She had once thought that Nick was cute.

Nick worked for Otis Elevators. He was shorter than she was, and had a baby face, but he made up for it with a mustache.

He was trouble, and she could tell. But she liked that about him. She liked trouble, in a way.

They'd ride home together on the train and he'd be in the smoking car, but not quite. He'd eventually end up on the little platform that connects the cars. The one that people could throw themselves off of, it they weren't careful.

His long auburn hair caressed his collar and his mustache hugged his upper lip, and he seemed, to her, like a child's doll trying to pass as an adult doll.

He was shorter than she was, as I've mentioned. But she tried not to let that get in their way.

She tried to befriend him, but found him unfriendly.

His nerdier, taller friend was nicer to her, but there was no chemistry. To this day she can't remember that friend's name.

But each night after work she'd rush to make the train that she knew they'd be on, and she dressed in the morning in the hopes that they'd notice her in the evening.

Work was just the go-between. The filler in her day. A paycheck, but not the excitement.

And then, one night, there was Dan.

Dan seemed to be a friend of Nick's.

When she left the smoking car to stand in between the cars of the train, there was Nick, as usual. But, that night, he had a friend with him. A friend introduced as Dan. Wearing a jeans jacket, with blond curly hair and the bluest of wide blue eyes.

He was taller than she. By about an inch.

He stayed quiet while she and Nick make their bantering small talk. They passed stop after stop before Dan moved close enough to get his arm around behind her. He held onto the railing that she leaned against.

Eventually, she realized that his thumb was gently trailing her spine as she leaned against him and the railing both.

Gradually, she realized that she liked it.

She melted into his touch.

They smoked cigarettes and talked about art and Manhattan and all that was wrong with the world. Nick hung around, opposing them or maybe spurring them on, adding to the conversation while ignoring the fact that Dan's arm was around her and his thumb was stroking her back oh so gently.

She was not ignoring that fact at all, but she pretended to, for appearance's sake.

She leaned herself into his questing hand as much as she could, while trying to remain nonchalant. He himself seemed almost vacant, his blue eyes staring not at her but at the passing landscape. She had never met him until now, but was welcoming his touch, and wondering what it meant.

Long Island passed by them as Long Island will: Hicksville, Huntington, Stony Brook.

At Stony Brook, Dan suddenly turned to face her and they gazed into each others' eyes and then he kissed her. It was so sudden and yet expected, it made her wonder at the timing of it all. And then he walked down the metal steps and onto the platform of the station and was gone.

She had not even learned his full name, nor his number.

She only knew his name was Dan, and his eyes were blue, and he was sweet enough to stroke her back for miles before giving her a gentle kiss goodbye.

She rode the train back and forth for months waiting to see him again. Hoping to meet up with his friends.

Wait.

Was it before or after Nick took her virginity?

Years later, she's not sure.

Nick took her virginity at her bequest.

She practically had to beg him to take it.

Afterwards, she wished she'd never learned to beg.

But her little sister had just undergone an abortion, and her best friend from college had just lost her cherry too, and she was feeling somewhat outdated, and wanting to join a club of sorts.

So she saw Nick there on the train, and was wearing a dress and trying to look sexy.

Nick wasn't interested enough in the looks, so she one-upped him. She said, "Hey, I want to lose my virginity."

He might have said, "Good luck."

She took that as a challenge, of course. And then talked him into doing it, as only she could.

When the train made its last stop in Port Jefferson, she followed him to his mother's car in the parking lot, and he let her get in beside him.

He drove down familiar roads and then took an unfamiliar turn into the woods, and drove for what seemed like miles to her.

Parked suddenly.

Grabbed her suddenly.

Kissed her suddenly.

She tried to warm herself into the kiss, but he was already pulling her into the backseat.

It was a large car.

She stretched herself out, beneath him, and waited for the fireworks to start.

But after a few kisses, he did nothing but lift her dress, tear off her hose and panties, and push himself into her.

She balked a bit, she writhed a bit, and wondered why he hadn't tried to at least warn her tender parts of the invasion yet to come.

Her head was mashed against the armrest of his mother's car's back seat door. Her legs were spread and taking such that she'd never taken before.

She described it, later, as a hot poker, stinging and burning and somewhat overwhelming...not welcome at all.

The shame of having one's legs spread in the cold back seat of a cold boy's mother's car was just too much to bear. She tried to at least put her arm around his neck and kiss him, but he was not interested in closeness. He was intent upon the job.

When it was over, she felt she only had herself to blame. Especially when he said, "There's something wrong with you. I'm going to take you back to the train, and find a chick who's willing and warm and wants it."

She'd wanted her virginity gone, and he got the job done. But the cost......the cost.....

It would take years for her to get over that night. She'd felt some small satisfaction in going home and confiding to her mother that she'd got the job done. Over with. Messy stockings and all.

So much blood! Her mother cried. She didn't cry. She wanted to stay brave and think it didn't matter.

But matter, it did. And she knew she could never take it back. She could never have that moment back. That first time. It should have been right.

It should have been Dan, or any man, who would've done it right.

She must've met Dan before then, then. Right? Or maybe after, that could've been right.