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Career Advice and More for (Ex) Bankers
Poor bankers.
So maligned. So victimized. Forced to do without multi-million dollar "bonuses" that were really just meant to be part of their salaries but were called "bonuses" so that they could avoid paying taxes.
What's a banker to do now that the yearly golf outing to the Bahamas has been canceled and the government is demanding that their employers spend government money on granting credit to the masses?
I feel for them. I really do. I wouldn't want villagers with pitchforks (or a stern note) showing up at my mansion in Connecticut. Of course, I'll never have a mansion in Connecticut, or any place else. And that got me thinking. For once, I could really contribute to the betterment of society. I have knowledge to share with these poor, downcast souls in their time of need.
Let it not be said that Orlando is not a good neighbor. In fact, I don't like to brag, but my friends sometimes call me State Farm. So, with that in mind, I've made a couple lists. The first is ideas for new careers once they've been found guilty of fraud and are subsequently released from prison. The second is a few ideas for how to pinch pennies when they find their new station in life.
Top Jobs to Consider During Parole
1. Greeter at Walmart. No skills required and you don't even have to be good at your job. You should be perfectly comfortable in this environment.
2. Loan Officer. The pay is a little bit better than Walmart and you might learn some valuable skills. Some might say too little, too late. I say better late than never!
3. Tarot Card Reader. You can make 20 bucks every 15 minutes if you really hustle. You're past experience convincing your corporate boards that there was unlimited wealth in their future will come in handy.
How to Live Frugally in a Cruel, Cruel World
1. Learn to love Velveta
2. Only put $3.00 gas in your car at any one time. That way, you'll be scared to leave the house because you might run out of gas. Keeps you from spending money on things like beer and movies.
3. While you're spending more time at your house, hang your wash out in the backyard to dry. Saves pennies on the electric bill.
4. Bundle up. Keeping your heat at 55 might not be good for that arthritis you developed due to your weekly squash game at the club, but it's good for your new budget.
5. Say good-bye to Jean Michel and hello to Great Clips.
These lists are by no means exhaustive and these poor guys are going to need a lot of help adjusting. I'm sure some of you have your own tips and strategies to share. Don't be shy.
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Don't forget to stop by Dagblog.com, where lately I've been embracing my inner feminist.
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O,
Loan Officers have to be bonded. Felons who have been convicted of financial crimes are not eligible.
How about waste management instead? For the holidays, they should 'ring the bells' for the SA and other charities.
As far as cost saving measures, how about plucking chickens? Or putting the cork in piggy banks? (Sorry Bwak)
Love your post. Thanks.
March 21, 2009 8:09 PM | Reply | Permalink
Waste management. There's an honest way to make a living. Good idea!
March 21, 2009 8:14 PM | Reply | Permalink
O - How did the avoid paying taxes on their bonuses?
March 21, 2009 10:59 PM | Reply | Permalink
Bill, you never came back to your post and said what it is you do to contribute to the wellbeing of your community/country. We're still waiting to hear.
March 21, 2009 11:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
I volunteer alot, but I'm not the one who's constantly one here complaining that the country is such an awful place after 8 years of Bush.
I'm not the one saying that so much in this country needs to be fixed. But for the things that I do care about, I spend more time writing to my congressmen than I do blogging on here.
That was my point.
March 22, 2009 7:14 AM | Reply | Permalink
Good ideas O. But here are a few other opportunities people do not discuss very often:
Toilet scrubbers for Porto Potties.
Floor scrubbers in autopsy rooms.
Grave diggers at pet cemetaries
I have more, but you and I both know they will end up scalping tickets on EBay for free Leno concerts.
March 21, 2009 8:16 PM | Reply | Permalink
I would be happy to contribute to both lists, Orlando.
First, a top job for the bankers to consider:
"Past-Due Christmas Decoration Collector". Drive to the middle-class and poor sections of town and help those people who don't have landscapers rid their house and pine trees of Christmas lights and wreathes before Valentine's Day. It's seasonal work, but will make the neighborhood look nicer when you have to drive through it in your limo.
And now, a recipe. I call it "Creamed Tuna". Bankers can call it "Tuna al Blanco" if it makes them feel better. It's cheap and easy and even their wives can do it without breaking their nails:
1 bag egg noodles
1 pot of boiling water
4 tablespoons butter
4 tablespoons flour
2 cups milk
1 can of tuna
Pour egg noodles into boiling water, cook. Melt butter in a frying pan and slowly add flour, mixing carefully with a wooden spoon until a smooth paste is formed. Add milk, and mix carefully again, stirring in a figure eight pattern, until the sauce thickens. Add tuna. Continue heating. Strain the egg noodles. Pour tuna sauce over cooked egg noodles. Enjoy.
March 21, 2009 8:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
You finally posted your Mom's tuna recipe.
Yeah!
March 21, 2009 8:24 PM | Reply | Permalink
I actually love this dish. Adding grated cheese is a nice touch, too. It's my comfort food and makes me remember all the happy memories of my childhood.
March 21, 2009 8:26 PM | Reply | Permalink
Job: Mystery Shopper - Spend all day shopping, just like the old days.
