Getting Over It
Was feeling sorry for myself earlier;
am over that shit for a while;
could be a whole lot worse;
but i still hurt
Sweet Jane
Cowboy Junkies' Version
original by Lou ReedAnyone who's ever had a heart
Wouldn't turn around and break it
And anyone who's ever played a part
Wouldn't turn around and hate itSweet Jane, sweet Jane
Sweet, sweet Jane
You're waiting
For Jimmy down in the alley
Waiting there
For him to come back home
Waiting down on the corner
And thinking of ways
To get back homeSweet Jane, sweet Jane
Sweet, sweet Jane
Anyone who's ever had a dream
Anyone who's ever played a part
Anyone who's ever been lonely
And anyone who's ever split apartSweet Jane, sweet Jane
Sweet, sweet Jane
Heavenly widened roses
Seem to whisper to me
When you smile
Heavenly widened roses
Seem to whisper to me
When you smileLa la la la, la la la,
Sweet Jane
Sweet, sweet Jane
and for the purists:
I do not have the words to express the effect that you have had on me over the last couple months and especially the last two weeks. For some reason.
GOD I HOPE THIS WORKS OUT AND YOU REMAIN AMONG THE LIVING.
You have spilled your guts out at times; you were so sick you could barely type; and this hope has been creeping into your writings lately.
Thank you is about all I can say.
October 13, 2009 1:37 PM | Reply | Permalink
dick; do not sell yourself short here. you were one i came to in the throes of madness, and you embraced me as friend, even as i admitted my evil. for this i am greatly indebted.
i believe i'm beating this, but we are all naught but mortal in the end. we are all going to die. even if this cancer manages to take me down, understand this clearly, friend; it won't beat me alone, prostrate on a bathroom floor. i got to fight with my boots on, and face it on my terms with dignity.
you aided me in getting to this point.
will peace;
but keep your cartridges dry.
pca
October 13, 2009 4:41 PM | Reply | Permalink
Getting over it, and getting better. That's what we want to see, Cy.
And I love Sweet Jane.
October 13, 2009 4:00 PM | Reply | Permalink
thanks for the support you've given me in the last month or so Lis. this would have been unbearable without family and friends.
October 13, 2009 4:44 PM | Reply | Permalink
I am but a stranger to you, but please know my heart goes out to you in your pain. I know a bit of what that is; after a point it has nothing to recommend it.
In her book, Gilda Radner asked her husband, Gene Wilder: "Honey, you know what's funny about cancer?"
"Nothing; absolutely nothing."
May I please send you my love and a huge chunk of healing thought? You seem to have such a strong life-force, even with such adversity.
October 13, 2009 5:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
thanks wendy.
i read some of your comments at TPM, btw. you don't seem so stranger-like to me, because of this.
October 13, 2009 5:09 PM | Reply | Permalink
Here's to savoring any "magic" you can find...and being able to shake the "caustic dreads"--
-Lou Reed, "Magic and Loss, The Summation" from Magic and Loss, 1992
October 13, 2009 6:04 PM | Reply | Permalink
AA,
that's very nice. thank-you. i was unaware of this. there is more to Lou Reed than one would expect from a rock and roll animal.
October 13, 2009 8:02 PM | Reply | Permalink
there is more to Lou Reed
Indeedy do. A diversion that I think you might enjoy--surfing a bit around his own website
http://www.loureed.com/
(not his record co. website)
to get an idea of how much so, and perhaps surfing a bit from there.
I am a big fan of the old Velvet Underground stuff on a personal level, like on a primal teenage level. But on a professional level, as to keeping up with the NYC artistic community, he has simply been someone to whom attention must be paid, over decades. He veered away from wanting to be just a big money rock star a long long time ago, left it behind, that is not him, but he has surely had a significant and very unusual artistic career, and when he has worked with someone like his wife or Phillip Glass or Delmore Schwarz, it has been intriguing to say the least.
The final track on "Magic and Loss," though, that I cam e across that going through something like you are going through with a close family member, and it really resonated with me, so I am glad you saw it the same way (was a bit afraid you might take it the wrong way.) I find it is just a relief in itself to find someone who really seems to understand, that you are not the first person thinking, experiencing certain things, that is a lot of what art is about.
