SleepinJeezus

Dissociated Press

December 5, 2008

(Cairo, Egypt) The Khan Al-Khalili Bazaar has been abuzz recently with reports about the construction of a massive new Pyramid at Giza. Tourists returning from visits to the burial place of the Pharaohs have told of thousands of workers toiling day and night on a building site whose footprint looks to dwarf any of the others ever established at this location.

Rumors have circulated regarding the funding of and the purpose for this major undertaking. Tales of international drug warlords or terrorists creating a secure compound have been common, as have stories about Middle East oil barons constructing their own tomb in the desert, much as the famous Pharaohs did before them.

Rumors flew anew this week when U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson was seen in the bazaar at Cairo negotiating for the services of a number of camel caravans. When asked by reporters, Paulson claimed that the pyramid project at Giza was indeed part of a public works project to be funded from $700 billion in taxpayer monies as approved by the United States Congress.

"At first, we considered using this money to offload our bad investments in derivatives and replace them with cold hard cash," claimed Paulson, obviously referring to himself and the coterie of Wall Street bankers who accompanied him to Cairo. "This became untenable, however, when demands were made that we submit to oversight and otherwise account for the monies to be spent. When Congress then went so far as to ask for assurance that this transfer of funds would somehow fix their problems with the economy, we decided to move to Plan B."

It seems that Congress and the treasury were at odds over the objectives behind this cash outlay. Fortunately, according to Treasury Dept. experts, House Banking Committee Chair Barney Frank left some room in which to maneuver, saying it was Congress' intent for these funds to be used either within the financial sector or to otherwise be injected into the economy at large to help bolster the economy and limit the damage caused by the recession. Congressman Frank pointed out that most economists agreed that getting additional capital into the hands of consumers or into public works projects that provided jobs could alleviate some of the downward pressure in the economy. According to a Treasury spokesperson, "Secretary Paulson simply picked up the ball from there and ran with it."

"Our 'Plan B' effort to determine ways in which this $700 billion could be spread among us to increase consumer spending was not fruitful at first," claimed Paulson when asked about this new direction. "After all, one can purchase only so many mansions and yachts and private jets and gold bathroom fixtures and stock options and undocumented household help before such spending becomes redundant and wasteful.

"Fortunately, after many high level meetings convened among my fellow Masters of the Universe it was determined that in fact the one consumer item that none of us possessed and could perhaps use most would be a burial site that was worthy of our station in life when the time comes to meet our maker. As responsible consumers, we therefore settled upon the construction of this monument to free market capitalists as perhaps the greatest public works project since the WPA and the New Deal."

Specific features of the pyramid under construction are impressive. It is expected to require as many as a half million workmen to complete, working day and night for the next twenty five years - "hopefully providing good jobs for so long as it takes to overcome this recession," according to Paulson. These men are reportedly conscripted from the lesser tribes of Africa, although some considerable number are U.S. ex-pats that were formerly employed as auto workers.

When completed, this pyramid is expected to be half-again as large as the Great Pyramid at Giza, yet will be located in such a way as to not cast a shadow on what is presently the largest and most historic monument to Cheops that is presently on the site. "We wouldn't wish to diminish the light cast upon this other, most impressive monument which stands as a testament to the greatness of our predecessors," claims Paulson.

When asked how much the building of the pyramid will cost, Paulson responded that it is expected to cost $700 billion. When asked to further explain how this estimate was determined, the financial expert said the $700 billion figure was chosen because "it was a big number."

Paulson was also asked about spending these funds overseas when it seems apparent that Congress intended this money to be used to assist the domestic economy.

"Believe me, we tried to get this thing built in Cleveland and therefore provide stimulus here at home," said Paulson. "And although there is presently plenty of unemployed laborers thereabouts to get the job done, they are simply not competitive with the workers we can employ here at Giza. It's a global economy, after all, and it's time in this free market for the U.S. worker to suck it up and make the concessions necessary to become competitive with their foreign counterparts."

Paulson went on to point out that the Giza circumstance not only provides a freedom from having to deal with any sort of labor agreements, but also provides benefit wherein any disrespectful complaints about wages or working conditions or chains and shackles can be easily addressed with the application of whips and even beheadings, if required.

"It makes for a very productive workforce," claims Paulson "and our human resource cost per unit is arguably as low as anything I've seen. The American investor is therefore getting the biggest bang for his buck, and we are providing jobs along with the most effective stimulus possible to get this economy once again headed in the right direction."

Congress is expected to hold hearings soon to learn more about Paulson's bailout plan for the economy. The "Pyramid at Giza for Guilded Geezers" project is expected to gain approval, although some members of the leadership are expected to seek some few concessions, such as an inclusion of a separate burial chamber that will appropriately honor key legislators.

Meanwhile, Paulson says we can look forward to plenty of opportunities to contribute tax dollars to additional stimulus projects in the future "for at least as long as the money holds out." Last seen leaving a palm reader's booth at the bazaar, the Treasury Secretary smiled broadly and gave the thumb's up when asked what the future held. "It's all good!" claimed the affable public servant before climbing aboard his own private "ship of the desert," destined for a visit to the site of his final resting place in the sun..

