I have been in a quandary for months over making a decision about making aliyah. I feel I owe it to my friends here at TPM to explain why I decided not to go ahead. As with most decisions of this magnitude, there was a multiplicity of reasons. It was all brought to a head on Mother's Day.

As many of you know my entire side of the family resides in "Israel". Our children are scattered across the globe (Amsterdam, Bangalore, and Tokyo) but my wife Ruth's family are all here in the US. On Mother's day we had a big celebration with about half of her family. As I observed the family fun, it occurred to me how much my wife enjoyed these people - she was truly alive with her eyes sparkling and her laughter lively.(after 40 years of marriage you would think I would have already figured this out) I realized how self absorbed I was in my obsession with the Israeli/Palestinian conflict and the possibilities of peace. Ruth needs to be close to her family for the support and stimulus it gives her (she gets together with one or more of her family weekly) and moving to Israel would rob her of the gift of her family.

Another factor was trying to sell our home and at least one of our vacation houses in a piss poor real estate market. But from my point of view one very important aspect involves my current crisis of faith. Right or wrong, my Jewish faith and Israel are completely intertwined like a hand and glove. It has been so since learning everything about being a Jew at my grandfather's knee.  My anger at what Israel is doing (or not doing) on the peace agreement front has now spilled over to my identity as a Jew. I have certainly commented enough on TPM for most of you to understand my frustration with Israel.

As a result I have resigned from my Conservative congregation (it's a very large suburban one and they will not miss me or my money). I have tried a Reform Temple but while the words were somewhat similar, the spiritual dimension is not the same. I fear moving to Israel would merely exacerbate my religious conflict being totally immersed in a Jewish culture.

I had thought that I could fight for peace more effectively in Israel than I could in America but I now see that was an arrogant and naïve assumption on my part. This is particularly true because I am losing much of my mobility. As some of you know, I had polio when I was two and something called post polio syndrome has robbed the remaining strength in my polio ravaged legs. As a result, I find myself using my power wheelchair more and my crutches less ( I used to be pretty nimble and quick with those crutches).

I will continue to post my thoughts on Israel but at age 64, I doubt my ability and energy are sufficient to make a meaningful difference to Israel's peace prospects. I am far too emotionally caught up with this problem (as Bruce Levine can testify) and would not be helpful to Israel, myself or my family. It is the latter which will now assume paramount importance. Thanks for listening. .