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Telecom Companies Get Immunity, Congress Gets Free iPhones

2008-06-25T19:40:28Z

Telecom Companies Get Wiretap Immunity

Congress To Get Free iPhones, Extra Minutes

Richieville News Service-WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a striking victory for President Bush, the House of Representatives on Friday passed a bill that would give telecommunications companies immunity for their participation in the administration's warrentless wiretapping program. In return, each member of Congress will receive one of the new generation of Apple iPhones.

Some Democrats bitterly opposed the measure, saying the companies had broken the law and violated a fundamental constitutional right to privacy. But in the end, the promise of the sleek new phone, which has the ability to take advantage of the latest high speed wireless technology, proved irresistible to the 105 Democrats who joined with Republicans to pass the bill.

"This baby is so cool," said Democratic majority leader Rep. Steny Hoyer of Maryland as he showed off his shiny, black 8 gigabyte iPhone. "Yes, AT&T took part in an illegal program to eavesdrop on Americans without a court order, aiding the Bush administration's assault on our basic civil liberties, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, but did you know this has GPS? You want directions to the nearest Starbuck's?"

Rep. Rahm Emmanuel of Illinois was equally excited about the possibilities. "It's true that with this bill there will be absolutely no accountability for six years in which major telecommunications companies aided in illegal spying on American citizens," said the congressman, who unlike Mr. Hoyer had chosen a white case for his phone. "But with this new 3G technology, I can use my iPhone in Europe or Asia. Look how fast it downloads my Facebook page."

The bill, which expands the government's ability to listen to domestic conversations without a court order, now moves to the Senate. Some senators expressed disappointment with the House version and appeared to be holding out for new Blackberrys. But leaders of both parties expressed confidence that the holdouts would come around, thanks to the iPhone's remarkably easy-to-use touch screen.

Members of both houses of Congress were given 500 extra "anytime" minutes and two-year contracts at $40 a month for basic voice services plus an additional $20 to $30 a month depending on the data features selected. The contracts include a $200 penalty for early termination, but AT&T said the company would waive that fee if a member had to resign due to scandal, indictment or to spend more time with his family.

Obama's Boomer Problem - He's Younger Than They Are

2008-06-17T13:00:04Z

(fake news from www.richieville.com)

Richieville News Service - BERKELEY, CA

The campaign of Senator Barack Obama, having only just secured the Democratic presidential nomination, suffered an unexpected setback today when millions of baby boomers simultaneously came to the same frightening realization – the next president of the United States might be younger than they are. This historic possibility threatens to erode the Democrat's support among a demographic seen as crucial to his victory in November - members of the 60's generation who refuse to come to grips with their age.

The reaction of Bernie Schwartz, U of C Berkeley class of '68, was typical. "I was all for the first woman president, " he said, as he listened to the local NPR station on the radio of his Volvo wagon. "And the first black man? Far out! But younger than me? That's too much change. Are you sure?"

At age 46, Senator Obama is indeed younger than members of the baby boom generation, born in the years following World War II. Having come of age protesting older authority figures, these former flower children now face the terrifying prospect of being older than those in authority.

"I just don't understand it," said Alison Johnston, 56, sobbing quietly into her latte at the Starbuck's across the street from her yoga class. Ms. Johnston was at Woodstock in 1969 when Senator Obama was seven years old. "The president is like, old, right? So if he's old and he's younger than me, that means I must be...," Her voice trailed off, seemingly incapable of finishing the sentence.

Other boomers, like Russell Keller, 59, tried to take a more defiant attitude. "So Obama is 46," he said, while handing the keys to his Prius to his 19-year-old son Free, a freshman at U of C Berkeley. "I'm still as young as I was when I protested Richard Nixon." When told that when he took office in 1969, Richard Nixon was 56 years old, Mr. Keller could only stare off into the middle distance. "I should have voted for Hillary," he remarked bitterly. "At least she's 60."

Strategists for Senator McCain's campaign were quick to seize on Mr. Obama's perceived weakness with ex-hippies and former acid heads. They believe the Republican's age, once seen as a liability, might become a selling point with liberals in mourning for their lost youth.

