille. The three of us, on tiny chairs, crowded together on our side of that little grilled window. And in my broken Spanish I briefly told them of my work. Asked them to pray especially for one person. Made up words to convey that she'd been abused, even tortured as a child. That her own mother had participated in this, earning money from her daughter's suffering. That, for her, this defined her worth. At which point I burst into tears and could say no more.

The one nun began speaking. In Spanish. An elderly woman hidden except for her kind face poking through her veil and plain brown robe. I could hardly understand a word. It seemed she spoke at length. And I tried to be polite and pay attention to the stream of words, picking out phrases like " the Big Teresa" and "the Little Teresa" (the foundress of the order and someone also known as "the little flower"). Both had suffered in different ways - and I presume the old nun might have referred to that - but honestly her words were not making much headway. Until she said: "Pedir a Dios para la fe de aceptar el misterio del sufrimiento." She might have repeated them. She must have seen from my expression that they went straight to my heart. That she'd given me what I needed: "Pray to God - for the faith - to accept the mystery of suffering."

Maybe it was something she had learned from the "Big Teresa" and the "Little Teresa". Maybe it was something she had gathered on her own. I will never know. She also gave me some momentoes of these saints - a keychain, a little triptiche. But mostly she gave me those words. I repeat them sometimes. I love the sound of them in Spanish. I can feel her presence, almost, as I say them.

I've followed her advice. I have to say I think it's helped.

When someone suffers, it is their suffering. It belongs to them. No one can take it from them. If they let you in, together you can sit before it - or with it - patient, reverent, accepting, caring, letting it seep into your heart and soul.

There are words you can say. But mostly I think it all comes down to presence.

Suffering is a mystery. And so is presence. I think they complement each other - in some way that is also a mystery.

Compassion:  Willingness to face suffering with another.  That's the reason why! 

Healthcare for All!

Oh, wait, it's a Trojan Horse!

Posted on behalf of Doxy, whose "Open Letter" is just too good not to go viral:

Blue Cross/Blue Shield of North Carolina--My Open Letter to My Scumsucking Insurance Company

When I collected my mail today, I had this piece from my friendly health insurance company, Blue Cross/Blue Shield of North Carolina:





Here is my response:

Dear Blue Cross/Blue Shield of North Carolina:

Who wants Federal government intervention in the private health insurance market? I do!

I want a public option. In fact, I want more than a public option--I want single-payer healthcare. Want it more than a kid wants candy at Halloween and presents at Christmas. Want it even more than I wanted a pony when I was 8.

Why? Because I think healthcare is a human right, and I don't think it should be a profit-making venture. Because I think insurance is nothing more than legalized extortion-and I'm tired of having my pockets picked, only to be told that you won't cover X,Y, or Z. Oh, and by the way...you're raising my premiums by nearly 30%.

You bill yourself as "nonprofit," which may make some gullible people think you are looking out for their best interests. But I know better. I've done my homework, and I've found the numbers:

• In 2008, you paid your top 9 executives a total of $13, 369,133 in salaries, bonuses, and other compensation. That averages to $1,485,459 per person. You gave your top execs raises that ranged from 20%-32% that year.
• According to the same regulatory filing, in 2008, you paid the 13 members of your Board of Directors a total of $494,459--an average of $38,035. Just for comparison, according to the U.S. Census bureau's most recent data (2005), the average salary for a family of 4 in North Carolina was $59,481. That means that a BCBSNC director made 64% of a NC family's YEARLY income for attending 5 meetings a year.
• You reported profits of $186 million in 2008---and raised our premiums in the worst economy in living memory. (I'm still trying to figure out how a "nonprofit" has profits....)
• You have a 72.5% market share of individual and employer-provided health insurance in North Carolina. That means, for many North Carolinians, you are the only game in town---the 800 lb. gorilla no one can ignore.
  

I've got to hand it to you, BCBSNC. You've got chutzpah. You can corner the state health insurance market, make millions in "nonprofits," pay your executives whopping salaries, raise my premiums while cutting my benefits--and still find a way to spend my hard-earned money trying to get me to lobby against my own best interests!

But you forgot one thing...I'm not a mindless FOX News drone and I'm not easily manipulated. I had been feeling tired and worn out with the whole healthcare debate--but your little mailing gave me an energy boost!

You see, I have my Senator's and Representative's phone numbers programmed into my phone. They both got calls today about the mailing you sent me. I doubt you'll be happy about what I said.

And that postage-paid postcard you wanted me to send to Senator Kay Hagan? The one that asked her to "please oppose government-run health insurance" because it would allow the government to compete "unfairly" with the private sector? I crossed out your message and wrote her asking her to support a true public option.

It gave me great satisfaction to know that you'll be paying a few cents of the money you have extorted from me over the years to lobby against YOUR best interests. It also gave me great pleasure to discover that I'm not alone, and that others are taking action too.

