In a move carefully calibrated to steal the Wacky Evangelical Vote from sometime-Baptist and Catholic-hater-repudiator John McCain, Senator Barack Obama today announced that he intends to “fund the living hell” out of still-President George W. Bush’s Office of Faith-Based Initiatives, an agency the Bush White House uses primarily to pay massive blocs of homophobic Protestants to vote Republican.
But this latest move to the center may hurt the
December 7, 2007 : The White House
George W. Bush: Whistling the theme song to “The Andy Griffith Show.”
BUSH’S COMPUTER: You’ve got mail!
GWB : (Over intercom, panicked.) Joshua! Git in here, son, my com-puter is talkin to me agin!
Joshua B. Bolton, White House Chief of Staff: (Over intercom, sighing.) Sir, we’ve discussed this before. Your computer is not possessed, it’s just telling you about some e-mail you’ve received. Please don’t pour holy water on the keyboard again, the guys in IT hate that.
GWB : I don’t like it when this thing talks, goddamnit, gives me the willies. Machines ain’t sposed to talk less they’re ro-bots like Cindy McCain. Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Cindy McCain, I says. Heh.
JBB : Yes, hysterical as always, Mr. President.
GWB : Git on in here, Josh-Josh-B’Gosh, lessee what’s in this ‘lectric mailbox here.
JBB : (Enters Oval Office, peers over the President’s shoulder.) It’s the E.P.A.’s report on Climate Change and Pollutant Control, Mr. President.
GWB : Who did the whut-now?
JBB : It’s a lot of paper about the Earth getting very, very hot, owie-hot, Sir, and all the yucky black smoke in the air, coughy-coughy!
GWB : Oh that’s that shit I don’t believe in, right? Since it ain’t in the Bible? God wouldn’t make the world owie-hot now, would he, Bolt-O? Jes like he wouldn’t make giant lizards and whatnot.
JBB : (Sighing.) That’s right, Sir. No global warming, no giant lizards.
GWB : I mean them things jes redickilus, how’s Noah sposed to get them things on that Ark? Wouldn’t’a been nothin left but dinosaurs, you ask me, put one them Velociwhatnots on the Ark, that shit’s all over for your goats and sheep and such. (Shudders.)
JBB : (Biting inside of cheek.) Hmm. Yes, Sir.
GWB : So Eppa sent over some happy horseshit about the pollution, that what this is?
JBB : "Eppa," Sir?
GWB : Come on, Bolt-O-Matic, says it right there on the tee-vee! (Points to his computer monitor.) “E-P-A,” Eppa! Jesus Christ, boy, you must be sorta re-tarded.
JBB : Eppa, yes, Sir. This is the report the Supreme Court required us to produce to determine whether greenhouse gases represent a danger to health or the environment.
GWB : (Stares at Bolton blankly for several long seconds.) Well hell, Joshua Tree, how many ‘Mericans live in a goddamn greenhouse?
JBB : No, Sir…
GWB : And why they got so much gas? They growin their own beans in there? Jesus Christ the beans give me the gas, Bolt-O. I should never have moved to Tex-Mex country.
JBB : Back to this report, Sir…
GWB : Oh for Christ’s sake you know I never lissen to the Supreme Court, they don’t know shit from…from…
JBB : Shinola, Sir?
GWB : Whut the hell is ‘Shinola’?
JBB : We seem to be getting off track here, Mr. President.
GWB : Supreme Court’n go to hell, whattuh they ever done fer me, Bolt-O?
JBB : (Under his breath.) You mean besides make you president?
GWB : Whut’s that?
JBB : Nothing, Sir.
GWB : Thought you said somethin there. Somethin derogatational.
JBB : Not at all, Sir. Won that one fair and square.
GWB : Goddamn right, Joshtentatious.
(Uncomfortable silence.)
GWB : So this report gonna make me mad, boy?
JBB : To the extent that you’ll understand it at all, I’m sure it will, Sir.
GWB : Peeved? Gonna make me peeved? Peevish?
JBB : Undoubtedly, Mr. President.
GWB : An why’s that, zackly?
JBB : (Blowing out a long, exhausted breath.) Oh, because it shines a big bright light on your environmental failures, highlights your business-friendly policy decisions, brings back the whole regulation-by-corporate-fiat disaster, disproves almost everything we’ve ever said about Global Warming and greenhouse gases…
GWB : Whoa, whoa, Jesus, that’ll do er, Bolt-O, that’ll do er. You sure you work for me?
JBB : For the time being, Sir.
GWB : (Squints until his eyes vanish entirely.) Cause usually my folks don’t tell me none of that bad stuff, usually they jes kiss a great big buncha my ass.
JBB : I hadn’t noticed, Sir.
GWB : So if this lectric mail here’s gonna piss me off, mebbe I jes shouldn’t open that fucker, what you think about that, Bolt-O?
JBB : (Blinking.)
GWB : Heh-heh. Jes don’t open ‘er!
JBB : (Blinking.)
GWB : Can’t read ‘er if you don’t open ‘er. Can’t leg-slate nuttin you ain’t read, can’t read what’n you don’t open!
JBB : (Staring at ceiling dizzily.)
GWB : Called logic, Bolt-O. Deducifyin. How I run things here, I’m the Logic Guy. I use the logic.
JBB : Mr. President, we can’t just not read our e-mail.
GWB : Shore we can’t! Look, watch this, Bolt-O, watch. (Turns his back to the computer.) See dat! I ain’t readin it! You see me readin it? Eppa e-mail? What Eppa e-mail? Heh-heh. That’s logictudinal, Bolt-O.
JBB : No, Sir, what I mean is, someday the E.P…uh, “Eppa” is going to ask what we thought of the report. They’re going to want to know what we plan on doing about their recommendations.
GWB : Fuck’im! Didn’t read it!
JBB : (Horrified.) But Sir…
JERUSALEM - Devout Jews gathered this morning at the Wailing Wall to pray intensely for The Rapture™ to finally come and cleanse the world of sanctimonious neo-Nazi stick-figured Christian douchebags like Ann Coulter, who claimed on Monday that Jews are in need of “perfecting” through Christianity, the “fast-track program” to the peace and happiness that is Heaven, as long as you aren’t a Jew or Unitarian or any of the other crazy religions, like the one where you blow stuff up because you’re upset about things. Coulter also compared Christianity to Federal Express, by which we assume she means Jesus can overnight you to Paradise when you absolutely, positively have to get Saved before the seas turn to blood and whatnot.