"We're telling these former summer of love, bra burning, pot smoking long hairs that John McCain represents their last chance to feel like angry teenagers," said senior McCain advisor Charlie Black. "Electing McCain guarantees them at least four more years before they have to face their own mortality. Let's see Obama top that!"

For its part, the Obama campaign was not taking this new development lightly. "All you old folks are voting for McCain," said David Axelrod, the 53-year-old Obama advisor. "All us cool young people are voting for Barack Obama. If you want to be a cool young person, and I mean, really, really, really young, then vote for Barack Obama!"

Disney Imagineers Called In To Animate McCain

2008-06-08T22:13:02Z

(from richieville.com)
McCain's Speechmaking Panned by Pundits Disney Imagineers Plan Emergency Upgrade
Richieville News Service – BURBANK, CA
Following John McCain's widely-panned performance in a speech given last Tuesday in Kenner, Louisiana, Republican strategists have called in engineers from Walt Disney Productions for what is being termed an "emergency upgrade," to the candidate's public speaking abilities.

The Disney Imagineers, as they are called, are known for their innovative designs of theme park rides and attractions, including audio-animatronic figures of Abraham Lincoln and other American presidents. A team of the special effects wizards was being flown to McCain headquarters in Washington, where they planned to give the presumptive Republican nominee a, "more life-like" appearance.
"It's a challenge, for sure," said Stephen McGuire, one of the Imagineers, as helped load several tons of computers and robotic parts onto a chartered Boeing C-135 cargo plane. "But we're up for it. I don't know if we can get him as animated as our Grover Cleveland, but we're sure going to give it a hell of a try."

McCai, In New Orleans, Proposes Hurricane Defense Shield

2008-06-06T19:31:20Z

(from my fake news blog, www.richieville.com)

Richieville News Service – KENNER, LA

Seeking to distance himself even further from George Bush, Senator John McCain delivered a major address here today and vowed that the mistakes made in response to the destruction of hurricane Katrina would not be repeated under his administration. The candidate went on to propose a multi-billion dollar hurricane defense system consisting of long-range missile installations around the Gulf Coast and Caribbean. The system would, as the senator put it,"fight hurricanes and other low pressure systems and never give up, not ever."
It was not immediately clear how missiles armed with multiple warheads would be an effective defense against hurricanes or if the countries of the area, several of whom have strained relations with the U.S, would agree to the placement of the weapons on their territory.

Martin P. Thackery, a climatologist with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, was asked if such a system would be useful in stopping or at least mitigating the effects of massive tropical storms. He replied. "No." Other climate experts seemed to be in agreement with his assessment of the senator's plan.
In spite of this, Senator McCain vowed to press on with his plan, saying, "The only way to oppose force is with force. My opponent will tell you we can't win the fight against hurricanes like Katrina, that it's time to surrender. But I can look you straight in the eye and tell you this will work. And I plan to keep at it, even if it takes a hundred years."

In Act Of Penance, NY Times Reporters Climb Building

2008-06-06T16:44:25Z

(Reposted from my fake news blog www.richieville.com)
Richieville News Service, NEW YORK, NY The New York City Police announced today that contrary to earlier reports, the two men who scaled the outside of the 52-story New York Times skyscraper in Manhattan were not publicity-hungry thrill seekers. Instead they were the first of a group of Times staffers who are climbing the building as an act of penance for their failure to challenge the Bush administration's rationale for the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Today, other groups of current and former reporter-penitents were engaged in similar symbolic acts of contrition.

"We just feel so guilty," said former reporter Judith Miller as she dangled by her fingertips from the building's exterior curtain twenty-seven floors above Eighth Avenue. Ms. Miller was the author of several front page Times stories that made the administration's case for the war. She struggled to talk as she inched her way up the side of the building. "I know that my propagandistic cheerleading paved the way for the biggest foreign policy disaster in U.S. history. I'm hoping this will purge me of the terrible feelings of self-reproach that have plagued my every waking moment since then."
Down at street level, columnist Thomas Friedman readied himself to begin his own ascent of the building. He paused with his hands on the horizontal ceramic rods that form a ready-made ladder for those seeking to expiate their sins.

