Dear America,

I'd like to offer a half-hearted fake apology if, and only if, Rep. Jim Bunning and anyone else who may have heard me call him a simple-minded, club-footed, hunchbacked, cross-eyed, retarded, drooling, diaper-wearing, candy-assed, chickenshit eating, squiriming maggot infested, mushbrained, goat-fucking, child-molesting, lily-livered, yellow-bellied, cross-dressing, slew-foot, bird-brained, commie-pinko pile of steaming turd flies took offense at what I called that bony-assed, momma's boy with the pencil dick.

Now seriously, I didn't mean to offend the simple-minded (not that they'd understand anyway), nor the poor unfortunate gimps with club feet (and no universal health insurance to get them repaired). Similarly, I didn't mean to lump the hunchbacks in with the club feet kids, and will be sending a separate apology of sorts to the Quasimodo Foundation along with a generous donation of  a buck and half (it's all I can spare given all my money is tied up in Stanford Financial and that cretin "Sir Richard Allen" or whatever the hell his damn name is.)

As for the cross-eyed and retarded, it was a slip of the tongue, as I meant to refer solely to cross-eye retards, not all cross-eyed people nor all retards, just those with both. As for those who drool, I was only refering to those who have the temporary condition not those with acute droolitis. I did not mean to insult those persons with a condition that requires them to wear diapers, such as infants or those with adult incontinence, just those whose perverted sexual fantasies (like Jim Bunning) have them parading around in Baby Huey costumes like that was something normal or something. If you have a candy-ass, and it is a candy that I like, then I'm sorry. Otherwise, I don't apologize to you. You can just suck it. If you can reach it.

I should definitely apologize to those of you, due to these harsh economic times, who are forced to eat chickenshit in lieu of regular chicken. I can say having had to eat chickenshit once -- inadvertantly -- that chickenshit definitely does not taste like chicken.

I also apologize to the squirming maggots among us. I know you are parasitic by nature, unlike that tapeworm otherwise known as Jim Bunning, who learned it at his grandpa's knee.

If you are mush-brained and also fuck goats, I'm sorry. You don't know better than to fuck a goat, unlike Jim Bunning. I'd only offer apologies to child molesters for being lumped in with the likes of... you'd guess it, that flaming anal orifice, Jim Bunning.

If you liver is lily,  your belly yellow, you are slewfoot or bird-brained. please note that while I take issue with you personally, it's wrong to include you with Tweedle-Dum (sorry about that Tweedle-Dee). If you cross-dress, hey...what's your shoe size? Steaming commie-pinko turd flies are just wrong any way you look at it, but you can't help it, you're commie and pink and turd flies, for Pete's sake (sorry Pete!)

So, if were offended considered yourself apologized to. If you weren't initially offended, but are now, tough noogies. If you think you going to get more of a sincere apology than this, you've got another thing coming, Buster. Apologies to the unfortunate people whose parents couldn't be more creative and come up with a better name than Buster. Ha! Like Buster Brown Shoes! or Thom McCann... don't get 'em wet or they'll come unglued. Of things could be worse, you could be named Jim "Fartface" Bunning.

Excuse me, I have to go apologize for what I said about Sen. Richard Shelby. Shelby? What kind of limp-dicked name is "Shelby?"