The past few days have seen a proliferation of agita over the implications of Hillary Clinton’s continuing campaign.  Like that creature from the horror movie who refuses to die, Hillary soldiers on through crisis and scandal, repeating her mantra of electability and popular vote victory.  While apparently doing little to improve her chance of winning the nomination, her persistence has inspired countless commenters on these boards to assert their God-given right to profess their hatred of all things Clinton.  They are countered by a handful of bedraggled Clintonista holdouts still hoping for a miracle.  Here and there, a few voices in the wilderness plead for party unity.  Some have even asked what Obama can offer Clinton to win over her supporters, even floating the idea of an Obama/Clinton “unity” ticket.  Most of these pleas, some heartfelt, some less so (i.e., we’ll have unity if only Hillary would just shut up), have predictably devolved into raucous mudslinging as the partisans once again air their deeply felt grievances. 

 
Drawing on my extensive background studying non-traditional warfare from the comfort of my living room, I’d say these pleas for unity only perpetuate the problem.  The issue is not what Obama can do to bring Hillary and her supporters back into the fold.  To take a phrase from our reviled leader, that's called appeasement.  The better question is what they can do to get back into the Obama camp’s good graces.  The handwriting is on the wall.  Victory is near.  Who cares if you’re close to 50% or 15%.  Do you want to be left in the cold when the new folks take over Washington?  More important, do you want to end once and for all the anti-Hillary posts at TPM?   

With that in mind, I propose a reasonable settlement under which Hillary and her supporters will be permitted to rejoin the fold with honor rather than face the prospect of eight long years in the Blue Ridge Mountains.   

(1)    HRC and her supporters must immediately stop doing anything that can be construed as trying to win the nomination.  HRC can no longer even suggest she is the better nominee.  Do not even mention the words Hillary Clinton and nominee in the same sentence.  Henceforth, the Clinton campaign must be geared toward proving that Obama is the superior candidate and a better person.     

(2)    Along those lines, the following terms shall henceforth be banned from the discussion:  popular vote, swing state, working class, rural, older and, of course, white.  HRC and her supporters must immediately stop denigrating the hearty souls in caucus states who spent hours in high-school gymnasiums standing in groups and debating the issues the way they used to do way back when before politics was overrun by the unwashed primary masses.

(3)     HRC must issue a public apology acknowledging her intentional, premeditated  attempts to divide the Democratic Party along racial lines and destroy the chances of the eventual nominee.  This will be done in prime time and will include an unequivocal assertion that Barack Obama is not, in fact, a muslim. 

(4)    HRC must agree to undergo a period of intensive counseling to deal with her many personality disorders including her persistent delusions that she could win the nomination, her apparent willingness to do or say anything to get elected and her divisiveness. 

(5)    Then there is the matter of Bill.  Bill must reject and denounce his infamous statement that Jesse Jackson won South Carolina.  Instead, Bill must confirm that Obama is in fact the superior candidate, that he has kicked Hillary’s ass all over the country, and that he, Bill, knew it at the time.  Bill will no longer be permitted to wag is finger and turn red in the face.  Preventive measures will be implemented if this proves impossible. 

(6)    Paul Krugman will no longer be permitted to write a column for the New York Times.  Other Clinton shills will be dealt with accordingly.

(7)    The Michigan and Florida delegations will be seated, with the delegates being apportioned according to the results of the states that caucused between Super Tuesday and the Ohio primary.   

(8)     HRC must return Markg88’s watch, which she definitely stole from him while he was in the gym. 

 Clintonistas, the choice is yours.  The new brand of politics is here.  You can either join the fight against the Republican War Machine this Fall or face eight long years in the mountains of Kentucky and West Virginia.