"I've been trying to run away from my sense of shame with all this, 'the Earth is flat,' nonsense," he said, referring to his recent book about globalization. "I thought if I changed the topic I could erase the memory of my self-indulgent and intellectually dishonest efforts to give a liberal cover to what was really just a naked act of aggression. Alas, no. I only hope climbing this building without a safety harness will finally give my soul some peace."

Times publisher Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr. an avid climber, waited his turn behind Mr. Friedman. "Maybe it was the McClellan book," he said, explaining the sudden urge for repentance. He was referring to former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan, whose recent book accuses the press of being too soft on him. "When a weasel like Scott McClellan accuses you of being a weak, ineffectual lap dog, then you really start doing some self-examination."
The dramatic act of atonement, with dozens of reporters, editors, publishers, fact-checkers and proofreaders all waiting their turn to climb the sides of the building, seemed to have pricked the conscience of journalists in other media outlets. Blocks away, at Rockefeller Center, anchor Brian Williams was explaining his decision to wear a hairshirt during all future broadcasts of the NBC Evening News.

"Climbing a building feels a little lacking in the proper humility to me," he explained. "Sackcloth and ashes or a hairshirt, something that induces quiet and constant suffering, that's the way I hope to remind myself of our terrible failure to tell the American people the truth."
Meanwhile. at CNN headquarters in Atlanta, Wolf Blitzer spoke in favor of self-flagellation. "Mortification of the flesh is the only way to go," he said, as he tested the heft of several different whips and scourges. "I must feel pain to atone for the pain I have inflicted." However, Mr. Blitzer did express a wish that the period of mortification, penance and contrition not last too long. "I want to get through this so I can get back to reporting," he said, selecting a heavy birch branch. "I'm doing a piece on John McCain - he's such a maverick."

NASA Finds Osama Bin Laden On Mars

2008-06-02T19:00:02Z

Asks For $1 Trillion To Go Get Him
reposted from www.richieville.com
Richieville News Service – PASADENA, CA
NASA scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory made the startling announcement today that the Phoenix Mars lander, sent to find evidence of life on the red planet, had instead found the terrorist leader Osama bin Laden. The agency immediately submitted a request to Congress for a one trillion dollar budget increase so the al-Qaida mastermind could be brought to justice.

"Yeah, we found him, we really did," said Phoenix team leader Dr. Edward Li. "I know it's hard to believe, but he's there. And NASA won't rest until we can send a team of astronauts to Mars to get him."

Physicists and astronomers not associated with the space agency voiced skepticism that the Islamic extremist could be on Mars, which even at its closest, is still 35 million miles away from his suspected hiding place in western Pakistan. Dr. Li said NASA scientists could not explain how Mr. bin Laden got to Mars or how he manages to survive in the planet's harsh conditions, but he said they were confident he was there.

"Sure, we're sure," he stated at a press conference here. "It's hard to make out in these photos, but we think he's just behind those rocks on the right. Oh, he's there all right. And we're going to get him. All we need is like, a trillion bucks. Heck, we could do it for nine hundred billion. Don't you guys remember 9/11?"

One trillion dollars would be 57 times greater than the agency's current annual budget of 17. 6 billion. A jump of that size would be welcomed by fans and supporters of space exploration who have felt that NASA has been severely underfunded in recent years. But Dr. Li insisted the emergency appropriation was a matter of national security.

"Back in 2004, President Bush promised we would send astronauts to the Moon and to Mars," he reminded reporters. "Then he forgot all about it. I guess the exploration of the cosmos and the search for life on other planets and the origin of everything in existence just isn't that important to some people. But it's important now, isn't it? Oh, yeah, we're going to Mars, baby!"

Meanwhile, Connie McGill, Superintendent of the Detroit public school system, announced that the hunted terrorist ringleader was hiding in one of the city's elementary schools.

"We know he's in one of them," Ms. McGill said in a statement to the press. "We just don't know which one. But we're going to find him and we don't need one trillion dollars, either. If I could get about three hundred million to hire some more teachers and fix a few roofs, I'm sure we can kill or capture that cold-blooded murdering bastard."

In Matawan, New Jersey, Robert Hernandez, an official with the New Jersey Division of Parks and Forestry, called a hasty press conference to tell reporters that Mr. bin Laden had been discovered in nearby Cheesequake State Park.

