SleepinJeezus

Dissociated Press

December 5, 2008

(Cairo, Egypt) The Khan Al-Khalili Bazaar has been abuzz recently with reports about the construction of a massive new Pyramid at Giza. Tourists returning from visits to the burial place of the Pharaohs have told of thousands of workers toiling day and night on a building site whose footprint looks to dwarf any of the others ever established at this location.

Rumors have circulated regarding the funding of and the purpose for this major undertaking. Tales of international drug warlords or terrorists creating a secure compound have been common, as have stories about Middle East oil barons constructing their own tomb in the desert, much as the famous Pharaohs did before them.

Rumors flew anew this week when U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson was seen in the bazaar at Cairo negotiating for the services of a number of camel caravans. When asked by reporters, Paulson claimed that the pyramid project at Giza was indeed part of a public works project to be funded from $700 billion in taxpayer monies as approved by the United States Congress.

"At first, we considered using this money to offload our bad investments in derivatives and replace them with cold hard cash," claimed Paulson, obviously referring to himself and the coterie of Wall Street bankers who accompanied him to Cairo. "This became untenable, however, when demands were made that we submit to oversight and otherwise account for the monies to be spent. When Congress then went so far as to ask for assurance that this transfer of funds would somehow fix their problems with the economy, we decided to move to Plan B."

It seems that Congress and the treasury were at odds over the objectives behind this cash outlay. Fortunately, according to Treasury Dept. experts, House Banking Committee Chair Barney Frank left some room in which to maneuver, saying it was Congress' intent for these funds to be used either within the financial sector or to otherwise be injected into the economy at large to help bolster the economy and limit the damage caused by the recession. Congressman Frank pointed out that most economists agreed that getting additional capital into the hands of consumers or into public works projects that provided jobs could alleviate some of the downward pressure in the economy. According to a Treasury spokesperson, "Secretary Paulson simply picked up the ball from there and ran with it."

"Our 'Plan B' effort to determine ways in which this $700 billion could be spread among us to increase consumer spending was not fruitful at first," claimed Paulson when asked about this new direction. "After all, one can purchase only so many mansions and yachts and private jets and gold bathroom fixtures and stock options and undocumented household help before such spending becomes redundant and wasteful.

"Fortunately, after many high level meetings convened among my fellow Masters of the Universe it was determined that in fact the one consumer item that none of us possessed and could perhaps use most would be a burial site that was worthy of our station in life when the time comes to meet our maker. As responsible consumers, we therefore settled upon the construction of this monument to free market capitalists as perhaps the greatest public works project since the WPA and the New Deal."

Specific features of the pyramid under construction are impressive. It is expected to require as many as a half million workmen to complete, working day and night for the next twenty five years - "hopefully providing good jobs for so long as it takes to overcome this recession," according to Paulson. These men are reportedly conscripted from the lesser tribes of Africa, although some considerable number are U.S. ex-pats that were formerly employed as auto workers.

When completed, this pyramid is expected to be half-again as large as the Great Pyramid at Giza, yet will be located in such a way as to not cast a shadow on what is presently the largest and most historic monument to Cheops that is presently on the site. "We wouldn't wish to diminish the light cast upon this other, most impressive monument which stands as a testament to the greatness of our predecessors," claims Paulson.

When asked how much the building of the pyramid will cost, Paulson responded that it is expected to cost $700 billion. When asked to further explain how this estimate was determined, the financial expert said the $700 billion figure was chosen because "it was a big number."

Paulson was also asked about spending these funds overseas when it seems apparent that Congress intended this money to be used to assist the domestic economy.

"Believe me, we tried to get this thing built in Cleveland and therefore provide stimulus here at home," said Paulson. "And although there is presently plenty of unemployed laborers thereabouts to get the job done, they are simply not competitive with the workers we can employ here at Giza. It's a global economy, after all, and it's time in this free market for the U.S. worker to suck it up and make the concessions necessary to become competitive with their foreign counterparts."

Paulson went on to point out that the Giza circumstance not only provides a freedom from having to deal with any sort of labor agreements, but also provides benefit wherein any disrespectful complaints about wages or working conditions or chains and shackles can be easily addressed with the application of whips and even beheadings, if required.

"It makes for a very productive workforce," claims Paulson "and our human resource cost per unit is arguably as low as anything I've seen. The American investor is therefore getting the biggest bang for his buck, and we are providing jobs along with the most effective stimulus possible to get this economy once again headed in the right direction."

Congress is expected to hold hearings soon to learn more about Paulson's bailout plan for the economy. The "Pyramid at Giza for Guilded Geezers" project is expected to gain approval, although some members of the leadership are expected to seek some few concessions, such as an inclusion of a separate burial chamber that will appropriately honor key legislators.

Meanwhile, Paulson says we can look forward to plenty of opportunities to contribute tax dollars to additional stimulus projects in the future "for at least as long as the money holds out." Last seen leaving a palm reader's booth at the bazaar, the Treasury Secretary smiled broadly and gave the thumb's up when asked what the future held. "It's all good!" claimed the affable public servant before climbing aboard his own private "ship of the desert," destined for a visit to the site of his final resting place in the sun..

COMING UP IN THE BUSINESS PAGES: "Taj Mahal Purchased, Renovated as Headquarters and Flagship for Krewl Grewl International, Inc."