Make no mistake, scam artists love senior citizens because in some of our most “senior moments,” we can make some pretty bad decisions.

Well, Larry Johnson, advertising himself as a “security consultant,” really took me for a ride when he called at dinner time last week to drop the bombshell on me.  He said he had a gramophone recording of Cindy McCain ranting and raving about “Whitey.”  I was like, “which Whitey was she talking about?  Whitey Haverford from the club?  Because he really is a jerk and Cindy might well hate him.”  But then Larry said, “Did I say she said ‘Whitey?’”  I meant that she said Mexicans.”

Well that’s bad.  Because, as you all know, I want my best friend of 847 years, John McCain, to be president.  And you can’t be president without Mexicans voting for you.  It’s just a fact.  Sure, most of them are too lazy to vote but there are so damned many of them that even a few can turn an election.  Especially in Florida, where the Mexicans are really concerned about Cuba for some reason.

But I digress.  When Larry Johnson of No Quarter USA dot net said he had this gramophone recording of Cindy saying “Mexicans” I was ready to pay any price to get my hands on it and to get it to my best friend John.  

Larry wanted $200 for shipping costs.  Seemed high to me but he said it had to be shipped through extra special CIA channels and that he was an intelligence officer for the government and that $200 is a bargain and that he was doing me and John a favor.  So then I had to do this whole Pay Pal thing that Larry said all the spooks are into and he took my money.

And I never got a damned record!  So I call Larry and he tells me to fuck off and that I’m some sort of Obama robot for calling him a liar.  I say, “Where’s my record of Cindy saying Mexican?” and he says, “I don’t have it but I’ve been told about it by people who don’t even know each other!”  Now folks, even if you’re 847 years old like me and John McCain you know damned well that his answer isn’t an answer at all!  It’s pure flim flam.

Back in my day we’d put two bit three card monty scammers like Larry Johnson in the stocks in public square.  Then we’d humiliate them by reading aloud from forbidden erotic novels and poking fun at the inadequate response of his personal regions.  But these days he doesn’t get punished at all.  He just gets people reading his blog.  And to think he used to write here at TPMCafe.  It’s just sad.

Well it looks like we have a decision.  You all have decided to put this young Irish whippersnapper, Bartalk O’Bomber, up against my best friend of 847 years, John Sidney McCain.

And what’s your message?  Change?

Good luck with that.

Nobody can change like John McCain.  John McCain can change so quickly that he can become Bartalk O’Bomber before you can even pull the lever to vote for the guy.  It will be like one of thoe episodes of Star Trek where there’s two Kirks and Spock doesn’t know who to shoot.  You’ll be Spock.

If O’Bomber’s slogan is “Change We Can Believe In,” then John can just change his slogan to that.  Or he can mess around with it a little and go with “A Leader We Can Believe In.”  And then, everytime O’Bomber says “That’s change we can believe in,” John can just say, “That isn’t change we can believe in.”  It also works to do this: “That’s change we can’t believe in,” or even this: “That’s change we can believe in. (Pause) Not.”

If O’Bomber has a Web site, John can just make his Web site look like O’Bomber’s.

John McCain can change anything at any time.  He can be for telecom immunity one day and against it the next.  He can be pro-choice one day and pro-life the next.  He can want tax cuts for the rich or not.  He doesn’t hold any of these opinions so deeply that he can’t change them on a whim.  That’s why he’s going to win.  This is a race for the presidency, not an opinion contest.  If your opinions are so important to you that you won’t change them to get the presidency then run to be an opinioner.  I want a president who wants to be president.  Like John McCain.

I just had a meeting with Steve Clemmons at the JB’s Big Boy All-U-Can-Eat Early Bird Buffet over by the interstate.  The thing I like most about Steve is that he’s a straight shooter just like my best friend in the world, John Sidney McCain.

As Steve dug into his chicken fried steak he suddenly lit into me about John saying that we’re going to have more wars in the Middle East, that he might want to bomb Iran and that we might have to be in Iraq for 100 years.

I said, “Steve, when you’re 847 years old, 100 years really ain’t a lot of time.”

And Steve said I was being glib.

Well, maybe I should of slapped the pucker off his face right then and there but instead I just said, “Steve, you’re pushing us in the direction we need to go.”

Steve smiled then said he wanted to go get some Gaiatsu and headed back to the buffet table.

Now I thought I’d put my foot in my mouth but then I come back to TPM, what do I see but a column from Steve Clemmons.  He must have written it on his Blackberry in the men’s room he got it up so fast.  Steve says this:

“When top tier advisers are looking for excuses for positions that they need to take -- then it raises serious questions about authenticity of the rhetoric we are hearing from all three -- Obama, Clinton and John McCain.”