"He' s out on the 1.5 mile nature loop," the excited park ranger told reporters gathered in the parking lot by the restrooms. "All I need is six thousand bucks and some donated lumber and I can fix the trail enough so we can haul that rat out of whatever hole he's hiding in and exterminate him. Oh, yeah, 9/11."
Dr. Li of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory quickly responded to these competing reports, stating that the space agency was absolutely sure they had located the one and only Osama bin Laden.
"Did I say nine hundred billion?" he said in a follow-up phone interview. "We don't really need that much. How about like, three hundred fifty? Two hundred? It's not for space exploration, it's for the war on terror! A hundred twenty-five? Even if we don't find him, we'll bring back some nice rocks, I promise. Please?"

Treasury To Redesign Bills, Poor To Get Their Own Currency

2008-05-28T16:12:00Z

(this is from my fake news blog, www.richieville.com)

Richieville News Service - Washington, D.C.
The Treasury Department today announced plans for a complete redesign of U.S. currency, creating a separate class of money to be used exclusively by the nation's poor. Treasury officials said the new poor people's currency would include features meant to, "enhance the money-owning experience." The decision followed last week's federal courtruling ordering a redesign of the currency to add features to help the visually impaired.
"We realized that the poverty-stricken also have special monetary needs," explained Felix G. Moynihan, of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. "For example, a lot of them have less money than rich people. So we thought maybe we could figure out ways they could get more enjoyment out of the few dollars they do have. Like, we could print them in really bright colors, or run a comic strip on the back."
Other entertainment features envisioned for the new bills include holographic, three-dimensional photos of movie stars or sports legends and embedded sound chips like those found in some greeting cards. The chips would be programmed to tell a joke or play a snippet of pop music every time the bill was withdrawn from a wallet or purse.
"Imagine you want to buy a gallon of milk that costs four dollars and you only have three," the Treasury spokesman said. "Having singing money will really take the sting out of that." He added that the Treasury was also in talks with Apple Computer about the feasibility of downloading music or television shows directly into dollar bills. One drawback to the scheme is the fact that the cost of the download might be more than the value of the bill itself.
Mr. Moynihan said that the higher costs of printing bills with these features could be offset by selling advertising on the currency or through sponsorship deals. For example, the five dollar bill could become the Microsoft five dollar bill. However, he stressed that Abraham Lincoln's picture would remain on the bill regardless of the sponsor.
He also revealed that the department was considering another set of currency designed for the nation's wealthy. Unlike the somewhat gaudy bills envisioned for the poor, the rich people's currency would be small, unobtrusive and printed in tastefully muted shades of gray. There would be no denomination markings, following the principle that if you have to ask, you probably can't afford it. The bills would also be printed with special codes making them immune to taxes.

"Right now we spend so much of our time trying to re-jigger the tax code to keep the wealthy from paying their share," Mr. Moynihan explained. "Giving them tax-free money will save us a lot of headaches, let me tell you."
Some critics of the design plans said there was a danger that the poor would become too attached to their new bills and not want to spend them, but Mr. Moynihan disagreed. "We think the poor will still have incentives to spend, like for instance, hunger and the need for shelter."

As for the idea, advanced by some, that the currency needs of the poor could best be met by giving them more of it, the Treasury spokesman had this to say, "The problem of poor people having less money is very complex, we don't want to just throw money at it."

Israel Talks To Syria, Loses Jewish Vote

2008-05-23T21:10:53Z

(reposted from my blog www.richieville.com)

Richieville News Service – BOYNTON BEACH, FL
In retirement communities and delicatessens here and across this state, Jewish voters expressed grave reservations over the news that Israel was engaged in peace talks with Syria. This raised the possibility that Israel might be losing the support of one of its core constituencies, Jews.
"They're talking to terrorists!" said Bernie Kupferstein, 74, as he leaned on his shuffleboard stick at the Aberdeen Country Club. "I can't believe Israel would betray Israel like that."
At Izzie's Genuine New York Deli, in Boca Raton, Shirley Goldenfarb, 83, shared Mr. Kuperferstein's sentiments. "It seems like Israel doesn't have Israel's interests at heart," she said, vigorously waving her bagel with a schmear. "And to think of all the trees I paid for over there. Appeasers! Feh!"

