Sources close to the investigation revealed that Cindy McCain used her considerable personal fortune to unleash an attack on Twitter, Facebook and LiveJournal in a bold attempt to undo the social networking activities of Caribou Barbie.

In the gaming arcade of the Metrocenter Mall in Phoenix, Harold "Sk8ter" Frost admitted to accepting $300 and a case of wildberry Skittles from "a blonde lady who told me that it 'was time to take Nanook of the North off the grid.' I wasn't sure who she meant. Maybe some Inuit dude with plain old telephone service?"