Those of you who follow the efforts of our titans of the banking industry in their efforts to pinpoint the true cause of our current financial peccadillo are no doubt aware that the forensics are rapidly narrowing in on Iceland... 

 

I know what you're saying:  "Mr. Economist, I thought the current financial mishap was caused by poor people who were too irresponsible to just say no when lending institutions came to them with hands-full of credit, no questions asked.  And I further thought that excessive government regulation required the banks hand over this credit to poor people, putting responsible wealthy people at risk, so the banks were further obliged to sell off the paper to people who sold off the paper to people who sold off the paper to people who sold off the paper..."

 

Well, dear reader, that's way too much of an over-simplification.

 

You see, Iceland is a Scandinavian country and all Scandinavian countries are socialist.  As we all know, socialists do not live in the real world.  The socialists in Iceland let their banks get out of control.  They started dabbling in world banking markets.  They started leveraging their banks on credit. It was a bubble that was too good to last.  As Iceland fell, so fell other banking institutions.

 

So, we can place the current bit of financial bad luck squarely at the feet of the international socialist conspiracy.  We should invade Iceland and take their resources.

During this most recent financial misadventure many of you have written in asking: "Mr. Economist, how can I plug into that steaming pile of government bailout cash?"

 

Well back in the day, you couldn't, but thanks to the tireless efforts of visionary government deconstructionists like William Philip Gramm, James Albert Smith Leach, and Thomas Jerome Bliley, Jr., we all may be able to get a proverbial foot in the door to TARP.

 

Ask yourself the following questions:

 

1. Do you directly or indirectly own, control, or have the power to vote 25% or more of a class of securities of a U.S. bank?  Let's say a large, yellow, plastic cat filled with 20 years worth of collected loose change....

 

2. Is said "bank" adequately capitalized and managed?  Is the large, yellow, plastic cat filled more than half-way?  Do you keep it in a safe-ish place?

 

3. Is all the "capital" in said "bank" U.S. legal tender secured for all debts, public and private?  No Canadian pennies, washers or coin shaped chocolates wrapped in gold foil?

 

 

If you can answer yes to all of these question AND donated significantly to the campaign of the proper ruling party, then all you have to do is apply to the Federal Reserve as a "Bank Holding Company" to get your fair share of the financial safety net being cast out to rescue most important caste of our society... those too rich to fail.

This is not a decision that comes easily to me. John Sidney McCain is an elder of the Senate, a war hero and a champion of everything we hold dear in this great country of ours. He has demonstrated his fiscal acumen in the recent economic hiccup and his remarkable eye for the ladies in his choice of running mates. He is, quite nearly, the perfect candidate.

There is, however, one troubling inadequacy that wholly disqualifies him for the office of the President of these United States. He has shown a disturbing inability to put enough votes together to win. I cannot support a candidate unable to either convince a majority of people to vote for him or control the machinery of an election to a degree that at least produces the appearance that he has obtained a majority.

The rascal Obama has demonstrated an unequivocal ability to obtain a majority franchise and do so, apparently, without the assistance of Diebold or Sierra. Therefore, I reluctantly endorse the candidacy of Barack Hussein Obama for President of the United States with the full understanding of the power my endorsement will have and what it will mean to the future of this country.

May God have mercy on our souls.

As we all know, there is good socialism and bad socialism.

When our next president John Sidney McCain, takes a poor rural waif from the frozen reaches of the Alaska Wilderness and clothes and feeds her... that's socialism we can believe in.

When John Sidney McCain provides incentives to struggling businesses in the fossil fuel industry; when he helps them gain access to our national parks, national forests and national waters at little or no cost... that's socialism we can believe in.

When John Sidney McCain asks us to share the risk in restoring an economy broken by a few miscreants too irresponsible to pay their own way thus ruining the free market utopia for the rest of us... that's socialism we can believe in.

The rascal Obama has simply not been on this planet long enough to see the difference between good socialism and bad socialism.  Only John Sidney McCain has the experience and judgment necessary to sort out beneficial supply-side socialism from evil and degenerative demand-side socialism.  

Choose the right kind of socialism.  Choose John Sidney McCain.

Increasingly, I’m being asked: “Mr. Economist, how do you sleep at night?  The world economy is in free fall, markets are collapsing.”

It’s simple really.  I sleep on a Safe-sleep© mattress.

The Safe-sleep© mattress is built using space-age security technologies.  No more slicing open the side of a conventional mattress with a box cutter and stuffing it with wads of paper money.  The Safe-sleep© mattress allows me to not only safely store paper notes and treasury bills but precious metals as well without creating those uncomfortable lumps that come from conventional money-in-the-mattress systems.

The Safe-sleep© mattress comes in 3, 4 and 5 number combination systems, depending on your security needs as well as the Deluxe King Safe-mattress© which comes with his and hers storage for those couples with complicated pre-nuptial arrangements.

The Safe-sleep© bed is not sold in any store.  Act now, as supplies are limited.

