Threat Level ORANGE or Merry Christmas from NORAD: Your Tax Dollars at Work
After 9/11, the Department of Homeland Security gave us a nicely color-coded Fear Chart, so that we, the American people, would know just exactly how afraid we are. The other day at Dagblog, Deadman was saying that he uses the Weather.com minute-by-minute forecast to know when to walk his dog. That's kind of how I am with the Homeland Security Fear Chart. Because without it, I wouldn't have any idea how scared I was. The chart has five lovely hues: green, blue, yellow, orange, and red.
Green means the terrorists are on vacation. Hey, everybody needs a break once in a while. On Green days, you could go for a walk late at night, in an unfamiliar neighborhood, with dollar bills stapled to the outside of your clothing. Blindfolded. Green is free-wheeling, baby. Love those Green days. No fear whatsoever.
Blue means the terrorists are recovering from vacation. We all know that the first couple of days back in the office after a vacation are kind of mellow. It's hard to get back into the swing of things, and terrorists are no exception. There are a lot of phone calls to return and emails to read. Plus, there's the newest manual to bone up on. We can't expect a lot of real terrorist work to be done on the Blue days. When the chart is at Blue, we're just living our lives. On Blue days, I'm only afraid of spiders.
Yellow means the terrorists are hard at work plotting. Yellow is where we start to get anxious. Probably won't happen, but could happen. Here's where the cautious behavior starts. Yellow doesn't mean, contrary to urban legend, speed up and blow through that light. Yellow means be alert. Anybody could be a terrorist.
Orange means we know they have a plan. They're coming. They might already be here! Don't stop shopping or anything, because everybody knows you still have to be a good American. But Orange means BE AFRAID.
Red means it's time to take our Xanax. Because we are well and truly fucked.
My favorite days, obviously, are the Green and Blue days. Those are the days when I feel hardly any anxiety leaving the house. Of course, since the system's inception, we've never had a Green or Blue day. So, I've been a little stressed out these past eight years.
I still have to leave my house though. So, I put my trust in our military and intelligence services. I know they are working hard to protect me. And I know they are working especially hard when the threat levels are high. Today, the threat level is Orange. I'm fairly certain that all Americans are doing their part by shopping and I was fairly certain that the military was doing their part protecting us from the imminent Orange threat. That is, I was fairly certain until I read this.
While perusing the news this morning, I found out that, on an Orange day, as listed on NORAD's own Web site, our friends at the North American Aerospace Defense Command are hard at work. They're tracking the most dangerous terrorist of all.
Now, I'm no Scrooge. I like Christmas and all the trappings. I hum carols to myself. I buy gifts for all my relatives. I wake up on Christmas morning with that feeling--you Christmas revelers know the one. That feeling that tells you this is a day like no other. And I love it.
But how the hell am I supposed to be snuggled in bed tonight, having visions of sugar plums, when the fear chart is Orange and NORAD is ignoring the terrorists and following an imaginary man in flying sleigh pulled by flying reindeer?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Advertisement
No time to comment just now. The threat level just dipped to 'yellow' and I've got to duck out for some last minute shopping while the duckin's good.
December 24, 2008 4:12 PM | Reply | Permalink
Is there every a time that the threat level is good for your, little pig? I imagine a strong wind could knock your whole house down, to say nothing of a terrorist wolf with some bad breath.
December 24, 2008 4:30 PM | Reply | Permalink
I knew Santa was a terrorist! The scary thing is, I have some pictures of myself with Santa when I was young. I guess I can never run for office because of my past associations.
December 24, 2008 4:44 PM | Reply | Permalink
No no no. Orange does not come into play until a few days before an election.
December 24, 2008 4:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
I got some "friends" who like to send colour-coded charts TO the terrorists. Just to let 'em know how pissed we are that day, the kind of things they should expect if they mess.
It starts at Red & goes up from there, my friends bein' a bad-tempered bunch & all. The threats are all labelled, with facial expressions, but not so much on a Cautious-Dangerous continuum, as a "Warm & Comfy Southern Style Out Back Of The Bar Beating" up to full on "Clear The Benches, Stick-Swinging, Burn The Arena Down Around You" kinda mood. And none of these colours result in an end game where the terrorist gets any access to virgins and choirs and all that.
But get this. Since we started sendin 'em our chart? NOT ONE ATTACK. And waaaaaaay cheaper than that Homeland Securitization shite.
So stop worryin' Orlando. Send some nasty charts out into the ether, when you're in those really FINE moods of yours, and you'll sleep like a baby. In fact, if you should ever want Indiana (or dagblog) to yourself for a bit, just start hanging the appropriate signs at the end of your driveway. Merry Christmas!
December 24, 2008 5:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
You got friends, Quinn? :O)
I had my gall bladder removed the week following the 9/11 attack. It rained the very next day, ending a rather extended drought here. So my recommendation?
Everyone should get their gall bladder removed so we can not only keep the terrorists at bay (No attacks - meaning terrorist attacks on US soil, of course, not the other kind - since the surgery) but we can cure global warming as well.
As Frank sez, "It'll cure your asthma, too!"
December 24, 2008 5:28 PM | Reply | Permalink
Awesome, O.
I can actually feel the snark.
=D
December 24, 2008 7:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
I knew your style reminded me of somebody Orlando:
Who wrote this:
The day of rest comes but once a week, and sorry I am that it does not come oftener. Man is so constituted that he can stand more rest than this. I often think regretfully that it would have been so easy to have two Sundays in a week, and yet it was not ordained. The Omnipotent Creator could have made the world in three days just as easily as he make it in six, and this would have doubled the Sundays.
December 25, 2008 7:14 AM | Reply | Permalink
Mark Twain? That's high praise, Dickday, and most definitely undeserved. Thanks, though. And Merry Christmas--peace, love, joy, and all of that.
December 25, 2008 8:04 AM | Reply | Permalink
VERY VERY GOOD
PEACE AND LOVE AND WIT
December 25, 2008 8:28 AM | Reply | Permalink