Why does TPM allow spammers?

Sinbad doesn't get it.

The votenic bot has got to go.

And that Matthew Weaver fella flogs his site in every post.  It's in poor taste.

Sinbad wants to know if self-promotion is a ban-able offense.  If not, be sure to check out my new film, Cuttin Da Mustard!

Today, with great enthusiasm, I announce my full support and endorsement of the candidacy of Senator Barack Obama.  He is an honest and decent man who has captured the imagination of the American people.  Additionally, this is a man who knows definitively whether we should eat here, or at the next place.  "The next place," he told me this morning as I informed him of my decision, "has tacos."

That is enough for me.

Now let me say something about my great friends, the Clintons.  First of all, my great affection and admiration for Senator Clinton and her husband will never waver.  Deep in the heart of battle, pinned down by sniper fire, I relied on nothing so much as the bravery of JJR and HRC to rescue me from harm and guarantee the preservation of my life.  I owe them both my loyalty.  I do not, however, owe them my vote.

Do not think that this is easy for me.  I planned on calling and informing the Clintons of my decision myself, but lately their phones have been busy, and I couldn't get through.  I left a message last night, but just in case they didn't get it, this is what I said: "Hey, I'm endorsing Obama."

Barack Obama has impressed me in other ways.  When others called for him to abandon his mentor and minister, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, for making incendiary statements, Obama stood by his side and defended him.  That's the kind of leadership I want.  I know that I've made some pretty sill things in my life, like that time in First Kid when I said, "I ain't skated since I was a kid, and back then I had a pizza face. Now I got a great big pizza face!"  Truly an insult to acne-riddled children everywhere, and a comment for which I'm eternally ashamed.

Friends, the time for hostilities has passed.  You can put away your flak jackets.  The greeting ceremony will go ahead as scheduled.

Now is the time for unity.

JJR, I know that you and HRC fought together on the battlefield at Tuzla.  She has proven herself a worthy soldier, and a fierce warrior, and though you owe her your life, you do not owe her your support.  I encourage you to support Senator Obama.

Mark Penn, I understand that you work for HRC, that she owes you large sums of money which have yet to be paid to you, and that you have been a loyal adviser to the Clintons for many years.  Indeed, your endorsement of Obama would come as a great surprise - it would be seen as a perplexing and disloyal act of political convenience.  In that light, it would be hard to sell you on the idea.  But let me put it to you another way:  if Obama were to suddenly start winning the microdemographic of microtrend-obsessed pollsters with comb-overs, would that not be a clear sign of momentum for Obama?  I daresay it would.

Friends, countrymen, and fake avatars, lend me your ears.  Today is the day we coalesce behind Senator Obama and begin working together to defeat John McCain in the fall.

I have no doubt that if Senator Obama begins winning the support of fake avatars all across this country, victory will be his, and ours, in November.

Dear Friend,

Have you noticed the pattern?

Every time Fake Sinbad’s campaign demonstrates its strength and resilience, people start to suggest that hey, maybe the guy with the silly name and hammer pants and no chance of winning should end his pursuit of the Democratic nomination.

Those anxious to force Fake Sinbad to the sidelines aren't doing it because they think he’s going to lose the upcoming primaries. The fact is, they're reading the same polls he is, and they know he’s in a position to win.

A position to win your hearts.

In three days, Fake Sinbad faces a critical March filing deadline -- another chance to show the strength of his campaign. Fake Sinbad isn’t sure what the filing deadline is for, but he does know this: Fake Sinbad is not going to simply step aside. You and Fake Sinbad are going to keep fighting for what you believe in, and at the end of the day, America is going to win.  What it wins is still anybody’s guess.  But my guess is that America will win one of those really big stuffed bears that you get at the fair that falls apart after a few days.

The fact remains: millions of voters are still waiting to have their say. Let's make sure they have a chance to be heard – for starters, open mic night is this Tuesday, and be sure to get there early because last time we had a few people who signed up late and didn’t make it on stage.

Finally, there have been some of you who have wondered where I have been these last 10 years.  After the success of such family friendly friends as Jingle All the Way and First Kid, you ask: "Where did you go, Fake Sinbad?"

Friends, it was in those times when you needed Fake Sinbad the most that he carried you.  If you couldn't feel him holding you up, it was probably because he slipped a mickey in your drink.

And in times like this, with everything on the line, it means so much to Fake Sinbad to know that Fake Sinbad can rely on you to meet the challenges that we as a country face head-on.