COMING UP IN THE BUSINESS PAGES: "Taj Mahal Purchased, Renovated as Headquarters and Flagship for Krewl Grewl International, Inc."

SleepinJeezus

Dissociated Press

December 2, 2008

(Detroit, MI) Citing "opportunities that exist in this new economy," Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan announced today that he is coming out of retirement to embark on a new career as an entrepreneur. Greenspan and partners - including major names drawn from the mortgage banking industry such as Henry Paulson and Ben Bernanke  - rolled out their plan for a soup kitchen in Detroit to be called "Krewl Grewl."

"We've taken stock in America, and we're serving it up in Detroit," said Greenspan. "Our feasibility studies showed that the American consumer is moving steadily away from diets rich in flavor, calories and diversity and is looking instead for a more sustainable diet. Krewl Grewl will offer the consumer a range of selections of soups and porridge with a price tag they can afford."

A menu of items to be served at the spare, but attractive, Art Deco style building showed bargains were available, including the "Ayn Rand Grand? Ragout" for a nickel per serving. According to the menu, this offering is made with a "fresh water broth into which is introduced just a hint of beef and vegetables, all seasoned with care to enhance its substance. This recipe is so popular that diners not only stand in line to order a bowlful of this light offering, but find themselves soon wanting to come back for more!"

Continuing the Art Deco theme, Krewl Grewl has commissioned a new line of glassware to be used in the restaurant. These items were on display, and were not only joyously colored but were in fact crafted to a mirror finish sufficient to offer diners a reflection of themselves as they sit before these Depression Glass style plates and bowls.

"We're excited about this opportunity to participate in this economy and to create jobs and investments in our communities," Greenspan remarked. He then suggested that the Detroit opening of Krewl Grewl will be only the first of what he expects to be many within a nationwide franchise.

"We expect to be as omnipresent in our communities from coast to coast as Starbucks once was, only with more 'staying power' in the market. I have faith that my partners in this enterprise will  bring their talents to bear to assure such success for the future of Krewl Grewl, destined to become the venue of choice for American's looking to satisfy their appetite."

 Coming up:  "Soup's On!: Greenspan Cooks Up a Rich Stew"

Learn how the former Fed Chief's experience in the free market helped Krewl Grewl leverage "17 dollars, small change, and some pocket lint" to gain nearly $25 billion in government assistance to grow this exciting franchise.

ALSO: Newswoman Andrea Mitchell of NBC researches conflict-of-interest concerns raised over government funds being awarded to the same people in charge of disbursement. "We're not conflicted at all about receiving these funds," declares Treasury Secretary Paulson in assurances made at Congressional oversight hearings.

FROM TPM: In an interview with Charlie Gibson airing today, Bush says he was "unprepared for war," that his "biggest regret" is the "intelligence failure" in Iraq, and that he wishes "the intelligence had been different, I guess."

At last, Bush comes pretty close to getting it right in discussing his Administration and its legacy:

1. Bush was "unprepared for war:": Not so much so, if one is to read the PNAC Missions (and here)  that were written before 9/11. It instead looks like 9/11 offered good opportunity for the neocons to get the war in Iraq that they had wanted all along. Perhaps Bush meant to say that he and his ideologic buddies in PNAC were "unprepared to prosecute the war," in which case history will show him to be unfailingly accurate in this assessment.
2. "intelligence failure in Iraq": The record shows that the intelligence failure was not in Iraq. No, the lack of intelligence was located in the White House, where a President - who was ignorant and willing to fight for the right to remain ignorant - held sway under the direction of a cowardly, draft-dodging VP and others who chose to project their own penile insecurities (Oops! I mean "to project American Power") around the world by sending others to actually do the fighting.
3. Wishes "the intelligence would have been greater, I guess." Yeah, don't we all - especially the over 4,000 dead troops, the tens of thousands of American GI's who have suffered injury, and the 100's of thousands of Iraqi's (millions?) who are dead, injured, and/or homeless. They and their family members undoubtedly wish the U.S. had a President who was at least smart enough to refrain from launching a pre-emptive war just because tough-guy ideologues (who would not themselves have to fight, of course!) argued that it would be a really neat experiment in nation-building. ("Just pull the trigger, George, and I guarantee you that the victims will welcome us all as Liberators!" Just how much more lack of intelligence could have been applied here?)

For Bush, I guess this is pretty much as close as one would expect him to get in any effort at introspection and in assuming responsibility for past mistakes.

For our sake, however, let's hope that the final judgement of history on the Bush legacy shows that the American people finally replaced such ignorance in its leadership with an Obama Administraton that subsequently applied the smarts (and integrity!) required to get us out of the mess caused by Bush's "lack of intelligence." After all, Obama must now be successful in applying the intelligence required to overcome the ignorance that preceded him lest history shows that the Bush Administration was the fatal stab at the very heart of this Republic that sent it spiralling into its own defeat.