Sources close to President Obama's inner circle say he has listened to the Republican teabaggers, birthers, gun-toting militiamen and town hall criers and that he "hears them loud and clear." After some long and painful reflection, he has decided to give them back their country.

Because there is so much concern about what the government is going to do to grandma, the first step of winding down the federal government will be to end Medicare and Social Security. According to sources, Republicans and their libertarian allies have convinced Obama that America's seniors can take better care of themselves with the help of their families and the free markets, which are better equipped to provide for their dignity, health, and wellbeing. Ending these wasteful programs will save taxpayers trillions of dollars, and reduced life expectancies will result in huge bonus savings on health care costs.

Regarding the national debt, Obama will file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy on behalf of the United States. This will automatically wipe out most of our debt, providing an immediate benefit of approx. $40,000 for every man, woman, and child in America. Holders of T-Bills, Savings Bonds, and the like can get in line with defense contractors, road builders, veterans with pensions, and China to collect whatever pennies on the dollar they can for what they are owed during the restructuring of the Full Faith and Credit of the United States government.

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