Thank you for everything,

Fake Sinbad

Sinbad/Clinton ’08 – We're not gonna lie: we REALLY need some money

Things sure do have a way of coming full circle, don't they?  A few weeks ago, I, fake Sinbad, pleaded with the staff of TPM to do a story about my trip to Bosnia with Hillary and Sheryl Crow.  Admittedly, I exaggerated the effects of our efforts, claiming to have "solved the refugee crisis in Kosovo."  Well, sue me.  I misspoke.

Unfortunately for TPM, they did not heed Sinbad's advice.  The Washington Post, no fools they, picked up on what they sensed would be a groundbreaking story and contacted Sinbad independently.  Recently, the mainstream media has jumped in on the fun, and have spent the last few days pillaging their march/1996/bosnia video vaults, showing the world the Truth with a capital T.  Meanwhile TPM stood idly by, watching passively as the media - in their eyes nothing more than a sophomoric mob - clamored to give the America people what they truly wanted, what they truly deserved - a Sinbad story.  But not TPM.  No, they were too cool for school.  Too cool for Sinbad.

As if such words could possibly be strung together.  Too cool for Sinbad.  It doesn't even make sense.  Not a lick.  Gibberish for all I care.

But then an amazing thing happened.  Sinbad contacted TPM.  THE Sinbad.

So the question now before us is not, "will we eat here or at the next place?" (by the way, real Sinbad - great line!).  No, the question becomes: what will TPM do?  Will they coordinate and film and loose upon the American public an exclusive interview with Sinbad?  Real Sinbad, in all his real glory?

Surely something must be in the works.  Perhaps Sinbad has agreed to an interview if TPM first pays a $10 cover and promises to buy 2 drinks and bring a few friends.  We've all been there.  We feel you, Sinbad.

Well, it's time to do something more than just feel Sinbad, TPM.  It's time to turn that feeling into action - time to reach out, and give Sinbad some love.

Sinbad needs your love.  Fake Sinbad can't put it any more sincerely than that.  America wants this to happen.  America has wanted this happen since Sinbad's first role as Byron Lightfoot on "The Redd Foxx Show."

It's time to move past the divisions of this primary season.  It's time for real Sinbad and fake Sinbad to come together.  It's time to feel good to be an American again.

E Pluribusinbad Unum - Out of many Sinbads, One

Real Sinbad/Fake Sinbad '08 - Just a ridiculous amount of Sinbad, and you've got to love that

I've had people come up to me and say, "Hey, I really wish I could vote for you and Senator Clinton both."  Well maybe they can.  It would be a dream ticket.  An unstoppable force.

I could win urban voters, voters with large earrings, voters who wear parachute pants, and Senator Clinton could win rural voters.  I know that I'm ready to lead this country.  For too long we've had presidents unable to avoid sniper fire.

Not this time.

Earlier in this campaign I railed against TPM for not digging into the Bosnia story a little.  I begged them to put it on their front page.  Well, what are you going to do?  TPM could have made the big time with this story.  CBS, NBC, NYTimes, everybody was running with the sniper story yesterday.  Look, sometimes you try to be nice to people, you give them everything, and what do they do?  They turn around and stab you in the back.  Judas.

I know that in the past I've been critical of Senator Clinton.  Well, I misspoke.  I was sleep-deprived.  I had just finished a marathon stand-up session at the Laughapalooza Festival in Topeka.  Things come out wrong.  I'm sorry.  She's a good lady.  She sort of doesn't "get" black people, but that's okay.  We'll make a good team.  Politics is all about "Necessary Roughness."  We'll do well in the general, I know it.

Democrats, the choice is yours.  2008 is slipping away.  We need to finally come together and put this brutal primary election behind us.  It could be our year.  Dream Ticket.  Ready on Day One.  Solutions.  Sniper Fire.  Eating Here or at the Next Place.  Houseguest.

Senator Clinton, I admire you.  You're a courageous, honorable, sort of weird lady.  And today I'm proud to formally announce that I, Sinbad, hereby publicly offer you the opportunity to be my running mate.  Let's make history, Senator.  Take my hand and join me.  Together we will change this nation, together we will - OH GOD, HEAD DOWN, HEAD DOWN, JESUS CHRIST THE SNIPERS ARE EVERYWH----

Sinbad/Clinton '08 - One is a comedian, the other is Sinbad

TPM:  Sinbad TRIED to give you the opportunity to lead with this story, but nooooooo, you were too busy posting poll numbers and cut-and-pasting campaign memos.  So Sinbad said screw you, TPM!  I'm taking my story somewhere else - THE WASHINGTON POST!

A few choice quotes from me, Sinbad!:

In an interview with the Sleuth Monday, he said the "scariest" part of
the trip was wondering where he'd eat next. "I think the only 'red-phone' moment was: 'Do we eat here or at the next place.'"

