I didn't write this... a friend of mine did and has given me permission to post it elsewhere...

For the past couple of days (on another board) we've been visited by our sporadic and emotional "Commie"...  Her visit sparked a memory of the following "Rules" and I dug them up for re-posting.

I think TPM functions at a fairly high level (despite DickDays best efforts.... NOODGE!!!) and, because of this, as a compliment to you, I thought you'd get a chuckle out of this.

Hope you enjoy it :)
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The Kbob Guide to Igniting a Flame War


1) Flame Wars Are All About Respect

Or, rather, the LACK of respect. The easiest, fastest and most efficient way to begin a flame war is to show no respect for the object of your flames or for that person's opinions.

For example, if one is to say "I like apples," the best response here would be "Apples?! WTF is wrong with you?!" This would instantly demean not only the opinion but the individual who expressed it thus stifling any further discussion.

Remember, discussion is the opposite of Flaming and should always be avoided at all costs if one is to successfully ignite a Flame War.

2) Disagreement is NOT Disrespect

Do not confuse disagreement with disrespect. Often a mere statement of "I disagree..." can be a sign of respect. It means that you have read the post, acknowledged it but wish to discuss it further even though you don't agree with it.

For example, if one is to say "I like apples" one might respond with a disagreement such as "I actually don't like apples at all because..." This sort of response is only going to encourage debate and further communication and discourage a good flame.

Please note the use of "because." This word is counterproductive to igniting a good flame, because it only leads to backing up one's opinion, thus leaving you open to further discussion.

3) Sarcasm is the Fuel of a Good Flame.

You may have noticed that this very thread is full of such sarcasm. My intention here truly is not to encourage Flame Wars, but to hopefully suggest means to avoid them. Or perhaps you haven't noticed. This is the true gift of sarcasm on a message board -- sarcasm is very difficult to interpret by written word alone. Many a Flame War has begun with simple confusion of intent.

To resolve any confusion, I will use one of the more useful smilies on this board...

This smiley is difficult to find among the many cats, but it's there.

3a) Use the Term "LOL" Whenever Possible.

This is a subset of the use of sarcasm.

As we know, "LOL" is an abbreviation of "Laughing Out Loud." In and of itself, it might seem convenient, but without context it's like when your friends in the rented tuxedos pointed at you in your rented tuxedo at the prom and giggled -- it's not always easy to tell if someone is laughing WITH your or AT you.

For example, if one is to say "I like apples," you might respond with "Apples?! LOL!" Is this sarcasm or not? Difficult to say. The point is that you've successfully created confusion and have potentially made the subject of your statement feel small and weak.

4) Always Remember that Your Subject is Small and Weak

One necessary aspect of message boards such as this one is that all of its members are anonymous. This makes it much easier to dehumanize your subject and view them only as a collection of words on a screen rather than as a living, breathing human being with a history, dreams, loved ones and all that crap.

Rather, imagine the subject of your flame as small and weak because you know they can never physically hurt you. So you might as well pound them into the virtual ground with your mighty hammer of rhetoric.

5) Be Sure to Go Off-Topic

If the topic of the thread is "I like apples," be sure to make the subject of your post something about how much you hate oranges or feel like taking a bath or wonder why the music in your head is getting louder. This is a great, indirect, wonderfully disrespectful way to indicate that you do not care for the subject of the thread and would rather talk about what YOU would like to talk about. You have successfully discontinued discussion. Feelings are certain to be hurt.

6) If Feelings Are Hurt... So What

Occasionally, a member might indicate that a post was personally hurtful. Always remember that even though you composed the post, and even though your intentions might not have been to be hurtful... the fault lies with the person who feels hurt. (Repeat to yourself: "small and weak... small and weak.) So regardless of what you do, don't take responsibility.

7) Take Things Personally

Sometimes, fault really does lie with the person whose feelings have been hurt due to a misinterpretation of intent. (Sarcasm is useful here.) Remember, YOU can be that person. It gives you great license to ignite your Flame War.

"Apples?! Are you calling me an Apple? I don't know what your problem is, but I am NOT an apple. You're an apple, you f*ck*ng apple!"

Responses like that one are far easier than to respond with a question about the poster's intent. That can only serve to encourage discussion.

8) It Takes Two To Tango

In the long run, the best way to begin a Flame War is to be the subject of flames and to flame back. Always bear in mind that your pride is on the line. If someone has rudely expressed that you are an idiot for liking apples, then you must remind yourself that they feel that way only because they are small and weak.

There are such useful functions as "Ignore" buttons on this board, and you always have the option to actually ignore the post that offended you... but where's the fun in that? You have been challenged. You have no choice but to fight back using the same tactics as have been outlined here.

THEY are small and weak. YOU wield the mighty hammer of your powerful rhetoric. Go for it!

LOL.
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You know I'm kidding, DD.  :)