Maury Lefkowitz, 91, nodded in agreement. "I heard that Turbowitz is a Muslim," he said, grimacing over his plate of cheese blintzes, "like Obama."He was referring to Yoram Turbowitz, one Israel's chief negotiators in the talks. Mr. Turbowitz is Jewish. Senator Barack Obama is a Christian.
The reaction was much the same across Florida, where elderly Jews, usually stalwart supporters of the Jewish state, echoed the words of President Bush, who just last week made a speech to the Israeli parliament, comparing those who would talk to "terrorists and radicals" to the politicians who appeased Hitler before World War II. It is now clear that Mr. Bush knew of the peace talks at that time.
At Century Village, Fanny Glembotski, 98, was so distraught over the idea of negotiating with the government of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, she could hardly concentrate on her cards as she played casino with her friend, Goldie Mintz, 103.
"Turgeman is an Arab," she stated with assurance. "Everyone at the synagogue says so." She was referring to Shalom Turgeman, foreign policy advisor to Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert.

"And Olmert is a Palestinian," added Mrs. Mintz.

Sheila Blumenstein, 114, disagreed with Mrs. Mintz. "Don't be stupid, Olmert's not a Palestinian," she said emphatically. "He's friends with that Reverend Wright."
"You don't say?" replied Mrs. Mintz. "It figures."

Both Mr. Turgeman and Mr. Olmert are Jewish and neither has any association with Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

In Jerusalem, members of Mr. Olmert's government braced themselves for the inevitable onslaught of criticism not just from Jewish senior citizens but from the Bush administration, which had actively opposed any contacts with Syria.

"We know we let down George Bush and John McCain," said one high level Israeli government official, speaking off the record. "And we know they're both going to make major speeches attacking us. And what about Fox News? They're going to eviscerate us, every hour on the hour, 24/7. But what can we do? We're just weak."

The official expressed confidence that Jews would eventually come around to supporting Israel, but for the time being, Mrs. Blumenstein and her friends were having none of it.

"And that appeaser Lieberman, he goes to the same church as Farrakhan," she insisted. When told that that Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam, does not attend a church and that he has no ties with Senator Joseph Lieberman, who is Jewish, she was genuinely surprised.

"Really?" said Mrs. Blumenstein, who turned 115 during the writing of this report, "he doesn't look Jewish."

Mass Homesickness Strikes GOP

2008-05-23T02:25:01Z

Families' Reactions Mixed

New Slogan May Be Cure
(reposted from my fake news blog www.richieville.com)
Richieville News Service – Washington, D.C. Doctors and psychiatrists from Walter Reed Hospital descended on Capitol Hill today, searching for the cause of a growing epidemic of homesickness that has struck Republican lawmakers. By some counts, at least thirty GOP representatives have decided not to run for reelection this fall, saying unanimously that they wanted to, "spend more time with their families."
"We think it may be some form of avian flu," said Dr. James McNaughton, a specialist in infectious disease. "Or perhaps it's a case of mass hysteria. It's just not normal for so many grown men to suddenly have an overwhelming urge to be home with their wives and families."

For weeks, stories have circulated of crying, sobbing Republicans wandering the halls of Congress clutching teddy bears and asking for their mommies, but these rumors remained unconfirmed until now. The presence of teams of therapists with piles of blankies and mugs of hot cocoa in the Rayburn Congressional Office Building seemed to corroborate the accounts.

Reaction from the politicians' families to the impending homecomings was decidedly mixed. Faced with the prospect of having her husband home seven days a week, one congressional spouse, who asked to have her name withheld, remarked, "He's totally bungled the war in Afghanistan, led us into a disaster in Iraq, screwed up the economy and almost destroyed the Constitution. You think he's going to be much help around the house?"
New Slogan - "We're To Blame" Meanwhile, GOP leaders worked furiously to find a cure for the epidemic, placing their hopes on efforts to "rebrand" their beleaguered party. Officials said they were confident their new slogan, "We're To Blame," would do the trick.
The new catch phrase replaces the one adopted just last week, "The Change You Deserve," which had to be discarded because it was already being used by the anti-depressant medication Effexor XR. Over the past few days, party operatives worked through several alternatives, including, "Nobody's Perfect", "Third Time's A Charm", "It Can't Get Any Worse" and the short but memorable, "Oops!"
Republican National Committee chair Mike Duncan said "We're To Blame" was consistent with conservative values. "We screwed up the country beyond all recognition, and now the Democrats, in typical liberal fashion, want to bail us out, just like they want to bail out people who took sub-prime mortgages, or the folks who made the mistake of getting sick without health insurance. But we don't think the American people are going to let us off that easy. We're to blame and so it's up to us to stick around and clean up our own mess. That's the American way, isn't it?"
Mr. Duncan conceded that a new slogan by itself might not cure the mysterious wave of homesickness striking GOP members of Congress, but he said the RNC had a backup plan. "We hear this stuff Effexor XR works really well. We're working on a sponsorship deal with them right now."

