Mr. Soon-to-be-ex-Speaker of the House of Representatives,

We're glad to see that over the course of your eight years as Speaker of the House of Representatives, you mastered the arts of prevarication and passing the buck. You did a great job huffing and puffing and saying you knew nothing about Mark Foley, a member of Our Party who couldn't control himself when it came to underaged boys.

But, listen. We can't keep you around here anymore, and we know how loyal you were to the Party. So we're going to make you an Ambassador to Japan. Out there, you can't hurt us here with your presence, which as it is stands like a sagging blot on a minority party that needs a new face so it can get back to being the Majority Party it Deserves to Be, the American people be damned.

But just because you can't hurt us here with your presence, you can still hurt us there. There are a lot of things you're going to need to learn. And we've got good people in Tokyo that can bring you up to speed.

But most notably, when you hear that there's an American in Japan doing things to people under the age of 18 they shouldn't be doing, this "I didn't know about it" garbage isn't going to fly. In September 1995, when 3 American servicemen raped a 12 year old girl, the Japanese people were angry. We almost lost one of our most important bases in Asia, and one of our most important security relationships in the world. If there comes a moment when an American is in Japan doing wrong, whether in our services or not, don't give those Japanese reporters that vacant stare you mastered in Washington. If you do, we might end up with a tenth nuclear power in the blink of an eye.

Sincerely,

Your White House Handlers