Friendship is defined as co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more people.  In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis.

I am and have been an alcoholic for most of my adult life, in and out of the AA program.  At any rate, after my husband passed away in 2002, I once again turned to drink and after a short time of indulging, I returned to AA.  It was there that I met the best friend I have ever had.  Diana is her name and we hit it off from the git go.  I came to rely on her for help in relearning the twelve steps and suggestions of the program.  We attended a great deal of meetings together and were soon very close.  As we got to know each other better, we realized we had numerous things in common and began to feel as if we were sisters which was so wonderful.  Neither one of us had a sister and the bond between us was very strong.  We lived quite near to each other and spent many days and evenings visiting back and forth along with attending our A.A. meetings.  We made many other friends and it was a happy and rather peaceful time for us both.

Diana and I both suffered from bouts of depression and before I had rejoined A.A., I had sought counseling for my then serious and deep depression and anxiety which was diagnosed as bi-polar disorder.  I was also going to a psychiatrist and was on several medications for the problem.  I found I was improving and getting a handle on my life and Diana also seemed to have her depression under control.

Then a series of events occurred in rapid succession and changed Diana's and my life, perhaps forever.  First, she had both knees replaced due to an arthritic condition.  Although she recovered well from the surgery, she had developed a bedsore which subsequently became badly infected and she had to be hospitalized again.  It took a small operation to clean out the wound and she was kept for some days.  After she was released, she had visiting nurses to continue to care for the wound.  She became very anxious over her slowness to heal and before the nurses felt she was well enough, she developed a terrible stomach illness.  Within days, she was rushed to the hospital once again and was found to have an obstructed bowel which also needed surgery. This was just too much for Diana and while lingering in the hospital, she became terribly depressed and filled with anxiety.  She was put in the hands of a psychiatrist and prescribed medication. 

Finally she returned home but it was a different Diana completely.  She became reclusive, stopped going to AA and gradually became a shell of her old self. I barely knew her anymore and tried so hard to brighten her days and visited her almost daily.  I was extremely worried about her and wanted to make her better.  Her brother and I kept in constant touch as he lived on Long Island, and I became to feel almost responsible for her mental health.  She was absolutely positive she would develop another illness which would mean another stay in the hospital.  Her weight dropped down considerably and I realized she was barely eating. 

Diana and I phoned each other early every morning and had exchanged our house keys just in case.  One morning I phoned as usual and received no answer.  After several tries, I decided to go to her house.  I almost knew something was very wrong. Upon arriving there, I rang and rang her bell and finally looked through a window where I could see several pill bottles lined up on her kitchen counter.  I panicked and using the key, let myself in and found her flat on her bed.  I immediately thought she was dead but finally saw her chest rise up slightly.  I called 911 and also called her neighbor who was a retired nurse.  She arrived first and found a faint pulse and started CPR.  The ambulance came and they worked on her forever, it seemed and she went into cardiac arrest.  With equipment they used, they brought her back and took her to the hospital. When I arrived there, I called her brother and was given permission to stay with her.  She was put on a respirator and was admitted to ICU where she stayed for several days.  When she finally came out of her coma, she was moved to the mental health ward and from there to a mental hospital. 

At first Diana was angry at me for finding her and calling for help. I made her understand that if she had found me in the same state, she would not have left me to die.  However, her mental state was the lowest I had seen and she didn't care where she was or what would happen to her. She remained there for a year and was finally released with the plan to move her to Manhattan to a sublet apartment.  It was felt that it would be injurious for her to return to PA.  Her brother suggested she keep her house here so that eventually she could make the decision to either stay in the city or return here. 

After the following winter, I found she was sinking back into a deep depression.  Her new doctor in Manhattan had her on some powerful drugs and I felt they were certainly not working but she would do nothing to change the situation.  Her brother tried to speak with her doctor but could not unless Diana gave permission which she refused to do.

Much time has passed since that period and not long ago, Diana began to drink again.  It is a rare moment that I can call her and find her sober. I became very upset over this and tried my best to help her.  Once in a while, she would venture up here for a brief visit, but she was no different here, refusing to go to meetings with me and sitting alone in her house, barely communicating with anyone and she had many friends who phoned and tried to visit her.

I spent much time sharing my feelings and reporting Diana's state of mind with my AA sponsor who also knew her.  She was sympathetic to my concern and need to help Diana to get well.  But, she also kept telling me that there was little I could do to make her stop drinking or to really do anything for her state of mind. I could be there for her, listen to her unless she was drinking and be supportive when she was sober.  This was all very difficult for me.  I really wanted to kick her in the ass or throttle her and tell her to shape up.  I could feel myself slipping into a depressed state of my own and family and my doctor warned me that I could very well crash myself.  Since I knew how easily I could get ill, I shared even more with my sponsor who has helped me to see that I had to take care of myself first.

This has been very hard for me.  It is like watching as a family member sinks to the bottom of the ocean and not being able to reach out and pull them to shore.  I want to make her well again and know that I cannot.  I am in deathly fear that she will once again try to commit suicide.  She knows she didn't succeed in her first attempt and will go even further if she tries again. I doubt she could survive with the strong meds she is on.  I have suggested she return to PA where she has so many friends and good AA.  She does not attend meetings in the city and has no relationship with anyone.  I am lost and afraid but I just keep telling her how much I care and that I am here for her.  She does not want to come up here at this time so I sit back and wait.  It seems like a death watch to me and it is so defeating and difficult.  I know that I am not God and I can only pray for her.  I feel like a failure and yet I know deep down it is not my fault nor is there hope unless Diana finds hope for herself.  A friendship I cherish hangs in the balance.