Today, with great enthusiasm, I announce my full support and endorsement of the candidacy of Senator Barack Obama.  He is an honest and decent man who has captured the imagination of the American people.  Additionally, this is a man who knows definitively whether we should eat here, or at the next place.  "The next place," he told me this morning as I informed him of my decision, "has tacos."

That is enough for me.

Now let me say something about my great friends, the Clintons.  First of all, my great affection and admiration for Senator Clinton and her husband will never waver.  Deep in the heart of battle, pinned down by sniper fire, I relied on nothing so much as the bravery of JJR and HRC to rescue me from harm and guarantee the preservation of my life.  I owe them both my loyalty.  I do not, however, owe them my vote.

Do not think that this is easy for me.  I planned on calling and informing the Clintons of my decision myself, but lately their phones have been busy, and I couldn't get through.  I left a message last night, but just in case they didn't get it, this is what I said: "Hey, I'm endorsing Obama."

Barack Obama has impressed me in other ways.  When others called for him to abandon his mentor and minister, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, for making incendiary statements, Obama stood by his side and defended him.  That's the kind of leadership I want.  I know that I've made some pretty sill things in my life, like that time in First Kid when I said, "I ain't skated since I was a kid, and back then I had a pizza face. Now I got a great big pizza face!"  Truly an insult to acne-riddled children everywhere, and a comment for which I'm eternally ashamed.

Friends, the time for hostilities has passed.  You can put away your flak jackets.  The greeting ceremony will go ahead as scheduled.

Now is the time for unity.

JJR, I know that you and HRC fought together on the battlefield at Tuzla.  She has proven herself a worthy soldier, and a fierce warrior, and though you owe her your life, you do not owe her your support.  I encourage you to support Senator Obama.

Mark Penn, I understand that you work for HRC, that she owes you large sums of money which have yet to be paid to you, and that you have been a loyal adviser to the Clintons for many years.  Indeed, your endorsement of Obama would come as a great surprise - it would be seen as a perplexing and disloyal act of political convenience.  In that light, it would be hard to sell you on the idea.  But let me put it to you another way:  if Obama were to suddenly start winning the microdemographic of microtrend-obsessed pollsters with comb-overs, would that not be a clear sign of momentum for Obama?  I daresay it would.

Friends, countrymen, and fake avatars, lend me your ears.  Today is the day we coalesce behind Senator Obama and begin working together to defeat John McCain in the fall.

I have no doubt that if Senator Obama begins winning the support of fake avatars all across this country, victory will be his, and ours, in November.