I have just learned that our take charge next president of the United States, John Sidney McCain, has graciously offered to suspend his campaign and devote his economic acumen to the current market correction. No one understands the economy the way Mr. McCain does. It requires the kind of mental dexterity that can only come from years and years and years inside the problem. And he has made it quite clear that he will not be appearing at the debates this Friday if there is still work being done to turn absolute power over this issue to those in the current administration who’ve had a cogent, take-charge plan in their files for several weeks now. But the rascal Obama refuses to concede. So, for the good of our country, I will step up and volunteer to “pitch-hit” for the honorable Mr. McCain at Friday’s debates. I know a thing or two about the economy (which I’m sure will come up) and I should be able to talk my way around National Security issues at least as well as the future Vice President, who has her own work cut out for her when she goes up against the Gaff-o-matic Joe Biden. So, Mr. Cain pick me. I’m ready to put country first and represent you this Friday and give the youngster from Illinois the verbal thrashing he truly deserves

I know what you’re saying: “Mr Economist. I am not an economist. I am not a presidential candidate. How can I begin to understand the complexities of the current market correction?” Well, you can’t. If you aren’t smart enough to become an investment banker and create a 700 billion dollar leveraged house of cards, then you aren’t smart enough to comprehend, let alone offer advice on how to fix the current market hiccup. No, you need to leave this one to the professionals; the well qualified and well paid CEO’s of Wall Street. We cannot allow the nattering nabobs of progressivism to suggest that the Captains of Industry should in any way be made to suffer. We must oppose pay cuts and the dilution of severances packages for our corporate titans. We must make the tax cuts for our Nation’s elite 1% permanent. We must protect this defenseless minority class. And we need to elect a new president who has been down this road before. A president who was alive during the Roosevelt administration and saw first hand what the excesses of government regulation can do to an economy. We need a champion for the kind of legislation that has helped remove the yoke of burdensome socialist policies that stifle American entrepreneurship. John Sidney McCain was instrumental in the re-allocation of risk to assist the private sector during a different correction among financial institutions back in the 1980’s and that experience is just one more reason why we need him at the helm for the next eight years. I’d like to remind you all of the wise words of Colin Powell who said. “You break it, you bought it”. Who better than John Sidney McCain to carry these words into the next decade?

The problem: Race cards

I am a whist player myself, so I will confess up front to not being fully up to speed on the game that uses race cards.  In whist the ultimate power that any suit has is determined by last card in the pile, the one at the bottom of the deck. 

 Truth be told, I’m having trouble finding any rules at all about a game that uses race cards.  The cards themselves seem to be thematically connected, but all the suits seem the same.  I can’t determine any relative values.  And while the themes on the cards seem to celebrate the act of going around in circles, the game itself seems random and anarchic, no real sport, no subtlety.  Hardly a gentleman’s game. 

Perhaps I’m missing something.

Today’s topic: How a reSURGEnt economy IS WORKING for you

Managing a robust economy like the one we enjoy here in the United States is like brain SURGEry.  For it to be SUCCESSFUL it must be left in the hands of professionals.

To the non-economist or non-Presidential candidate, soaring gaS prices, a failing hoUsing market, Rising unemployment fiGurEs And bearish stock market might JUST seem like a CAUSE for alarm.  As we’ve tried to point out in the past, this is all in your head.

So it is with Some URGEncy  that I ask you all to STOP THINKING negatively.  Our next President, John Sidney McCain, has a plan.  FOCUS ON getting him elected and THE economy, like the sun, will rise GLORIOUS and reSURGEnt  once again, as God as ordained.

Dear Sir or Madam:

We have kidnapped youR EcoNOmist 

IF you want to see him alive again, you will support A bailout of

Frannie Mae and FREDdie Mac and STOP whining ABout how miserable

the economy is.

Your friends

The KIDnapperS

As an economist, I get all manner of special documents that a non-economist would not be privy to.  I received the following communique yesterday explaining President Bush's lifting of the off-shore oil ban.  I have every confidence that once you all read this document you will understand the importance of his actions.  I'm told the all capital letter format means it is especially important.

DEAR SIR,

HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM INTELLENCE SOURCE INSIDE THE NIGERIAN CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY, WE RECEIVED A REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE IN THE TRANSFER 47,500,000,000.00 BARRELS OF OIL INTO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THE ABOVE CACHE OF OIL RESULTED FROM AN OVER-INVOICED CONTRACT, EXECUTED COMMISSIONED AND PAID FOR ABOUT FIVE YEARS (5) AGO BY A CHINESE CONTRACTOR. THIS ACTION WAS HOWEVER INTENTIONAL AND SINCE THEN THE OIL HAS BEEN IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT AT THE CENTRAL HOLDING FACILITY OF NIGERIA - APEX OIL.

THE NIGERIAN MINISTRY IS NOW READY TO TRANSFER THE OIL OVERSEAS AND THAT IS WHERE WE COME IN. IT IS IMPORTANT TO INFORM YOU THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS, OUR NIGERIAN CONTACTS ARE FORBIDDEN TO OPERATE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT; THAT IS WHY ASSISTANCE IS REQUIRED. THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE SHARED AS FOLLOWS: 50% FOR US, 50% FOR YOU AND 5% FOR LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES INCIDENT TO THE TRANSFER.