P.S. Just came to mind you might also appreciate Susan Sontag's Illness as a Metaphor.
October 14, 2009 1:33 AM | Reply | Permalink
thanks for the link.
i've never much time with Sontag. (here's some west coast bias sticking through) i am presently wading through an extensive collection of Robinson Jeffers' poetry. seems to be a decent fit for my circumstances presently.
October 14, 2009 8:21 AM | Reply | Permalink
this blogger has a good short summary, and she's Nigerian, so you're getting pretty far from east coast hoity toity blather there. :-)
October 14, 2009 11:44 AM | Reply | Permalink
i should have been clearer; the bias crack was about Jeffers, no Sontag. after looking at that blog link, i realise that i am aware of the Sontag essay/speech; just didn't recognise from the title.
i'll reread it again, a bit later today.
October 14, 2009 12:37 PM | Reply | Permalink
You fight the good fight...
October 13, 2009 6:56 PM | Reply | Permalink
this is about the good fight OG. i'm glad you understand this.
for everyhuman
October 13, 2009 8:12 PM | Reply | Permalink
TWO fishes swimming in the sea,
Two birds flying in the air,
Two chisels on an anvil—maybe.
Beaten, hammered, laughing blue steel to each other—maybe.
Sure I would rather be a chisel with you than a fish.
Sure I would rather be a chisel with you than a bird.
Take these two chisel-pals, O God.
Take ‘em and beat ‘em, hammer ‘em, hear ‘em laugh.
--Sandburg
(hugs)
You are steel.
October 13, 2009 8:00 PM | Reply | Permalink
needing to be retempered, maybe...
October 13, 2009 8:07 PM | Reply | Permalink
Stainless--maybe.
Anything you need, I'll do my best to get it for you.
October 13, 2009 8:09 PM | Reply | Permalink
PCA, my reaction here is a desire to want to punch something ... get something out of your way ... just to show that I can pretend to be as strong as you have actually been in confronting this with teeth bared.
Yet, I'm helpless to be of any real assistance at all, other than to say I acknowledge the pain you express and I admire your ability to share the experience of this cancer with us when it is so obviously a repressingly personal assault.
Please take whatever strength and comfort we can offer, and otherwise know that we wish we could lighten your load in more effective fashion than even Sweet Jane. You're constantly in my thoughts.
October 13, 2009 8:10 PM | Reply | Permalink
SleepinJeezus - teeth bared is the way i've always fought. i am glad y'all helped me get to a standing position, where i could spit into the demons' eyes also.
thanks
October 13, 2009 9:20 PM | Reply | Permalink
Where is everyone?
October 13, 2009 8:39 PM | Reply | Permalink
PCA, the world needs fiery souls
We need you
October 13, 2009 9:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
the world needs
fire and water
mountains and valleys
winter,spring,summer and fall.
we need each other
to be whole
October 13, 2009 9:25 PM | Reply | Permalink
The true value of a human being can be found in the degree to which he has attained liberation from the self. Albert Einstein
C
October 13, 2009 9:37 PM | Reply | Permalink
cmaukonen, how can i respond to einstein?
it's 5am PST, and pain wakened me. i asked for, and received the med that scares me, cause it works so sweet, softly and effectively. it did not serve to liberate me from my soul.
(do not flog yourself 4 the choice of quote. it is right that i respond honestly, and even tho it may seem that way, wasn't a source of great consternation, just extra thoughts on a quiet wednesday morning-thanks)
October 14, 2009 8:15 AM | Reply | Permalink
Sending tender love and gentle smiles:)
October 13, 2009 10:14 PM | Reply | Permalink
love in return synchronicity
October 14, 2009 8:23 AM | Reply | Permalink
PCA - emotional setbacks are definitely allowed. Sometimes we need to fall back to fight forward. Personally I'm not that big on all the "positive thinking" hoo haw that seems so popular these days. I deal much better with reality than generating positivity (which I find wearying). But then that's me.
The part of the sweet jane song that speaks to me for the fight to health (and I do see it as a fundamental struggle) is
Trying to get to that health and wholeness really is a struggle to reclaim one's primary home - one's body. As we would struggle to save our home we need to struggle to save this private home.
