9 years ago, my son was born.  I was 22.

I and the mother were not together, but it was a situation where I established paternity, and entered into a fair 50-50 oral agreement.  Some of you are now saying, "Boy, wrong move there, buddy." 

I know, I know.

So anyway, until he was 2, I saw him for half the day while his Mother worked, and vice-versa.  This worked fine, and I was accomodating and also extremely involved in his progress and basic care.  I held down a job, and then when I got home was Mr. Mom, all alone for my 12 hrs.

So. 

By age 2,  I was in a relationship with someone I had met, and we were going to have a baby, as a couple.  Almost immediately, my son's mother became a nightmare to deal with.  Then one day she called and wanted my son to go to a private day-care on some of the days I had him.  I had no reason to do that, I said, and plus--the day care was 6 miles away in a drug infested inner city neighborhood.

The actual street was notorious for people who sold pot.  I did not want to lessen my time with my son, nor did I want that environment suddenly thrust upon him. 

I said no.

So by this point, I had been picking up my son on Sunday mornings at 8:00 AM.  I arrived, and buzzed their apartment.  No answer.  I called on the phone.  No answer.  I buzzed again, and was told "Your son doesn;t want to see you."

After a back and forth of anger, fear, and desperation for the unknown--I called the police.

Big help.

Little did I know that without papers establishing my paternity or any agreement for custody, I had no right to see my son, who had never gone two days without seeing me.  I begged them to do something.  They laughed.

I felt like someone had kidnapped my child, and no one wanted to help.  I couldn't breathe.

After 2 hours of emotion, rage, and panic--I was left with no options.  She had him in a secure building, where I couldn't go in.

I had to leave, they said, or they'd have to arrest me.

After getting counsel from Mom and Dad, I reluctantly hired a lawyer, and set up establishing custody.  We didn't really have the money, but what do you do--let someone take your child from you?  Weeks had passed by, and the police hadn't intervened.  I still couldn't see my son, and I was heartbroken.

After thousands of dollars in lawyer fees, being tricked by people who were in the Family Court, paying a Guardian ad litem--and 6 months of court--I finally was given time with my son.  It was only for a few minutes, and it wasn't alone.  He had grown, as any parent who has not seen their child for weeks or months can tell.  He was less responsive.  Not happy anymore.  Shy.  Sad.  Quiet.

She had made him believe that I didn't want to see him, or let him believe that.  I guess she lacked the courage to say it was her decision.  But that didn't matter to me, because I knew I had fought as hard as a man can for his child.  Within weeks, he opened up to me a bit.  But he was only 3.  He had no idea why this traumatic thing had happened to him.  I wish I had known how to make it up to him, but I guess all you can do is appreciate what you have now.

In the end, a year later, I finally settled with her on partial custody, basically 50-50, and that I would nonetheless pay her child support anyway, just to end it.  That makes no sense to alot of people, especially since I watch him sometimes on her time.  What was the whole point?

Anyway, no sour grapes.  I enjoy my Monday, Tuesday, and Every other Weekend as much as a loving father can.  But I can never know what it's like to see him every day, take him to every family event, nor check on him any night I feel like it. 

Not all father's run from their responsibilities.  Not all father's are deadbeats.  I know there must be other Dad's out there like me, who have to wonder who is around your child, who is disciplining your child, and who is getting to spend time with your child--at least some of the time, and there's nothing you can do about it.  There is the irrational fear of a stepdad being more cool, or having a closer bond with your child.  What if he gets hurt?  What if he gets around the wrong friends?

You feel like half the week you are complete, then the other half, you try to but can't.  It never goes away that everyone's not here.  I feel guilt for those who are, because they'll never know what's the matter for half the week.  If they know, they can't know what it's like. 

All you can do is enjoy every moment, spend time with them instead of watching TV, and teaching them strong values and character, and hope for the best. 

I guess that's all any parent can do, really.

It is horrible.  But worth it. 

Some people say, "Well, then you shouldn't have had a baby with someone you are not with."  "See what happens?" 

They may be right.  I really don't know.  I know I wouldn't replace my son ever. 

But this is how some of us live.