Why are all closet homosexuals in the Republican Party? Or YABAN.
In his definitive lefty blog, Quinn the Esqimo Rocks: HOW TO BLOG GOOOOOD, dickday invites us to blog about nothing and even hands out titles for the nothing to be about. So here is Yet Another Blog About Nothing that asks the question we all care about: Why are all closet homosexuals in the Republican Party?
I'm so glad you asked. You see, the Republican practice of closet homosexuality goes back to the 1950's when an inventory of closets revealed the likes of J. Edgar Hoover, Whittaker Chambers and Roy Cohn, for starters. Many others have joined their Republican anti-communist comrades in the closets since that time and what with the Republican respect for tradition and so forth, closets have been reserved for Republican homosexuals ever since.
But think about it. Where else would you expect Republicans to keep their homosexuality? Should they keep it in the dining room breakfront right next to their wedding china? The answer is no, because obviously there is no room for homosexuality in there amongst the 16 gravy boats that nobody ever uses. And it is a well known fact among interior decorators that china and homosexuality don't match and should never be placed side by side.
By now you are probably wondering about the garage. It is true that the garage has certain advantages over a closet. For one thing, it is usually large enough so they can practice their tap-dancing moves, which are catchy little toe taps that some homosexuals use when they take their homosexuality out of the closet for exercise. Unfortunately, tap dancing requires so much concentration that the homosexual is in danger of getting run over by a car entering the garage, especially if the car is driven by the homosexual's spouse when the 11 PM news happens to catch their homosexual husband exercising his hang-ups.
The living room is out because that's where Republicans keep their family and moral values. They like to drape them all over the couches and chairs in the living room so they can better protect them from lefty intruders with their 2nd Amendment guns. Of course, because homosexuals tend to practice their homosexuality more than their target practicing, they usually end up shooting the neighbor's dog or their own foot first. It should also be noted that there is no recorded, or unrecorded, case of lefty assaults on family and moral values except in the unconscious minds and blogs of Republicans.
So why are the closeted homosexuals only in the Republican party? Sociologists and certain members of the lefty blogging community have puzzled over this conundrum ever since the birth of Zeusandra the Queer in 9000 B.C. The only thing I can figure is that Democrats don't have hang-ups in the closet. They just throw their stuff all over the bedroom or where ever and leave it out in the open for all to see and someone else to pick up. But you are free to form your own opinion on that subject.
As a member of the International Tap Association, and a guy who occassionally enjoys popping off a few rounds with semi-automatic weapons, I feel a little like collateral damage in a drive-by here. Just let me say that we at the ITA welcome members of all sexual orientations, and kindly request you check your weapons at the door.
May 5, 2009 6:21 PM | Reply | Permalink
Are those tap dancing shoes you are wearing in your avatar, miguelitoh2o? Very clever disguise, I think.
May 5, 2009 6:35 PM | Reply | Permalink
Hey Seashell. Great. Just what I wanted. You and Flower are the first. hahahaha
I think about that poor preacher who had his own tv show--local but picked up all over the country. Caught with the masseuse.
Oh just a slip, he says. Then he is in some sort of Jesus rehab.
Zeusandra is pretty good. REALLY GOOD!!!HAHAHAHAHA
May 5, 2009 6:28 PM | Reply | Permalink
Those Jesus rehabs are hard on closets, dd. Not enough hangars for all the participants and their masseuses. Mark Foley has all the details, if not the hangars, I hear.
May 5, 2009 6:37 PM | Reply | Permalink
You and Quinn do good works! But I have to ask a question - where is it that Republicans hide their homosexuality when they're out, just not to the people who vote for them? Example, Aaron Schock. Totally out to his friends in Peoria, but they all vote Dem, so it doesn't matter. The elderly Republicans who DO vote for him have no idea that there is no Mrs. Schock in the future...so, where is he storing his homosexuality? At the gay bar? Is that just an extension of the closet?
May 6, 2009 9:49 AM | Reply | Permalink
The elderly Republicans who DO vote for him have no idea that there is no Mrs. Schock in the future...so, where is he storing his homosexuality? At the gay bar? Is that just an extension of the closet?
I'm so glad you asked, burnedout. If the elderly Republicans believe he is just stopping in for some lemonade, then yes, the gay bar is an extension of the closet. Closeted homosexual Republicans love closets that also serve refreshments!
