Oh, those POOR CEOs!
Cross-posted at Daily Kos
President Barack Obama is going to limit executive pay for bailed out investment banks to $500,000? I mean, $500,000??? WITH NO BONUSES?!! WTF!!!!!!
How the hell are they gonna pay for that fifth summer house in Miami beach? Or those 15 mpg SUVs they promised each of their kids on their 16th birthdays? Or that $87,000 area rug?
It's a well-documented, scientific, statistically indisputable fact that CEOs never use their profits unwisely and they NEVER spend a single dollar on themselves. I mean, they spend the money on other non-themselves things like corporate jets so that they can be flown around, but NEVER on themselves! I mean, that's just NUTS! But now with our President deciding to prioritize fiscal responsibility over hackery, and competence over incompetence, our nation's CEOs are in dire straits!
Just listen to the testimony of somebody who is hurting the most from this dangerous, un-American, Communistic disaster!
"If I didn't pay [bonuses], the people were going to go .... These people didn't choose to cure cancer. These people didn't choose to do public service work .... These people chose to make money." [Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric]
You tell 'em, Jack Welch! Curing cancer is for pansies! And EVERYBODY knows that the only way we're gonna cure cancer is by throwing money at it. In fact, if we give an extra $5 million to every CEO in America, and $20 million to each CEO whose bank is falling under, they'll be able to fill their pools full of hundred-dollar bills at least 1 foot higher, which means they and their rich employees will do an extra 5 laps of swimming in said pools per day, which means more exercise, which means less susceptibility to cancer and heart failure, which means less health care costs, which means THE ECONOMY IS FIXED! HUZZAH!!!
But now, it is a sad, sad day for those poor CEOs. Little Jackie Welch and his rich friends who need TARP money will never know the joys of buying a 13th jet ski, or a diamond-encrusted bath tub, or a set of robot maids who also shoot money out of their asses. They will forever have to languish in the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days of owning only 12 jet skis, and taking showers in non-jewel-encrusted showers, and cooking and doing the housework all for themselves while not getting a crapful of money shot out of robotic asses.
OH, WHATEVER WILL THEY DO????
They all should have more than enough money saved up by now... to literally volunteer their services.
I recommend that other CEO's step up to the plate and have their salaries reduced - as a kind of solidarity with their brethren.
February 4, 2009 2:12 PM | Reply | Permalink
I wish somebody could point me in the direction of a video where Monty Burns has a money fight with Smithers.
February 4, 2009 2:16 PM | Reply | Permalink
Dear Colleague :
Next best thing - a transcript from snpp.com
The episode is from the first season : episode title is "Last Temptation of Homer"
Back at the power plant, Smithers and Burns discuss what to do now.
Smithers: Sir, we'll need a new dangerous emissions supervisor.
Burns: Yes, well find someone cheap! It's been a very lean year for us...[glances at Smithers and smiles]
Together: Money fight!
[They throw stacks of cash at one another, grunting and
giggling]
February 4, 2009 5:59 PM | Reply | Permalink
"If I didn't pay [bonuses], the people were going to go .... These people didn't choose to cure cancer. These people didn't choose to do public service work .... These people chose to make money." [Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric]
There is definitely something wrong when the goal of making money is laid out as diametrically opposed to curing cancer or public service work. I would suggest that if they are care takers of any tuype of fund, then they are in a public service sector, for which they could be well paid for their service, but it has to be good service. Let the losers go!We have 300 million people in this country. Someone else will step up and fill the position. Hey, if you do not give other people a chance, you never know if they had a better idea!
February 4, 2009 2:45 PM | Reply | Permalink
I just heard some guy ranting on MSNBC about how all the "talent" will leave with these caps. Isn't that the same talent that got us in this mess to begin with? Good riddance I say.
If there is any industry that needs a turn over of senior management, it is finance.
Plus they can still be compensated with stock so if they are really that talented, they should be happy with the deal considering where their shares are trading these days.
February 4, 2009 6:21 PM | Reply | Permalink
I kept taking Viagra and then, one time I got a horrendous seven hour bonus, and let me tell you, it sucked all the blood out of my head and I began to really detest poor people and desired that they die with no medical assistance and then I began to think of ways to cut the taxes of the rich by making the payroll taxes available for public projects that could be out sourced to my firms.
It just went down hill from there.
February 4, 2009 10:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
TheraP hit the nail right on the head. These CEOs have saved a TON of money. What good will it do to limit their compensation now?
And just limiting CEO and "top executive" compensation won't stop them from continuing to pay huge packages to top traders and bankers.
February 4, 2009 10:28 PM | Reply | Permalink