Here is how I think it should go...

President Obama:  "I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize for being selected as a Nobel Laureate.  I take full responsibility for this horrendous mistake.  At first...admittedly....I wanted to place some blame on the Republicans for the last 8 years of governing and foreign policy. (using those terms liberally..no pun intended)  BUT I can not make excuses....it is my fault.  Often have I felt ashamed for the hope I inspire in others, the cogent speeches I make, and the common sense I use.  It is deplorable.  Many have rightly criticized me for my lack of accomplishments in my first few minutes in office.  When I think of all of the brush I could have cleared off of ranches throughout this great country and all of the vacations I could have taken...I am racked with guilt."

"My fellow Americans...I vow to redouble my efforts to lower America's esteem throughout the world.  I will not rest until every country on earth is lined up against us with hatred toward this great land.  It won't be easy, but I owe it the American people.  I will reach across the aisle in a bipartisen effort to...not just lose the Olympics for one city...but find a way to prevent the Olympics from ever being hosted by the United States again.  Only then will I feel as if I have been able to atone for the travesty of being selected for the Nobel Peace Award.  On a side note...my sincere thanks for cable news for pointing out the I have done too much and too little since my election as president.  The relentless push polling and incoherent opposing view points have really helped me develop public policy and have clearly told the American people the whole story.....and then some.  God Bless the media and God Bless America...(unless that blessing causes America to be more popular in other countries)"

This should fix everything! On a side note...someone shoot me.