Washington, April 2014
Five years after President Hillary Clinton became "
Commander In Chief of the Economy".
Americans are reviewing the legacy the war.
LEAD UP TO THE WAR
Early in 2009, dramatic increases in the price of High Fructose Corn Syrup shocked soda-drinking
Americans. Though many economists attributed the rise to the increased use of corn for Ethanol and
a "stubborn sweet tooth", the Clinton administration saw a graver threat to the economic well
being of America. Regulators were sent in to the leading futures exchanges to see if they could find
trades of mass disruption. No such trades were found.
While some in congress argued that we should continue to let the regulators do their jobs, the administration pressed for rapid action. President Clinton pointed to the price high fructose corn syrup as a threat to our way of life, saying "our children cannot live in fear that one day they may wake up and find a refrigerator completely void of Red Bull".
Particularly influential in the build up to the war were articles by New York Times correspondent Judith Shiller. The articles pointed to the existence of large stockpiles of aluminum cans that could easily be filled with HFCS, but were lying empty. Subsequent analysis showed that the tubes lacked tops and bottoms so could not be technically called cans.
AUTHORIZATION TO USE ECONOMIC FORCE
In the face of increasing pressure from the White House, Congress passed the Authorization to Use Economic Force on April 1 2009. The AUEF officially named Clinton "Commander in Chief of the Economy".
Senator Russ Feingold of Wisconsin pointed out that Clinton and her allies had been planning a takeover of the economy prior to the HFCS crisis and even before she was elected president. In keeping with longstanding Senate tradition, Feingold was ignored.
Though Clinton was formally "Commander in Chief of the Economy", the economy was even less responsive to her desires than the famously change-averse armed forces. To ensure that the economy properly followed orders, Clinton combined her two roles and dispatched troops to enforce order in the marketplace.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Shortly after the war began, President Clinton stood on the completely pacified floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange and declared the end of major trading.
THE INSURGENCY
Though in the days immediately following "mission accoplished" most economic activity had been pacified,
an insurgency rapidly arose. The insurgency was composed of many tribal groups including corporate lackeys, entrepreneurs and ebay addicts, but the administration tended to simplify and tie them to Enron, a corporation
known to have been behind previous attacks on the American economy. When several reports indicated that Enron no longer existed, the administration changed tactics
and just began to call the opposition al-Qaeda, because, as one administration official admitted, "it worked before.".
As the level of insurgent economic activity rose, Clinton came under increasing pressure to end the war and let the participants in the economy trade in the absence of economic troops.
THE SURGE
Instead of sending the economic troops home, President Clinton proposed a dramatic surge. Unauthorized economic activity decreased again in the face of 30,000 more troops. It later turned out that tribal leaders were simply being paid off by the US government to dole out money to "local economic forces". While true believers continued trading, many corporate leaders were happy to be coopted, as they were already adept at making big money doing nothing.
Now five years into the war, critics are wondering whether the economic occupation will come to an end. Many Senators predict chaos if Americans are suddenly allowed to trade without troops ensuring order in the market. Others
want to bring the troops home so they are free to spend 100 years overseas. Most are sure that the next president will
be left holding the bag and the title "Commander in Chief of the Economy".