AP Wired Services Inc (a legal personhood pursuant to the laws of the U.S.A. )

BREAKING NEWS

Tuskaloosa , Alabama


Today, an El Ectric, a foreign car manufactured in Provenza , Italy , attacked a pregnant mother of three in a parking lot at a local Wallmart.

Onlookers were horrified when the El Ectric, owned by a local Union Boss who goes by the name of Red Steinem, took off with no driver, hunting down Mrs. Calahan of Tuskaloosa.

Mrs. Calahan, a fourth grade teacher at Holy Christ School for Evangelists, was shopping, alone, at the Wallmart. Police say she had purchased some cleaning supplies and a double pack of Trojans (although the receipt did not record the Trojan purchase) and was returning to her Ford Truck, when the FOREIGN EL ECTRIC came from out of nowhere.

On lookers were horrified as they first heard the horn from this Socialist Product of the Holy See. It seemed to be playing: Ave Maria.

"Hardly a warning sound," pronounced Jezabelle Thompson, a local Tarot Card reader present at the time of the accident.

"Holy Christ!" exclaimed Ms. Thompson.."I went to that school".

Mr. Thomas Halsey of Polk Salad, a suburb of Tuskaloosa, also witnessed the accident.

"This aint no accident. This was definitely an on-purpose event. The El Ectric was goin right for the decadent. The poor lady first saw the plastic monster (you could tell this was one of them communist vehicles cause it weren't made of no steel or nothing, but plastic) and ran like the devil, first left, then right, zig a zaggin all over this here parking lot. And which ever way the lady turned, the car came a going right after her.  She was dropping those Trojan thingies all over the parking lot.  It was a real terrorism. I think Al Quaida had something to do with this."

It took only six hours for the local police with the aid of the man in charge of the electronics section at Wallmart to come to some conclusion as to what might have happened to cause this terrible tragedy.

Sergeant Rumpus of the Tuskaloosa Fire Department gave this statement to bystanders upon the conclusion of their initial investigation:

"I am Sergeant Rumpus of the TFD and I have been authorized to make this statement by the powers that be. The victim in question owned an IPOD, one of those new fangled thingamajigs from the northern parts. It appears, per the opinion of Sam Dinsmore, the former head of the electronics department at Wallmart, that Mrs. Calahan's phone was tuned to the exact same frequency of the computer that runs the El Ectric automobile. It appears that Mrs. Calahan's IPOD phone thingamajig just rang as she was receiving a call from her Aunt Nell, causing the motor on the car to start and release the brake at the same time. The car was 'notified' and simply 'followed' the IPOD, probably athinkin it was being beckoned by its Japanese uncle.

Wallmart is dropping any charges it might have against the decedent for shoplifting. No one, and I mean no one is authorized to pick up any of the materials lying on the parking lot at this time.

That is the end of this statement and I will take no questions."

Sam Dinsmore has been fired by Wallmart.



Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other iPhone
Something 'bout the way her phone rings
I don't wanna miss her bow
You know I'm attracted now...

Something in the way she veers
And I just have to move my steering wheel
Something in the way she zig zags
And I've got to hit her now
You know I can turn and how

You're asking me will this car go
Now you know, now you know
You get a phone call and you'll know
Yes you'll know, yeah, you'll know

Something in her Beatles ring-tone
Got me turned on and made me want her
Something in her fancy iPhone
She's scattering Trojans now
And into her I will plow

You're asking me will this car go
Now you know, now you know
You get a phone call and you'll know
Yes you'll know, yeah, you'll know