In her Iowa stump speech, Clinton also said, "We used to say in the White House that if a place is too dangerous, too small or too poor, send the First Lady."

Say what? As Sinbad put it: "What kind of president would say, 'Hey, man, I can't go 'cause I might get shot so I'm going to send my wife...oh, and take a guitar player and a comedian with you.'"

TPM, you had your chance and you blew it!

Sinbad doesn't need you!  Sinbad will get his message out on his own!

Sinbad is back in the spotlight, baby!

Clinton/Sinbad '08 - DO WE EAT HERE OR AT THE NEXT PLACE!?!?!!

Sinbad wants to know: where is the love, TPM? A day after the world is made aware that I, Sinbad, have crossed the Commander-In-Chief threshold of foreign policy experience, you give me - what else? NO LOVE!

Look, maybe Sinbad was too angry or aggressive in his post yesterday. Sinbad knows from his experience solving the refugee crisis in Kosovo with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton that anger is never a good way to commence negotiations.

So here's what Sinbad is going to do. Sinbad is going to sweet-talk your pleated goddamn Dockers off. And Sinbad is pretty damn sure that you're going to like it. How does Sinbad know this? Because I'm Sinbad, and you are not. Because I, Sinbad, pass the Commander-in-Chief threshold and YOU. DO. NOT.

TPM, Sinbad usually likes the coverage that you provide in terms of elections and politics and so on and so forth. But lately you've been slipping. And don't think that it's because Sinbad's a partisan looking for good press for Sinbad's gal or guy - let it never be said that all Sinbad cares about is finally getting a brother to step to the White House. Come on, you know Sinbad better than that! Sinbad's got mad love for both Clinton and Obama. Sinbad's not looking to get into the game of who is or is not the rightful heir to sit upon the throne of the presidency and finally wear her tiara of power, and who is or is not the young, charming, hard-working black person who should get in line behind that other person as that other person's VP.

Sinbad just doesn't want to GO THERE. Sinbad knows that down that path leads trouble. Sinbad knows all about taking a wrong turn on the path that is thing we call LIFE. Remember Necessary Roughness? Yeah, neither does anybody else. You see Sinbad's point.

Look, Sinbad's getting off-track. Sinbad is even starting to confuse Sinbad. Basically, Sinbad doesn't want you to think that his goal is to get in the middle of all of this election nonsense. Sinbad wants one thing and one thing only:

DO A FRONT PAGE STORY ABOUT ME!

You don't get it, do you? Sinbad's been forced to do really bush-league crap like Cuttin Da Mustard and Slacker Cats. Sinbad needs to get back IN THE SPOTLIGHT!

SO DO A FREAKING STORY DETAILING HOW I - SINBAD! - OPENED THE BORDERS OF KOSOVO!!

I passed the Commander-in-Chief threshold! I risked my life to bring the funny! I wore my most glittery Hammer pants! I was the body guard of the President's son in the film First Kid! I got an eraser-top haircut with those fade lines in the sides!

WHY ARE YOU SITTING ON THIS STORY? THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS THAT SINBAD AND HILLARY DID IN KOSOVO!

Please, give Sinbad some love. Rec this story up, people!

Sinbad NEEDS YOUR LOVE!!

Look, Sinbad's been getting a bad rap lately.  Yes, I went to Kosovo with Sheryl Crow and Hillary.  Yes we rocked it out for troops.  And may I say that yes, I certainly did bring the funny.  So where's the love?  All I hear are jokes about the fact that Hillary arrived with me, and that we were only there for a day.  So what?  The funny knows no time limits.  The funny just <i>is.</>

What I want to know is this: WTF, Talking Points Memo?  You guys seem to be running stories straight from the Clinton camp's daily conference call.  Finally I get my name back in the news and I'm sitting here asking myself: where is the love?  Sinbad's been trying to get back in the spotlight for ten years, and now that people are starting to look into the fact that Hillary isn't being as truthful about foreign policy experience as she lets on, you guys SIT ON IT!!  What's the deal!  Give Sinbad some love!  Throw me a BONE here!

Look, facts are facts.  So let's look at them.  Sinbad risked his neck in Kosovo.  Sinbad saved his best jokes for the troops.  Sinbad got a kick-ass haircut.  Sinbad wore his best Karl Kani shirt.  Those are just FACTS.

So, PLEASE.  Let's finally see some reporting about Hillary's trip to Kosovo.  What did it entail?  What was Sheryl Crow's responsibility?  And most importantly:

DID SINBAD ROCK THE HOUSE OR WHAT!