[For immediate release]
For nearly 3 years, or since Ari Fleischer handed over the White House press room to Scott McClellan, and at the specific request of an unnamed member of the SCLM arm of the VLWC, The Institute for Tendentious Text & Speech Analysis (ITTSA) has been systematically analyzing the text of Mr. McClellan's responses at the press gaggles and daily briefings.

First, we remind you that the majority of Mr. McClellan's statements are known to differ from those of Mr. Fleischer in that they are not all, a priori, immediately falsifiable. That is not to say that they age well. For historical comparison, most of Mr. Fleischer's statements, which generally caused an instantaneous and statistically significant variance from baseline on the veracity detector, have gone on to achieve what we often term a "third-phase-Sinatra-Rat-Pack" improvement in wearability with time.

Using our proprietary technologies, we were able to determine that 90% of the comments by Mr. McClellan can be assigned to one of the following 3 templates:

• "The President looks forward to sitting down with [1]"
• "The President is pleased to sit down with [2]"
  
• "The President has been providing an unprecedented level of cooperation with [3]" 

[1], [2], [3] = [randomly insert the name of a federal commission, nominal congressional oversight body, fraud/malfeasance/misfeasance/incompetence inquiry or grand jury here].

Template [1] is applied when, after months of denying the need for any particular inquiry, the administration finally flip-flops and grudgingly acknowledges that once again, they will need to shove yet another sacrificiant into the airlock between the White House and the real world. Of course, the President actually looks forward to these events as much as he would look forward to a prostate exam at the hand of Andre the Giant. Which means we're not sure how much.

Template [2] is applied in the short interim running up to the point that President Bush (or His administration's assignee) actually sits down with anyone. You will know that this phase has been entered when the administration flip-flops in serial fashion about how long the Pleased One (or His assigns) will have to be outside the airlock and thus required to avoid breathing under oath. This usually varies between 1 and 1.5 hours, DeLay breaks included. In truth, the President is about as pleased to do this as he was to land that wet one on John McCain. Which means, we continue to insist, that it is statistically possible that the use of the traditional date-ending "I'll call you" actually connotes, in spite of appearances, "I'll call you."

Template [3] is applied after His administration's assignee has returned to the hermetically sealed safety of the White House and the investigating body or grand jury asks follow-up questions or requests additional documents [usually because pages 400-2020 of the subpoenaed documents were either withheld or 98% redacted (from which, of fascinating note, the remaining words form works of literature eerily similar to the poems of Calvin Trillin or the lyrical stylings of John Ashcroft.)] [Note to self: obvious area for further grant proposals. REMOVE BEFORE RELEASE] Of course, no prior administration has cooperated with investigations into Systematic Administration Misanthropy to the same degree that the Bush Administration has. To explain the significance of this type of finding, we often apply the industry-standard "Father Goose" metaphor:

Leslie Caron as MISS GOODY TWO-SHOES: How do you say 'parachute' in English?

Cary Grant as THE FILTHY BEAST: Um, 'parachute.' 

Which means the President's actual level of cooperation with all investigations is, um, unprecedented.

The remaining 10% of Mr. McClellan's statements invariably occur in one of these forms:

• "Helen, that is not how I would characterize it, but did you know that 'Pecan silo Ny' is an anagram of 'Nancy Pelosi'?  I think you should look at that."
  
• "Helen, you will have to ask the Pentagon about that, but did you know that 'Da warden Ho' is an anagram for 'Howard Dean'?  Some say this is just a coincidence, but I think it is a curious one."
• "Well, I couldn't see you wave from behind that column, Helen. Speaking of total poles, did you know that 'Tend Key end' is an anagram for 'Ted Kennedy'?  I haven't seen any of the Democratic leadership on the Hill condemning that."
  

In conclusion, The Institute finds that Mr. McClellan is either a preternaturally sophisticated algorithm operating in humanoid form or a modestly sophisticated algorithm operating in a preternaturally humanoid form. In actual practice, the distinction is academic. Having received periodic flash upgrades to install stronger and more finite sets of ongoing investigation looping patterns over the past year, Mr. McClellan will undoubtedly undergo a more extensive tune-up after being made available either by self-obsolence or by retirement to spend more time with his grand jury.

The Institute for Tendentious Text & Speech Analysis

"You'll love the sound of our science"