Latrobe, Pa.- The untimely death of TV pitchman Billy Mays left
huge ASICS court shoes to fill.

Today, a spokesperson for Made for TV LLC announced the perky
and unpredictable former governor of the great state of Alaska as
their replacement for bigger than life showman Mays.

When asked for a statement, the former governor said, "You betcha
sweet bippie that I can sell the bejesus out of enzyme cleaners, dirtless
tomato planters, and darn, yes, even beard and mustache dye. Sign me
up!"

Citizens of McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania, in honor of beloved native son
Mays, will launch Sarah Palin's made-for-TV career by giving her the keys
to the city and bronzing a pair of her campaign-era Payless peeptoe pumps
that will be displayed at the next hoof and heifer 4-H fair.

When asked to comment on this hiring decision, Mays's former partner,
Andrew Sullivan said he was gobsmacked.  Pittsburgh Pirates' owner,
Robert Nutting, said, "Way to go, Made for TV. No comment! Get outta my way."