May 6, 2009 1:48 PM | Reply | Permalink
Gosh, I didn't know Tom Cruise was a republican.
May 5, 2009 6:35 PM | Reply | Permalink
Tom Cruise is probably a Republican, Saladin. However, he has also been diagnosed with a very serious disease, newly identified by the AMA. It's called "jump the couch."
May 5, 2009 7:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
wot? why - you found Tom in your closet?!
May 5, 2009 7:51 PM | Reply | Permalink
I'm still looking for my shoes... or whatever they were... I forgot what I'm looking for. But thanks to this blog, I will try the closets!
May 5, 2009 6:36 PM | Reply | Permalink
No, TheraP. You are a Democrat and don't use closets. Try looking under the bed for whatever it is you are looking for. Or even in the bed. Of course, now I can't remember what you are looking for, either.
May 5, 2009 6:40 PM | Reply | Permalink
We have no "under the bed" - as there are drawers. But in the bed... Ok, I will check. And thanks for saving me from looking in the closet!
Pray tell, dear sheashell, what should be done with our already existing closets?
Your sage advice is sincerely solicited.
May 5, 2009 6:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
Nobody has ever accused me of being a closet expert, TheraP. So my sage advice would be to add some basil and rosemary and firmly close the doors.
Hope this helps!
May 5, 2009 11:18 PM | Reply | Permalink
Basel and Rosemary. And firmly close the door. That sounds like just the ticket! I'm going to follow your sage advice. I think it non-closet expert is just what's needed.
And thanks to you, dear seashell, I have found the meaning of life! I owe my undying gratitude to you, just as dd does.
You're a savior, my dear! ;)
May 6, 2009 8:45 AM | Reply | Permalink
Oops, sorry: Basil!
I apologize to Basel, whoever you may be...
May 6, 2009 8:46 AM | Reply | Permalink
Just be sure when consiering sage advice that the advisory does not include Sage, although lavender would be lovely.
May 6, 2009 1:53 PM | Reply | Permalink
Now you've got me wondering seashell - I've got a closet but I keep all my clothes piled up on my corner chair. What does that mean? Am I just an armchair closet homosexual...?!
May 5, 2009 7:37 PM | Reply | Permalink
NOOOOOO, Obey. Clothes piled up on the corner chair makes you a Democrat. Please see last paragraph regarding habits of Democrats.
However, have you checked your closet lately for any Republican homosexuals that may have tap danced into the wrong house?
May 5, 2009 7:47 PM | Reply | Permalink
Now, seashell. Zeusandra the Queer was not born in 9000 B.C. It is a well known FACT that humans were not around until about 4000 B.C., so you are off by 5000 years. If you keep spreading this false information, people are gonna get wrong ideas and cause all kinds of problems in the future.
:o)
May 5, 2009 7:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
hahahahaha
May 5, 2009 8:42 PM | Reply | Permalink
Geesh, flowerchild. That Birds and Blooms stuff you read certainly covers a lot of territory.
OK, in the interest of not spreading false rumors, Zeusandra the Queer was born in 4000 B.C. He must lied about his age in the "Born in the Closet" book I read.
May 5, 2009 11:10 PM | Reply | Permalink
I am ascared of the closet
May 5, 2009 9:41 PM | Reply | Permalink
It is scary in there. Spent half my life in the dark. (Never a Repub though). But oh…to come out and breathe. Lalalalalalalalala
And you know what they say about queers like me. “You must be a Democrat!”
May 5, 2009 10:52 PM | Reply | Permalink
I luvs all Democrats, closeted or un-closeted. They tend to live real family and moral values, not just preach them like the closeted Republican hypocrites.
May 5, 2009 11:14 PM | Reply | Permalink
luv yous too! Thanks, seashell.
LOL blogs today around this ole Cafe. And I'm proud to be a Dem!
May 5, 2009 11:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
The only closet I maintain is the one in which I hide my fear and loathing of technology. As a queer software engineer I only have time and energy to maintain one avenue of self-hate at a time. Is ther a camp I can go to that will fix my technophobia so I can live as a free and happy man again?
May 6, 2009 11:59 AM | Reply | Permalink
My dear Closet-
It's clear that Jezus rehab will not fix your technophobia. However, may I point out that just by virtue of your commenting in this digital community Cafe that your technophobia is out of the closet?