Arctic Drilling Continues – Polar Bears To Get a Cut

2008-05-22T19:05:08Z

(reposted from www.richieville.com)
Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne sought to answer critics of expanded drilling in Arctic wilderness areas by announcing a new oil revenue profit-sharing plan. The plan, to go into effect May 21, mandates that 1.5 percent of all proceeds from Alaska North Shore oil sales be deposited into an account under the name, "polar bears."
"This plan gives the bears a financial stake in the further exploitation of their habitat," Mr. Kempthorne said in a statement released today. "We get to plunder the environment for oil and they get a steady flow of cash. It's a win-win situation."

Although just last week polar bears were put under the protection of the Endangered Species Act, Secretary Kempthorne said that the act does not prevent further development of the bears' habitat. In fact, his department recently opened up 30 million acres of Arctic wilderness for exploratory drilling.

"There are some who say the only way to save polar bears is by stopping global climate change, including the burning of fossil fuels like oil," the secretary's statement concluded. "These elitists want to force their environmental do-goodism on the bears and dictate how their habitat should be used. Our plan lets the bears decide. For example, they could use the profits to move to a colder climate or buy air conditioners. The money is theirs to do with as they want. All they have to do to collect is go to the nearest bank and show some form of government-issued ID."

Strapped For Cash, McCain Starts Psychic Hotline

2008-05-21T20:40:50Z

(This fake news story is reposted from my blog, www.richieville.com)
Unable to compete with the Obama fundraising juggernaut, and facing a serious money disadvantage in the general election, Senator John McCain announced today that he was starting a psychic hotline service. McCain campaign manager Rick Davis announced the new fundraising scheme in a statement to the press.

"Last week, Senator McCain told the world of his predictions for the year 2013," Mr. Davis told reporters at McCain headquarters in Arlington, Va. "Now members of the general public can take advantage of these same psychic powers to help guide them in their personal lives."
Mr. Davis was referring to the senator's recent ad in which he predicted multiple events that would occur in the year 2013, including the stabilization of the Middle East, the reduction of the threat of nuclear terror and and the advancement of energy independence. In a speech last week he also prophesied that the war in Iraq would be over at that time.
"Thanks to his extraordinary ability to travel through dimensions in the astral plane, Senator McCain can see into the future," Mr. Davis asserted. "Now, with the McCain Psychic Hotline, John McCain will use his soothsaying powers to see into your future. For only $1.50 a minute, the future president will help you make crucial decisions that can affect your lifelong happiness. Should you get married? Should you take that new job? Should you take out a subprime mortgage? Which Middle East country should you invade? John McCain has the answers to all these and more. To hear the future all you have to do is call 866 675-2008."