As you have noted above, while these things are a private struggle, the support of others to figuratively and literally hold our psychic selves and physical hands is critically important. I too have found tremendous support and love from many here at the cafe. There are an amazing collection of incredible loving, generous, and wise folks here (yourself included friend).
You just keep fighting like a sun-of-a-gun. You can even fight dirty if you want. My thoughts are with you and I am sending along the virtual ray guns for reinforcement.
October 13, 2009 10:42 PM | Reply | Permalink
(and this here, bear)
October 13, 2009 10:45 PM | Reply | Permalink
"Beary" is still going after the honey bowl - bit greedy, but very loving. =D
October 13, 2009 11:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
rowan, you remind me of another friend, even as you surprise me with non-standard analysis.
kind of like a sesame street bit gone awry: one of these things is the same, and different; now go figure that, indolent child.
(i'm free....freefalling)
October 14, 2009 8:39 AM | Reply | Permalink
Ahh PCA, such a polite way to say off the wall. I know I am a bit on the wacky side - or so folks think. I do have a bit of a skewed approach to life and the world.
Regardless, I know the struggle you are going through takes every essence of fight in you. So latch those iron jaws onto whatever works for YOU.
October 14, 2009 4:58 PM | Reply | Permalink
Personally I'm not that big on all the "positive thinking" hoo haw that seems so popular these days. I deal much better with reality than generating positivity (which I find wearying). But then that's me.
Me too! It's just what I've gleaned from personal experience and anecdotals, but I think the whole power of positive thinking thing is too often veers into "blame the victim" and counterproductive. Like you, I also suspect a period of depression might actually be needed/necessary for some of those going through serious illness. Of course I have no proof, but I say neither do they. Many that spout that stuff overboard are being just as "pop pyschology" as I, they give mind over matter examples of swamis walking over hot coals--riiiight--so I figure they could be just as right or wrong as I. One thing I know for sure is that we don't know, that brain science is in infancy, except for starting to understand that not taking into account every individual's different chemical, hormonal and neurological makeup will get you counterproductive results as often as not.
(I also have a special hate for "blame the victim," because I've seen so many lazy doctors use it to cover their own lack of care and skill, both personally and with family and friends. Sometimes to very very serious detriment, i.e., basically telling someone presenting with chest pain, after ruling out angina, "if you'd lose some of that weight fatso you'd feel better," when in actuality it was peritonitis from diverticulitis that turned to sepsis because it wasn't caught in time. (Said person managed to survive, and cruel irony not only lost a ton of weight but most of their intestines, skinny but far from healthy.) It's also a favorite thing these days to dimiss every symptom a smoker has on smoking as the cause when I personally know several smokers who after being dismissed that way, finally found a doctor who actually helped them cure the particular problem without quitting smoking. Laziness, no interest in actually practicing medicine as the detective work it was meant to be, just drives me nuts...conversely, and when you find a good doctor who really loves to diagnose, they are worth their weight in gold.)
October 14, 2009 12:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
You probably won't see this, but you are right on with diagnosticians. They are few and far between and the majority of medical folks couldn't diagnosr their way out of a paper bag. Personally, I think this has gotten worse as increasing emphasis on specialization has a tendency to compartmentalize rather than systemitize finding answers.
October 14, 2009 4:54 PM | Reply | Permalink
this has gotten worse as increasing emphasis on specialization
Tis an inappropriate thread to get into any details on that, but I'd just like to say "absolutely" to that, and also that I think you don't need to be an expert health care system analyst to realize that, most anyone with a lot of experience using the system for crisis or chronic will eventually come to the same conclusion. (It's the main reason why the Mayo team system is so lauded, and why other countries are doing better than us on results and cost. We even know the main originator of the problem, it's the super secretive panel that set Medicare fee-for-service payments to physicians way back when Medicare was a new giant in the mix, with a big preference for specialists; thereafter, new doctors wanted to be specialists, and primary care diagnostics lost not just income level but prestige.)
October 15, 2009 4:35 PM | Reply | Permalink
Cy,
Like sleeping, I wish I could punch something. I wish you the absolute best.