Welcome to the freedom of Democratic air and light!
May 6, 2009 1:34 PM | Reply | Permalink
And yet I am still encumbered by this screen name, a prisoner of my own TPM identity. Oh when can it end?
May 6, 2009 3:10 PM | Reply | Permalink
Dear Closet - well, your expertise as a software engineer would come in handy on this issue. As you know, we can't change our nom de plumes without losing our history. I'd be willing to bet that you could tweak a bit of code to fix that problem, and then viola, or something, your issue is fixed and you would be ExClosetLuddite.
May 6, 2009 3:59 PM | Reply | Permalink
Wait a minute! Isn’t there a whole new hip-hop Grand ole PARTY out there doing that already!?!
May 6, 2009 5:12 PM | Reply | Permalink
Naw. That was yesterday, Strato. Today they're into Pizza Parlors.
May 6, 2009 5:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
Man, that Stewart knows how to sell pizza! Makes me hunger for more...DEMOCRATS in high places with prosecuting authority.
May 6, 2009 6:37 PM | Reply | Permalink
Oh, Closetluddy…Techno music might help.
Computeraphobia has caused so many problems with society. But there are places for people like us. I assume you are correct here, out in the luddite-light. For comfort, remember it all is just a series of tubes…
DJ Ted Stevens Techno Remix: "A Series of Tubes"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtOoQFa5ug8
May 6, 2009 4:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
Too funny! Now I have to hustle to get dinner done. I spent the last hour messing around on youtube listening to trance. Thanks a lot! ;-)
May 6, 2009 5:53 PM | Reply | Permalink
oops, now I'm in the Trance! Thanks so much.
http://www.di.fm/trance/
I will try to awaken in time for dinner. I haven't yet tried tap dancing to it.
May 6, 2009 6:45 PM | Reply | Permalink
If you are a software engineer then you know that multi-tasking is a fraud. It is all time slicing. So set all your priorities to the same value; you will love the way it makes your hard drive thrash as it tries to spool off tasks and load others. All of this makes your system idle time go way up as it waits on all that I/O. Queer or straight we all call these wait states “party time.”
May 6, 2009 5:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
"Thrashing" I think we called that. More time spent context switching than in task execution. I suffer from higher-priority lockout and will be in the garage playing with my old Chevy auf immer.
"vacation" suits me :-)
May 6, 2009 5:57 PM | Reply | Permalink
The old mainframes were so much more like humans. They had smart peripherals that could run tasks without using CPU time. Like us they can pee and think at the same time. Desktop PC's can't do that.
May 6, 2009 6:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
If your closets look like mine, you have good reason to be ascared, bwak. Lawrence of Arabia couldn't get through my closets and come out alive.
May 5, 2009 11:16 PM | Reply | Permalink
Also.
Although, I wouldn't mind having a Larry in my closet for emergencies.
This blog amused me greatly. Thank you, Seashell
=D
May 5, 2009 11:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
Being a broom I have spent most of my life in a closet. It is home to me. Then some human comes along, Bwak for example, grabs me, squeezes me, drags me around the house, and pushes me into all manner of odd positions. Eventually she tires of this and puts me back in the closet. I see no purpose in this except selfish pleasure since it accomplished nothing lasting and will happen again and again and again. I prefer the solitude of my closet where I can reflect on the meaning of life and other weighty subjects.
Oh yes and only Democratic humans do this to me. I have never been so much as touched by a Republican.
May 6, 2009 8:24 AM | Reply | Permalink
Larry, I invite you to consider life in an unfinished attic, where there are no closets. Perhaps you need a break. A place where a broom can rest - a place without walls, without doors, a nice, airy, unfinished place... where you can contemplate the meaning of life without being bumped around. At least for a while.
I love your avatar. But we need to help you break out the broom box!
May 6, 2009 8:43 AM | Reply | Permalink
Dear Larry, Wot? You should consider yourself privileged to be pushed around by bwak. And may I point out that bwak is a chicken, not a human. And chickens like their coops well swept.
But as a Democratic chicken, she probably leaves her eggs lying around all over the place. Sweep carefully, please!
