When North Korea's "Dear Leader" Kim Jong-il gave control of the State Security Department to his youngest son, Kim Jong-un, just a few weeks ago, Korea-watchers more or less unanimously agreed that the succession of leadership in the DPRK had been decided.

This could be very good news, but...

Nobody really has the least idea, because the sort of reporters who would have the sort of contacts to develop a story about the personality of Kim Jong-un no longer exist, and our own "intelligence" apparatus is staffed by clowns in white socks who can barely make contact with a wall, if they lower their pointy little heads and run at it from a distance of three feet.

Like so many other sons and daughters of kings, billionaires, and dictators, Kim Jong-un attended the International School of Berne in Switzerland, which currently accepts children as young as 3 years old and shepherds them through all three stages of the International Baccalaureate.

Next stop, Harvard or Pyongyang.

Dozens of kids will have interacted or roomed with Kim Jong-un at ISBerne, and since gossip is even more popular than polo among the hobbies of the ultra-rich, there's significant and theoretically accessible info embedded somewhere in all those royal brains, but we won't get at it, because the profession of "society reporter" now belongs to ten thousand freaky little bloggers, and none of them knows anybody.

So we're left with incomprehensible sources, like Kenji Fujimoto, an ex-cook in the Kim Jong household...

(Kim Jong-un) has superb physical gifts, is a big drinker and never admits defeat.

This makes him sound like a head-banging soccer-yob from Belfast, or... what? Some kind of muscle-bound meatball, eager to hurl every missile in his father's tiny arsenal at Honolulu, Seoul, and Seattle, until the entire Pacific Rim has been incinerated.

"We're winning! Pass the booze, and let's shoot some hoops!"

This is probably the scenario to bet on, if you can find a sucker dumb enough to bet against it, but we may not even get that far, since Kim Jong-il still running the show in North Korea, and that guy is dying fast. The roly-poly dictator of just a few years ago is now a shrunken old man, and isn't he just the kind of megalomaniac to take us all with him, when he goes?

Kim Jong-il has already exploded an atomic bomb as big as the "Little Boy" which destroyed Hiroshima in 1945! (This was a one-day story in the American press.)

Now Kim Jong-il is threatening to launch a long-range Taepodong-2 missile (which can carry an atomic bomb) at Hawaii next week! (This was a one-day story in the American press.)

What to do? You may be surprised to learn that there's a very simple answer.

North Korea has been offering to scrap its nuclear-weapons program in return for a "non-aggression pact" ever since 2003, but the brain-dead morons who ruled American foreign policy from 2003 to 2008 were too absurdly stupid to accept this beautiful deal, and now Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are still too absurdly stupid to give a half-crazy, dying dictator one piece of paper before he launches a long-range missile at Hawaii!

So if you're listening, Hillary and Barry...

Give Kim Jong-il the fucking paper!

And you might as well throw in a little something for the heir-apparent, too, and I may have just the ticket, because our estimable ex-cook and sole source about Kim Jong-un, Kenji Fujimoto claims the kid really loves basketball, plays all the time, and after every game...

Jong-un would then gather up his teammates and, like a coach, analyze the game they just played: "You should have passed the ball to this guy, you should have shot it then."

So invite Kim Jong-un to Washington, put him on a basketball court with Barack Obama, Michael Jordon, and Kobe Bryant, and let him talk about coaching with Phil Jackson, and make him very, very happy, because...

A little basketball and one piece of paper is cheaper than nuclear war.