We take our victories where we find them.

Sincerely,
Doxy

Please send this everywhere!  All the credit goes to Doxy (and do not miss her follow-up post that I just linked!).

My thanks to Bwakfat for suggesting I put Doxy's letter up on a blog.

__________________________________

Update:

Message from Doxy, which makes this post even more poignant and your response here even more wonderful!  From a comment to me on her blog:

TheraP--I am really honored! I've had over 1,100 hits on that post since Tuesday. That's pretty amazing!

The only post I've ever done that surpassed it was my post about my friend Terri-Lynn, whose untimely death is what got me so energized about healthcare reform to begin with.

By publicizing this so beautifully, you are helping me to honor her memory. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Pax,
Doxy

What a fitting tribute to her friend.  I am just deeply, deeply moved by all of this. 

Could any of us forget Wendy's great blog in Feb when she invited us to participate in our own TPM "It was a dark and stormy night..." contest?

Now it appears that the dark and stormy night has descended upon Wendy herself.  A southern woman.  A woman of dignity.  A woman of eloquence.  A woman who has extended a hand to others.  And now may need one herself.  A woman perhaps too proud for her own good... but thank goodness, she's let us know.... 

I'm just beginning a very busy day.  So I won't be around to comment much.  But I'm hoping we can put our heads together on behalf of WW. 

If you're wondering what I'm talking about, read dd's blog - and especially the thread below it.

This blog can be used as a working blog for ideas of how to help Wendy.  Whether it's finding her a job or a place to live or both.  (unless somebody else has a blog up on this - in which case we link them together)

Peace to all.  We can work for justice through blogging or by helping one another.  Let's put our money where our mouth is! 

I would like to thank the right wing.

I never thought I would write to thank the right wing.  But I'm living and learning every day - and now I see that the right wing wants to make sure I will not be euthanized when I sign up for Medicare next Spring. 

This is maybe the first time ever that I have found the right wing offering to do something to care for citizens.   Especially, caring for the weak and the old.  They are apparently willing to go to any expense to keep me, a confirmed left winger, alive!  In my old age no less!  Even if I go senile and no longer know who I am!  Even if I am suffering from being intubated and with lines into every part of my body.  Even if I am in great pain from cancer, there is no way they will allow me to have enough pain meds - to permit a comfortable (and quicker) demise when the good lord is ready to take me.  No, due to right wing caring I will likely be kept alive and alert - to the very end! 

This is truly amazing!  They will fight to keep a left-winger alive - and alert!- no matter what!

Now, let me assure the right wing that I fully intend to stay alive - quite possibly for as long as 30 years on Medicare.  I intend to do everything to keep my health, my strength, and my mind.  Please be advised, right wing, that I currently have 2 living parents (92 and 87 - with no sign of dying any time soon) and their parents lived to ripe old ages - one of them almost to 101 - in full command of her faculties!

So, thank you right wing!  For once you are Right!

Due to right wing generosity:

I can now guarantee my peaceful opposition

 to any immoral policies of theirs

- without fear of being bumped off -

till my last, peaceful, dying breath.

Please join me in gratefulness.  Light a candle for healthcare!

(TPM Candles)

Do thugs disrupting meetings care about their neighbor?

  Do they want their neighbor to care about them?

A long time ago, a young seeker confronted a complacent, self-satisfied society with a message of love and healing.  He was asked:  "Who should I love?"

And the wandering hippie of his day answered the question with a story, which went something like this, updated for today:

A guy set out to go to a meeting.  And on his way he was set upon by thugs, bent on disrupting the meeting.  They beat him up, called him names, and left him in the gutter.

An insurance exec passed the person in the gutter and gave him a kick.  He reassured himself that the guy in the gutter was probably a drunk.  And was glad to recall that none of his company's money was allowed to care for drunks - or anyone who let themselves get beaten up.

A lobbyist passed the person in the gutter.  He gave him a kick.  And when the man groaned, the lobbyist heaped scorn on him.  Told him to get on with his dying or get up and find himself a way to serve the god of money and power and influence - if he ever expected anyone to give him help.

Others passed by too.  Perhaps you can tell us those stories. 

Finally, a family came along.  And a little kid asked his parents why this person was lying there and nobody was helping him.  The kid asked a bunch of questions.  Why would a city let people just lie in the gutter?  How could people walk by and do nothing?  And why do they tell him it's his fault if he's sick?

This little kid was like the one who noticed the Emperor had no clothes.  He just wouldn't stop asking questions.  And he wouldn't let his parents go any further.  Till they answered the questions and did something!

You can imagine what they did.  And write about it below if you like.  I suspect it's a story with many chapters to it. 

Each of us here has likely done something - maybe many things - likely unknown and unsung, whether related to health care - or some other kind of caring for a stranger or a friend - who needed help. 