May 6, 2009 1:41 PM | Reply | Permalink
She may be a chicken but she treats me the same way humans do, even to the point of correcting my grammar and syntax. And you are right about her leaving her eggs all over the place. It makes my work here very stressful.
May 6, 2009 5:20 PM | Reply | Permalink
=(
It won't happen again.
May 7, 2009 7:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
Is all pleasure selfish? If so, why?
May 7, 2009 7:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
Now let's be fair. Not all Republicans keep their homosexuals or homosexuality in their closets - those desiring more space move into the deep woods and live in log cabins (The Log Cabin Republicans). They maintain themselves in isolation for those who deny homosexuals exist (or want to run over them with a truck and those who keep tidy closets) for Republican hunting and fishing expeditions. VP Cheney showed how well those "canned" hunts work, and what good "shots" Republicans are on their adventures into the woods.
May 5, 2009 10:58 PM | Reply | Permalink
hahahahahahaha. I know about Log Cabiners as it were
I had a Law Professor who was one. I just had no idea what that meant until twenty years later. He always came back from winter vacation withthis fine tan.
I just thought he was a metrosexual.
Great little rant there Rowan, hahahahaah
May 5, 2009 11:03 PM | Reply | Permalink
Hmm... I believe that this was likely long before there were metrosexuals. 8-)
May 6, 2009 5:15 PM | Reply | Permalink
Great blog, seashell. This could almost be a horror movie. I was considering doing something about republicans, closets, and skeletons but I can't seem to find the aunt in the basement. I need a new skeleton key.
May 6, 2009 1:21 AM | Reply | Permalink
Dear Don - Look under the bed. As a Democrat it is possible that you will find either the aunt or the key under there.
Good luck!
May 6, 2009 1:52 PM | Reply | Permalink
Ummm... what does a walk in closet represent... a community closet... room for really big egos?
I just wondered because I am not a republican but I do have a walk in closet. Actually its a walk-through closet... If you pass through it, it leads to a bathroom and further on a storage room that also serves as a bomb shelter/panic room... wow I might need closet therapy... and I am not a homosexual but I am a closet Enigma fan.
May 6, 2009 5:19 AM | Reply | Permalink
Dear Synch - You are a Democrat, which is good enough for me. However, your problems go beyond my abilities, so I highly encourage you to consult with TheraP, who seems to have resolved her closet problems here.
May 6, 2009 1:57 PM | Reply | Permalink
I just saw this trailer from magnolia pictures. Its the same folks that did the documentary"No End in Sight". This one is called "outRAGE". It is about how many secretly homosexual Republican lawmakers are using our legislative system to hypocritically fight their own internal sexual conflicts, while at the same time living a double life.
http://www.moviejungle.com/headlines/templates/templatemjnews3.aspx?articleid=2145&zoneid=1
I haven't seen it yet, but it looks interesting.
May 6, 2009 10:12 AM | Reply | Permalink
Ohhhh - GREAT catch, mage! This movie explains all.
May 6, 2009 2:03 PM | Reply | Permalink
Actually, they do not care whether it gets picked up or not, but the Republicans are all asbout picking up other people's dirty laundry. A Dem might pick it up, but only if it fits. Whether it actually smells bad may or may not be a deterrent depending on the frame of mind in that moment.
May 6, 2009 1:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
You are so right, GZ! Airing the Democrats dirty laundry is a Republican specialty. The problem is that their own laundry is always so much dirtier.
Thank you for that clarification.
May 6, 2009 2:06 PM | Reply | Permalink
Ummm, am I on Candid Camera or something? You have just described my bed room, and my living room and my desk at work...
May 6, 2009 2:44 PM | Reply | Permalink
Not that there was ever any doubt, dij, but this is further proof of your Democraticness, which according to my spell checker is a totally new word.
We all celebrate with you the freedom of stuff to be stuff, thrown around and out in the open!
May 6, 2009 3:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
I once was in the closet. It was a harrowing experience for me, but not as much as for my Dad, who always warned me of the dangers involved. Though claustraphobic, he still paints them occasionally. But I told him that after being locked in there, I would thenceforth remove all closets from any house I set foot in.
Once I served my time, they let me out. Then, I began writing books on how to avoid the closet issue, entitled: "You and Your Closet: How To Avoid Problems."
May 23, 2009 2:02 AM | Reply | Permalink