Although not comparable, I would like to share my story. Last year, when I was going through a dramatic period of my personal life and was 'in the throes of madness' I found this site and distracted myself with rants on issues I believe in passionately but rarely voiced. At first the rants gave me a sense of small satisfaction. But the longer I stuck around here it was gradually replaced with a real sense of awe as I grew to see the community of anonymous pseudonyms were actually a group of kindhearted strangers brought together by a shared love of learning. You were one of those who early on engaged some of my early comments and posts (. You always had thought provoking links and excellent points, and Jesus did you have the research. You always had the research! I confess I loved the few flame wars I saw you engage in because you simply annihilated them, burying them in a flurry of citations and links. And I learned. I learned alot.
And I started to move on from my personal problems. TPM gave me a real sense of hope at a time when i had little.
You gave hope.
Fight.
(But I know you will fine, because you still owe me a data dump ;-)
October 14, 2009 1:04 AM | Reply | Permalink
start here:
antisocialmedia
deepcapture
October 14, 2009 1:55 AM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks for sharing.
October 14, 2009 10:35 AM | Reply | Permalink
I'll keep a good thought for you, PseudoCyAnts. You're one of the most imaginative and yet grounded writers anywhere on the internet, and I would miss you, if you were gone.
October 14, 2009 2:59 AM | Reply | Permalink
thank-you for the kind words
October 14, 2009 8:43 AM | Reply | Permalink
thank-you for the kind words
October 14, 2009 8:43 AM | Reply | Permalink
PCA, I'm relatively new around here and don't really know you yet but let me thank you for being so open and honest with us. You show remarkable strength and courage... you are an inspiration.
I regularly send you good vibes.
Get well soon.
October 14, 2009 9:25 AM | Reply | Permalink
do not fret about the time you been active at TPM; it is really irrelevant. have you found the members here unfriendly because you are a new member?
October 14, 2009 10:06 AM | Reply | Permalink
Nope. Quite the opposite, really.
I've been "new" to a couple of other boards and it was much more difficult (especially at RRMB) to wiggle my way into the mix.
I have to say this place has been pretty reasonable. That may be because I've grown up some along the way and now I know what not to do... (for one thing, I don't get into dick swinging contests... or "Liberal Kung Fu" fights... ...anymore... :) ) But I think most people here are pretty grown up themselves and it makes it easier.
October 14, 2009 10:09 AM | Reply | Permalink
PCA, I'm not a praying man, but you're in my thoughts these days.
Over the months I've been around TPM we haven't interacted much, but I've always had a lot of admiration for your input here, and hence for the man behind the words. Take care!
Thanks for the cowboy junkies. They were a big part of my formative years, and not having heard them for so many years, it brings back a flood memories of high-school beach campfires. Good times.
October 14, 2009 10:30 AM | Reply | Permalink
obey, we haven't interacted much over them months, because i have been sick since at least last january. for reasons i cannot even fathom now, i simply let myself become sicker and sicker for 9 months before seeking help. it's tough to engage in meaningful dialog when one is suppressing the pain from multiple back fractures. i figure at least three of those had hit me by March.
i was insane with pain for a time, and this is not an exaggeration.
October 14, 2009 11:10 AM | Reply | Permalink
Cyants.
:o)
Bah-zhig-wah-dee-zee
I do not believe I spelled it right, but it basically means, 'keep on keeping on'. Persistence.
October 14, 2009 11:18 AM | Reply | Permalink
i will flowerchild.
this journey is until the end.
i do not know why i forgot this.
October 14, 2009 11:25 AM | Reply | Permalink
The only thing that ever helps me through is humor.
I have never been insane with pain, although I have experienced a level of pain once that soaked me in sweat for hours and made me try to will myself into a coma (my powers of self-hypnosis are apparently not very good).
Here's something appropriately hard-edged and political to take your mind somewhere else, at least for a few minutes.
October 14, 2009 12:10 PM | Reply | Permalink
You've been missed PCA. Heal well. Here's something from Lou Reed influenced, as well as Reed collaborators, The Feelies to help you along that road. In another vein, this video always makes me smile. Hope it makes you smile too.
October 15, 2009 10:32 AM | Reply | Permalink