Concurrent with our 'sluggish' economy, the evaporation of over $15 Trillion in personal wealth, a unemployment rate higher than any we've seen in over a quarter of a century, and mortgage default rates in some netherworld between 'really bad' and 'horrible', many Americans are understandably worried about the future.  Add to this the bloviations of the investor class regarding the sustainability of the Social Security program, (read:  We need fresh meat in the system), and believe me, there are valid reasons for concern.  Some of us who had the foresight to plan our future successfully in light of the economy, can now offer some words and wisdom to those less fortunate, without fear of reprisal by the economic and legal forces of the state.  With this in mind, I share some advice for achieving an ultimately fool-proof retirement plan.  A planned retirement which won't be at risk from the vicissitudes of the market that have become the hallmark of modern day investing.  No 401K, Roth IRA, or 403B for me.  Just a carefully planned larceny, designed to fail.  With pride, pleasure, and in relative comfort, I write these words of advice from the warmth and security of cell block C, at the US Federal Correctional Institution, Big Spring Texas. 


Following the evaporation of my 'normal' retirement vehicles, and finding myself upside down in a mortgage designed to self destruct after 5 years of making regular payments, I was handed my severance notice from my employer, Acme Widgets, Inc.  The company, finding itself pinched economically, decided to close their US manufacturing operations and relocate all widget production to their facilities in Guangdong Province, China.  Left with no income,  no accessible savings, (tied up in a severely depleted IRA), no job prospects, and a balloon payment on my house that would 'choke a horse', I began to shop for viable alternatives to homelessness.  I soon narrowed my sights on our penal system, and more particularly, incarceration in a federal penal facility.  Why a federal as opposed to a state prison?  First of all, there are the funding issues.  States were finding themselves in dire financial positions within months of the economic collapse in the fall of 2008.  The odds of getting a nutritious 3 squares a day and adequate heat were decidedly improved in the federal penal system.  Being a warm weather kind of guy, I chose to commit my larceny in an area that boasted a mild climate.  If budget cutbacks catch up to me in the federal system, I will at least not be too cold.  Additionally, all the crime dramas I've read or seen on TV and the big screen, had convinced me that I would meet a better class of felon in the Federal Prison System.  Being a social creature, this factored into my 'retirement' planning.

The real trick to a successful 'retirement' such as mine involves picking the right crime, and its' execution.  In my case, I preferred the Federal system to a state penal system, so my 'offense' had to place me under federal jurisdiction from the outset.  I was not sure to what extent I was willing to commit to this retirement venue, and so decided to rule out all offenses that carried a possible life sentence.  I mean, things may start looking up in the economy sometime in the not too distant future.  Right?   So sentencing guidelines will play a key role in successful retirement planning for each of us.  That too hinges on one's personal 'record', so take that into account when planning your entree into whichever penal system you choose.  You can start your planning of the sentencing issues here.   Take your time and make sure you choose the crime that best suits your vision for a successful retirement. 

My advice to those of you looking for a more 'secure' future, is to avoid crimes of violence or the threat of violence.  A decision on your part to embrace violence only complicates the karmic load you sustain, and in turn will ensure longer terms of imprisonment, (something you can always adjust once in the system by attempting an escape, or any other number of offenses, should you so desire).  In my case, I chose to enter my local bank office in which I've been doing business for some time, (as a 'preferred customer' no less), and demanded that the nice young teller, Mary Beth, empty the contents of her cash drawer into a sack I had provided to her.  Without a firearm, it took me some time to convince her of the sincerity of my demand, but she eventually 'got it', and pressed the little button/doohickey.  This being a 'first-offense' for me, I got off with a relatively light sentence, and look forward to rejoining the outside world in a few years after the economy and my portfolio have had time to recover.  In the meantime, I'm working on a book that I soon hope to find a publisher for.  Working title:  The Working Stiff's Handbook for a Secure Retirement.  Available for pre-order now!  Gotta run now, I hear Brooks coming with the Library cart.  I sure hope they got in that new travelogue I had ordered.