You might think that Steve’s taking an equally sour view of all the candidates there, but I consider this a personal victory.  I mean, what does he disagree with Clinton and Obama about?  That they won’t say they want to change a Cuba policy that the United States has been pursuing for half a century because they’re afraid if they do say it they’ll lose Florida in the general?  That they’re both treading carefully around Israel/Palestine issues?  Those are quibbles!

John Sidney McCain wants to bomb the hell out of the Middle East and bring them peace by the light of our flashing swords!  And Steve thinks all three of them are the same!

That was a good line I came up with today.  Keep pushing us where we need to go, Steve!  If Sidney singing “Bomb, Bomb Iran” is equal to Obama not saying that he’ll relax an obscure travel regulation on Cuba then we got this thing in the bag.

Now, if you’ll all excuse me I need to get back to the buffet before all the Gaiatsu is gone.

Vote McCain!

Young Guns III: The Housing Crisis

Mortgage lenders foreclosing on people’s homes ain’t nothing new.  But back when I was a kid named Billy and John Sidney McCain was a young buck that we called El Sid, folks didn’t count on the government to protect them against their banks.

No, we did it ourselves in the Wild West.  After the Lincoln County Wars in the New Mexico territory I fled west to Scottsdale County, riding alongside Kiefer Sutherland, Lew Diamond Phillips (a Mexican from India) and Christian Slater.  We rode for days through the dusty desert with nothing but the strains of John bon Jovi to entertain us.

We finally arrived in Scottsdale County and were taken on as hands at the El Sid Ranch.  El Sid was, of course, my best pal John Sidney McCain.  We go way back.  El Sid raised barley, hops and wheat on his ranch and he had designs on bottling and distributing the most popular beer in the country.

But El Sid didn’t have any money.  He was in debt up to his hops.  He had to pay us in empty beer bottles that we took to the supermarket to get the five cent deposit.  Of course, a nickel could get you a whore and shot of whiskey back in those days.  That was even a saying we used to have.  Lew Diamond Phillips (LDP) would say, “Hey Billy, El Sid says he’s gonna pay us in cash this week,” and I’d say, “That and five cents will get you a whore and a shot of whiskey, Lew.”  Good times.

Well one day Kiefer Sutherland says to El Sid, “It doesn’t look like this here venture is gonna work out, John.”  Then Christian Slater says, “Too bad there’s no way for the government to help you out.  I mean, you’re a guy with good intentions and a dream, you just borrowed on unfavorable terms.”

But El Sid says it ain’t the government’s place to help unless he could prove that he was in good enough financial shape to get the loan in the first place.

I said, “El Sid, ain’t that the lender’s responsibility?  How do you know the lender is worthy to even collect your debt?”

John thought about it for awhile.  Then LDP said he was gonna head out for a six pack of Coors Light.  The rage grew in El Sid’s face at the mention of his most hated beer rival.  LDP tried to apologize but El Sid leveled him with a rock hard punch to his stout Indian jaw.

“Don’t say stout,” El Sid warned me.  I musta been thinking out loud.  Then he turned back to the topic at hand: “I’ll learn them bankers ta’ prove their worth,” he snarled.

That’s when the Scottsdale County Regulators were born.  El Sid gave us guns and enough booze that our tempers would snap at the slightest provocation.  Whenever a bank would send a collections agent over we’d shoot them, take their money, stuff them in a deposit envelope and send them back to the bank.  Soon enough, the banks stopped calling.  A few months later, the credit card offers started again and everything was all right.

I know because I was there and I’m Billy the Kid.

Vote McCain!

My best pal John Sidney McCain recently had to apologize for not supporting a national Martin Luther King Day holiday back in the 1980s.

Folks, that was 25 years ago when John was a young old man.

Besides, he has nothing to apologize for.  John never had anything against Martin Luther King Jr. It's holidays he hates.  There's enough truants out there every day anyway, I say.  Why give the kids another day off school?

When the kids are out of school they just spend all day loafing at the mall, wearing their baggy pants around their knees, playing loud BOOM BOOM music from their slow moving cars and messing up the lawn!

The lawn issue is really important right now because MLK day falls smack in the middle of seeding season.  If you want a nice lawn in summer you have to be seeding now.  Having the kids out of school at this crucial time just wrecks everything.

Besides, didn't we just have President's Day?

In my day we didn't have holidays.  You worked every day but Sunday and you spent Sunday in Church, begging God to let you live another day so you can work another week.

The "L" in Martin Luther King Jr. doesn't stand for loafing.  It stands for Luther.  John Sidney McCain knew that then and he knows that now.

