My Friends, there has been much recent fuss made about the apparent race-baiting of my campaign go-getter Ashley Todd. Let me give you some straight talk here... the "B" for which she is now infamous was not, as reported by the elite liberal media, a reference to my opponent who's name happens to be Barack Hussein Obama.

Rather, she was simply making the point that with my health care tax credit, she will be able to get the cosmetic surgery (and mental help) she needs to remove the 'B'lemish. In fact, later this evening, I plan to have the letters "JB" engraved on my face to highlight how you will be 'Just Blown Away By How Much Oil We Will Save Under My Energy Plan'. I suppose the media will write my Mavericky move down to being an attack on Joe Biden!

The media attacks on Ashley Todd and JtP (that's Joe The Plumber) represent the kind of shameless gutter politics we have been seeing from Barack Obama all along, that force us to mutilate ourselves,
I was a POW,
McCain 1908.

My Friends, there has been some recent discussion concerning my plans for tonight's debate. Rest assured, what you may have heard or read is a lie. Let me give you a little dose of the Straight Talk, for which I am well-known...

Remember in our earlier debate, when Senator Obama said over and over again "John is right... John is right..."?

Remember that?

I can almost remember it, and that's saying something for me. My primary focus for tonight, if you promise you won't tell anyone (I'm still p.o.'ed with you for telling I pulled out of Michigan, but I can forgive).. my plan is to say that I was in fact WRONG. And hence, by pure logical deduction, one can clearly see that Senator Obama must have been wrong when falsely claiming over and over that I was right.

Who is this guy? Can we really trust his judgment when he couldn't even manage to correctly determine that I was wrong?!

I offer for you here my foolproof plan for hammering my opponent this evening in New York:

1. Wink into the camera.
2. Wear a Yankees jersey.
3. Propose my new economic recovery plan: 700,000,000,000 shares of Lehman Brothers for every American.
4. Legally change my name to IAmNotBush.
5. Question Senator Obama's ties to nefarious radical Scarlett Johansson.
6. Suggest that Florida's and Michigan's electoral votes should not be counted.
7. Ask Senator Obama if I may refer to him by his first name - Hussein.
8. Liberal use of the phrase "I know you are, but what am I?"
9. Bite my tongue hard when I need a good "teary" moment.
10. Remind viewers that "Project Runway" is playing on Bravo - right now!

Who is this guy?
McCain 1908.

My Friends, there has been some recent discussion concerning my plans for tonight's debate. Rest assured, what you may have heard or read is a lie. Let me give you a little dose of the Straight Talk, for which I am well-known...

Remember in the last debate, when Senator Obama said over and over again "John is right... John is right..."? Remember that?

I can almost remember it, and that's saying something for me. My primary focus for tonight, if you <B>promise</B> you won't tell anyone (I'm still p.o.'ed with you for telling I pulled out of Michigan, but I can forgive).. my plan is to say that I was in fact WRONG. And hence, by pure logical deduction, one can clearly see that Senator Obama must have been wrong when falsely claiming over and over that I was right.

Who is this guy? Can we really trust his judgment when he couldn't even manage to correctly determine that I was wrong?!

I offer for you here my foolproof plan for hammering my opponent this evening in Nashville:

1. Wink into the camera.
2. Wear a Titans jersey.
3. Propose my new economic recovery plan: 700,000,000,000 shares of Lehman Brothers for every American.
4. Legally change my name to IAmNotBush.
5. Question Senator Obama's ties to nefarious radical Scarlett Johansson.
6. Suggest that Florida's and Michigan's electoral votes should not be counted.
7. Ask Senator Obama if I may refer to him by his first name - Hussein.
8. Liberal use of the phrase "I know you are, but what am I?"
9. Bite my tongue hard when I need a good "teary" moment.
10. Remind viewers that "Project Runway" is playing on Bravo - right now!

Who is this guy?
McCain 1908.

My Friends, there has been some confusion over my recent decision to suspend my presidential campaign in favor of focusing on the current dire economic threat now facing our great nation.

Apparently, there are one or two misguided souls who seem to hold the misconception that I arrived at my decision via some form of political expediency. Such a notion, while not true, would have been the basest form of pandering, and that is something you will never see from the Straight Talk Express.

So let me be clear, my strong leadership has compelled me to suspend my campaign so that I may completely focus on solving the economic woes of all Americans and has absolutely nothing to do with politics. That said, I am happy to report that I have completed my work, and now have a fully-developed, twelve-point economic recovery plan that I will be submitting to the legislature, and would like to share with you presently:

1) Free Gas Mondays.
2) Pool parties at my houses for bankrupt home buyers.
3) No Taxes.
4) Billing Al Qaeda for The War On Terror.
5) Switching From The U.S. Dollar to the Zimbabwean Dollar.
6) Big Mac Coupons.
7) 1 Free Gallon of Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream For Every Household.
8) Charging The Federal Deficit To Hillary Clinton's Campaign.
9) A New Car!
10) Raising The Minimum Wage To 50 Dollars Per Hour.
11) Free Servings Of Passion Fruit Mousse Cooked By Cindy.
12) Setting Next Week's Lottery Numbers To 1-2-3-4-5

These are daring measures that could only be proposed by a strong, maverick leader like me. My focus, as always, is country first. Always.