Hamas Endorses Idol's David Archuleta

2008-05-16T23:17:16Z

Extremist Islamic Group Thinks Singer is "Dreamy"
Effect On Idol Voting Unclear
(this is reposted from my fake news blog, www.richieville.com)
Richieville News Service –GAZA
Pundits of the right and left, along with music industry executives and several million teenage girls, clashed today over what appeared to be an endorsement of American Idol contestant David Archuleta by the radical Islamic organization Hamas. The disputed remarks came at the end of a press conference given by Hamas spokesman Ahmed Yousef, when he digressed from his comments about the latest round of violence between Israel and Palestinians to say, "I really like David Archuleta. I hope he wins."
Later, in response to an unrelated question, Mr. Yousef returned to the subject, exclaiming, "Yo! Yo! Check it out! Randy's right - that boy can sing the phone book, dawg!" He was referring to one of the three judges on the televised singing contest, record producer Randy Jackson.
Mr. Archuleta, when told of the comments by the Hamas spokesman, giggled uncontrollably for several minutes and then said earnestly. "I am just so happy to be here. This is like a dream come true."
Meanwhile, fans of the other finalist, David Cook, suggested that a vote for Archuleta would be a vote for terror. Tiffany Shuler, age 13, of White Plains, New York, issued a statement on behalf of herself, and her best friends forever, Amber Waletsky and Shawnia James. "David Archuleta is an appeaser and as we learned from the example of Neville Chamberlain surrendering the Sudetenland to Hitler in 1938, appeasement does not work. Plus, David Cook is like, so totally hot! He rocks!"
Producers of the talent show went out of their way to stress that Mr. Archuleta had not sought out the endorsement of the extremist group, saying that, "David Archuleta has absolutely no connection with any form of state-sponsored terrorism and in fact does not even know where Israel and Palestine are on the map."
The controversy over Mr. Yousef's remarks threatened to overshadow the war of words set off by his previous statements expressing a preference for Senator Barack Obama in the U.S. presidential elections. There was some speculation that the Islamic fundamentalist group was, in fact, trying to frighten voters away from Mr. Archuleta by tying him closely to a group that the U.S. has declared a terrorist organization. This line of reasoning is based on rumors that the Hamas leadership, like Ms. Shuler, has come to the conclusion that Mr. Cook does indeed, "rock."
Mr. Yousef concluded the press conference by also indicating Hamas' preferences for Dancing With The Stars and the Tony Awards. "If Kristi doesn't win, we're going to be very upset," he said. "I mean, did you see her tango last week?" In the Tonys, he said Hamas favors Xanadu, adding, "We just like kitsch, what can I say?" He also expressed the group's pleasure at Whitney's being named America's Next Top Model.
Whatever his motivation, the Hamas spokesman seemed genuine in his admiration for the American Idol show. "One reason we might consider peace talks is so we can all go to Hollywood for a taping. It would be great to meet Ryan and Paula and Randy. We dig them all so much. Except for Simon. He's mean."

Bush Threatens War With Sweden

2008-05-16T03:30:28Z

(Reposted from my fake news blog, www.richieville.com)

Richieville News Service – JERUSALEM

With the clock ticking on his presidency and frustrated with the slow pace of Mideast peace negotiations, President George Bush today threatened to invade Sweden if he was not immediately awarded theNobel Prize.
"I'm a peace maker," he said, speaking to reporters here on the first leg of his five-day, three-country Middle East trip. "Peace makers make peace. That's what they do. And then they get one of those noble prizes on account of how noble they been. Well, where's my prize?"

Mr. Bush went on to say that he had already brought peace, democracy and freedom to Iraq. "That alone ought to get me a prize. I mean, Al Goregot one just for a stupid slide show. Plus, climate change wasn't even real when he made that thing. It was just a lucky guess. I tell you, if the Supreme Court gave out these noble prizes, I'd have about six of 'em by now."

The President expressed his displeasure with the fact that chances for a quick peace accord seem dim. "When I was here back in January, I told you people that there was going to be peace before I left office in 2009. Well, what about it? It just don't seem like anyone has been doing anything to make that happen. Don't you people have any consideration for me? Don't you know I'm the President?"

Mr. Bush dismissed the recent fighting in Lebanon, the worst in decades, as inconsequential. "Birth pangs of democracy," he said, in a folksy twang. "That's what you get when you give birth. You get pangs. You give birth, then you get pangs. Birth – pangs. You see what I'm talking about?"
He then repeated his intention of launching a military attack on Sweden. "They got my prize and if they don't send it over, well, we're just going to have to go get it. And if those peaceniks try to resist, I say, 'Bring it on.'" A reporter pointed out that an attack on Sweden might be futile since theNobel Peace Prize is awarded in the neighboring country of Norway.

"Sweden, Norway, Sunni, Shia – whatever," the President shrugged. "As long as I get to bring that trophy back to my ranch." He then concluded with an impassioned call for peace. "I gotta have peace somewhere, anywhere, and I only got seven more months to get it. You people better get your act together. That's not asking too much, is it? All I am saying, is give me a chance!"