The Surge, the temporary increase in our forces operating in Iraq that was supported by my chum John McCain is working!  How do you know?  Well, for one thing, we haven’t brought any of those troops back yet.  If The Surge wasn’t working we obviously would have tried the opposite of The Surge by now.  We’d have tried an Unsurge by sending all of our troops into Iran, taking the Iranians completely by surprise and leaving the Iraqis totally baffled.  The fact that we have troops in Iraq is proof that we want troops in Iraq, it’s as common sense as yellow ribbons and flag lapel pins.

Score One for The Surge!

Now my further evidence is what’s happening in Basra.  The local Iraqi military, led personally into battle by John’s good friend (and thus the vicarious vicar of my heart) Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki found it so easy to beat up on Moqtada al-Sadr’s militia that 1,000 of Maliki’s troops (including two top commanders) just walked off the battlefield.  You do not walk off the battlefield when you’re losing.  You get carried off.

Score Two for The Surge!

Finally, the collapse of Bear Stearns and the housing bubble is evidence that The Surge is working.  People don’t want to work at investment banks and buy homes any more.  They want to sign up for The Surge!  You keep hearing about people walking away from their homes.  But you never hear where they’re Surging too!

Score Three for The Surge!

That’s game, set and match for my best friend, John Surge-y McCain.

It’s 3 am and the phone is ringing.

You pick it up.

Somebody yells: “Turn down that music, people are trying to sleep!”

You just got a call from my best friend, John Sidney McCain.  Like all people our age, John falls asleep at around 8:30 and then wakes up around 2 in the morning and is up the rest of the night with just a glass of warm milk and the telephone for company.

Here’s the difference between Democrats, Republicans and John McCain.  Democrats think that the President answers the phone, Republicans think they pay servants to answer the phone and John McCain is on the phone already and he is very angry at you!

Imagine the Ayatollah of Iran awakened in the middle of the night by a ringing phone.  He knows he shouldn’t answer because he knows it’s McCain calling.  Still, he picks it up, and all he hears is some heavy breathing, a chorus from the Beach Boys and then boom.  It’s over.  Dead before he can put the receiver back on the cradle.

My best friend John Sidney McCain is up all night, making scary phone calls.  The rest of the world can just lie awake, fearing the ominous ring.  No, no, don’t call the police.  They’ll only tell you what you already know.  The call is coming from inside your house.

So Hillary is like Rocky, huh?

No she is not and neither is Barack Obama.  There is only one Rocky in this race.  My best friend, John Sidney McCain.

Listen up whippersnappers.  John McCain is like Rocky because he will bust you in the mouth.  Sometimes for no reason.  Why just last week when we were at the rec center he cold cocked Avery Livingston just because Avery suggested getting Vietnamese food delivered.  John really hates Vietnamese food and he made me promise not to tell you what he calls it so I won’t.

John’s temper is so scary that Bob Dole won’t even come over for a visit.  Bob will only see John in what he calls “safe public locations.”

You know what?  John McCain isn’t like Rocky.  He is way tougher than that.  Did you see Rocky IV?  Let me tell you a story.  Way back in 1985, me and John went to see Rocky IV.  We went to a matinee showing and got our senior citizens discounts so it was quite a deal.  Also, John is married to Budweiser distributor, so we snuck beer into the theater and we got a little blotto.

John loves boxing movies because Budwesier loves boxing, so this was a big deal for him.  But then Ivan Drago has to go and kill Apollo Creed and John gets really irate because he says it makes boxing look barbaric.  Especially when Drago says “If he dies, he dies,” like it’s nothing!  So John’s like throwing popcorn at the screen and ranting and I’m trying to calm him down and then John gets up and announces to the whole theater “This movie is bull crap!  If that Russkie had killed my best friend I’d have shot him in the head way before he got on a plane back to the Soviet Puke-yun!”

But here’s another thing, if John McCain were Rocky he never would have been best friends with Apollo Creed. See, John McCain Rocky would have accidentally killed Apollo in the ring at the end of the very first movie.  End of story.

Look, you people have to stop talking about who is and isn’t Rocky and get on with the business of making John McCain president.  I am seriously very frightened about what he will do to me if he loses this election.  I don’t know if I’ve made my point but the guy has a temper.

Well, I didn’t expect to be back, but I’m back.  Who knew Internetting could be so much fun?  I only got the darned thing hooked up so that I could find cheap herbal Cialis but now that I know I can come here and help you get to know John Sidney McCain the way I do, well… that’s just dandy.

I know a lot of you are Democrats around here.  But let me let you in on a secret about John McCain.  It’s okay with him if you vote for him, even if you are all members of the wrong party.  I’m A Republican, so I have to vote for John.  But you can too!