AN ECONOMIST WITH THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION (NNPC) ASSURES US THE TRANSFER IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. TO ACCOMPLISH THIS GOAL THE NIGERIAN CONTACT REQUIRES THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS:

(A) THE FEDERAL RESERVE TELEPHONE, ACCOUNT AND FAX NUMBERS.

(B) DRILLING PERMITS TO OIL RESERVES IN ALASKA AND AREAS OFF THE COAST OF NORTH AMERICA

(C) OFFICIAL US GOVERNMENT LETTER-HEADED PAPER STAMPED AND SIGNED.

ALTERNATIVELY THEY HAVE OFFERED TO  FURNISH US WITH THE TEXT OF WHAT TO TYPE INTO YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER, ALONG WITH A BREAKDOWN EXPLAINING, COMPREHENSIVELY WHAT WE REQUIRE OF YOU. THE BUSINESS WILL TAKE US THIRTY (30) WORKING DAYS TO ACCOMPLISH.

PLEASE REPLY URGENTLY.

BEST REGARDS,

YOUR GOVERNMENT

I know many of you are frightened about recent events in the banking industry, this is a normal response from non-economists and non-Presidential candidates.

To allay some of your fears, provide and educational video that should set everything straight and help you all get some much needed rest so you'll have plenty of energy to get out there and shop.

Educational Video Link Here

God Speed and vote John Sidney McCain

Today's topic: the power of positive thinking

A sound economy is the product of a mental attitude that focuses thoughts, words and images into an active force conducive to growth, expansion and success. If one expects a robust and growing economy that is what will happen. If one imagines happiness, joy, health and a successful outcome for every situation and action that is what one will find.

Not everyone accepts or believes in wishing to make it so. Some nattering nabobs of negativity consider this principle to be unrealistic, and scoff at people who believe and accept it.  These people are non-economists and non-Presidential candidates.

Positive (bullish) and negative (bearish) economies are both contagious. All of us affect, in one way or another, the people we meet. Is it any wonder that we only want to be around countries that agree with us and declare war on the negative ones? If we believe the economy is okay, it will be.  If we believe we can reduce our deficit while simultaneously reducing government revenues and increasing our role in world-wide, pre-emptive police actions, it will be true. The rest of the free world senses our aura and is affected by our attitude.

Negative thoughts, words and attitudes bring up negative and unhappy moods and actions.  It may be necessary to go to a health care professional to obtain prescription medication to help combat this mental state.  It may be necessary to go shopping.  Shopping and prescription medication are both well documented avenues to a positive economic outlook.

The important thing is to trust John Sidney McCain and his legion of top notch economic advisors.  They’ve been working in Washington for a very long time and know all the ins and outs of putting a happy face on every situation.

Finely, a candidate has shown the courage to call Social Security exactly what it is: disgraceful.  Now this issue can once again become part of the national debate and help propel John Sidney McCain to his rightful place as leader of the Fee World.  The problem is complicated beyond the understanding of non-economists and non-Presidential candidates, but let me break it down to the basics.

The problem: people get old and stop working, but don’t stop spending money.

Old (disgraceful) thinking: the government collects money through a payroll tax to put into a common account.  When someone retires, that person draws on the account based on how much he/she contributed over time.

New (graceful) thinking: a private, for-profit, non-government company collects money through a payroll tax to put into a common account minus expenses.  When someone retires, that person draws on the account based on how much he/she contributed over time minus handling fees.

The old, disgraceful method has no easy mechanism for adjusting the amount of monies coming in without raising taxes.  Raising taxes is un-American (don’t let the flag pins those IRS folks are wearing fool you).

The advantage of turning over management of retirement plans to private, for-profit, non-government companies is something we economists like to call “fine print”.  A private, for-profit, non-government company can manage retirement accounts exactly the way they manage credit cards.  We all have credit cards and we’ve all seen the television advertisements that demonstrate how much more smoothly everything runs when we all use them.  A privatized retirement system would be just like that.

Today’s topic: How to end a war without ending it, balance the budget and cut taxes.

Most Americans don’t understand the stock market or the Federal Reserve, let alone deficit spending, so it’s not surprising that there is some confusion about the Economic Plan proposed by our next President John Sidney McCain.  The problem is that most non-economists and non-presidential candidates can’t image billions of dollars.

Let me simplify things in dollar amounts the average American can understand.

Let’s say I give you a twenty dollar bill and you give me a ten, a five and 5 ones. 

I hear Obama is a secret Muslim.  Went to a radical Filipino madrasa  and everything.

But, you know, I don’t actually need all that loose change, so I’ll give you back the 5 and the ones for a ten. 

Yeah, I guess he’s a patriot even though he won’t say the Pledge of Allegiance and his pastor hates America.

But now that I think about it, even that ten is more loose cash than I need so how about you give me back the twenty and keep the ten, the five and the ones there in your hand.

It’s that simple

Next week: How drilling for oil in Alaska will keep the Chinese out of Cuba