Do you enjoy a good mystery?  I was just doing a book signing in a quaint little New England town, and a scraggly old scientist turned up dead!  Everyone said it was a suicide, but I began asking around.  Let me tell you, for a quaint litte New England town, everyone is acting very suspiciously.  Especially that George fellow-- I know he's from Connecticut, but speaks with a fake Texas accent.  Forgive me, that was rude, but you have to admit, it's suspicious indeed!  I don't trust the detectives here either (they're a little too big for their britches, if you don't mind me saying).

And so, I'm writing to you with my trusty typewriter, because I need your help!  There's a nice lawyer from New York who's helping me on this case.  (Like all those New York lawyers, he's a bit pricey, but it's the only chance we've got!)  I just gave him the last $100 I had in my purse-- can you help me solve this mystery?

Hello!  How was your McDonalds?  Good to hear, good to hear.  Yes, the Diet Coke was a superior choice, I agree.  Oh yeah, that is a funny commercial!!  I laugh every time he says the catchphrase.  Yes, it gets me every time.  Your rendering of his funny voice is spot on.

What a game it was!  Such a game!  Our star player is more talented than their star player.  We live in a great area for competitive athletics.  Really?  I also believe all other teams are feminine and weak in comparison with ours.

Yes, those other races are inferior-- good joke!  Did you hear the one about the other race being inferior to ours?  Hysterical!  It's okay, I know a man of that race and he thinks it's true.  In all seriousness, we should just nuke 'em.  Nuke 'em.  Yes- the problem is other races and nations.  That's the problem, nobody has the balls to just nuke 'em.

Now you're speaking my language, friend.  Yes, I also heard that on the radio.  I also read that in the newspaper.  Right, right, it's all over TV!  I heard it on the radio, and then my hunch was confirmed by its ubiquity on television and in the newspaper.  No, you just don't have time to read the whole thing.  Magazines are also a good source of information.  Did you read the article about our star player being talented and superior?  How true!

I've been meaning to tell you something, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way.  Your car could stand to be bigger.