Maybe some of you are wondering, “Why should I vote against my own party?”  Picking the wrong party but that doesn’t mean you have to pick the wrong president. Besides, you should be very angry at everyone else in your party right now.  Let’s say you liked Chris Dodd because you think you need to keep your Internet perversions safe from government snooping even at the cost of thousands of American lives that will be lost every time a 9/11 happens, which will be all the time?  Chris Dodd only lost because your fellow party members slapped you in the face by not voting for him. So you should show all of them by voting for John McCain.

Maybe you think John doesn’t want to win like that.  But he does!  He forgives you and he’ll accept your vote.  So you should just feel free to take out your anger on all the idiots in your party who aren’t supporting your candidate right now.  Give ‘em Hell by givin’ ‘em McCain!  They will always do what you say after that.

I bet you’re wondering: “Does John McCain believe what I believe?”  The answer is yes.  John McCain can believe absolutely anything at any time.  His mind is just that vast.  In 1999 he said he was pro-life.  But, he said he didn’t support the repeal of Roe v. Wade.  But then 7 years later, he said he wanted a constitutional amendment banning abortion, which would make Roe v. Wade moot.  Here’s the good news about that: if you’re pro-life, you can vote for him.  But if you’re pro-fetus-murder you can just assume that he didn’t really mean what he said 2 years ago and vote for what he said 7 years ago.  John McCain holds all of those opinions!  And they say he’s senile.  Let me tell you, a senile person doesn’t know what they think half the time.  John thinks everything all of the time.  That’s the opposite of senile.

John didn’t used to like ethanol subsidies, tax cuts for the rich, and Bob Jones University.  But now he likes all of those things because he thinks you do!  If you don’t like McCain’s opinion just give it a few years.  If he needs to hold your opinion to get elected to something you can bet my best friend will have the courage to hold that opinion.

Now that I think about it, maybe you’re the problem here.  I think you all need to clearly tell John McCain what you want him to believe.  If you can articulate what you want from him in order to get your vote then he will become that in order to become president.  Once there, he’ll be able to do whatever he wants for a change.  But for now, your desires are important!  Don’t miss this amazing opportunity!

So as I see it, you’re going to have two choices in the general election.  Option 1: Vote for my pal John because you’re mad at the other people in your party.  Option 2:  Vote for my pal John because he will do anything to get your vote.  He just wants it that bad.

Either way, you’ve made a smart choice.

I’ve been John McCain’s best friend and neighbor for—well, it’s been a long time.  Now I’ve heard through the grapevine (that they charge me $34 a month for, damn Mountain Bell, I’m on a fixed income!) that people here on this board don’t think highly of John McCain.

How can you not like John McCain?  Who are you gonna have for president, a woman?  What?  Hold the phone a second.  I’ll be right back.

Okay, somebody just told me who you’re gonna have for president if it’s not a woman.  I don’t even want to go there.

Instead, I’m just going to tell you a story about John Sidney McCain helping a friend in need.  Don’t laugh.  Men used to be named Sidney back in the day.  Now, where was I?  Oh yes, it was 1987 and I had just had a big fight with the wife over whether she should wear shoulder pads (I thought they made her look mannish, only men should wear shoulder pads, like in the NFL).  She kicked me out on my keister.  John McCain saw me weeping on the porch.  He came and put his arm around me and said “It’s okay old buddy, I’ll show you a good time.”  Then he went into his house and called his pal Charles Keating.

Charles Keating owned a bank called the Lincoln Financial Savings and Loan.  Chuck loved to party.  So me and Chuck and Sidney all got on Keating’s plane and flew to Las Vegas, Nevada.  We were having a great time except they kept giving me all this free whiskey because I’d been in the war.  Everybody there must have been in the war.  Anyway, I wound up down $10,000 at a roulette table before I knew it.  And they weren’t going to give the money back, neither.  Even though I was in the war.

So now I’m in worse shape than I was.  But Sidney says to Chuck that he should help me out and Mr. Keating says he’ll loan me the 10 grand and I never have to repay it!  I say, “Mr. Keating, how can your bank stay in business making loans that never get repaid?”  Chuck just smiles and says, “Because the loans are guaranteed by the government!”  And He and Sidney just laughed.  I tell you, it was like the end of It’s a Wonderful Life except that I threw up on a hooker.

We all got back on Chuck’s plane and went back to Arizona.  Chuck made me another loan so I could by the something nice for the missus.  And that was that.  We didn’t see much more of Chuck actually.  Whenever I’d bring him up, Sidney would get all red faced and angry.  But me and Sidney stayed close.  Sure do miss Chuck Keating, though. 

Good times.

Just wanted to share them.