Dear Abby,

Three months ago my wife and I took Uncle Sam into our home, and we really didn't have much choice at the time, when he appeared on our doorstep with a couple of suitcases and a BarcaLounger in the back of a taxi.

Since then Uncle Sam has constantly "organized" our lives, as he calls it, mainly to accomodate his schedule of daytime soap operas and old movies on the Fox Movie Channel, and since last month his girlfriend Ida also resides with us. She "helps" us raise our children, who were just a bunch of loud-mouthed brats, according to her, until she enforced total silence during Uncle Sam's TV hours, which last most of the day and night.

Now Uncle Sam wants to move in his second girlfriend, Lucy, because "straightening us out" is too much work for him and Ida. Lucy has a rap-sheet as long as your arm, with a couple of homicides on it, but Uncle Sam says her victims "had it coming."

I try to believe that Uncle Sam has good intentions, but my wife is dubious. What should we do?

"Confused in Kandahar"

Dear Confused,

I think Lucy is probably a wonderful person after so much prison re-hab, and your children can learn a lot from Fox movies. Don't be so selfish! You should treasure your sexy Uncle, and a BarcaLounger is a beautiful addition to any home.