Money saving tip: When dumpster diving, don't think of it as garbage. Think of it as derivatives from someone else's meal. Bring back memories? Sure it does.
March 21, 2009 8:25 PM | Reply | Permalink
Heh, good one, Larry!
March 21, 2009 9:02 PM | Reply | Permalink
Speedo swimsuit models.
March 21, 2009 9:19 PM | Reply | Permalink
Haven't we suffered enough at their hands already?
March 21, 2009 9:25 PM | Reply | Permalink
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 21, 2009 9:31 PM | Reply | Permalink
me hahahahahahaha, too, hahahahahahaha, I hahahahah can't hahahahahahahahah breath hahahahah!!!
March 21, 2009 9:35 PM | Reply | Permalink
well, come by and chat, we all miss you so
March 21, 2009 9:40 PM | Reply | Permalink
goin' to the movies w/ the3 daughters! Will stop by in the wee hours and see if anyone is still around! Miss you 2!
March 21, 2009 10:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
I don't think you should worry about the (ex) bankers' next jobs.
Anything they would do next is likely to be of direct benefit to you and other witch-hunters like you, because they would pay more than you ever will for your healthcare and education for your kids and fixing the deficit and all the while still manage to provide you with the utter delight of kicking a scapegoat in the gut.
March 22, 2009 12:20 PM | Reply | Permalink
Well after the last 30 years of being out-taxed per capita BIGTIME and being "kicked in the gut" by amoral elites who, like you, think you're some kind of "gift" to society, it's time to return the favor.
Also, there is nothing "special" about incompetence. Here in reality, one gets fired for it, and sued.
Welcome to our world, and no, we have no sympathy. No one ever said life was a garden of roses, did they?
March 22, 2009 5:32 PM | Reply | Permalink
I actually think there are only 2 things that we don't agree on:
- I think everyone deserves equal treatment, you seem to like to segregate people into us/them;
- I think it's not dignified to kick someone who's down, in any situation, but you take delight in it.
I happen to be feeling the crisis as much or more as the next person, but this childish vindictive malicious score-settling verbiage really makes me angry.
This is may be a characteristic of an "average" citizen?
March 22, 2009 5:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
Lalo, I didn't start the "us/them" They did.
I might just finish it, though. I'm sorry you are hurting. Try hosting a homeless person. It helps one gain a little perspective, because you and I, Lalo, do not know the meaning of "HURT" or understand the scope of what these whinning amoral dickheads have wrought.
Let them stand up and face justice. That is traditional when one has fucked up. It's called "consequences." We have to protect our society, they have done all they can to ruin it.
March 22, 2009 6:26 PM | Reply | Permalink
you have no idea what i know or do or have done, but you think your moralizing for some reason is better than mine.
you sound like one of those well educated people who could sort me out and tell me what to do to fix my life.
suit yourself.
March 22, 2009 7:48 PM | Reply | Permalink
Oh, and the average citizen, is most likely a mealy-mouthed jerk that is afraid to "offend their boss' and drives wages lower from their spineless cowardliness. That is changing. Get a pair.
Kinda like the Tories were "ascared" of 'ol King George. Go ahead, sit back, ut your head in the sand. It will take extraordinary citizens to right this ship.
Obviously, you have no interest in being one.
March 22, 2009 6:31 PM | Reply | Permalink
- I think it's not dignified to kick someone who's down, in any situation, but you take delight in it.
I find irony in being lectured about the vast majority of us getting screwed but that we should show proper sympathy that those poor down trodden uber-capitalists that now are only worth $125M instead of the $250M they were previously worth. I hear Hank Greenberg, former CEO of AIG, is suing AIG, and now by extension the American taxpayers, because all of his AIG stocks holdings are basically not worth the paper they are printed on. Can you say 'a big hairy pair', because that is what he has.
March 22, 2009 7:08 PM | Reply | Permalink
Witch hunt seems to be your phrase of the day. I do not understand why the search for those responsible for the near collapse of the world's finacial markets and all the collateral damage that has happened as a result of it, is a witch hunt. I don't want to find a witch. I want to know who did this. AND I want it fixed so it can't happen again. Although, with a better mouse trap, we'll just get smarter mice. So, who cares? Let's just bend over and take it. I'm a woman. I'm used to it.
March 22, 2009 5:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
I don't understand Orlando's point about bonuses were meant to "avoid paying taxes"???
March 22, 2009 12:40 PM | Reply | Permalink
OK, Bill. Instead of whining about this, why not just look it up? You're right. Bonuses are taxed as wages. See how easy it is?
http://en.allexperts.com/q/Tax-Law-Questions-932/2008/7/salary-vs-bonus-employer.htm
March 22, 2009 2:56 PM | Reply | Permalink
They're taxed as wages unless the payments are delayed so as to make them capital gains, in which case, the tax rate is different and the employer and employee don't have to pay into social security.
March 23, 2009 12:38 AM | Reply | Permalink
And these payments were paid out in 2009 for 2008, thereby -------- delayed! Can you show me that in the tax law so I can send it to Bill?
March 23, 2009 8:37 PM | Reply | Permalink
I wasn't whining. I was simply asking for clarification on what Orlando meant. She must have had some basis for her statement
March 22, 2009 3:01 PM | Reply | Permalink