Don't Recommend This Post - My Mother Might Read It
Several months ago I wrote what I consider to be my most personal, and my best, post here at TPM. It was hard to write it, scary to post it, but the recommends and beautiful comments it received were more than worth it, and the fact that my chosen topic got "out there" was gratifying, to say the least.
I tend to write very personal stuff here at TPM. It's my way of writing, it helps me get things out of my system, find my style, and discover my strengths and weaknesses. I like having the ability to get your feedback, maybe touching you at the same time. And yeah, at times, when I'm feeling bitter about something I read in the news, I write an angry post, not caring what you might think, not caring whether I make the Rec list. Sometime, I just have to get the feelings out, come what may. Sometimes I argue with other bloggers and commenters, and sometimes I regret it and other times I don't. But the fact that I feel I can be myself here is, for me, one of my life's rare treasures these days.
The post that I mention above, though, received such beautiful comments from so many of you that I was touched enough to share both the post, and your comments, with one of my sisters, by providing the link to my post rather than sending via email or a Word doc. She, too, was very moved by your feedback, and felt very proud of me. So proud, that while visiting our mother one weekend while I was not there visiting too, she showed my mother this website and introduced her to my blog -- without asking me first. I found out later when my mother told me that she too, was very proud of me, and impressed by my open and honest writing style, and awed by the beautiful comments of my fellow TPM posters. My sister later apologized for having not asked my permission first, but I let it go.
Had my sister not pointed my mother to TPM, my mother probably would never have known that I blog here. She doesn't make a habit of visiting liberal blogs, and I had never really thought of showing her my post. But it didn't occur to be to feel upset with my sister, and perhaps that was my first mistake.
I did warn both of them that I write posts they won't always find touching or impressive. I warned them that I post things they might find objectionable. I made a point of only sending them links to the posts that I felt they would find suitable. It never occurred to me that they would start visiting TPM on a regular basis, seeking out my posts.
Two days ago I wrote a personal-story post about my family, no different than so many others, and I don't even think it made the rec list. I didn't care. I forgot about it a day later, to be honest. I was all caught up in yesterday's debate instead.
So imagine my surprise when, today at work, I received an email at my work addy from my mother, entitled, "Your blog". In its entirety:
Lis - I am very angry after reading your latest blog entitled "Republicans are nice, but dumb" - so angry that I feel I better calm down before commenting on it.......will cool off and write again.........
WTF? I didn't even remember what I'd written in that particular blog, and just zapped off a reactionary email in response:
You don’t have to read my blog if you choose not to. I wasn’t writing it with you in mind if that helps. I write for my liberal friends at TPM.
I then logged into TPM to find my objectionable post, started to read it, and then realized why my mother might be angry. My first thought: OMG, she reads all my posts! OMG, all my feelings about her and my family that I sometimes feel when I'm angry are right there, for her to see! I immediately jumped into 14-year-old-guilty-teenager-mode, and wanted to hide under a rock. So I sent off another email that simply said:
Sorry, I got that one confused with another. I’ll stop writing about family matters.
And then I went and got lunch, and ate at my desk while surfing TPM and HuffPo and RCP like I always do at lunchtime, and then I went outside for a smoke, and started stewing over the emails back and forth with my mother, and I found myself getting very angry. Angry with her, and especially angry with myself for feeling guilty about something that I don't think I should feel guilty about. Luckily, things got busy after I went back to my desk so I didn't have a chance to dwell on it for the next few hours. Not until later in the afternoon did I consider closing my account at TPM and starting a whole new one, with a generic avatar and name my mother and sister wouldn't recognize, in order to continue being myself here. But then I realized-- hey!! -- I'd no longer be myself here, would I?
So then I opened up my last "sent" message to her and forwarded a new reply back to her, hours after writing and telling her I would no longer write about family matters:
However I now feel censored and I’m not completely comfortable with that either. Perhaps I should never have shared any of my writing with you and [my sister]. I was proud of some of my blogs and pleased that [she] was impressed enough with my writing to share my blog with you, but now I see that it was a mistake. I have made friends there, have a small following, but now I have to worry about what I write in case you or [my sister] should go in there and read my stuff. OR, lose my signature avatar and my username and post as a new character, losing my history there and my following.
Perhaps I can ask you to no longer read my blog, then? There must be some sort of compromise here, I would think. I am an adult woman with inherent freedom of speech, and while you might not agree with the facts as I present them, nor with my views and beliefs, I am not sure I can, nor should I be expected to, curb my writing style simply to please you.
I will have to think on this further. Thanks for letting me know your feelings.
I truly wish that I had sent that last message first, but alas, I'm extremely reactionary, as many of you know. And it took me hours before I got the nerve up to read through every word in my objectionable post, and in all of my comments, and for the life of me I can't see what in hell made her so angry in the first place, other than that I didn't mention that she was the one who gave me money to get home from California and I failed to mention it. If I am the only one in my family who feels that we all walk on eggshells around one another when it comes to big important issues, then maybe I'm the one who's walking too gingerly.
Needless to say, I haven't heard a word from my mother since she sent me that very first email. I imagine it will be a few days before I get a response. And that's fine, because I too need to cool down before writing again.
I didn't invite her to my blog, I invited my sister to read one post. I warned the both of them, once I'd been "outed" so to speak, that they might not agree with what I have to say here. Therefore, I don't feel I should do anything more, except continue to be myself.
I'm a liberal with issues and I have a blog. Get over it, or stop reading my blog.