How can we hold our heads up in the family of nations, if we pass by and ignore our fellow citizens in need?  How can we hold our heads up in the family of nations, if our media are broadcasting images of thugs verbally bashing health care advocates and disrupting public, democratic discussions?  

I'm throwing in my lot with that hippie of long ago.  With peacemakers of every tradition.  I don't care what group you belong to - but if you advocate peace and compassion and justice and caring for and about your fellow citizen, then we can work together. 

Majority Rule is not mob rule. 

Peacemakers, it's time to stand up!

Quietly.....    creatively....

__________________________________________________

Like this:

Light a Candle for Health Care

Click on the candle below or the link above.  It will guide you to light a candle.  You can join the candle group "TPM" or start another candle group.  You can add a message as well as your name and your location before you light the candle.  Once you've "lit" one, you will be given an opportunity to email your candle.  Let people know you prefer to light one candle than to curse the darkness of those who seek to disrupt health care legislation.  Ask others to join this quiet demonstration in favor of justice and health care for all.




You can click here and see the TPM candles and read the messages.  You can also light a candle directly from the TPM candle page. (just click on an unlit candle and you'll be guided)

Namaste.   

Light a Candle for Health Care

Click on the candle below or the link above.  It will guide you to light a candle.  You can join the candle group "TPM" or start another candle group.  You can add a message as well as your name and your location before you light the candle.  Once you've "lit" one, you will be given an opportunity to email your candle.  Email it to your representatives in Congress.  Let them know you prefer to light one candle than to curse the darkness of those who seek to disrupt health care legislation.  Ask others to join this quiet demonstration in favor of justice and health care for all.




Health care is basic caring for our fellow citizens.  It is a way of being a Good Samaritan.  We cannot turn our backs on those in need.  And we must find ways, quiet peaceful ways, like this one, to demonstrate our determination that our country take care of all citizens, especially its weakest and most vulnerable.

I urge you to copy this candle and place it on your blogs along with a link so others can make use of it to light a candle.  Each virtual candle lasts for 48 hours.  We need to keep them lit and relit.  If mirror sites are needed for this, then those who are adept at code and the internet can provide them.  We need to keep this vigil going until health care legislation, which is just and equitable, is passed by our Congress and signed into law.

We cannot sit by and let thugs define America.

Let us define America as peaceful, just, and caring.  Let us blanket our land with candles.  Candles for peace.  Candles for love.  Candles to show We Care about our fellow citizens.

_____________________________________________________

Update:

You can click here and see the TPM candles and read the messages.  You can also light a candle directly from this TPM candle page. (just click on an unlit candle and you'll be guided)
 

I'd like to start a little healthcare Healing Energy action for our dear Rowan.  And this will be a very short blog.  Because it asks you to do one small thing.  Light a candle.  A candle for Rowan's healing.

As many of you know Rowan has had two neurological ailments in the past few months.  One was "taken care of" through radiation.  But radiation to her head!  It was a tangle of nerves, a nerve bundle near her ear.  The other is a very painful condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia.  It causes her severe pain on one side of her face - not even the entire side of her face.  But an irritated nerve - imagine the pain of a toothache in just one tooth.  Well, even if it's just one tooth you're glad when you dentist can do something to take the pain away.  But there isn't a way to just take away Rowan's pain.  Or to speed her healing from the radiated nerve tangle.

Now the purpose of this post is not really to describe Rowan's ailments.  (And I haven't giving away any information here that Rowan herself has not provided here before). But to let you know that I, for one, am concerned about her.  I've been sending her healing energy, positive thoughts and caring feelings.  But I'm convinced we need an all-out campaign - so I'm asking for your help.

In Rowan's case it's not a lack of health care or medical assistance.  It's a need to promote healing - body, mind, soul, and spirit.  To make sure she'll be able to teach this Fall - as she loves to do.  As we know, from Saladin, she does so well.

So here's what I'm asking.  Please light a candle.  Not just any candle.  Click on the one just below:

Namaste

Restful. Deep. Breath. Light a Candle.
 
When you click on the candle, it will take you to a place to "light a candle."  And here's what I suggest.  The site you'll end up at, sponsored by gratefulness.org, has a way to designate a "group" when you light your candle.  I propose the group "Rowan" - and I've already started it. Here's a link to the candle I've already lit for Rowan.  

Once you've lit a candle too, you'll be able to search for the group "Rowan" - and there, for 24 hours at least - we can see a visible sign of our care and concern for the health of one of our own.  Here's a link for the Rowan Candle Group so you can watch the candles multiply.  (You can also light a candle directly from there!  Or from my Nothingness blog - on the sidebar, just scroll down.)

Health care.  It's about more than legislation.  It has to do with caring about your fellow person.

Peace to all.