Polygamists Condemn Rep. Fosella

2008-05-13T15:16:45Z

Only Cheated On One Wife
(This is reposted from my fake news blog, www.richieville.com)
Richieville News Service – HILDALE, UT
In harsh and often scathing language, leaders of a fundamentalist Mormon sect here ridiculed the extramarital affair of Congressman Vito J. Fossella (R-NY), calling him a "pantywaist" who did not deserve the title of adulterer.
"Fossella cheated on his wife with another woman," said Rulon Weevil, a leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter-Day Saints or FLDS. Mr. Weevil addressed reporters outside the gates of the 2,000 acre Road to Zion compound. "You call that infidelity? Why, we got one guy who cheated on his 18 wives here with 21 wives over in Texas. Or was that 21 wives here and 18 in Texas? I forget. Hell, we don't even begin counting until you're cheating on seven or eight women at the same time."
He was referring to FLDS member Wendell Nielsen, whose multiple infidelities came to light after raids on an FLDS compound in Eldorado, Texas.
By contrast, Congressman Fossella, a member of the House of Representatives from Staten Island, New York, recently admitted to having a three-year relationship with retired Air Force lieutenant colonel Laura Fay. Fossella, who has three children with his wife, also fathered a child with Ms. Fay. Mr. Nielsen has 35 children with his wives in Texas and 28 with his wives in Utah, or possibly 28 in Texas and 35 in Utah.
"Not only did all of Neilsen's wives forgive him," Mr. Weevil continued proudly, "they have all agreed to stand next to him at a press conference, as soon as we can find a room big enough."
"All of those politicians are the same," Mr. Weevil said in conclusion. "Vitter, Sherwood, Gingrich, McCain, Craig, Spitzer, Paterson, Condit, McGreevey, Miller, Scarborough, Burton, Barr, Hyde – all of 'em - they all cheated on just one measley wife. They ought to be ashamed."

Pentagon to Rebuild Iraq - In U.S.

2008-05-12T19:38:54Z

Theme Park Planned for Washington, Not Baghdad

(this is reposted from my blog www.richieville.com )Richieville News Service– WASHINGTON, D.C. The Pentagon confirmed today that it had indeed commissioned plans for a $5 billion Iraqi- themed resort but said the site of the proposed development was Washington, D.C., not Baghdad. "We said we were going to rebuild Iraq, and that's what we're going to do," said Maj. General George Stanley, commander of the Army Corp of Engineers' theme park division. "We're just not going to rebuild it in Iraq." Iraqiland, the name of the new luxury resort and amusement park, will rise on the site of East Potomac Park, a spit of land in the Potomac River, not far from the Jefferson Memorial. It will include family-oriented, Iraqi-themed rides such as "Topple the Statue," "Pirates of Blackwater," and "You Stand Up, I'll Sit Down." The plans for the development were first reported in the British newspaper The Guardian which said, apparently erroneously, that a golf course, shopping malls, a luxury hotel and skateboard ramps were to be built inside Baghdad's Green Zone. "Of course we're not building it there," scoffed General Stanley. "Have you seen Baghdad lately? It looks like a war zone."
The general said the Army had rejected earlier plans to divide the park into areas called Shialand, Sunniworld, Kurdistan and Sadr City, after finding that those names were already taken. They settled instead on Democracyland, Freedomworld and Oilville. "Iraqiland will give Americans the chance to experience Iraq the way it should be experienced," the general stated. "In Iraqiland you'll be able to visit the tourist shop bazaar without armed guards and find weapons of mass destruction whenever you look for them. And you'll always be greeted as a liberator." He added that another benefit of the Washington site was that electricity would be available for the rides more than three hours a day. He said he expected the theme park to be especially popular with high-ranking members of the current administration.
"I understand the President and Vice President have both bought season passes," he said. He added that he hoped that visiting the park would ease the process of transition for them when they left office next year. Construction on the park is to begin immediately, as soon as no-bid contracts can be awarded to Halliburton and KBR. Although the $5 billion price tag might seem high, the general said the public should rest assured it would not be a drain on taxpayers. "Oh, it will pay for itself, we're sure of it."